CHIKARA A Death Worse Than Fate 2/25/12

TO THE BACK. Green Ant cuts a short promo on Ophidian.

Ophidian vs Greet Ant

Immediate arm work from Green Ant. He uses his size advantage to lock on a full nelson. Lucha roll ups. Ophidian bails to the floor. Ophidian tries some chops. They don't do much considering he weighs about 80 pounds. Kicks work better momentarily at least. Tongan Death Grip! Might have just been a choke. Strike battle! Why? Nerve hold from Ophidian. Weird headbutts and a guillotine. Green Ant turns it into a sit out gourdbuster. Throat based offense. This serpentine mother fucker has removed the turnbuckle pad. A series of reversals ends in a Green Ant lariatoo. Ophidian tries headbutts that don't work as Ants have heads as hard as blacks and Samoans in wrestling. Green Ant immediately taps to a chin lock Cattle Mutilation. Green Ant is dead!

Saturyne vs El Hijo Del Ice Cream Intergender Match

Ice Cream gets the early advantage, but seems to get too tired to do much with it. A head scissors sends Ice Cream to the floor. Sat follows up with a top rope plancha. Back in the ring, Ice Cream catches a cross body and turns it into a Samoan drop. He continues the match by being a general dick head. Kick to the cone! Hair tosses. Is Ice Cream secretly a Diva? Sat nearly wins with a crucifix. Series of running knees. They have some miscommunications, but Sat ends up winning with the West Coast Pop.

The Colony vs The Throwbacks

Soldier and Mr. Touchdown start the match. Lots of posing from Touchdown and suddenly, Fire Ant is in the ring, also doing poses. Fire Ant does an AR Fox arm drag that is countered into another arm drag from Dasher. Dasher and Soldier trade very awkward lucha spots. Touchdown got down for a 3 point stance and got kicked in the face. He comes back with a tiltawhirl backbreaker and gut buster. Soldier is prevented from making a tag, which doesn't seem to matter since these are lucha tag rules, which means a partner can come in when the other goes to the floor at any time. So much rolling. Hot tag to Fire Ant. Muli rotation head scissors. Tope into the crowd. Saluting head scissors from Soldier. Double dropkicks. Touchdown comes flying back with double shoulder blocks. Inverted X-Plex from the Throwbacks. Wheel barrow into a Stunner. Exploder from Touchdown. 2 count. A guy in a Green Ant mask shoved Dasher off the top rope, causing a DQ.

TO THE BACK. Jigsaw says he's going to take the big rig out.

Jigsaw vs Brodie Lee

Brodie Lee is, of course, current WWE star Luke Harper AKA the guy in the Wyatt Family tag team that doesn't suck. Brodie immediately slaps Jigsaw and throws an uppercut. They head to the floor and Brodie chops the fuck out of Jig. They head into the ring briefly just for Brodie to be sent to the floor and catch Jig with a chokeslam on the apron. He follows with a back suplex on the apron. Brodie comes back in the ring with a tope like he's Eddie Guerrero or some shit. Stalling suplex. Dropkick from Brodie. Jig is able to knock Brodie to the floor and comes out with a dive that takes out the 4 rows of seats. Outside in corner dropkick from Jig. Brodie stops all that momentum with a lariatoooo and half nelson suplex. Jig counters a chokeslam, hits a superkick, and nearly wins with a German suplex. Super double stomp. Brodie throws a big boot as Jig comes off the top. Huge Boss Man Slam. A big boot and sit out powerbomb later gets Brodie the win. Brodie is legit. It's obvious why he got hired by WWE.

TO THE BACK. Kobald delivers a short promo on Colt Cabana.

Colt Cabana vs Kobald

Colt Cabana, of course, is former WWE jobber Scotty Goldman. Kobald jumps on Colt's back, which does nothing as he weighs 50 pounds. Colt does a bunch of wacky Euro spots before doing an airplane spin. Kobald goes and sits in the crowd. Colt goes looking for him. He notices the hunched over walking coat and finds his man. Colt gets posted, but he's back in control as soon as they're back in the ring. He goes for the Artful Dodger and Kobald hits a spear that was better than Edge's even though he might be classified s a mini. His strikes do nothing to Colt. Kobald does a grounded abdominal stretch that doesn't appear to be doing much of anything. Bionic Elbow, Flying Asshole, and the Big Daddy splash can't finish the match. Another Flying Asshole. Colt does a falling fireman carry from the second rope and wins with the Billy Goat's Curse.

Eddie Kingston/Gregory Iron/Scott Parker/Shane Matthews vs Tim Donst/Jakob Hammerheimer/Obariyon/Kodama

I've seen 3.0 before, but I don't know which is which. Donst starts out by choking one of 3.0 with his own arm. Hammerheimer is chased around the ring by other 3.0 dude. Batdude and Iron are tagged in. Arm drags! Iron looks like he either broke his wrist or suffered a terrible arm cramp. Oh, I looked him up and he was born with Cerebral Palsy. That makes more sense since it didn't seem to be bothering him or anyone else. Seems like being a one armed wrestler would be really hard. I don't know why I didn't notice it at first. Kingston tags in and hits an explodaaah and headbutts. Double (and triple) teaming to Batdude. Heels go to work on Iron. Is CHIKARA too family friendly for someone to get heel heat by working on the bad arm? I mean, if you're evil heels and you have a dude with a noticeably damaged and withered arm, nothing would be more evil and heel like than working it over. WWE took full advantage of Zack Gowen's physical make up. But I'm not sure they would do that in 2014. Probably not. Hot tag to Kingston. Suplexes everywhere. Dives everywhere from the technicos, even Kingston. Eddie went for a lariatoo and was instead caught with a drop toe hold/knee to the face by the Batdudes. Finisher spam sequence. Titty twister from Donst to Iron. Very poorly executed rear naked choke from Donst. No excuses to have technique that bad with MMA being so huge for years. This eventually puts Iron out , giving the Rudos the win. As it turns out, Donst used an international object while doing the choke, but was able to hid it from Bryce even after the match.

Sara Del Rey vs Archibald Peck

WrassleGAF's avatar Rumble winner! I feel like Archie is probably going to get his ass kicked in this. Lots of shoving. Pose off! Sara definitely has bigger...everything than Peck. She doesn't like his shenanigans so he pouts. Sara kicks the shit out of poor Archie. He misses a pescado. His girlfriend distracts Sara and Archie sends her stomach first into the ring post. Gut buster in the ring. Ovary based offense tonight. Sara comes back with kicks and a cannon ball off the apron. Reverse whirly bird from Peck. The girlfriend gets involved again and gets her face kicked off. And so does Archie. He taps to the Golden Butterfly.

TO THE BACK. Ultramantis Black says he's never held a title in 10 years of being in Chikara. But Hallowicked has.

FIST vs Spectral Envoy Campeonatos de Parjeas

FIST is usually Chuck Taylor and Johnny Gargano, but Gagano was injured at an EVOLVE show, so he's replaced with...Icarus. Gross. Dude is like the CJ Parker of indie wrestling to me. The devious duo attack Neo FIST right at the bell. Fuck Icarus. He's a guy who has been in CHIKARA his whole career and hasn't improved at all since he was a rookie. And can't get work other places because he sucks. He's so bad at everything. Still. He's been wrestling for like 10 years and still wrestles like a rookie. Chuckie T gets tagged in and is immediately on the defense until his heel actions get him in control. Then he tags out and Icarus sucks it up for his team. One of the worst slingshots I've ever seen, but since this is CHIKARA, I'm not sure if it was intentional or not. Icarus is so bad. How is this guy a wrestler? He doesn't even look comfortable walking in a wrestling ring. FIST win the first fall after Icarus throws powder into the fully covered face of Hallowicked.

Fall two starts with Chuck in control. I wish I could like this or pay attention, as I like Chuck Taylor, but Icarus is the worst. A big boot to Icarus ends fall two, tying things up.

In fall three, Delirious came out and attacked Ultramantis Black, giving FIST the win. Titles retained.

CHIKARA is what it is. Brodie Lee was the only impressive guy on the show, while Peck was pretty funny. Icarus is the worst. Not as offensive as PWG and ROH as far as stupid indie shit goes, but offensive in the sense of a bunch of skinny white guys trying to do lucha spots slowly and poorly all show.