ROH Live and Let Die 6/8/13

I haven't seen an ROH show in years, so most of these faces should be pretty new to me.

Caprice Coleman vs Adam Cole

This is an IPPV? Looks lower rent than the stuff they were putting out in 2005. It looks much lower rent than the clips of their TV stuff as well. Shouldn't IPPVs have a higher production value? Caprice isn't a very intimidating name. Do ROH fans chant "Capri Sun" at him? They quickly go to the mat and do an indie respek stand off. A dropkick sends Caprice to the floor. He comes back in and hits a dropkick of his own. Cole blocks a pescado, knocks Capri Sun off the apron, and then hits a suicide dive. Leg lariatooo from Capri Sun. Cole hits a big neckbreaker, which Caprice jumps for about as obviously as Bubba Ray does for a cross body. Caprice fires up. Cole is sent to the floor. Inside out Asai moonsault. Super rana. Cole gets his knees up on a Lionsault . Rolling Northern lights suplexes are countered by Cole into a knee brainbuster thing. He wins with a straight jacket German Suplex.

Roderick Strong vs QT Marshall

ROH has a guy named QT? He looks like a bald Simon Diamond wearing one of Adam Pierce's old robes. Roddy teases some chops in the corner just to be a dick. QT hits some shoulder blocks. Roddy trips him and hits a back heel kick. Chop. Chop. Chop. QT throws a knee to stop the chops. European uppercut. More chops. Roddy gets hung up on the ropes and falls to the floor. Why are ROH's ring ropes all so crooked and bent looking? Rude Awakening from the cutie. Dude is no Rick Rude, that's for sure. People's Elbow? Seriously? What has happened to ROH? More chops and running knees from Rod. Angle Slam. Strong rips off WWE guys too? QT gets out of a Tiger Driver. He then does a bad looking tiltawhirl slam. Looked like he just dropped Roddy. Superplex from Strong. QT gets a pin out of it. Rolling elbow from Strong. Lariatooo from QT. Jumping knee, fireman carry gutbuster, and Liontamer for Strong win. Adam Cole came back out and apologizes for not shaking Strong's hand in a previous match. They shake hands this time.

Davey Richards vs Cedric Alexander

What a surprise: Indie respek stand off. And another. A long one, too. Davey uses the ropes to his advantage, getting Cedric's arm tied up and then kicking the rope. Should have just kicked the dude's helpless arm. Kitchen sink from Davey. Muta Lock from Davey, mixed with hip swivels. All these Rick Rude impersonators. Short strike battle, ending in a Davey spin kick. Kip up rana from Cedric. He dumps Davey to the floor. Davey dodges a pescado and hits a soccer kick while on the apron. Ugly diving headbutt. Does Davey not realize he's 4 feet tall and looks ridiculous with the amount of muscle on his frame and acting like a monster bad ass? Can't wait for him to get completely embarrassed in TNA by some of the grown men there. Shortly after, Cedric hits a big tope con hello. Low drop kick, Finlay Roll, and a split legged moonsault only gets 2 for Cedric. Cedric is knocked off the apron. Davey goes for his soccer kick again, this time it is blocked in a terribly fake looking sequence. Cedric then hits a springboard lariatooo and some kind of sit out facebuster thing. Time for a strike battle. Davey turned a kick into an ankle lock, so I guess he won. He turns that into a Texas Cloverleaf. That is countered into a small package for 2. Disaster Kick from Cedric. Back to a strike battle. Pop up German suplex from Davey. Another German suplex only gets a 2 count. Fucking Christ. Davey misses a double stomp and head kick. Cedric then does a reverse rana. Davey rolls through to his feet, only to get a head kick and another reverse rana. He also rolls through, this time to the corner where he is hit with a dropkick. Then a brainbuster. For a 2 count. Davey gets his knees up on a splash and now is COMPLETELY FINE TO RUN AROUND FULL SPEED NOT AT ALL SELLING THE BIG COMBO OF MOVES JUST DONE TO HIM. He hits his own combo of strikes that Cedric kicks out of. Then more strike combos, finally ending the match with a Texas Cloverleaf. A move that works the back and legs, two areas of the body Davey didn't touch after the first 4 minutes of the match. Indie wrestling. Davey Richards is the worst. Richards puts Cedric over on the mic after the match.

Adrenaline Rush vs reDRagon

I don't know who is who in this match and I can't standing listening to Cornio and Kevin Kelly. Black Guy 1 and 2 vs White Guy 1 and 2. Fuck, I looked away for a second and forgot which guy was which. A lot of the same generic chain wrestling seen in the last match. One of these guys was trained by Davey Richards, so I guess that makes sense. Indie respek! Flying knee from one of the white dudes. White Dudes do some leg based offense until one gets cocky. Black Dudes slam each other onto White Dude. Standing Iron Crossface from Black Dude. White Dude hits a super divorce court. None of these guys have any physical charisma at all. Completely bland, like prelim UFC guys. Having a goofy mustache doesn't mean you have charisma, White Dude. Arm work from White Dudes. This is so boring. I'm not into this at all. Jumping Stunner from Black Dude. Ridiculous capoeira sequence. Slingblade from Black Dude. God damn, these guys are as bad/ridiculous as the Young Bucks. I can't even describe how stupid these spots are. This and the previous match are why I gave up on indie wrestling. It's so stupid. The only good thing about this match has been Black Dude who took the divorce court selling his arm the entire time. Other than that, it's been boring stretches followed by ridiculous and convoluted move chains that seem like a Capcom Ultra move. And now a brainbuster on the floor because why not. And these 700 moves get a 2 count. This ref is terrible at his job. There have been 3-4 men in the ring at the same time for 4 minutes. Regalplex with the other White Dude doing a flying toe. 2 count. Of course. Lol, Roll of the Dice. Black Dude hilariously botches a Space Flying Tiger Drop by hitting the bottom rope after his cartwheel, completely halting his momentum. White Dudes win with a modified Fujiwara arm drag. I can't see how someone would watch this and think, "that was some great wrestling!". Zero logic. So much over kill and literally unbelievable moves and sequences. The ref not even pretending to keep order of any kind.

Hoopla UNCUT with Truth Martini

ROH now has in ring talk show segments on their IPPVs? Truth has a bunch of YAKS and makes creepy comments to them. He then introduces his guest...Cheeseburger. Cheeseburger? ROH has a dude named Cheeseburger, and another guy named QT. What the fuck happened to this company? Cheeseburger kissed Maria, and Truth likes that, so he invites Cheeseburger to join Night of Hoopla. "Did you get a boner?" This is some TNA shit. Then the crowd gets a "boner" chant going. Why is Truth so interested in knowing if Cheeseburger got a boner? Cheeseburger says he did get one and then gets a lap dance. These girls are taking their pants off and I don't even care now. This is so bad. Now Truth wants Cheeseburger to take his pants off. Why is this on an IPPV? RHINO shows up and GORE GORE GORES Cheeseburger. Rhino in 2013? This is one of the worst segments I've ever seen from any promotion.

Rhino vs Kevin Steen

I like Steen and all, but I don't want to see Rhino matches. It quickly goes to the floor. Suplex from Rhino on the floor. Apron cannon ball from Steen. Back in the ring, Rhino hits a spinebuster. These FAT dudes collide heads. Standing dropkick from Steen. Then a missile dropkick. Corner cannonball. Swanton Bomb. Fat men can fly in ROH. Rhino comes back with a belly to belly. GORE is countered. Steen hits the GORE instead. F5 gets Steen the win. Matt Hardy hit the ring after the match and hit a Twist of Fate on Steen. As Matt and Corino celebrate, Mark Briscoe came out.

Mark Briscoe vs Matt Hardy

This also quickly heads to the floor. Matt is sent into the ring post. Corino pushes Mark off the ropes, right into the Side Effect. Spinning neck breaker. Matt is in control and ready to get back to his grapes. Man, I've been drinking a lot, haven't lifted in 6 months, and haven't been on a bike ride in about 2 months and I look to be in the same shape as Matt Hardy, who gets paid to be in shape and not wearing a shirt. Mark gets out of a sleeper with a jawbreaker. Corino again gets involved. Inverted neckbreaker from Matt. Mark comes back with redneck kung fu. I think Matt went for the Cobra. Flying karate chop from Mark. Weird FU/Finlay Roll combo. Mark goes up top and gets thrown off by his beard. Mark counters the Twist of Fate into a Tazmission. Some dude and Kevin Steen hit the ring. Corino jumps n the ring and decks Mark. Twist of Fate. Some other guy was out there as well. Matt wins. Mark is attacked in the ring until Jay Lethal and BJ Whitmer hit the ring. And Pierre of the Quebecers. Big brawl. WE'RE OUTTA TIME. Wrong company. Stalling triple suplex. Another match starting from the run in of the previous match?

SCUM vs Jay Lethal/Jimmy Jacobs/Michael Elgin

BJ and Jimmy Jacobs are still in/back in ROH? Remember when Jay Lethal got that huge push in TNA, including getting matches and defeating Ric Flair, then he was gone a few months later with zero reason given? The brawl goes all over the building. Most of which can't be seen because it is too dark. Jacobs and Lethal get back to the ring. Lethal blocks Sliced Bread and now it's BJ and Titus. Explodaaaah. Cliff Compton! What the fuck is he doing in ROH? Dude looks like a bum for real. I guess it fits that he's in a group called SCUM, because he looks scummy as fuck. Jacobs does Sliced Bread off the apron to Pierre. I think. I can't tell if that was supposed to be a reversal or not. Looked awful. Pierre shows off his "super strength" by catching 150 pound Jimmy Jacobs. Rainmaker. Shameless. Pierre does a fall away slam and Samoan drop at the same time. Jimmy hits him with a chair. It does nothing. Cliff boots the chair in Pierre's face. Oh hey, another reverse rana. Wait, only one? Why weren't there 3 in a row and a brainbuster from the roof? Lethal gets hit with a chair while doing a handspring elbow. Cliff pins him with an F5. Didn't Steen with with the F5 like 30 minutes ago?

Eddie Edwards vs Jay Briscoe ROH World Title

I hope there is an indie respek stand off. There it is! Standard chain wrestling. Eddie "Eddie Edwards" Edwards likes his headlocks. Jay gets out and hits a rana. Diving rana from Eddie. And back to the headlock. And again. It's like a 2009 Randy Orton match. Jay finally just smashes Eddie in the face. Jay is sent to the floor. Suicide dive. Eddie misses a double stomp, but does a roll up into an STF. Romero Special into a pin. 2 count. Jay starts throwing punches, headbutts, and a Yakuza kick. Hangman neckbreaker. Eddie hits a running backpack Stunner and rolls into a half crab. J-Driller is blocked. Pinning sequence. Strike battle. Jay ends it with a kick. Then both men suplex each other to the floor. The strike battle continues on the floor, just narrowly avoiding a double count out. They do double big boots about 6 times in a row. Then they start trading superkicks. Eddie slaps on a half crab to break all the head kicks. Are you fucking kidding me, Eddie Edwards does Kobashi's machine gun chops? I call bullshit on that. So did Jay, as he hit the Jay Driller moments later for the win. Title retained.

This reminds me why I completely out grew indie wrestling around 16 or 17. So much convoluted bullshit and guys running these big spots where they're more worried about being in the right place for the next move that they stop selling and just go through the motions. I also can't stand the "hit a guy, turn around, take off like a Looney Toons cartoon" shit.

There is nothing that makes me want to start watching ROH again. Not a thing.