CZW Cage of Death IV
TO THE BACK. Lobo has been talking to his lawyer. He will not wrestle Zandig at COD. Zandig will never get CZW back. Some dude brings in the books saying that if they don't pay the bills, there won't even be a COD show.
TO THE GYM. Mother fucking Zandig is pumping iron. Zandig gives a history lesson. Lobo was the first guy to train for CZW. Lobo hasn't been training. He's been with his YAK in flea markets. Really disappointed at the lack of f-bombs.
The start of the show features a story book opening and clips of the first three CODs set to choral music and Berlyn's theme. So far, the licensing on music cost more than what CZW had made in its entire existence. Youth Gone Wild, Eminem, Puddle of Mudd. It's like 10 minutes of music videos.
Lobo vs Zandig Cage of Death For Control of CZW
Cage of Death is the first match? Lobo grabs the cage and it explodes. YOU FUCKED UP chants start. His army of dudes attend to him. Rockin' Rebel tells the fans to shut the fuck up. The rest I can't really hear because of terrible audio work. Lobo can't compete so the match won't happen. He shows footage of Zandig being attacked and thrown in a truck. Then we see him being held hostage and hit with light tubes. They're trying to force him to sign a contract for something. This is fucking weird. I think they're actually in a ring, but the lighting is so weird. Is that the dude from Tough Enough season 1 that had to drop out with a back injury but otherwise would have won? Jesus Christ, this shit won't fucking end. I wonder what the live crowd saw during this 10 minute snuff video taped probably days in advance of the show. WHAT THE FUCK HE'S BEING HUNG BY HOOKS IN HIS SHOULDERS. WHAT THE FUCK. This is some god damn Hellraiser shit. Finally we go back to the live show. Zandig comes out! He's still covered in blood. As it turns out, Z-Barr has been SWERVING Lobo for weeks. But he was actually SWERVING Zandig. DOUBLE SWERVE! As it turns out, Adam Flash SWERVED Lobo! SWERVE is said more times than a Russo segment. At this point it is a half hour into the show with no wrestling at all. The contract is attempted to be be hung from the top of the cage. The dude drops it and Zandig rips it up anyway.
Finally, the match starts. The cage is electrified. I can't decide if it looks better or worse than TNA's electrified cage. Trash can shots. Lobo is press slammed into the cage, which I guess electrocutes him, but there were no signs like at the start of his promo. Some fat dude puts jumper cables on the cage and they spark, so I guess that means someone will get electrocuted if they are made of metal. Lobo is slammed on a cactus. Zandig is thrown into the cage. Again, impossible to tell it is electrified except for the fat dude with jumper cables. Back rake with a part of the cactus. Lobo does a head and arm Tazplex through a board in the corner that I think had nails on it. Angle slam on a trash can. This is fucking terrible. Zandigbomb through the nail board. Another shot with the cactus. A pane of glass is placed between chairs on top of a table. This is known as a pyramid of hell. Lobo climbs the cage which I guess isn't electrified anymore because both guys climb it just fine. Jesus fuck, Lobo does a DVD from the top of the cage to the floor through some tables. I like that the first thing Zandig does when he gets up is fix his hair. They are both up and Zandig is chasing Lobo around the ring. Chair shots from Zandig. Zandig is right next to the contract and instead decides to drop an elbow from the top of the cage to the floor through some tables. Both guys climb to the top of the cage again. Mother FN Bomb from the top of the cage through the pyramid of hell! These dudes are fucking idiots. Zandig grabs the contract and is back in control of CZW. Zandig cuts a promo after the match. All I could understand was "Fucking". Wifebeater was brought out and more awful audio. He apologizes to the boys in the back for some people that were brought in last year.
Rockin Rebel/Greg Matthews/Danny Rose/Chris Cash/GQ vs Irish Drinking Team/Derek Frazier/Jon Dahmer/Adam Flash
I don't know anyone in this besides Rebel and the dude from Tough Enough. The heels go to the floor. Shitty dives. This fucking cunt's catchphrase of "EXCUSE ME" is already getting on my god damn nerves. Dude says it on EVERY high spot. Cash and skinny dude do some awkward "chain" wrestling. Rebel is tagged in. Powerslam. Dick head chops. Rebel dropkick. Double Flapjack Norton. Crowd is chanting for Zandig. Tough Enough pins Skinny Huy with a Snow Plow. How did this dude go from being the only guy that impressed HHH on Tough Enough to CZFNW? Rebel uses a fireball OUTTA NOWHERE and pins Green Camo with a leg drop. YOU CAN'T POWERBOMB KIDMAN. Super X Factor from Flash pins Tough Enough. Another double Flapjack Norton. DVD and a leg drop pins Adam Flash. Red Hair does a double pin or something. I don't fucking care. Purple and Black does a fall away slam. Cash comes in to hit a dragon suplex. Red Hair does a huge Reich suplex. GQ totally whiffs on a top rope double stomp thing. Fans were all over it. Top rope side effect. I want this shit to be over. Cash hits his finish, which is a cut throat Burning Hammer that is called Markin' Out. Another botch as Red Hair misses a lariatoo intercepting a Van Terminator. Move of 1000 Maniacs, which is a powerbomb into a piledriver. Fucking terrible names for moves in this. GQ is eliminated. FUCKING END THIS MATCH. Cash Flow from the top eliminates Purple and Black. Dahmer and Cash are all that are left. Thank god. Gory Bomb for the win. Cash wins. It's finally fucking over.
Z-Barr vs Rick Feinberg/Hurricane Kid
I guess Barr and Feinberg were former lovers or something. Tons of gay jokes that even King would think were bad. Feinberg does spinny indie slams that were really popular in 2002. Z-Barr does a tope. This show is pretty fucking bad. From the camera work to the announcing to the audio to the actual wrestling. Everything sucks. Kiss! The FACE announcer starts screaming for the show to be stopped and for an X to be put on the screen. Because of 2 dudes kissing. Pretty dangerous looking exploddaah from Barr. This shit sucks. I'd rather watch Spring Stampede 2000. Tiger Driver '91. That's not even the dude's finisher. Donkey Punch for Z-Barr win. It's the 5 Knuckle Shuffle with suck its instead of brushing dirt of your shoulder. I assume Feinberg was a rib on Rob Feinstein.
Josh Prohibition vs Nick Berk Submission Match
Josh cuts a promo with a whole lot of f-bombs. Nick has never won on a big show. They start out with weird chain wrestling. It goes to the floor and Josh hits a suicide dive. Back in the ring. Saito suplex and cravat Regal Stretch. This is stupid. It's just trading sloppy submissions back and forth. These shitty announcers are calling most of them by the wrong names and talking about how devastating they are when they look like they are applied by someone 4 months into training. Ian Knoxx comes out with a beer and offers it to Josh. Berk hits a Last Ride and the dumbest variation of a Texas Cloverleaf I've ever seen. John taps. Get this shit out of here.
Sonjay Dutt vs M-Dogg 20 vs Ruckus
The face announcer is really pissed with Sonjay's dancing. M-Dogg sends both men to the floor and follows it with a terrible 619 into a head scissors. One of the dumbest indie sequences I've ever seen where all guys just run past/under each other for 50 seconds, then Sonjay takes turns on shoulders, all to end with a kick to the face. Sonjay is sent to the floor. If you don't know Ruckus, he's a dude that did moves so convoluted and full of flips/rolls/cartwheels that RVD would call foul on them. He does this stupid powerbomb/arm drag thing. Sonjay makes it back into the ring. M-Dogg is supposed to lariatoo him, with Sonjay booting his arm away. Instead, he missed the arm, M-Dogg hit him anyway, then threw his own arm back for no reason. Space Tiger Flying M-Dogg. Sonjay follows that up with a Hindu press. M-Dogg then climbs up a post in the ECW arena and jumps off. Moments later, he climbs up the ring post and hangs out like a flag, then drops after Ruckus does 98 back flips. These dudes can barely handle locking up, but there they are doing dives with 5 flips and jumping off support beams. Oh boy, double standing shooting star presses! So xtreme. M-Dogg followed it with the dumbest DDT of all time. Rolling Thunder into a ribbon dance into a DDT. Chris Cash comes back out. I hope he ends this match. All 3 men nip up and beat him up. Ruckus drops the bomb. Sonjay then does a Phoenix Splash. Shouldn't one of these guys try to win the match instead of continuing to beat up the dude who interfered? SSP from da Dogg. And now the match is back on. Lol, this was just an excuse for them to get their top rope moves in. Sonjay rolls M-Dogg up for the win. Fucking stupid. The whole match. The whole show. The whole company. Sonjay gets some little black girl out of the crowd to dance with. She dances much better than him. Then a little white girl who I swear is twerking and shaking her ass. She's probably 8. I'm not giffing that shit. Sonjay then attacks the dudes and is run out of the ring. Why the fuck would you bring little kids to a show like this? Why does this 8 year old girl know how to dance by shaking her ass and being extremely sexually suggestive? Why was that kept on the DVD?
Chris Hero/B-Boy vs H8 Club CZW Tag Team Championships
Hero was still in his fat phase. Wearing rave pants and a shit shirt, being whiter than Sheamus. Nate and Hero start out. Hero is so fat. Can you believe this guy made it to a talking head on CM Punk's DVD? Hero gets his ass kicked for a while. B-Boy comes in and also gets his ass kicked. He recovers with a spinning neck breaker and basement dropkick in the corner that totally missed. They picked the worst camera angle to draw attention to how it missed, too. Double Flapjack Norton on the floor. B-Boy does a dive. I don't give a single fuck about ANY of this. B-Boy gets out of a chokebreaker and hits a Kanyon Cutter. BANG! This is followed by a Shining Wizard. Gage kicks out. Chokebreaker. IT'S A SHAMEFUL THING! 2 count. Nate Hatred pins B-Boy with a lariatooo. Titles retained.
Backseat Boyz vs Sick Nick Mondo/Ric Blade TLC Match
They work it as a regular tag match at first. Kash and Mondo start out and do some horrible chain wrestling that includes Mondo taking a bump for no reason. This shit is so stupidly and obviously choreographed. There is nothing natural about what they're doing. And when they fuck up in their chain of moves, they just keep going without even reacting. Double dives from the faces. Acid does a blue thunder driver onto a ladder that is stacked between chairs. Northern lights and then a TKO on the ladder. I already hate this match just from how fucking stupid the opening spots were. H-Bomb through a ladder. Blade and Kash are up near the eagle's nest. There happen to be tables and ladders over there. The BSB are put on tables and then a ladder is put on top of them. The faces then moonsault off the eagle's nest onto the ladder. It was fucking stupid. Ric Blade wrapped around the ladder and banged his head off the stage. He would later do a spin kick to fucking nowhere. They do a similar spot in the ring with the ladder laid across the BSB and then the faces doing top rope moves ON TO THE LADDER. Not even onto the guys, but in the space where the ladder is between them. Blade does a leg drop from a ladder that is about twice as high as the ring. BSB do a double dive, putting Blade through a table. This is the dumbest shit. These dudes are trying to do these super athletic counters when, as it turns out, they aren't that great of athletes. Kash attempts the Funk ladder spot. Mondo double stomps it. The giant ladder is so tall that even on the floor it is 4 feet above the top rope. Top rope falcon arrow/knee buster thing. This whole match is stupid as fuck. Mondo is back dropped over the top through a table. BSB win by doing the Backseat Driver into a ladder. Match was terrible. None of the spots made sense, they fucked up just about all of them. Zero psychology even by TLC standards. It's a bunch of guys thinking they are really athletic and trying to do really athletic spots and sequences, but they aren't that athletic and can't keep up with themselves.
Justice Pain vs Messiah CZW Heavyweight Championship
Messiah was XPW's biggest "star" and jumped ship. He also got his thumb cut off by Rob Black, owner of XPW, porn mogul, and all around cunt. You know how some of the old guys wear t-shirts to hide how old/saggy/fat they look? Messiah wears a shirt because he's so skinny. Justice dominates the opening minutes. Messiah comes back with arm bars and a neck breaker. Belly to belly into the corner. Oh look, more guys who think they are real wrestlers trying to do athletic shit that they can't handle. Diving tornado DDT from Messiah. Messiah tries a table spot and gets hit with a chair. He then tries a flip off the apron, misses, and bounces/skips off the table. Justice does a sitting blockbuster on the floor and then a real one in the ring. I wish this should would end. Shitty Van Daminator is botched, so Justice tries to cave Messiah's head in to make up for it. Cross body over the top on to a stack of chairs. Nick Gage runs in and lays both guys out. He empties a bag of tacks in the middle of the ring and leaves. Pop up Kanyon Cutter that pretty much completely misses the tacks. BANG! Burning Hammer on to thumb tacks gets a 2 count. Angle Slam on the tacks. Messiah's body totally missed them. Justice Pain landed fully on them and no sold it. Superplex on tacks. Another Angle Slam on tacks, this time from Justice. LOL Messiah wins with a crucifix. In a match with chair pyramids and thumbtacks. Title retained. Or new champion. I don't know. Both guys had belts with them. Who gives a fuck.
CZW fucking sucks.