WCW Monday Nitro 11/15/99
Norman Smiley vs Jimmy Hart Hardcore Match
Norman is in football pads. Jimmy Hart comes out in a mother fucking suit of armor. I wonder if he borrowed that from The Genius, or if Genius was the one to originally borrow it from him. This is ludicrous. "He looks like the world's toughest nickel." Lol, what? Jimmy Hart tried to do the Big Wiggle, but the armor really hampered him. Knobs came out and hit Norman with a chair, but the shoulder pads saved him. Too bad he turned around and got cracked in the head. Norman kicks out! Jimmy tries to splash Norman through a table off the apron. Norman moves. Norman wins! Knobs beat the shit out of him after the match.
We're shown the brackets for tonight. We are down to the elite 8. Bret Hart vs Kidman, Sting vs Lex, Scott Hall vs Chris Benoit, and Jeff Jarrett vs Buff Bagwell are the tournament matches we have tonight. Also tonight is Goldberg vs Hennig and a House of Pain cage match.
TO THE BACK. Tenay talks with Hennig. If Perfect can beat Goldberg, he will get a new contract. Elsewhere, Kim asks Terry Taylor for someone. Couldn't hear due to the low audio. Elsewhere elsewhere, The Outsiders arrive, with Nash dressed up as Sid this week.
EARLIER TODAY. Tenay talked with Spice. AC Jazz no showed and was kicked out of the group. Tygress then attacked Spice and we had a pull apart cat fight.
The Outsiders come to the ring. Nash does a Sid impression. HE IS THE RULER OF THE WORLD! Basically, Sid might be mentally challenged. BUT HE IS THE RULER OF THE WORLD! Sid comes out. All this shit stops tonight. "See, Nash, you can wear any Halloween costume you want to, but you know and I know that you are only half the man that I am. And I have half the brain that you do!." And even without saying that, he proved it by stumbling over his entire promo and repeating himself. He challenged Nash to a match tonight. "I'm begging you, Kevin, for once in your life be a man, not a clown!" This was one of the worst live promos I've ever seen that wasn't by a rookie or on an indie show. Hilarious.
TO THE BACK. Tenay talks with Booker, who has a match with Creative Control, also known as Gerald and Patrick. GET IT? When midnight strikes, Creative Control is fucking boned. Elsewhere, Kim comes to TPTB's office. One of the bros hits on her.
TO THE POWERS THAT BE. Kim thinks it is bullshit that she's being made to wrestle. Dr. Claw Russo says that she's under contract and if she doesn't want to dance, she has to wrestle. She'll get a tune up match tonight against Asya. Asya is now a seasoned veteran. Also, there will be a special referee. Kevin Nash then walked in and sat down.
Booker T. vs Creative Control
Booker took forever to come out because Chavo was trying to sell him shit. We get word that Nash's retirement has been lifted and he will face Sid tonight. Tony says it was a lame angle anyway. Fuck the Harris Brothers. God damn I hate them. The lights went out and Midnight arrived, causing a DQ.
TO THE BACK. The First Family all argue. Flynn might have left the group. Elsewhere, Goldberg decides to show up fashionably late.
TO THE POWERS THAT BE. Dr. Claw Russo shits all over the Blu Brothers and DOA (another gimmick he was responsible for that he's now burying) and threatens to call Dutch Mantel if they don't get their shit together. He wants then to get Torrie and the luchadors.
Johnny Boon vs Evan Karagias
That's right, a ref vs wrestler match. Evan has a title match this Sunday, but he's having a competitive fight with a ref on the go home Nitro. Madusa is on color trying to be sexy. She isn't. This is ridiculous. This is the only ref who doesn't die when getting brushed against because he and Evan have been punching the shit out of each other for a few minutes. Madusa gets in the ring, pulls Johnny's shirt over his head, then shoves him down. Evan wins. Again, Evan has a title shot in 6 days and had to have outside interference to beat a ref.
TO THE POWERS THAT BE. The luchadors are in the office. Dr. Claw Russo calls El Dandy “Lou Ferrigno Jr.” and says that mid carders don't make much money. But tonight, they have a chance to make $10K in a pinata on a pole match!
TO THE BACK. Steve Williams and Jim Ross arrive. Elsewhere, Creative Control are looking for Torrie.
Juventud Guerrera vs Silver King vs El Dandy vs Psychosis vs Villano V Pinata On A Pole Match
Each man has a stick. Whoever breaks the pinata first will get $10K. Of course, the pinata falls with in the first 20 seconds. JR and Dr. Death come out. JR says Tony has always been B Team. We get to hear a lot about football. SLUG FEST SLUG FEST SLUG FEST! HE'S GOT THE STICK HE'S GOT THE STICK HE'S GOT THE STICK! PINATA PINATA PINATA! “Who is that? Is that Juvi?” This actually kind of started out funny, and the impression is accurate in many ways, but I find it a lot more offensive now than I did back then. It wouldn't be that bad if he wasn't doing the face thing with it. Juvi is the only name Oklahoma knows, so he screams it over and over. Juvi holds the pinata up and shakes it, revealing CANDY CANDY CANDY. Dr. Death then comes in the ring and murders all the luchadors. I believe Silver King technically won since he had the check. Dr. Death then stole it. I don't know if it was a DQ or not.
TO THE BACK. Tenay talks to Goldberg about possibly retiring Curt Hennig. Goldberg doesn't give a shit about any of this nonsense going on. Elsewhere, Tenay talked to Kevin Nash. Nash got real serious and took offense to Tony saying his retirement angle was bogus. As far as he was concerned, WCW sucked and he took time off until things got fun again. Now that Hall is back, it is fun for him.
Goldberg vs Curt Hennig
The match starts in the back as Hennig tried to slam a door on Goldberg to prevent him from even coming to the ring. It didn't work. They brawl all through the back and finally make it to the ring area. Perfect totally had Goldberg pinned for like a minute straight with a submission hold. Goldberg's shoulders were flat on the mat and the ref was right there and didn't even bother to count or even tell him to move his shoulders a little. Hennig immediately taps to a knee bar, but since he wasn't pinned, he still has a job. He decked the ref and got speared. Goldberg was limping after the spear.
TO THE BACK. Kim is on the phone, probably with DDP. The lights start flashing and she freaks out. Instead of David, it was Janitor Jim Duggan, who says the fuses are always going out around there. Does that mean Jim thinks that every building they run is the same building? Elsewhere, Creative Control find the Filthy Animals and ask for Torrie. Elsewhere elsewhere, Chavo sells Duggan some fuses.
Vampiro/The Misfits vs Berlyn Wall
All of the Misfits are pretty jacked for rock stars. Lol, Tony calls Berlyn, “Alex”. God damn they've killed his gimmick hard. The first move is a belly to belly that Vamp probably got a concussion on. Wall chokeslammed Only and one of the other dudes. Crushed that guy. Berlyn and Wall do a suplex missile dropkick combo. Wall made the cover, but Alex pulled him off and got pissed. Wall would do the same thing when Alex made a pin. Wall chokeslammed Vamp and pinned him. Berlyn then whipped Vamp repeatedly with a chain. Vamp definitely got fucked up in this match. He took 2 or 3 really high angled bumps on his head and shoulders.
TO THE BACK. Creative Control walk Torrie to TPTB's office. Elsewhere, Goldberg is still pumped up.
TO THE POWERS THAT BE. Dr. Claw Russo tells Torrie that IT'S ALL ABOUT DA RATINGS and gives her a referee bikini to put on.
Rick Steiner vs Sid WCW TV Championship
Allegedly this is a title match. Steiner didn't come out with it. These fans are great because they're clearly doing whatever they can to keep themselves entertained during this garbage show without resorting to chanting about how awesome they are. They just keep drinking and having fun. The match heads into the crowd, then up to the stage. Sid powerbombs Rick through a part of the stage and walks off. I'm not even sure if this match actually started or not. After the break, Rick was stretchered out. We follow it all the way to the back where he is loaded into an ambulance feet first. They almost drop him, which is one of the reasons why you don't load people in feet first so if you do drop them, they don't slam down on their heads. Also so their head isn't right in the way in the event of a rear end collision.
TO THE BACK. Tenay chides Sid for possibly ending Rick's career. Sid doesn't even acknowledge it and instead is intent on killing Nash. Elsewhere, Nash tapes up for his fight. Elsewhere elsewhere, Jerry Flynn and Barbarian head into the boiler room. They fight. It's not a match, but they are in wrestling gear and there are multiple cameras. Flynn eventually knocks Barb out. Elsewhere elsewhere elsewhere, Asya heads to the ring. Elsewhere elsewhere elsewhere elsewhere, Tenay talks to Benoit about this match with Hall.
Asya vs Kim Special Guest Referee: Torrie Wilson
Torrie and Asya have one of the worst cat fights I've ever seen. Kidman and Eddie cover Torrie up and take her to the back. David Flair came out with a ref shirt on. Kim bailed. Asya gave him a side walk slam and elbow to the dick. He recovered and gave her a suplex. Shane came in and got hit with a crowbar. David bails.
TO THE BACK. Someone delivers flowers to Sting. They're from Lex. Lex DOES want to fuck him. I knew it. Elsewhere, Lex and Liz (Lix? Lez?) are nervous about Sting turning down the flowers. They show this by repeating the same dialog verbatim as last week in a similar segment. Elsewhere elsewhere, Goldberg replenishes his electrolytes. Elsewhere elsewhere elsewhere, Kim is still running from David.
Chris Benoit vs Scott Hall
Bret came out with Benoit. Hall spends a longer time stalling than any match has lasted so far. They have a real match, but even after a nap, I'm still mentally exhausted from this show. Nash got involved. Ref didn't care. While Benoit, Nash, and Bret were fighting on the floor, Sid ran out and powerbombed Hall. Benoit went back in to pin, but Nash broke it. Hall immediately no sold the powerbomb and pulled something out of his tights. He was locked in the Iron Crossface before he could use it. Benoit advances to the final four.
TO THE BACK. Goldberg calmly drinks coffee. Elsewhere, Tenay talks with Buff about TPTB. Buff said that Jeff isn't going over him. “Who knows what you say? I ignore you most of the time.” Lol, Brain.
Kidman vs Bret Hart
I'd like for this to be Bret vs 123 Kid 2.0, but it's Nitro. A Russo Nitro. Kidman blocks the Sharpshooter. He did not block the slingshot that sent him flying over the top. Kidman made a come back. The Outsiders came out and hit on Torrie. Eddie and Konnan fought with them. Bret countered a rana with the Sharpshooter and advances to the final four. During the break, Kidman was powerbobmed, Rey was injured (he's already injured) and Eddie and Konnan were laid out.
TO THE BACK. Lex and Liz are in the kitchen. They ask for brownies. Someone gives them a big plate of brownies that just happened around. Elsewhere, Tenay talked to Jeff Jarrett about his tournament match. Jeff is going to the finals. Deal with it. Slapnuts.
Buff Bagwell vs Jeff Jarrett
Jeff has new music, which sounds like instrumental ICP, so it still is quite inappropriate for him. Shortly after the match starts, Creative Control came out. The ref decides to tie his shoe as they slide a guitar into the ring. Buff hit one of them with it. Jeff still won with the Stroke. Dustin Rhodes made a save after the match.
TO THE BACK. Nash paces for his match. Elsewhere., Goldberg headbutts a SURGE machine to get a drink because he had no change on him. Elsewhere elsewhere, Liz and Lex are putting Exlax in some brownies for Sting.
EARLIER TODAY. Tenay talked with the Revolution about the House of Pain cage match with the Filthy Animals. It's stupid. Saturn really likes House of Pain and Everlast.
TO THE BACK. Janitor Jim intercepts the brownie delivery and eats them himself.
Filthy Animals vs Revolution House of Pain Cage Match
HOP is a match where you win by handcuffing your opponent's hands and feet to the cage. Tony randomly rants about marks on the internet who think they know how to call a match. Naturally, Eddie is chained up with in the first 2 minutes, leaving Konnan to work the match. Konnan is cuffed and this cage match ends in like 5 minutes. I'm quite sure that his legs were cuffed to the cage, so the match shouldn't have ended at all. Rey came out and was strung up by his injured leg from the top of the cage. Security stopped the beat down.
Sting vs The Total Package
Sting totally dominates Lex until there is a ref bump and Liz pepper sprayed him. Meng came out and put Lex in the Tongan Death Grip. Liz tries to spray Meng and couldn't figure out how. Sting is placed on Lex and advances to the final four.
TO THE BACK. Jim Duggan is shitting his brains out, covered in sweat after exiting the stall. He did it in TPTB's bathroom and left it, calling Russo a jack off as he walked away. Elsewhere, Sid headed to the ring.
During the break, Goldberg left his locker room.
Kevin Nash vs Sid Street Fight
I don't get what's going on with Sid. He's basically been booked as a face for two weeks and his match with Goldberg wasn't even mentioned on Thunder or tonight. It's like they just dropped it half way through the feud so Sid could instead feud with Rick Steiner and the Outsiders. Match starts in the aisle and quickly heads into the crowd. They have exactly the boring big man brawl that you'd expect. Hall came out to stop Sid from hitting the powerbomb. Goldberg came out and double speared the Outsiders, causing a DQ in an anything goes street fight. Sid and Goldberg fight, with Sid hitting a low blow. Bret prevented Sid from using a giant padded chair. WE'RE OUTTA TIME!
DQ Count: I honestly don't know.
Russo has been in charge for a month and we've already had 2 pole matches and 2 cage matches on TV without any hype. In addition, we have had a 32 man tournament where all but 3 finishes have been via DQ, count out, or interference. We've had guys openly saying they weren't going to do any more jobs, guys saying everything is a work, announcers talking about angles being lame, intentional production errors seeing people breaking character, guys burying their current and past gimmicks, Russo himself burying WWF characters he was responsible for, and wrestlers saying WCW sucks and their career is in the shitter for having to work there. Speaking of shit, we had our first backstage shit promo, complete with farts sound effects. The WWF is mentioned every week. One show had Nash pretend to be Vince the whole show just so he and Hall could tell the WWF to suck it. Suddenly, all the women are now wrestling, even though none of them are trained wrestlers. Ratings (especially top of the hour) are mentioned multiple times a week.
This shit is madness.