UR FIGHT 1 (FEAT. STRO) - THE GREATEST NIGHT IN THE HISTORY OF OUR SPORTS
Holy shit let's do this. Show is opening up with some nu-metal. Jim Ross is there, his broadcast partners are Rampage Jackson and MMA/soccer commentator Sean Wheelock. They run down the card. Rampage calls Sonnen "Shawnnen". Fuck. Fighter's height is in centimeters, weight is in pounds. They're in Phoenix, Arizona. Arena has maybe a couple hundred people there. Better than TNA. Justin Roberts is the announcer and he brings a girl, Laura Walsh, to sing the national anthem. She's hot. She sings well. We see a weigh-in video for MMA clash of the titans, Shannon Ritch vs Mavrick Harvey. Sean says they have "legit heat". Now we see a weigh-in video for Chael Sonnen vs Michael Bisping. Rampage says Bisping should change his name from "Count" to "Cunt". Incredible. Finally the weigh-in for Roy Jones Jr vs Vyron Phillips. We set to go.
MMA FIGHT - SHANNON RITCH (W) vs MAVRICK HARVEY
This was supposed to be Severn vs Shamrock. Then Severn vs Tank. Neither happened cause they're all old fucks. Ritch is backstage with Jenn Sterger. His gameplan is to hit Harvey "hard, fast and continuously". Sounds good.
Ritch lost twice to Harvey before. Harvey comes out first. Ritch comes out showcasing his belts. Jim Ross completely buries Harvey. Says he's "north of 40" and questions how many promoters are gonna offer him a paycheck. Harvey is one weird ass dude. 1st round begins. Harvey immediately botches a low kick. Harvey throws Ritch between the rops and pummels him. The ref tries to break them up but Harvey pulls Ritch by the shorts. Buttcrack. Rampage is loving this shit. Harvey goes for a jumping knee but botches that and Ritch now has his back. Ritch starts working on a rear naked choke and he gets it.
Winner via submission is Shannon Ritch. Fuck that was short and sweet. This essentially sets up the rubber match for the rubber match.
GRAPPLING FIGHT - MICHAEL BISPING (W) vs CHAEL SONNEN
Sonnen looks fat, old and tired. Bisping looks like someone who took a beating just a couple of weeks ago. JR and Sean are commentating. Rampage just giggles like a teen on weed.
No judges so this either ends via submission or is an automatic draw. 1st round starts and both dudes are in the center of the ring looking for the clinch. Nothing really happens. Fans are trying a "Let's go ___" chant. During a grappling match. With no action going. JR and Sean trying to make this interesting. JR is a Sonnen mark. Bisping talks to the crowd. Or "chats shite" like his kind would say. Rampage fucking hates Bisping lol, keeps burying the guy.
Time for the 2nd round. Sonnen shots for a double leg but gets nothing. Commentary slowly starts to bury the match. Lol, JR is getting sick of this shit. Now Bisping is teasing Sonnen. He does the robot. Best part of the match so far. Rampage pretty much says it's ok to call Bisping a cunt cause it's a normal word in the UK. Body scissors takedown and heel hook attempt by Bisping. Finally.
Heading into the 3rd round. JR starts rambling about "booking these guys". "Bisping is slimy right now (...) he doesn't have the best hygiene" says Rampage in 2016. Rampage buries Frank Mir. "Any questions?" asks Bisping to the crowd while Sonnen is against the corner. JR notices Sonnen has two hosses in his corner. Bisping shoots and Sonnen ends up on top. Bisping pretends to throw elbows and Rampage loses his shit. Bisping goes for a triangle but Sonnen drops back for a heel hook. Bell rings and it's the end of the match.
Holy shit this was exactly what you expected from a dude who fought 10 minutes barely conscious 2 weeks ago and a suspended chubby middleweight who hasn't fought since 2013. Bisping is talking but it needs subtitles. Fuck that's a thick accent. He sounds like Andy Tate. Sonnen always feels like he's in promo mode when talks. Love him. Fucking looooool, we head to a new fight but the commentators mic is still on and you can hear Sean saying he's the biggest grappling mark there and this match was awful.
MMA FIGHT - JACOB ORTIZ vs BRENDAN TIERNEY
Tierney nickname is "Tiny Shorts" which is mindfucking JR completely. "I can't do tattoos and nicknames". Fucking hell. Tierney looks like someone who films women in public bathrooms. Probably buried a few. Holy shit.
1st round starts. Ortiz taking Tierney to the ground already. Tierney and Ortiz are trading leg locks. Ortiz gets tops control. Ortiz raining down blows. More ground scrambling, Ortiz has this round on lock.
2nd round begins. Both dudes trading blows in the middle of the ring. Tierney slips and Ortiz gets on top. More back and forth on the ground. Ortiz manages to make the most out of it and ends up with the advantage again. Another round for Ortiz.
Bell rings and we're in the 3rd round. Ortiz drops Tierney with a low kick and finishes him up with ground and pound. Decent fight, nothing special but not awful either. Time now for my good friend and wrestling expert Stro to shares his thoughts about the inbound fuckery.
For some reason, this show needed an intermission performance. And who do they choose? Why, the Peach Panther himself, Riff Raff. I would assume his suit is supposed to be peach, but it definitely looks pink. With him are two women in wigs and bathing suits. And a security guard. They just walk around looking lost. Riff Raff says every five lines while holding his cup. Now, this is in a wrestling ring in front of, at most, 300 people. LOL for his second song, he literally doesn't say anything for 15 seconds. He just breathes over the backing track. What the fuck IS this? This is the weirdest shit I've ever seen in a wrestling ring. One, all these songs sound like the same fucking song. Then you have the women who literally just walk from corner to corner and awkwardly stand. They don't even dance. Presumably the bodyguard is in the ring to prevent a drunken wrestling/MMA fan from trying to end this performance. All this plus the club lighting. POOL FULL OF MERMAIDS? What the fuck is going on? Is this a fever dream? I had one the other night about being on a train. There was a spot where the tracks were warped. Of course, it became a runaway train at this point. I was the only one on it and to steer it, I had to get on top of it and shift my weight. After going very fast and nearly crashing, it came to a safe spot in a Pueblo village outside of the jungle. Now, I know the Pueblo people lived in South West United States, but dreams are gonna dream. I stopped at a Goodwill, where I was greeted by locals who were very friendly and wanted to help. Mortal Kombat II was playing in the arcade.
I assumed the train represented my life after resuming drinking, and MKII was because I've played a lot of Injustice lately. The Pueblos...well, a few years back I had a dream while in a very good head space that I was walking down a path into a giant crater. At the bottom was a landing pad/bullseye with giant lights everywhere. The path was nearly 90 degrees down. I saw other people trying to run down to it, but were falling. A Pueblo person told me I would make it as long as I stayed on the path. But in real life, I did not stay on the path, and years later, they returned to show me my life as a runaway train needing to return to nature.
This is weirder than that. All of three people are dancing to this. Oh my god. He starts like...singing like a little kid who doesn't know the words to a song on the radio in the car...except it is his own song. This is bizarre. Finally, it ends. No one reacts.
Kurt Angle vs Rey Mysterio 2/3 Falls
Kurt comes out to Stars and Stripes Forever. On a show with Riff Raff and no name 40 something MMA fighters coming out to real music, Kurt can't even come out to his WWE or TNA themes. Not even the Olympics theme or the Star Spangled Banner. No, this is the royalty free patriotic American song shared by such greats as Jim Duggan and Lex Luger. And JR acts like this has always been Kurt's music. He also immediately shits on Riff Raff. "I'm not so sure if they're cheering for Kurt Angle's arrival, or Riff Raff's exit. Just saying." Rampage giggles at this old white guy from Oklahoma not being into Riff Raff. Kurt comes out in an Affliction shirt and legit looks like he wants to cry thinking about what path led him to this show. Rey also has an unfamiliar theme. For some reason, the camera focuses for a LONG time on a "Mysterio is gonna 602 you" sign. So, this dude that's out there with him. He won a contest to design a mask for Rey to wear to this event. But it looked so shitty that Rey decided to give it back to that guy and let him wear it instead. Rey wears a Lucha Underground shirt, and on the back of his ring shirt is a boot leg El Rey logo. So....El Rey Mysterio.
Now, Rampage starts this saying how he was a big wrestling fan as a kid and wanted to be a pro wrestler. Then he starts pointing out logic flaws and says he'd flick Rey off of him look a booger. Rey initially has the upper hand. Kurt then punches him with a better punch than the actual MMA match. Rampage also seems to think everything is illegal. Even though he's worked for a wrestling company. Kurt is focusing all of his offense on Rey's middle/lower back, which...what the fuck. Of all the match for Kurt Angle to actually start using psychology, it's in front of 200 people right after a Riff Raff performance. He looks surprisingly good, considering how awful he's looked for the past oh...7 years. Kurt wins fall 1 with the Angle Slam.
As is normal with 2/3 falls, Rey quickly wins fall 2. Like...a minute in, with the 602 and falling splash. I don't trust this lumpy ass ropes for a second. Neither does Rey, which is why he basically fell off of them instead of trying to jump in any manner.
Also weird about this is Kurt turning heel about 2 minutes into the first fall, when he came out as a smiley baby face. Kurt goes for the ankle lock, which Rey is able to counter and almost win with a roll up. Kurt hits another Olympic Slam...and Rey kicks out. And then Rey hits the 602/splash combo again, which Kurt kicks out of. Rey looks like he slipped off the ropes when doing it. I wouldn't stand on those fucking things for all the $75 they got paid for this match. REF BUMP. Did I mention that they brought in Brian Hebner to do this match? Kurt hits a blatant low blow and goes to grab a chair. "That dirty motha...this MOTHA FUCKA!" Rampage was not pleased about Kurt grabbing that chair to hit a little fella. Not one bit. Luckily, RIFF RAFF returns to save the day. Rey hits another 619 and splash for the win. Kurt wanders around for what feels like minutes looking for a mic. He never got one so he just left.
Considering the circumstances of both the bodies of these guys in 2016, this fucking show, and Riff Raff being integral to the finish, it was a very solid match. Well, back to your normal host.
BOXING MATCH - ROY JONES JR (W) vs VYRON PHILLIPS
Thank you, Stro. Fuck, Roy looks old as hell. He is old as hell. Vyron is a Z-level MMA dude sent in for the job.
1st round, 3 minutes, boxing rules. Vyron is more active early on as Roy bides his time. The young gun trying to get some hits in but they all land on Roy's gloves. Roy's head movement is still excellent. Final 10 seconds and Roy lands a step in right hand that stuns Vyron. Saved by the bell.
2nd round starts. Vyron still the agressor but Roy knows more about boxing in his is sleep than Vyron ever will. Roy starts opening up the book. Roy waits for Vyron to come forward and smashes him with a right hand that sends him down for the count. Vyron is done and Roy is your winner.
Enjoyable fight, happy to see Roy. Some say he's tarnishing his legacy but the man has done it all, let him have fun fighting bums for an easy paycheck.
Back to the commentators with the closing comments. JR buries the MMA fights. JR is stunned the MMA guys have hundreds of fights. "You gotta buy groceries... a brotha gotta eat" - JR to Rampage Jackson in 2016. Absolutely sensational. What a fun show. Highly recommended. Genuinely curious to see what UR Fight 2 will bring. I'm thinking Bob Sapp.