WCW Starrcade 1994
To start the show, Gene says that Brain is the Ed Wood of pro wrestling. Gene also goes on to say that this is the biggest event he's ever been involved in. I guess the Skydome and Pontiac Silver Dome just can't compare to the Nashville Municipal Auditorium. Country music "superstar" Aaron Tippon sang the national anthem while rocking a pomador mullet and a dope mustache. As if WCW needed to look more redneck and Southern.
TO SATURDAY NIGHT. We're shown footage of Randy Savage telling Mean Gene that he'll be at Starrcade to confront Hulk Hogan. And he'll either shake the man's hand, or slap the man's face. We're over 7 minutes into the biggest show of the year and nothing has happened besides talking, recaps, and the national anthem. And a hotline plug.
TO THE PWI AWARDS. Bill Apter awarded Hulk Hogan with the Wrestler of the Year award, despite Hogan not even wrestling until July of 1994. Hulk gives a speech about how all the people at MGM Studios were telling him how wrestling wasn't the same without Hulk Hogan and they inspired him to come back and beat Ric Flair.
Vader vs Jim DOOGUN WCW US Championship
11 minutes before the first wrestler is introduced. Of course Harley gets involved before the bell even rings and takes his old man slow motion bumps. Why did anyone in WCW let him keep doing this shit? He looked so ancient. The match quickly heads to the floor, with DOOGUN on the offense. Vader crushes the guard rail. Old Glory Lariato. Another one sends Vader over the top rope. DISQUALIFY THAT MAN! When Vader gets back in, he's hit with a cross body and a body slam. What the fuck, Vader has had no offense at all. Another Old Glory Lariato. Vader finally gets on the offense...by having Harley distract the ref so he can poke DOOGUN in the eye. The fuck. He's VADER. Why is he wrestling like Ric Flair? Another Old Glory Lariatooooo. DOOGUN tries an elbow off the second rope. It doesn't work. Vader lariatooos him in the back of the head, sending him to the floor. Harley tries to work his old man magic, but the ref sees him. This sucks. Vader Bomb. The last Vader match I watched was Vader vs Dustin from the COTC before this and it was AWESOME. Sting/Vader level of dope. This match has Hacksaw dominating him and Vader only able to get offense by cheating like Ric Flair instead of just knocking the shit out of Jim. Vadersault misses. Another god damn Old Glory Lariatooo. They don't even look good. ANOTHER one. Harley had to break the pin. Vader wasn't even going to kick out at two. He also has the ref distracted to miss Vader being pinned by a powerslam. DOOGUN runs into his own board that Harley was holding. Vader hits the Face Eraser. New champion! God, what terrible, terrible, terrible booking of Vader. DOOGUN dominated 90% of the match and the only times Vader got on offense was because of Harley cheating and him doing cheap shots. Who the fuck thought it was a good idea to make Vader look like a big putz?
TO THE MEAN GENE. Gene speaks with the Three Faces of Fear in the locker room. The Beefer has a Hulkamania tombstone. I wonder if WWE will ever market those. Beefcake definitely says that he's 'SKY HIIIGH". Now, is that a shoot? Quake says Sting will feel the earthquake avalanche. Sullivan talks about an alliance he's made.
John Paul Lesveque vs Alex Wright
HHH's music is not at all befitting of his gimmick. It sounds like it was straight out of the SNES version of Maximum Carnage. He was doing the blue blood gimmick, but more French than the WWF version. Holy shit, WALDO is in the crowd! I found him! HHH gets to the early advantage, but Alex uses his speed and agility to show the Frenchman up. He even leap frogs the ref for no reason. HHH tries to stick with the arm work. Alex again uses his speed to get out of it and hit some dropkicks and what not. ARM DRAGS. FOR EVERYONE. Some mat work that I can't see because we're too focused on crane shots of the crowd looking bored. Lots of trading holds on the mat, but none of it is interesting. It's all competent stuff, but not interesting. Well, until HHH head stands out of a head scissors and punches Alex wright in the mouth. Get ANGRY. BURY this fool! HHH is getting aggressive. Finally. Spinning heel kick from the Game! Boy, that hair is wonderful. I kind of miss it. Snap suplex. Poor Alex misses a cross body and rolls to the floor. Sunset flip! HHH stops that shit dead in its tracks. Powerslam! I can see why Vince picked HHH up. Good look, very competent in the ring, good presence. This was only a couple of years in. There is definitely something there. I'm not sure if I see a guy who was on top of WWE for 12 years or so, but something worth taking a chance on for sure. DROPKICK! From HHH! Hunner misses a top rope elbow drop. I can see why he dropped that move. Looked as bad as Punk's elbow. Alex fires off some European uppercuts and hits a flying back...something. Double noggin knocker. Alex wins with the Divas Special OUTTA NOWHERE! This got way more interesting once HHH took control and showed a lot of promise for the future.
Arn Anderson vs Johnny B. Badd WCW TV Championship
Oh thank god. This was supposed to be Honky Tonk Man vs Badd. His music even played. But Arn came out instead. A Christmas miracle! Arn immediately shows Johnny how to do a stiff shoulder block and how to use hair for leverage. Good luck trying that on Arn. I bet if I worked hard, I could have a body like Arn Anderson. I was thinking Dean Malenko, but I think Arn Anderson is probably what I'd end up looking like. I'd be okay with that. Much like Dean, Arn looks like a dad who has super dad strength and would fuck you up for fucking up his lawn. Spinebuster in the garden. Spinebuster! He doesn't even go for a pin and keeps the match going. I hope he hits 2 more and a DDT. Arn is trying, but Badd isn't giving him a lot to work with. Especially when it comes to stuff on the mat. Johnny fires up, hits his couple moves of doom. Arn kicks out of the super sunset flip. Arn almost gets the win with his feet on the ropes. The ref sees it. Johnny then wins with the Divas Special OUTTA NOWHERE. Title retained. Two matches in a row end with the face getting a surprise roll up.
TO THE PWI AWARDS. Now we get to see Apter present the Nasty Boys with the Tag Team Of The Year award. WCW clearly had an inside deal with PWI.
Nasty Boys vs Harlem Heat
Book looks so young. All four start brawling in the ring. I guess Saggs and Book start. Saggs gets a visual win 15 seconds in. Things that suck: The Nasty Boys, this show. Shit goes to the floor, but fuck the Nasty Boys. Stevie and Knobs have a terrible exchange, unsurprisingly. Was Knobs ever actually trained to be a pro wrestler? This suuuuuuuucks. If I had booze on me, I would have been plastered by the end of Duggan/Vader. At least there was no HTM. God, wrap this shit up guys. This just won't end. Book takes a massive bump from a lariatooo. Sherri tries to spray Knobs with hair spray, but got Stevie instead. Sags hits a top rope elbow. Sherri tries a top rope splash and lands on Booker. The ref called for a DQ for that, even though she didn't hit either of the Nasty Boys.
TO THE PWI AWARDS. Apter presents Sting with the Most Popular Wrestler award. Hogan doesn't look like he appreciates that one bit. Stinger makes some comments that could be passive aggressive digs at Hogan, talking about how he's the rock of WCW and has been there forever.
TO THE BACK. Gene speaks with Sting in the locker room. Quake gonna get shook.
Kevin Sullivan vs Mr. T
T comes out in his referee gear, which is a traditional stripped ref shirt with leggings and wrestling shoes. But he's wrestling. He's not a ref tonight. Oh, and here's Santa sauntering out. Sullivan gets T to the floor and tries to take that referee shirt off, because T is a wrestler, not a ref. I didn't know BronsonLee was old enough to have shot a WCW show from 1994, but I recognize that falling over the steps spot anywhere. And then the only shot he can get is of Sullivan's taint. My god this is a fucking mess. A fan in the front row grabs Sullivan's hand while he was rearing back to hit T. Jimmy Hart gives Santa his mega phone, then distracts the ref. Santa hits Sullivan with the megaphone filled bag. MY GOODNESS, SANTA IS DAVE SULLIVAN! And now Kevin is beating up Santa. And Santa's pants are falling off. Piledriver to Santa! And now he's belting Santa in the face. All of this happened in about 5 minutes. The match was around 3. What an amazing clusterfuck of bullshit.
TO THE MEAN BROTHERJACKDUDE. Gene talks to the Hulkster, saying he must have a lot of things going around his dome tonight. Hulkster says something about cancer and says the personal difference between Macho and himself have never been settled.
Avalanche vs Sting
Man, Quake's music is even a rip off of the Natural Disasters theme. Fans are really into Sting. Really the first thing of the night for them to cheer about. They do some sumo shit. I think Sting would have won a point if the WCW reticule logo was the boundary. Quake gets Sting in the corner and hits some HARD full body forearms to the ribs. Sting goes after the leg. I'm amazed that WCW never brought back Typhoon as Cyclone/Hurricane and reformed the Natural Disasters. Disasters of Nature. Nature's Disasters. Then they'd get a cease and desist and change to Shark/Big Tuna and be called Chicken of the Sea. Sting fails at a body slam attempt. Quake easily hits his slam and an elbow drop. Leg drop. He then stands on Sting's throat. Sting gets Quake through the ropes. Quake claims low blow. You'd have to hit super fucking hard to get through that gunt. Headlocks. I can buy Quake killed a dude with a headlock, though. Brain starts shitting on Bill Apter, saying he's survived six autopsies. Lariatoooo! That dope powerslam. Sting tries to come back with some sleepers. A second body slam doesn't work. Another powerslam. This has gone on too long. Quake took too long to go for the Aftershock and Sting met him with a lariatooo. And a huge flying chop thing from the top. The ref gets squashed in the corner with Quake and a Stinger Splash. The third slam works. Scorpion Deathlock! Sullivan breaks it. Sting throws him into Quake. Quake catches him and smashes Sting with him like he's Hulk or some shit. Aftershock. HERE COMES HULK HOGAN! The match is thrown out.
TO THE PWI AWARDS. Apter awards Jimmy Hart with the Manager of the Year award. This is some bullshit.
We now get a long Hogan/Beefcake video, talking about their long time friendship and all this bullshit while not being able to use any footage older than 5 months.
The Butcher vs Hulk Hogan WCW Championship
Tony totally said "The dick is stacked against Hogan" as Sullivan and Quake are out with Beefer. The entrances for this were so weird. They do their normal entrances, then Buffer does his long winded and stupid intro...and then Hogan's music starts again and pyro goes off on the stage. This is already terrible. I think Beefcake might be worse than the Nasty Boys. He's terrible at EVERYTHING. He can't even mean mug right. He seems pretty content with throat based offense. Hogan using a chair right in front of the ref and not even getting reprimanded for it. This is some LeBron shit up in here. Hiney OUTTA NOWHERE. This is terrible. As terrible as you'd expect it to be. It's GARBAGE. Oh, it's the sleeper. Fans aren't watching this at all as something was happening elsewhere in the building. People straight up in the front row aren't watching. Quake and Sullivan run out. Well, Sullivan ran. Quake kind of trotted. Hulk fights them both off and hits the leg drop for the win. Title retained. This fucking sucked. This whole fucking show sucked. IT'S THE MACHO MAN! He convinces the heels he's on their side only to SWERVE them! The Mega Powers have reunited! They did a hand shake, but it wasn't the Mega Powers handshake, so I'm not going to gif that. And now we get a pose down. It goes on for quite a while and then...
TO THE MEANBROTHERJACKDUDE. Gene is in the locker room with a lot of the face roster, celebrating with Hulk and Macho. Included in the party: Johnny B. Badd, Jerry Sags, Alex Wright, the Armstrong Brothers, Dave Sullivan, some random tiny old guy, and WCW Commissioner Nick Bockwinkel. Macho says some straight up gibberish that I didn't get any of. Holy shit, it's VADER. He challenges Hogan to a title match. Vader basically calls him a straight up bitch who is filled with the demon of FEAR and has lost his god damn SOUL. Hulk was legit shook. He shoves Vader and the fight is broken up before it happens. Until Vader flies back into the shot and almost kills Gene. Bock seems to grant Bock the match due to Vader being the number one contender. It's a shame that at the start of the show, we saw Vader look like a shithead who couldn't handle Jim DOOGUN at all. Now we're supposed to take him seriously against Hogan?
Hogan's first Starrcade.
On the card: Earthquake, Jim Duggan, Nasty Boys, Mr. T, Brutus Beefcake (IN THE MAIN EVENT), Bill Apter (FOUR FUCKING TIMES)
Not on the card: Steve Austin, Dustin Rhodes, Brian Pillman, Steven Regal, Ric Flair. Arn wouldn't have been on the show had HTM not been fired.
Vader booked to wrestle like Ric Flair, getting his ass kicked the whole match and only getting offense by eye pokes or Harley interfering.
This show was terrible. Match of the night goes to Sullivan/T because it was 3 minutes and featured cameos from BronsonLee and Santa.