God help me that I'm really rewatching this piece of shit and doing it without the benefit of alcohol. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck.
This is, of course, the first PPV after the reboot and the first of the Bischoff/Russo era.
TO THE BACK. Bischoff freaks out that Hogan has checked himself out of the hospital. Kidman and Russo are not worried.
The Mamalukes vs Team Package
Gene got some words with Team Package during the Mamalukes entrance. Lots of whooos and Russos. Flair is in street clothes because he's fighting tonight. Russo comes out to add the Harris Brothers to the match to make up for the experience differences. Predictably bad. Disco was taken away by gangsters. Lex made JTB give up to the torture rack.
TO THE MEAN GENE. Gene talks with Mike Awesome, who is in the tournament for the US Championship. Bam Bam interrupts the promo and is attacked for it.
Mancow vs Jimmy Hart
Fuck this. Not only did WCW think it was a good idea to waste PPV time with a 54 year old Jimmy Hart and a bootleg Howard Stern, but they deemed it so good that it needed a rematch later in the year. Mancow would win after a chair shot. Kidman comes out after the match to beat up Jimmy Hart.
TO THE BACK. Russo gives The Harris Brothers and The Mamalukes for not being able to defeat Team Package.
The Wall vs Scott Steiner
Some highlights of this: Wall not being able to tell the difference between 270 pound Scott Steiner and 190 pound Slick Johnson, Scott Steiner breaking a guard rail, and a DQ after it was pointed out that the rules were extremely lax for the night so guys could fight it out. Scott won via DQ and advances in the US Championship tournament.
TO THE MEAN GENE. Gene talks with The Cat. Bam Bam attacks him, I guess so he could take Cat's spot against Mike Awesome.
Mike Awesome vs Bam Bam Big Yellow
You know how Mike Awesome's whole thing was that he was this huge guy who could move around like a small guy? Does it make any sense to debut him against Nash, a guy 5 inches taller than him, and then have his debut match be against Bam Bam, a guy about the same size who is also prone to coming off the top rope? Early dive from Awesome and another one over the guard rail. Diving lariato. Bammer comes back with a diving headbutt and calls for Greetings. Cat runs out and attacks Bam Bam, then dances. Awesome mows him down and pins him with a Superfly Splash. Even though Bam Bam was the opponent.
TO THE BACK. Eric is stressing Russo out. Kidman still doesn't give a fuck because he's got Torrie to give a fuck. Elsewhere, Gene talks with Shane Douglas and Buff.
Harlem Heat 2K INC LTD vs Shane Douglas/Buff Bagwell
It's really sad how badly Shane degraded in such a short time. He was pretty rad during his second WCW run and his first ECW run. Then he went on a steady decline and ended up looking and moving like a guy 10 years older than he was by the time he got back to WCW. At this point, Dick Flair moved better at 51 than Shane did at 36. Shane kicked Ahmed in the balls and pinned Stevie with the Pittsburgh Plunge that looked an awful lot like a normal suplex. Harlem Heat got hot after the match.
TO THE MEAN GENE. Gene speaks with Booker about his upcoming tournament match with Sting.
Booker T. vs Sting
Things quickly head to the floor, where Booker is thrown into a camera man. Book comes back with a stun gun on the announce table. Back in the ring, Booker is in control. Book turned heel with the rest of the New Blood, but then kind of sort of turned back on Thunder, so he's kind of the only faceish young guy. Book hot dogs and gets hit with a DDT. Stinger Splash. A second one is countered with a Harlem side kick. A series of suplex reversals ends in a Scorpion death drop. Sting advances. This 6:30 match is the only kind of maybe decent thing on the show so far.
TO THE MEAN GENE. Gene speaks with Bischoff and Kidman. This show is every bit as shitty as it was the last time I watched it.
Vampiro vs Kidman
Vamp fucks Kidman up right away with a belly to belly, diving lariato, and a powerbomb. Vamp can powerbomb Kidman whenever he wants. Except the next time he tries because YOU CAN'T POWERBOMB KIDMAN. Except when you really want to. Uranage. Hulk Hogan shows up and beats the fuck out of Kidman for minutes, which isn't a DQ, but chokeslamming a ref while blinded is. Vampiro advances. Hulk's coming for Bischoff.
TO THE BACK. Bischoff wants to leave. Russo tells him to chill out. As Hogan tries to assault Bischoff, police storm the room and draw their guns. On Hulk Hogan. COPS ARE ABOUT TO SHOOT DOWN THE TERRORIST KNOWN AS HULK HOGAN. Lolwcw. Elsewhere, Terry Funk looks for Norman Smiley.
Norman Smiley v Terry Funk WCW Hardcore Championship
The match starts in the men's restroom. It heads into a kitchen. In a hallway, Terry busts a late 90s laptop on Norman's head. Norman climbs a random ladder, hangs from a pipe, and gets knocked into a table. It finally heads to the ring. The most awkward Big Wiggle is stopped by a chair shot. Dustin Rhodes showed up to botch a ladder see-saw spot. Funk tosses a ladder from the ring to the floor onto Norman and wins. New champion. Sadly, Terry's awkward dancing was not included as Tony was shilling for a WCW mouse pad was also cut from the Network release.
TO THE BACK. Russo gives Booker some shit and tries to get him back on the New Blood side.
Mike Awesome vs Scott Steiner
So, WCW steals Mike Awesome away from ECW while he's the ECW Champion. The deal is made that they must plug an upcoming ECW show, which they didn't do and got sued for it. They wanted him so badly that they debuted him against Kevin Nash, who is bigger than him. Then against Bam Bam, who is the same size as him. And then against Scott Steiner, who is smaller and made him look like a bitch on his first night in the ring with the company. Nash ran out and hit Awesome in the ass with a crutch. Steiner Recliner for the win.
TO THE BACK. Russo fires Dustin Rhodes. Russo brings up that he created Goldust and that's the only time anyone gave a shit about Dustin.
Vampiro vs Sting
Vamp over sells like he's HBK. Sting hits a Superfly Splash. He misses a Stinger Splash on the floor and Vamp responds with a legit CroCop styled ax kick. What the fuck, dude. Vamp stays on the offense for a few minutes only for Sting to swat him away and lock on the the Scorpion death lock for the win.
TO THE MEAN SCUM. DDP tells Gene that he is going to fuck Jeff Jarrett up.
Shannon Moore vs Lash LeRoux vs TAFKAPI vs Chris Candido vs Juventud Guerrera vs Crowbar WCW Cruiserweight Championship
The entire 3 Count song got played. Absolutely nothing interesting in the match. Sunny debuted and Skip is the new champion. I think the length of the match was shorter than the amount of wrestlers in it.
TO THE MEAN GENE. Jeff is going to smack liver spots and balls and slapnuts and ajf;lwkejf;lwkfoihhgjkgkeoeoepsp;m
Team Package vs Shane Douglas/Buff Bagwell WCW Tag Team Championships
Russo joins for commentary. This show is so bad. It's like WM4, but with the WCW 2000 roster. Nothing worth talking about. Buff and Shane are the new champions.
Fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk this show.
Scott Steiner vs Sting WCW US Championship
Another short nothing match. Steiner had 3 matches and probably had less than 10 minutes of ring time. Vampiro popped out from under the ring and tried to kill Sting or something. Steiner wins. New champion.
Jeff Jarrett vs DDP WCW Championship
A bunch of bullshit, run ins, ref bumps, and more bullshit. Jeff is the new champion.
Fuck this show. At least the worst is over. You can't hurt me anymore, Vince Russo. This is so terrible. It reminds me of the brutal Deadly Games tournament, except this time....there are three different tournaments happening on the show.