WWF Saturday Night's Main Event 10/5/85
TO THE MEAN GENE. Dang, opening the show with a Nikolai Volkoff promo. Wtf, Nikolai implies that after he wins the title, he's going to go back to Russia and PERSONALLY PRESS THE DOOMSDAY BUTTON TO BLOW UP AND KILL EVERY AMERICAN. The heck, buddy? It's just wrestling. Hogan responded by saying only the red, white, and blue would fly in America.
TO THE RECEPTION HALL. Gene was making sure all the plans were in order for Uncle Elmer's wedding. Roddy Piper comes in talking shit.
Jesse Ventura is VERY against having the wedding on a wrestling show.
Nikolai Volkoff vs Hulk Hogan WWF Championship
Nikolai attacks before the bell, not even allowing Hulk to rip his shirt off. Of course, this is fucking terrible and Hulk wins with the leg drop. Title retained. USA USA USA! After the match, Hogan HEADBUTTED the USSR flag. Lmao. He spoke with Gene after the match, calls Nikolai "Baby Doll", and gets hyped up for that wedding.
TO THE BACK. A sneak peak at the wedding dress.
TO THE MEAN GENE. Gene is with the hillbillies, asking them about the wedding and their upcoming match.
Uncle Elmer vs Jerry Valiant
Get this shit out of my fucking face. Elmer wins with a single body slam in less than 10 seconds. Christ, ANOTHER promo with these fucks with Gene after the match.
TO THE BODY SHOP. Jesse Ventura has Bobby Heenan on as his guest. They talk about Paul Orndorff. Some asshole has an airhorn going off every 15 seconds right by a god damn camera. Jesus Christ. Anyway, Brain has put out a $50K bounty on Paul Orndorff.
TO THE MEAN GENE. Paul Orndorff responds. He ain't scared of Roddy Piper. Piper threatens Brain if he doesn't pay up. Piper is also very against the wedding tonight.
Paul Orndorff vs Roddy Piper
This isn't a match, it's a FIGHT! They just brawl for a few minutes with all ove two wrestling holds being used: A back drop from Orndorff, and weirdly a DDT from Piper. They fight under the announcer's position and all the way...
TO THE BACK. They continue to fight until Piper manages to get into a locker room and lock the door.
TO THE WEDDING. Gene is playing the organ for the event. Jesse shits on this the entire time. "You know, the guy can't read, now he can't even hear." Omg, a fan pelted the bride with something right in the head. Uncle Elmer has to stop the the minister because he can't hear him. Jesse can't stop laughing. SPEAK NOW OR FOREVER HOLD YOUR PEACE...so Roddy Piper comes out to shit all over the wedding, and the hillbillies.
TO THE RECEPTION. It appears to be held in a barn. Complete with bails of hay, roaming pigs, chickens, and more.
TO THE MEAN GENE. Gene speaks with Bundy, Studd, and Brain. They're gonna put Andre out of wrestling!
Andre The Giant/Tony Atlas vs King Kong Bundy/Big John Studd
This is horrific. The whole show. The heels get disqualified for excessive double teaming. Hulk Hogan made a save.
TO THE JUNGLE GENE. Mean Gene is at the Detroit Zoological Park, looking for George Steele, who appeared to be taking a shit in some bushes. They go around looking at animals, with George calling them various wrestler names.
Dream Team vs Lanny Poffo/Tony Garea WWF Tag Team Championships
Fuck this show. The champs make Tony submit to a figure four in three and a half minutes. Titles retained.
TO THE RECEPTION. Man. FUCK THIS SHOW. Jesse, Vince, Orndorff, and Hogan are sitting at a table together, talking about the wedding. Jesse keeps muttering shit under his breath and is writing a poem. Lanny Poffo also had a poem. His was a lot nicer. OH SHIT IT'S TINY TIM. Jesse's poem reads as follows: There's always a place in life for love, a place for the lily, a place for the dove. There's always a time in life to care, a time to cuddle, a time to share. Yes, a time and place for everything. A place to dance and a time to sing. Now, I've seen your dance, and I've heard your song, and I must tell you that THIS IS WRONG. That wrestling is a deadly dance and is no partner to romance. And shame on those whoever did mix wrestling and romance JUST FOR THESE HICKS. HA HA HA. Hillbilly Jim trips Jesse into the wedding cake.
What a fucking nightmare.