WCW Beach Blast 1993

 


TO THE BEACH. Eric Bischoff and Missy Hyatt open the show from the beach set and run down the show, which is pretty pointless considering the opening video did the same thing. They throw it to Tony and Jesse.

TO THE SCHIAVONE. Jesse is nowhere to be found. As it turns out, he's at the tiki bar with some ladies. Jesse implies he's going to have a five-some later tonight. I wonder why Jesse thought shaving his head except for a patch on the back of his head, and then letting that grow out to his shoulders was a great idea. It's like a skullet rat tail. People voted for him to be mayor with that hair cut.

Ron Simmons vs Paul Orndorff WCW Television Championship

If Wonderful gets disqualified in this match, he will lose the title. Paul gets HEATED over "Paula" chants/signs. Faarooq gets off an offensive flurry and Wonderful bails. Stalling set to level 8. "Mr. #1derful". Not Wonderful. Excuse me. Wonderful has quite a bit of offense with his baby arm, which is kind of weird. Going up top for a flying knee drop was a bad call. This is pretty boring. Simmons is only enjoyable when he's merc'ing fools or cutting super angry promos. This has him trying to do mat work and Orndorff controlling the pace. Ron got himself disqualified for backdroping Wonderful over the top rope. Title retained. Entirely skipable. 6 months ago, Simmons was the WCW Champion. Now he's losing in the opening match of a PPV for the lowest ranked title. 

2 Cold Scorpio/Marcus Alexander Bagwell vs Tex Slazenger/Shanghi Pierce

Scorp and Buff have their own secret handshake AND dance. Both are 90s as fuck. The Godwinns have dog shit. I will NEVER figure out how they got hired by Vince. I mean, these shits got hired before Scorpio. Can you believe that shit? Scorp gets hit with a huge back body drop from Mideon. The Godwinns end up focusing on Buff's arm. He plays FIP for a while. Henry hit a DOPE Doctor Bomb on Buff. Likely the best thing he's ever done in his career. Buff finally makes the hot tag. He FUNKS UP and gets the win with the 450. 

TO THE MISSY. Missy is with Mr. Wonderful and his new pal, The Equalizer. He calls himself the John Wayne of wrestling and claims to be a very fair and rule abiding wrestler. 

Lord Steven Regal vs Erik Watts 

Erik's name plate is for Regal. WCW made it 41 minutes in without a production error, so that's pretty good for them. Poor Regal. Dude shouldn't be put in the ring with shits like Erik Watts. Although I guess there probably aren't many better people to teach him how to get better. But maybe not do that on PPV. Jesse BERRIES Oklahoma repeatedly, likely just to piss JR off. Jesse also shits on the fans for not appreciating Regal's excellent wrestling skills. Tony agrees. Regal drags Watts through a VERY basic match and wins after interference from Sir William.  

TO THE BODY. Jesse speaks with the good Lord. "I didn't even break a sweat beating him." Regal is dripping with sweat. He's coming back for the TV Championship.

Maxx Payne vs Johnny B. Badd

This is a GRUDGE MATCH based on Maxx shooting Johnny's Badd Blaster in Johnny's own face. It was very phallic and symbolic. Johnny wears a pretty odd looking mask. He tries something in the corner, overshoots, and goes flying over the ropes/post. This injured the arm and Maxx focused right on it. How convienent. Maxx dominates until he punches the ring post like a dip shit. Johnny then wins with a shity second rope crossbody. 

Arn Anderson/Paul Roma vs Hollywood Blonds WCW Tag Team Championships

This version of the Horsemen theme is weird. Actually, so is the team. Pretty Paul just doesn't fit at all. The Blonds are Stallone's favorite team, you know. Roma and Austin begin. Pillman is dead, Pee Wee is dead, Roma might as well be dead, Ventura is hiding in a bunker in Mexico, Arn is getting drunk at Raw every week, and Austin is doing podcasts and reality shows. Quite a bit of traditional Southern stalling techniques from the Blonds. Fitting, since this show is from Biloxi. The Horsemen are faces, but they're still the Horsemen and are not above cheating at will. Arn knocks the shit out of Austin. Ain't playing that shit. Arn doesn't fall for any of the cheating techniques. He's literally done all of them for 10 years at this point. Arn out cheated Ric Flair. I don't think Austin had a chance. Roma somehow manages to pin himself doing a backslide. I've never seen someone fuck up a backslide like that. Truly a one of a kind talent. Roma missed a giant patch of hair on his lower back, which leads me to believe he probably has a terribly hairy ass. Roma is an awful, awful face. He was fine in Power and Glory and Pretty Wonderful, but as a face Horseman, he's trash. Pillman fakes a knee injury. Arn didn't really buy it, but still got suckered into a cheap shot. Is Pillman going to wrestle the rest of the match with one of his ass cheeks hanging out? Apparently so. This is basically Roma's match to lose. Arn should stop tagging out, because the momentum changes every time he does. Austin is such a piece of shit in this. It's wonderful. A big "BRET THE HITMAN HART #1 3 Crown" sign gets put up right in front of the hard cam. Pillman's ass is still hanging out. Hot tag to Arn. Dope DDT to Pillman. Austin was able to break the pin and slow things back down. There is a second, extended FIP segment, this time with Arn. Arn pulls Austin over the top while on the apron. This wasn't a DQ. Jesse is pretty hot about that. He's right. If Simmons got DQ'd for that in the opener, there is no reason why Arn wasn't just then. His was even more blatant and intentional, too. Arn finally makes the hot tag. Paul is PRETTYING UP! Spinebuster on Austin. Pillman breaks the pin. Roma gets blasted while making a pin and Austin rolls him up. Titles retained. This went on too long. They probably could have cut 8 minutes and this would have been a very, very solid match. 

TO THE BEACH. Eric and Missy talk about the iron man match. Missy makes a joke about a threesome going on for 30 minutes is her dream.

Rick Rude vs Dustin Rhodes WCW US Championship Iron Man Match

Last year at this event, Rude had one of the greatest matches I've ever seen in another iron man match, that time with Ricky Steamboat. He has his work cut out getting to that level again. Jesse BERRIES Dustin's music. I'm inclined to agree with him. That cow roping shit is for the birds. The first 40 seconds are just shit talking. After some aggressive lock ups, there is more shit talking. "There ain't no Biloxi Blues when those hips rotate, Tony!" Dustin gets the first real advantage of the night with a back body drop. Rude tweaks his back and Dustin goes to work on it. Do you think dudes ever tried to stiff the shit out of Rude because they were jealous of his body and staggering masculinity? Dustin does the hip swivel, much to Tony's delight. "Ooh, that makes me wanna throw up! Looks like a big, fat Texas steer in heat." Five minutes in and Rhodes is in solid control. Rude comes back with a lariato that sends Dustin spinning. Rude might have thrown his back out doing the swivel. Rude focuses on the neck, Dustin on the back. 10 minutes in and there has yet to be a decision. Dustin switches up and goes after the leg. Rude Awakening! Rude pulls ahead 1 to 0. We are at the halfway point. Dustin took a hard bump on the ramp. Thudded like a motherfucker. Rude continues to control the pace after picking up the first fall. Dustin has really had no comeback since then. Tombstone reversal spot. Rude kicks out of it. Undertaker BERRIED. "YOU AIN'T SHIT RHODES!" "Well, the pitfalls of live TV." "Heh." 8 minutes left. Dustin looks like he has no chance at this point. Dustin's hand hits the mat 3 times during a sleeper. Nick Patrick doesn't count it. Jesse gets HOT. HOT. Snot rocket! Bulldog OUTTA NOWHERE! Dustin ties it at 1-1 with 3 minutes to go. 30 seconds left. Time expires as Dustin was attempting a pin after a DDT. This match is a draw. Title retained. Good, but definitely not even close to the masterclass that Rude put on in 1992 with Steamboat.

Barry Windham vs Ric Flair NWA Championship

Flair is heated right from the start and chops the shit out of Barry. Barry lariatos him in the mouth. This seems a bit more...fighty than a normal Flair match. Barry hit a super stiff slam on the floor. God damn. Flair hits a top rope move! Flair puts on the figure four.  Barry forgets to raise his shoulder and gets counted down. Flair wins! Lol. New champion. Everyone was like...wait...shit. Very underwhelming. 


TO THE BODY. He talks to Flair about being 10 time champion. He's baaaaack. Or some shit. Fix your teeth, Ric. Lol, Ric says there is only one world champion in the world today. WCW alone has more than one world champion, Ric.

TO THE BEACH. Bischoff and Missy talk about the main event.

Sid Vicious/Big Van Vader vs Sting/Davey Boy Smith 

Sting and Sid start the match. Sting fucks him up. And then Sid hits a huge chokeslam. In theory, Sid/Vader is the most amazing team. The hype of those two just fist bumping and telling at fans. Sounds amazing. In practice, I don't know. They'd be the most wonderful team for squashes at least. Tags are made and Vader just bodies Bulldog. Bulldog is able to hit the stalling suplex on him and Vader just smashes him right after. Bulldog appears to settle into the FIP role. Sid is SO jacked. It's scary. Harley gets involved and gets smashed by Vader on accident. Hot tag to Sting. LOL at Sid doing Terry Funk's teeter totter in the ropes spot. Sting's momentum came to a halt when he got LEVELED with a lariato from Vader. Stiff as fuck. Sting gets stuck as FIP. Sting gets the hot tag, and then Vader hits the Vadersault on Bulldog. Sting breaks the pin by jumping over the ropes from the ramp. Bulldog wins with a crucifix OUTTA NOWHERE! Vader throws a fit after the match. 

 

Solid, but unspectacular wrestling show. Nothing was bad, but nothing really stands out besides the performances of Rude and Austin. Everything was flat and uninspired. Just...a solid wrasslin show. Probably would have been fun to see it live.