WCW WrestleWar 1990

Oh my god, this show starts out with a terrrrrible rap. It's outstanding. Guaranteed a middle aged white guy wrote it.

JR and Terry Funk handle broadcasting duties tonight. They run down the card and announce that Dan Spivey has been injured and will not be able to compete tonight.

TO THE SOLIE. Gordon talks with Teddy Long, who says a new wrestler will be filling in for Spivey tonight in the street fight against the LOD.

Kevin Sullivan/Buzz Sawyer vs Dynamic Dudes

What a shitty way to start a show off. Shane is the only guy I like in this match, but not at this stage in his career. Ace and Buzz start out. Johnny Ace is just so...bland. He's like a Clipart wrestler. Sullivan has a long green ribbon with a black bow at the end tied into his pony tail for some reason. It's down almost to his ass. I don't get it. Buzz and Sullivan slap each other over a disagreement. Buzz wins with a Superfly splash in an uneventful and boring match with a lot of arm work.

TO THE MISSY. Missy speaks with Norman The Lunatic. Norman smooth talks his way into a hug and a kiss.

Cactus Jack Manson vs Norman The Lunatic

Cactus has such a strange body type. He's like a walking lumpy pancake that someone took a few bites out of.  Now that I think about it, Cactus is more like a crepe that had all the filling squeezed out. Cactus takes the HHH bump out of the ring in the corner and looks like he should have destroyed his knee on the landing. Being that this is Foley, he was up seconds later. He then gets back dropped into the crowd, splatting all over the concrete. He came back by posting Norman and doing a dropkick off the apron the the camera totally missed. Headbutts don't hurt lunatics, Cactus. Norman gets out of a camel clutch with an electric chair, then misses a hilariously bad splash. This isn't good. Norman teabags Cactus to win the match.

TO THE SOLIE. Gordon talks with Jim Cornette and the Midnight Express. The Midnights vs Rock N Rolls feud has been renewed. Some things never change.

Rock N Roll Express vs Midnight Express

JR implies that he thought Corny was gay and Funk goes on for a good minute about how much he hates Cornette. Stan and Robert start the match. Robert repeatedly outsmarts Stan. Stan shoves Nick Patrick around and gets knocked on his ass. So does Cornette. Corny takes his jacket off and gets in the ring for a fight with Nick. So much stooging. Ricky tags in and also outsmarts Stan. Stop being a dummy, Stan! Stan is so pissed about getting bumped into Bobby that he shoves Bobby down. A house divided, brehs. Ricky literally kicks Stan's ass out of the ring. More stooging from Corny and he's again knocked on his ass. RNRs most definitely have the Midnights' number on this night. Time for Ricky to be FIP. Dude always looks like he's crying in pain while selling. Shout out to the OG smarks in the front row holding up numbers for moves and a "WE'VE HERD ENOUGH" sign, referencing then WCW executive VP Jim Herd. Herd was hated by pretty much everyone because he had no idea how wrestling worked. Among his ideas were a tag team that had hump backs and therefore couldn't be pinned, the Ding Dongs, Big Josh, and Norman the Lunatic. He was directly responsible for LOD, Cornette, Stan Lane, and Ric Flair among others to leave WCW. He was the guy who wanted Flair to cut his hair, get earrings, and go by Spartacus. Anyway, Ricky is still getting wrecked. Hot tag to Robert. Corny ends that shit with a racket shot. Robert counters a double Flapjack Norton into a roll up for the win. This felt like a long house show match with all the stooging around.

TO THE SOLIE. Gordon talks with LOD and Paul Ellering. All the faces have Sting bands in support after his injury. Hawk says they went back to Chicago, slept in alleys, and ended up putting 16 guys in the hospital getting hyped for this match.

The Skyscrapers vs Road Warriors Chicago Street Fight

A masked Skyscraper is filling in for Dan Spivey. Mean Mark had already replaced Sid in the team. Doom came out during the match. A short brawl with nothing of note. LOD win with the Doomsday Device. Teddy Long got press slammed out of the ring. Doom caught him and then got in the ring to brawl with LOD.

Fabulous Freebirds vs Tom Zenk/Brian Pillman NWA US Tag Team Championships

FUCK. Michael Hayes is the kind of guy who scratches his balls at the dinner table. The kind of guy who would glue your toilet lid shut. The kind of guy who would fart in your face. The kind of guy who would get your grandma addicted to coke. The kind of guy who kicks puppies and laughs. The kind of guy who says sand nigger. The kind of guy who goes out of his way to be a dick to waitresses. The kind of guy who would add interest to your student loan without telling you. The kind of guy who borrows your phone and runs up a $3000 bill in 2 hours. The kind of guy who spits his phlegm in your flower vase. The kind of guy who makes Konnan look not so sucky. The kind of guy who gets shit on your smartphone screen. The kind of guy who honks at bike riders following the rules of the road. The kind of guy who drinks and drives and brags about it. The kind of guy who hangs out at roller skate arenas in his 50s. The kind of guy who is an all around cunt that I fucking hate. Brian pins Garvin with a flying cross body. Titles retained.

Minnesota Wrecking Crew vs Steiner Brothers NWA World Tag Team Championships

I'm hoping this saves the show, because so far it hasn't been good at all. Arn and Scott start the match. Arn quickly knocks Rick off the apron, then bails out, stupidly in the same area as Rick. Double goozle from Scott. The Andersons powder. Scott blocks a knee drop with POWER and scores with an atomic drop that sends Arn into Rick's boot. Ole is no match for the younger, stronger, faster Steiners. God damn, Arn is sweating worse than IRS already. Powerslam from Rick. Arn goes up top. Rick gets up before he can do anything, so he climbs down and walks to the ramp. He's not a dumb dumb like Flair to stand there and wait to get slammed. Ole goes after Scott's arm. He makes the mistake of tagging into Arn, who immediately gets thrown around. Scott deadlift t-bones Ole. Ole was definitely well past his prime by 1990. Rick's steroid induced bacne is really gross. Back to arm work on Scott. Frankensteiner OUTTA NOWHERE! Hot tag to Rick. Steinerlines everywhere. Rick pins Ole with a small package. Titles retained. Meh. It was okay. The Andersons try to break Scott's arm after the match.

TO THE SOLIE. Gordon talks with Lex Luger, who was chosen to replace Sting in the title match against Flair. I guess Lex is a face again, and the Horsemen are heels again.

JR and Terry talk more about the title match. Funk makes a point to say it isn't a HAPPENING (fuck you, Gorilla is what he meant), it is an athletic event.

TO THE SOLIE. Gordon talks with Ric and Woman. He's been the king for 10 years and fears no man.

Lex Luger vs Ric Flair NWA Championship

Sting is introduced before the match as a special spectator. He comes out on crutches as he tore up his knee during a Horsemen beat down. He has the shortest shorts imaginable. This was originally his title match, but the the injury took him out and Lex was eventually chosen as a replacement. Lex was originally scheduled to defend the US Championship against Dr. Death on this show. So now we get to revisit this feud that took up most of the year in 1988. Lex overwhelms the champ with his power. Flair bails out and walks out on this shit. Lex picks him up and puts him back in the ring. Press slam. Another press slam. And another. Bear hug. Flair breaks it with an eye rake. Lex misses a shoulder block in the corner, and the arm work is the main focus of the rest of the match. Nick Patrick has been way too involved in matches tonight. Lex applies the sleeper, despite having his arm worked over for like 15 minutes. Seems like he should have some trouble with keeping the hold applied. Flair bails and gets suplexed back in. Lex then wraps Ric's leg around the ring post as revenge for Sting. Lex does THE SINGLE WORST FIGURE FOUR EVER. Jesus Christ, Lex. Lmaooooooooooo. Lex gets Flair in the torture rack. The Andersons come out and attack Sting. Lex drops the hold to save Sting and gets counted out. Flair wins via count out. Title retained.

Didn't enjoy this show at all. Nick Patrick was basically a competitor in all of the matches he reffed tonight. Ole is way past his prime to be wrestling guys like the Steiners. RNR vs Midnights was billed as the final match between the two teams and ended up being a house show styled match with tons of comedy. Just not a good show. For some reason, every major match had the same "heel works the arm all match" story.