WCW Road Wild 8/15/99

If I can just get through this PPV and month, I think I'll be okay.

The Deadpool vs Rey Mysterio Jr./Eddie Guerrero/Kidman


ICP wrestling at a biker rally.  Who booked this shit?  Why would you book celebrities on a show that is free to attend?  ICP getting a PPV pay day over actual WCW wrestlers is just...WCW.  Faces get off to an early start.  The clowns beat up Eddie on the outside.  That shouldn't be happening.  Fat Clown shouldn't be beating Eddie in the ring.  Skinny Clown shouldn't be beating Eddie in the ring.  Fuck, if they're going to beat up Lash or Prince, whatever.  But a guy like Eddie Guerrero?  I don't care if they are trained wrestlers and love wrestling.  That's ridiculous.  And now they're beating up Rey.  The same Rey Mysterio who beat guys like Kevin Nash and Bam Bam Big Yellow earlier in the year.  Now he can't fight off two rappers who dress like clowns.  Vamp hit a huge tossing powerbomb to Rey.  But ICP have been in the ring for most of the match. Kidman pinned Skinny clown with the SSP.  I can't believe they really had ICP in the ring the majority of the match and had them dominating Rey and Eddie.  Kidman wasn't involved at all until the finish. 

Harlem Heat vs Bam Bam Bigelow/Kanyon WCW Tag Team Championships


Bam Bam is so fat that the title just falls off his waist when he moves.   I like that Harlem Heat doesn't even bother to try to have matching colors any more.  Book is in black and white.  Stevie is in red and black with yellow flames.  Did WCW not remember the last time they had Harlem Heat at Road Wild?  Harlem Heat get the jump on the champs, ending with Stevie slamming Bam Bam.  Book gives Kanyon a beat down.  Bam Bam has a cut under his eye.  Maybe that was a message to stop being so fat your title belts can't even fit around you.  Triad work like 80s stooge heels, which should be charming, but it isn't.  DDP ran out to interfere, but Bam Bam got bumped into him.  Booker hit the missile dropkick on Bam Bam.  New champions. 

West Texas Rednecks vs The Revolution

It was so nice of Shane Douglas to not even bother getting in shape before jumping to WCW.  At least Barry wears a shirt.  Shane just looks like a bloated asshole.  I don't even know why WCW picked him up.  He couldn't work anymore, he was super injury prone, he couldn't do his promos (the only thing he could really still do) because he couldn't say fuck on TNT, and he didn't have much star power.  Shane can't even run the ropes right.  Remember that match with Raven in TNA where he was so blown up that he threw up in the ring?  I wish something like that had happened in this match, because at least something interesting would have happened.  Saturn pinned Duncum with the DVD.

The Cat vs Buff Bagwell


Cat is wearing Confederate flag riding gloves, which is weird, since he's a black dude around a bunch of white rednecks.  Maybe it was for cheap face heat.  Sonny is dressed like Ken Jeong.  This feud has been awful.  It was never going to be good in the ring, but Buff doing black face and no one finding it offense besides Cat is pretty awful.  I guess he thought, "Well it was funny when DX did it, so it is totally cool for a Georgia guy to do black face and dance around because it is a parody and these Southern crowds will totally see the satire".  But the biggest problem was that this whole thing really started because Cat called Buff a mama's boy, which he undoubtedly is.  That's also the main basis for Harlem Heat/Triad.  Cat was bumped into Sonny and Buff won with a roll up.  They beat Buff up after the match.

Chris Benoit vs DDP WCW US Championship No Disqualification


DDP makes a "Benoit's mom works for a sex line" joke.  Benoit starts the match with a low blow.  All these fucking mama's boys in WCW.  WCW: Where The Big Mama's Boys Play.  They quickly go to the ground level.  Back in the ring, DDP hits a belly to belly.  DDP did a pretty mean fireman carry Flapjack Norton and gutwrench gutbuster.  Benoit is trapped in a tree of Keanu.  DDP slaps Charles Robinson and takes his belt to whip Benoit.  Nice visual of DDP hanging Benoit with a belt.  Reminds me of something.  Rolling Reich.  Kanyon ran in.  The Revolution were watching an apparently delayed monitor since they didn't seem to care or want to run out there.  Bam Bam also interferes.  They both fucked around and Benoit pinned DDP after a flying headbutt.  Whatever.

They gave away a bike.  Who would want a bike with the shittiest WCW logo on it?

Sid vs Sting

Sid got actual fire works for some reason. Sid spent the last few weeks building to a match with Goldberg, not Sting.  They brawl and do their normal spots, with Sid getting thrown into the crowd a few times.  I'm pretty surprised Sting has been around for a 3 month stretch.  Sid gets in control after Sting misses a Stinger Splash.  He stays in control for the next few minutes, even though he wasn't really doing anything.  Sid goes up top for no reason and is slammed.  Sting then trips over Sid, which Tenay calls a great move from Sid.  Sting tripped.  It wasn't a move.  Sid goes up top again and is this time caught in a superplex.  Sting tries too many Stinger Splashes and Sid chokeslams him for the win.  Fans were not happy with the result.  This is the same match they've been having since 1990.  Sid is now "undefeated" despite being on the losing team Monday and having lost most of his matches in the last 2 months. 

Goldberg vs Rick Steiner


People bitch about how Goldberg was booked in WWE, but he was used much better there than WCW managed to do after he lost the title.  My favorite thing about this match is that Rick Steiner magically stops being the TV Champion when he's around Goldberg.  He stops being announced as champ, stops wearing the belt, and the announcers don't mention it.  Goldberg loudly proclaimed that Rick had nothing to offer but his ass on Nitro.  Goldberg doesn't even consider the TV Championship to be a real thing.  That seems worse to me than the TV champ doing a clean job to someone.  Rick takes Goldberg's knee brace off and uses it as a weapon for a while.  I don't think this the crowd for this kind of match.  Goldberg gets dominated for a few minutes, pops up with the spear and jackhammer for the win with no problems.  He should have just done that from the start.  Crowd had no interest in seeing him sell for 5 minutes. 

Dennis Rodman vs Randy Savage


Rodman wants to know where his bitch is.  Savage says Rodman is his bitch and the crowd is going to fight for sloppy seconds.  Rodman attacks Savage and they got to the ground right away.  He not only out fights Savage, but out wrestles Savage.  He also beat up the ref.  At least Rodman is an actual athlete and not a rapping clown.  Savage takes out the new editor of WCW.com, who happens to be at ringside, so he can use the man's camera as a weapon.  Savage hits Mickie Jay.  Scott Dickinson immediately comes in and is drilled as soon as he put his head between the ropes.  We're up to 4 referees.  No one ever said this was no DQ.  They fight up the ramp and backstage.  Rodman is put in a porta-potty, which is then shoved over onto some conveniently placed cardboard boxes.  Still, you can see the shit leaking out of the thing, which really captures this PPV in one image.  Rodman comes back to the ring with his shit covered shoes.  I'm sure Hogan, Nash, and refs loved that.  It goes back to the ring and there is another ref bump.  George comes out and gives Randy a chain.  She also hit Rodman in his worm.  Savage pins Rodman after a punch with a chain.  4 ref bumps, actual shit, a celebrity performer, and a cheating finish.  This is WCW.

Kevin Nash vs Hulk Hogan WCW Championship Career vs Career Match

I wander why Hulk would always run his hands through his hair.  He was bald.  There was nothing to smooth down.  Nash has a "2 inch" height advantage on Hulk.  So Hulk is 6'10 now?  He wasn't even billed that tall in the 80s.  Unless Tony actually meant length.  Of dicks.  I'm talking about dick size.  I'd rather see them have an actual dick measuring contest than see this match.  Not interested in seeing Nash work at 50% speed (and think about that) so they can do an 80s Hogan formula match in front of a bunch of drunk bikers.  Nash made the mistake of doing his finish on Hogan.  You'd think he would know better as the booker.  It's the finish of every Hogan match: Hogan kicks out of a finisher, no sells it, hits the boot and leg drop and doesn't sell the match he just had.  Kevin Nash must retire.  Championship retained. This is Hogan's greatest title reign.  What?  He's been champ for a month and only defended it once or twice.

DQ Count: 0 out of 9 matches

Literal shit show.  I don't know why WCW insisted on doing these shows that cost them money every year (Actually, I do know why, and it was because Eric Bischoff liked motorcycles).  I don't know why they insisted on having celebrity wrestlers at them with a non-paying audience to not offset costs. I don't know why they insisted on having celebrity wrestlers out wrestle the real wrestlers. I don't know why they kept booking black guys for the show when the show is full of legit angry drunk rednecks who do not want to see these black guys.  I don't know why Hulk Hogan is back in the red and yellow doing a nostalgia run when it was just 3 years ago that fans were booing him for doing the same thing because they were sick of it.  I don't know why Nash having to retire wasn't even mentioned at the end of the match.  I don't know why they had all the women matches on TV to build to Madusa vs Mona and then dropped it a week before the show.  I just don't know.

This is the last Road Wild show.  It's the last PPV of the worst 3-4 month period in WCW history.  The Summer of 1999 is worse than anything in 1998, 2000, and 2001.  Nothing but garbage, terrible booking, terrible angles, terrible matches.  Guess what?  There was no body guard for Gorgeous George.  The body guard was also the driver of the Hummer, so I guess that means there was no driver to begin with.  Maybe there was no Hummer.  My noodle is baked.