TO THE BACK. The Millionare's Club exits their giant tour bus. BUT WHO WAS BUS?!?! Elsewhere, the New Blood are watching in the locker room.
TAFKAPI vs Chris Candido WCW Cruiserweight Championship
Mark Madden believes that cruiserweight action and hot tramps are pro wrestling. Tony calls Skip, "Kanyon" in the opening seconds. I don't know what Sunny is wearing. It's like her underwear is made up of Ace bandages that you can see. We're talking about how great of a bumper Skip is. What. This is the PPV where the old school ramp all the way to the ring returned. It gets some action already. Sunny keeps shrieking. It's terrible. It's like Fonzy with the whistle. I would say this is not interesting at all. Prince nearly won with a botched top rope school boy. A loud "YOU SUCK" chant breaks out. Cat fight. Sunny ends up waffling Prince with a chair. Skip wins. Title retained. WAIT NO PRINCE KICKED OUT! Lol. Music started, Sunny got in the ring. Nvm, restart the match. Skip then wins with a piledriver and diving headbutt. Title retained. Again. What a mess. Cat fight after the match. Sunny gets her dress pulled off, revealing ace bandage colored bloomers.
TO THE BACK. Terry Funk looks for Norman Smiley. He finds him in the bathroom. Same shit, different toilet.
Terry Funk vs Norman Smiley/Mystery Partner WCW Hardcore Championship
Norman SWERVED Funk in the bathroom! Mystery Partner doesn't know how to use a trash can. Norman is dominating old ass Terry Funk. Oh no, Gene's interview set got destroyed! What's he going to do now? Mystery partner's box throwing game is on fleek. All these chair shots are rough. Tony is getting very frustrated over Mystery Partner just standing around and not attacking Funk. Mike Graham's laptop got broken. Fucking looooool at Nick Patrick casually giving Funk a chair. Way to be impartial, Nick. I thought you were over that kind of shit. Mystery Partner's catcher's helmet falls off. MY GOD, IT'S RALPHUS! RALPHUS HAS RETURNED TO THE IMPACT ZONE! This is some ugly and mean spirited shit. Ralphus is obviously a down on his luck, middle aged man who probably isn't very intelligent. The constant attacks on his appearance are just kind of sad. Then Ralphus gets a little too aggressive with his Big Wiggle and Funk blasts the fuck out of him with a chair. And then Terry pins Norman with a roll up. Title retained. This is a great match if you want to see how Terry Funk would handle having a train ran on him.
TO THE BACK. David Arquette arrives in a limo. Mean Gene pops up to basically emasculate him because his wife makes a lot of money. Dave has his own money, Gene. BUT WHO WAS LIMO?!?
Shawn Stasiak vs Curt Hennig
Perfect sure takes his time making it to the ring. Curt also appears to be wearing two singlets for some reason. Maybe it's a brace of some kind. HOLD THE PHONE. The MIA are sitting at ringside. This match is ass. Meat does have a pretty solid flying clothesline, though. Perfect hurts his back on the stage. The ring sounds weirdly hollow. LOL at the random fan plugging DDP's book during a sleeper spot. Amazing. The second flying clothesline misses. Perfect hits some nasty chops. It's pretty surprising how into this the crowd is considering it is with broken down Perfect and Meat. Mean wins clean with the Perfect Plex.
TO THE BACK. Scott Steiner does NOT want Russo to touch him again. Russo says the NB is 2-0. Wait. The first match was between two NB members and Terry Funk won his match, and Stasiak won his match. So it's really like...1 win over the MC.
Hugh Morrus vs Scott Steiner WCW US Championship
Hugh cuts a promo revoking his slave name and wants to be known by his real name: Hugh G. Rection. Tony and Mark basically say Steiner has worked himself into a shoot and can no longer separate what's real and what isn't. Scott Steiner is a truly terrifying specimen. The ladies distract Hugh. Well, I guess that makes sense considering his real name is Huge Erection. They get involved again when Hugh is going for the moonsault. This ref is the most ginger ginger ref I've ever seen in my life. Almost comical. Scott just starts throwing suplexes and chasing the ref around. One of them sounded like it broke the ring. Boner gets back into it after Scott ran into his boots only to get clotheslined in the face. Kind of a tiger bomb. I mean, Hugh is fat. Owen Driver! Oh no. That looked rough. What looked even worse was when Scott rolled the wrong way to avoid the moonsault and Hugh's feet/knees just CRUSHED his head. "Whatever, I was looking at their hooters, quite frankly." Scott wins with the Steiner Recliner. Title retained. He won't release it, so the MIA jump the rail and are immediately swarmed by R&B Security. However, they missed Booker T. What is this music? Smooth R&B kind of stuff. Baby making music.
TO THE MEAN GENE. Kanyon! Kanyon backed DDP because DDP is like a brother to him and that's more important than money.
Mike Awesome vs Chris Kanyon
Well, this is awkward. I don't know how many matches there are where both guys ended up committing suicide. A fight or something breaks out in the crowd. This quickly heads to the floor. What is that against the ring post? A smoke tube? A rope of bullets? Is there going to be a lot of smoke tonight? Is Warrior coming back?! Man, imagine the shooty nonsense between Warrior and Russo. That'd be incredible. I guess DQs aren't really a thing anymore, since Awesome is using a chair liberally right in front of the ginger ref. WATER BOTTLE TO THE HEAD! 2xtreme4me. Madden confuses himself arguing over Mike Awesome being the best powerbomber. First he says Mike is the best. Then they bring up Nash and he says he was thinking it might be Nash. Then, after the conversation had moved on, he repeated the lines about Awesome being the best again. It was awkward. Madden is truly terrible. He also might be the most obvious, "SAY THIS LINE" type of guy I've ever heard. Basically, Awesome mostly dominates and is reckless as fuck. Good Christ, what a disgusting powerbomb. Just awful. Awesome twice attempts an Awesome Bomb to the floor. Suddenly, KEVIN NASH! The ref seems not to care about a DQ until a group of New Blooders hit the ring as well. They all beat down Nash until Flair and Sting run out. Then security shows up. The Millionaires Club stands tall! Lol, Kanyon is just a little out of place with Nash, Sting, and Flair. But they went out to his music, with hand shakes and hugs for all. That powerbomb was brutal, though.
TO THE BACK. Russo gives Liz a lot of shit over her dress that looks like a tablecloth. He's not wrong.
Buff Bagwell vs The Total Package
LOL at Madden clearly getting fed a line about how personal rivalries being built up are more important than the titles anyway. He could not be more obvious when repeating fed lines. I wonder how much food these guys had to eat to keep that mass. Seems like you'd have to be eating all day. Which sounds incredible if you didn't also have to work out all day. This crowd is pretty hot. Just excited to be there. I wonder what Lex's favorite meal was. He strikes me as a plain grilled chicken kind of guy.
TO THE BACK. Liz knocks Russo out of his chair and whacks him with a bat. Lol. *Thud* "BITCH".
Liz heads out to the ring. She tries to hit Buff with the bat. Buff takes it and uses it on Lex. No DQ for that. Then she hits Buff while he's on the ropes for the Blockbuster. Torture Rack for the win. Chuck Palumbo attacks Lex after the match. "It's like he's trying to be a copy of the Total Package!" Very perceptive, Mark. Buff re-kidnaps Liz.
TO THE MEAN GENE. Shane Douglas renames himself officially as The Franchise and shits on Ric Flair.
Ric Flair vs Shane Douglas
Flair wrestles in his casual Friday gear, which is a black t-shirt and black slacks. Lol, Flair calls Shane a dipshit on the mic and then says he's going to kick Shane's ECW ass, PAL. Tony talks about arguing with a fan online recently. Do you think it was a fuccboi in Philly? They have a pretty quick brawl that didn't have nearly as much hatred as you'd expect. Shane almost won with the figure four. The hate picked up. Lots of dick based offense. Things picked up again when it headed to the floor and they started laying it in. Shane hit a super stiff suplex back in the ring. Shane uses his chain right in front of the ref, who doesn't care, but still tries to hide it anyway. Three Amigos! Russo, dressed as Sting, hits Flair with a bat. Shane wins. This was actually pretty enjoyable considering Flair was in street clothes and Shane's body barely worked. Wait. Russo comes out. Statue Of Liberty to the head! MY GOD, THAT'S DAVID FLAIR! SWERVE! Russo gets 5 minutes with Flair. About 30 seconds in, Kevin Nash strolls out. Before he can jackknife Russo, Daffney hits him in the balls.
Sting vs Vampiro
This match starts near the entrance. Sting gets in the ring with a missile dropkick and then hits the floor with a top rope plancha. Sting ain't playing tonight. It's showtime, as they say. Sting dominates until a low blow. I believe every match has had a blatant low blow so far. Vamp brings his pipe into the ring. Again, refs don't care unless like 15 dudes hit the ring. Under 5 run ins and weapons are okay, though. After a lot of pipe offense, things go back to the ramp, then back to the pipe. Come on. At least make something a no DQ match officially or something. Awful superbomb from Sting. Now he's got da pipe. Scorpion Death Drop. Another. Sting wins! "Neither man will allow themselves to be defeated. EVER!" Uh. Vamp just got pinned in the center of the ring, Mark.
TO THE TENAY. Mike speaks with DDP and David Arquette. DDP tells David to stay out of Double J's way. And not to win the match if he gets the chance.
TO THE BACK. Kevin Nash stalks around looking for Russo.
TO THE TENAY. Kidman, Bischoff, and their respective ladies are the guests. Kidman begs Tenay to stop kissing Hogan's ass. Man, Bischoff and Tenay are significantly bigger than kidman.
Billy Kidman vs Hulk Hogan Special Guest Referee: Eric Bischoff
Real Ass Terry Bollea. FUNB. Horace accompanies Hulk. Bischoff sends him to the back. Is, "unanxious" really a word? The first spot of the match is botched. Kidman is literally half the size of Hogan. Two Kidmans together might be as wide and thick as Hogan. I'll give Hogan credit: He's at least trying to take all the rolly and flippy moves. Torrie is used as a human shield. Numerous flea market references. Hulk gets the weight belt out. Bischoff takes it after he used it a few times, then threatened to DQ Hulk if he hit him. So why didn't he just DQ him from the start and give Kidman the win? Hulk gets tired of all this flippy shit and just hip tosses Kidman over the top rope. Fans are ALL OVER Bischoff for not counting pins. Oh shit. Hulk is HULKING UP! Bischoff prevents the leg drop. Hulk decks him. Leg drop! Bischoff also gets hit with a chair. So does Kidman. He's gonna hit Torrie! Oh. Nevermind, he was just getting a table. TWO of them. Hulk gonna do a stacked flaming tables spot. Lol, the first table broke from nothing at all. Kidman hits Hulk with a chair. Bischoff makes a drowsy count. Hulk kicks out, now bloody. Hulk Hogan powerbombs Bischoff through a table! CZFNW! And now another table. Kidman goes back to work with the ball based offense. He misses a Superfly Splash through a table. Horace comes back and forces Bischoff to make the pin. Real Ass Terry Bolea wins.
TO THE BACK. Russo takes Liz to the bus. Lex was in the driver's seat. SWERVE. "Shit. Let's get..shit!" Kevin Nash was watching as Russo stole someone's car and bailed.
TO THE MEAN SLAPASS. "..150 pound turd, David Arquette".
Jeff Jarrett vs DDP vs David Arquette WCW Championship Ready To Rumble Cage Match
"GO BACK TO VEGAS, BUFFER!" The cage's entrance is about as long as a standard Undertaker intro. Arquette's dubbed theme is so bad. Even weirder is that the "We're Not Gonna Take It" cover he actually used was used in the video package right before this. Jeff keeps going after David. That's kind of dumb. David has been forbidden to win the match. DDP is the one Jeff needs to take out . Just a lot of generic and mindless brawling on level one, with Arquette getting wiped out for not staying out of the way. JJ gets busted open. The match finally heads to cage two, which is dubbed "hardcore hell". It's a bunch of trash cans, chairs, a table, and a kitchen sink. One of the walls gives way. They're gonna die! I guess it is a good thing the floor/roof goes out like 5 feet past the wall anyway. Even as a spectacle, this isn't good. Probably the worst match of the night, which is crazy considering some of the guys in other matches. Dave heads up to the top cage. Suddenly, Mike Awesome is on the cage, fighting with DDP. Kanyon Cutter on the roof! Kind of. More like a neck breaker. Do people really think guitars are supposed to explode like that? Do people even realize how hard it is to CRACK a guitar? Wait. My god. David Arquette just blasted DDP with a guitar! SWERVE! Jeff Jarrett grabs the title. New champion! "It's the ULTIMATE SWERVE, 42 feet in the air!" Mike Awesome attempts to murder DDP. Instead, Kanyon makes the save. Awesome then throws Kanyon off the cage and onto the ramp. Kanyon is dead! My god. WE CAN'T END LIKE THIS!
What an offensive end to the show. It was about a year ago in the same building that Owen fell to his death, so of course WCW ends their PPV with a guy falling the top of a cage and being motionless in a contorted pose. Russo claiming he had no idea is such horseshit. But anyway, I think the last 2 years of watching bland as fuck WWE and awful indie shit has given me a new appreciation for this. It wasn't bad at all. Fans were hot and excited to be there, nothing was too bad besides the main event, actual production values, a couple of fun matches. How weird. It's probably the overall most decent and well booked PPV of the Russo/Bischoff era.