WWF Royal Rumble 1994

This intro music is pretty fucking dope. I've never heard it before or after for a WWE PPV. Vince gives us a run down of the card, then geta shocking SURPRISE announce partner for the show: Ted DiBiase.

Tatanka vs Bam Bam Bigelow

How did Tatanka already have a muscle gut developing? He was still in his early 30s. That seems a bit early to be developing that. Tatanka takes some big bumps in this, mostly at his own hands. I think the bloom was off Tatanka by this point, and this match is not very interesting. Bam Bam was clearly the better guy in the ring, and he lost to a top rope crossbody after missing a moonsault. It was short enough to not be terribly offensive, at least.

TO THE TODD. Is this the last year they used the blue backdrop set for backstage promos? Anyway, the Harts are talking about what they're going to do as tag champions. They're so happy to be reunited and on the same page.

Bret Hart/Owen Hart vs The Quebecers WWF Tag Team Championships

I always liked Bret's paint stained gear. I don't know what sense it made, but I liked it. Shout out to Johnny Polo. All these Canadians. Lol at Owen having to change all of his spots around because The Mountie sucked. I wonder what a long term Bret/Owen team could have done. The big problem being there weren't really many good teams for them to work with in 1994. I'd love to see Bret and Owen do the sternum bump at the same time. Harts control the opening parts of the match, but the Mounties take control after some cheating. From there, Bret is stuck as the FIP, with Owen inadvertently doing more harm than good trying to help. Owen gets the hot tag and starts clearing house. One of the most underrated belly to bellies of all time, in my opinion. Owen gets his own FIP segment. Raven low-bridges Bret, with Bret injuring his leg on his fall to the floor. The Mounties keep working on the leg on the floor, much to Owen's exasperation. This continues in the ring until Bret collapses trying the Sharpshooter. The official stopped the match, declaring the Quebecers the winners. Titles retained. Owen throws a fit after the match, screaming at Bret that he should have been tagged. After Bret struggles to get up, Owen kicks him in the leg. MY GOD! Officials check on Bret in the ring. Ray Rougeau comes in and tries to get some words, but Pat Patterson won't allow it. Considering Ray's brother just helped cause this injury, it seems insulting that he'd be the one to try to get the interview.

TO THE TODD. Todd caches up with Owen in the back. WHY OWEN, WHY? Bret is too SELFISH. That's why he kicked Bret's leg out of his leg. 

IRS vs Razor Ramon WWF Intercontinental Championship

For some reason, Vince and Ted switch off to JR and Gorilla Monsoon. Razor's aqua gear is on point tonight. Too bad this is no doubt going to be boring as shit. For one, IRS, the world's most sweatiest man, hasn't had an interesting match since he was in the Varsity Club. Second, Razor is a really boring face 90% of the time. I'm expecting a long abdominal stretch spot in this. Oh shit, long CHIN LOCK spot. Excuse me. God, IRS is literally DRIPPING with sweat in the headlock. You've barely done anything, man. What the fuck? Bo Dallas must wet himself down so much to hide that he suffers from the same condition. Ref bump. Razor hits IRS with the briefcase, but with no ref, it doesn't matter.As he goes for the Razor's Edge, HBK runs in to hit him with Shawn's fake IC title. IRS wins! New champion! Earl Hebner comes out and tells Joey Marella what happened, so the match is restarted. Frankl, that's bullshit. Razor cheated first. Earl running down to say NO IRS CHEATED is some shit. He should have come down and thrown the match out entirely. You biased fuck. Razor hits the Razor's Edge and gets the win, even though the match was never announced to have restarted. So not only did Razor cheat first, then was bailed out by the ref for no reason, but then he attacked a dude who didn't even know the match was restarted. And people think WWE faces are dicks in 2016. 

Recap of the Taker/Yoko feud, with Taker building caskets and whatnot.

The Undertaker vs Yokozuna WWF Championship Casket Match

I always had issues with Taker. If he's an undead Western cowboy zombie thing, why would he give a shit about winning a title? Why would he care about pro wrestling? Why would he care about money? Presumably this guy has to sign contracts and take medical exams and whatnot. Doesn't the idea of 1990s Undertaker cashing paychecks and buying protein powder kind of kill the gimmick? "Neither one of them want to be buried." Yoko fucking BRAINS Taker with a chair. Right in the back of the head. That was rude as fuck. Has there ever been a good casket match? Right as Taker was about to win, Crush ran out. Then The Great Kabuki. Just the idea of Kabuki doing a run in on a WWF Championship match is still weird as fuck. Tenryu! Bam Bam! Adam Bomb! Jeff Jarrett! The Headshrinkers! Diesel! And Taker fights them all off for quite a while. People make their shitty and tired "make Roman look strong" jokes, but it took TEN DUDES to beat Taker. TEN. And they struggled. That's on some WCW Hogan shit. Title retained. Green smoke billows from both the urn and the casket. The lights go out. Taker appears on the screen from inside the casket, even though the camera angle used clearly has no lid, so it can't be from inside the casket. He basically says he's a ghost and then his soul rises through the SCREEN to be on top of the video screen. Even by wrestling standards, this is fucking ridiculous. 

Rapid fire Rumble promos! Yes! Fucking lol at Ted trying to bring up how it makes no sense that Lex is able to get a title shot in the Rumble and Vince literally saying "Let's not bring that up again.". 

Royal Rumble

Scott Steiner draws number 1. HOLLAR. Samu draws number 2. The time between entrances has lowered from 2 minutes to 90 seconds this year. I really doubt this year is going to top 1993 on the weirdness of entrants scale. Although, this will presumably have the Great Kabuki, which is pretty strange. Rick Steiner enters at 3, taking his sweet ass time even though Scott was on the verge of elimination. It's 32X exclusive KWANG! Samu apparently got eliminated. MIST! Owen returns, now a full fledged heel. I forgot to mention that the countdown clock is brought to you by CASIO this year. Owen dumps Rick, who looked annoyed when he came to the ring, when he got in the ring, and when he got eliminated. Bart Gunn! Wrasslin in jeans is the dumbest shit. The great and powerful Diesel has entered the match. He clears the ring. 5 dudes in about 30 seconds. And in enters Bob Backlund to what sounds like a negative reaction. Lol, he almost accidentally SHOOT eliminates Nash. Out goes Bobber. It's...BILLY GUNN! That disgusting mullet and mustache. He's eliminated immediately. Footage of Tenryu and Kabuki beating on Lex from earlier is shown. Why the fuck is Virgil still around? Oh, he was an alternate, filling in for Kamala. Nash just fucking blasts him with elbows before eliminating him. Randy Savage! He's here! Hopefully Macho doesn't try to pin someone this year. Double J is in and out before the next guy enters, which is Crush. Crush dumps Macho. Doink then enters.

Bam Bam enters at 15 and chucks the clown. It's Mabel! This Rumble has not been good. Sparky Plug! All these lame ass dudes and quick eliminations. HBK has entered. Finally, something interesting could happen. The rest of the dudes in here are pretty questionable in a battle royal setting. Diesel almost goes after HBK, but eventually shakes his hand. And then HBK helps eliminate him. SWERVE! Oh no, it's Mo. ...GREG VALENTINE? Weird. Tatanka. Who booked this? It sucks. The talent sucks. The lay out sucks. It all sucks. And now to make it weirder, The Great Kabuki arrives. Lex Luger is able to make it to the match even after his attack earlier. And he gets the biggest reaction of anyone outside of Macho so far. Tenryu enters to no reaction again. Maybe he'll chop the shit out of HBK. Instead, he chops the shit out of Lex. Imagine the sound of a Tenryu chop and Lex noises combined. The buzzer rings, but no one comes out. Rick Martel enters after that. Bret Hart limps his way into the match. Fatu! Now the ring is too full and no one can do anything. The dramatic swings are just too much for me to handle! Marty Jannetty enters and he and HBK immediately start throwing fists. LOL at Tenryu fucking up HBK's superkick spot. He just decided he really wanted to chop Marty, I guess. Adam Bomb enters at 30. Let's wrap this thing up, please. Bret and Lex are the final 2, but both go over the top at the same time. After much debate, Jack Tunney comes out and declares BOTH men the winner.

I don't want to say this was dire, but it certainly wasn't even approaching good. The only thing decent on the undercard was the tag match, and even that was decidedly okay. The Rumble itself was garbage. The fuckery surrounding the winner was more entertaining than the entire match. Diesel had his big run, but then he wasn't mentioned again as soon as he was out. He didn't seem like a big deal, despite eliminating 7 dudes and it taking 5 to eliminate him. It wasn't even a big deal when they eliminated him. He was just kind of dumped and they moved on immediately. 1993 was a better show on all fronts.