WWF Royal Rumble 1995

TO THE BACK.  A white limo arrives, much to the excitement of Dink.  It's Pamela Anderson!  All the dudes are around trying to fuck her.  She wasn't interested.  Especially not in Mable, because Canadians appear to be frightening of black people.  BUT WHO WAS LIMO?!?!

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Vince McMahon and Jerry Lawler will handle announcing duties this year.  I always thought Vince held mics strangely.  Only a true blue-blood would hold the mic that way.  His palm and inside of his fingers never touched the mic.  Only his finger tips.

 

Jeff Jarrett vs Razor Ramon WWF Intercontinental Championship

On the go home Raw, Double J lost via roll up to Bret Hart.  The week before, Razor was down and out and about to lose the title to Owen when Bret stopped the match like a dick head.  That finished really bothered me as a kid.  While Owen cost Bret the WWF Championship at Survivor Series, I thought it made Bret look like a real shit head to return after 2 months off just to make sure Owen couldn't win a title when he had Razor out and in the sharpshooter.  That's some PG Era WWE face bullshit right there.  Anyway, my point was that both guys are coming off loses (basically, Razor was DONE, but ended up losing by DQ instead of losing the title), so the IC curse was alive even in the New Generation.  

Jeff tries to open the action early and gets the taste slapped out of his mouth.  Repeatedly.  Fall away slam.  Short chokeslam.  Tonight, Razor is in all yellow.  Jeff is wearing mostly white with patches of black polka dots, some of which appear to be stars or planets.  Jeff out wrassles the champ and does a lot of strutting.  About 700 wrist lock counters later, Jeff gets Razor on the mat and tussles his hair.  How disrespectful.  Finally Jeff gets decked and lariatooed to the floor.  Good thing Roadie is out there to give him some water.  Razor goes for some shoulder work and Jeff starts throwing dropkicks.  Ol' Double J seems to have the champ's number.  Jeff hits a TERRIBLE diving clothesline.  USWA level shit right there.  Tighten it up a little, Jeff.  I must say, Razor doesn't look very good in this.  Not just  the booking with Jeff just about dominating the match, but he looks sluggish, is bumping weird, and his face looks a little off.  I'm not saying Scott Hall was fucked up in this match, but he is Scott Hall.  Double J goes balls first into the ring post.  Jeff stands out of position for the second rope bulldog, so Razor does a second rope Baba style falling lariatoo.  Shortly after, Razor gets sent over the top rope, tweaking his knee along the way.  As he is out there, Roadie chop blocks him.  Jeff WANTS A COUNT OUT WIN IN A TITLE MATCH AS A CHALLENGER because he's a dumb dumb.  And then he gets mad when he realizes that he didn't win the belt.  Then he says he didn't come here to get his hand raised and pretty much calls Razor a pussy if he doesn't restart the match.  Razor agrees to restart the match.  Jeff goes right after the bad leg.  Razor keeps throwing Diva's Specials, but none end the match.  Figure four!  Razor punches his way out of it.  He's RAZING UP!  Jeff counters the back superplex in mid air, which Razor then counters into a pin for a 2 count.  Lariatooo.  Razor's Edge fails when Razor's knee gives out.  Small package.  New champion!  Not a very interesting match, and oddly booked.  Jeff dominated probably 80% of the match, repeatedly showed Razor up, and beat him twice.  The first win was stupid as fuck with Jeff seeming to want a count out win, then getting mad about being a fucking idiot and wanting the match restarted.

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TO THE BACK.  Stephanie Someone was supposed to talk to Double J, but he wasn't there, so we got to see Todd Pettengill in Pam Anderson's locker room.  We get to see all the gifts the roster gave to her.  Then we go back to Stephanie, talking to Double J.  He's on his way to go fuck Pam Anderson.  

 

IRS vs The Undertaker

This is a continuation of the Taker vs Taker feud, but FakerTaker is done, so Taker gets to be stuck with the MDC for the next year.  I guess this is the closest we'll get to Taker vs Bray.  Or BO.  I think I'd rather see Big Evil Taker vs Bo.  Or maybe Bo vs early dead as fuck Taker.  Just so he could try to motivate him on how to live and get his ass kicked.  Whole lot of stalling from IRS.  God damn, that giant urn is ridiculous.  The match finally starts and IRS gets a big boot.  Tie toss!  This was still in the era when Taker was slow as fuuuuuuuck at everything.  Old School.  It's kind of interesting that move didn't have a name for over a decade.  IRS barely misses punching Ted in the face.  Money Inc seems to be having some issues.  Ted brings out some druids.  This...is not good.  A second Old School is countered with an arm drag, but the bump is missed because a druid was in the way.  Taker is thrown to the floor and tries to fuck with the druids.  IRS attacks from behind and now we get to the abdominal stretch spot.  I swear IRS sweats more in a 10 minute wrestling match made mostly of stalling than I do after 3 hours of bike riding.  Lariatoo.  This sucks.  Not surprising since the New Generation sucks.  They have a collision mid ring and a druid places IRS over Taker for a 2 count.  I think it was Tatanka.  Taker sits up and goes for a tombstone, fighting off the druids at the same time.  IRS gets free and hits another lariato, but doesn't bother to go for a pin or anything.  Just hangs out waiting for Taker to sit up.  Chokeslam for the win.  This match SUCKED.  It's amazing how good Taker was, but wasn't able to show it for SIX YEARS in WWE.  Thank god Mick Foley was hired.  The druids get a beat down after the match.  One is definitely Jimmy Del Rey.  King Kong Bundy shows up for a stare down and IRS steals the giant urn.  Taker gets distracted and hit with maybe the worst elbow drop of all time.  Bundy continues to squash Taker in the ring.  I wonder how Vince could sit out there and not be super pissed at such shitty matches and Bundy doing such bad looking elbows.  Taker is barely able to sit up with the encouragement of the WWF Solar System.  He stumbles to the back like a drunk piece of shit.

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EARLIER TONIGHT.  Tod Pettengill got some words with Diesel.  But not many, because Diesel doesn't want to talk.  Elsewhere, he spoke with Bret Hart.  Bret is kind of heelish here, saying he doesn't care if people want him to get the title shot or what he has to do to win the title, and he doesn't care that people like Diesel.  He likes Diesel himself, but this is war.  

 

Bret Hart vs Diesel WWF Championship

LOL Bret totally blows this guy off in the front row.  He gives his glasses to a kid beside the guy, and the guy seems pissed that he wasn't giving them to his kid.  Then Bret pulls out a second pair and gives them to another kid.  The guy then wants a handshake and Bret completely ignores him.  Diesel comes out to the glass shattering.  Some glorious hair on the WWF Champion.  He gives some dap to Lawrence Taylor, who is sitting in the front row.  Bret doesn't seem to want to follow the Code of Honor (of fist bumps).  Diesel immediately shows off his strength advantage by throwing Bret into the corner.  Bret shows his technical and speed advantage by tying Diesel up and tripping him into the ropes.  And then the fists start flying.  Bret is sent over the top rope.  They're fighting on the apron and they are really going at it, especially for two faces.  The top two faces at that.  Bret grabs Diesel's leg from the floor and rams it into the ring post a few times.  No height advantage when you can't stand.  He continues the leg work back in the ring.  Figure four!  Rope break.  Bret should have been disqualified for not letting go of the hold.  Earl counted to four and just stopped and Bret kept the hold on another 5 seconds after that.  Right back to the figure four, this time in the center of the ring.  Another rope break.  Bret again won't break the hold.  What the fuck, Earl.  He starts and restarts the count 4 times and doesn't DQ Bret.  He does grab Bret's hair while he's kicking Diesel in the ropes, though.  Bret gives him a stern warning and then does a suicide dive.  Diesel gets posted, but Bret is sent into the ring steps.  Diesel hits his elbows in the corner.  Big side walk slam.  Flying teabag on the ropes.  Back breaker into a bow and arrow type of submission.  Bret rolls out of it.  This is pretty dope.  This is almost like a heel vs heel match with how aggressive both are being.  Canadian backbreaker from the champ.  Bret breaks it and turns it into a sleeper.  Diesel gets out with a hair yank.  Big boot!  BronsonLee approved.  Elbow drop that looks 10000% better than Bundy's from earlier.  Bret comes back with a second rope lariato.  He goes up top and is caught with a press slam, which he is able to counter into a pin, but Diesel kicks out WITH AUTHORITY.  Bret goes back to using the ring post and ties Diesel's legs around the ring post with his wrist tape. Then he gets in the ring and stomps the shit out  of him.  Running bulldog.  Russian leg sweep.  Bret is able to show his strength by hitting the back breaker.  Second rope elbow.  Almost more of a splash.  Diesel is sent over the top with a lariato, but he lands on his feet.  Bret comes out with a pescado only to be caught and rammed into the ring post.  Time for a jackknife.  Jackknife!  HBK hits the ring and breaks the pin.  What a piece of shit!  LOL at Vince saying HBK would be "out of here forever " if he attacked a ref.  Earl decrees that the match MUST CONTINUE!  Both men struggle to get up.  Bret goes back to the leg, which HBK also attacked during his run in.  Figure four!  Again!  Diesel breaks it with HEART PUNCHES.  That's kind of awesome.  Bret gets Diesel's leg all wrapped up in the ropes and again won't break the hold, despite MULTIPLE counts to break.  Diesel is all over the ribs that were injured from the ring post earlier.  Gut wrench suplex from Diesel!  Diesel over extends his leg trying to choke Bret in the corner and Bret uses the ring post again.  And now he hits the knee with a chair.  Still no disqualification.  Vince tries to claim that Bret missed.  Fans actually BOO Bret back in the ring, but start cheering again when he locks on the sharpshooter.  Vince acknowledges the boos.  Owen runs in and breaks the hold, then Bret does the sternum bump with an exposed turnbuckle.  Earl again decrees that the match MUST CONTINUE.  Diesel crawls to make a cover.  TWO COUNT FALL!  Diesel tries to use the buckle, but Bret is able to send Diesel into it instead.  Bret throws about 7 punches before Diesel goes down.  But Diesel pops up and elbows the fuck out of Bret.  Bret falls through the ropes, getting tangled up along the way.  Diesel heads over with a chair, but Bret is freed before it could be used.  Bret falls in the ring, clutching at his knee.  Small package, it was a SWERVE!  Bret goes for an O'Connor Roll, but stupid Earl was in the ring.  Ref bump.  HBK, Owen, Bob Backlund, Jeff Jarrett, and The Roadie all hit the ring and attack both me.  Officials fill the ring and the match is ruled a draw due to outside interference.  The two share a handshake and hug after the heels are cleared from the ring.

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Man, this match was great.  By New Generation standards, it was 5 stars for sure.  It was a war the whole time, with both guys doing whatever it took to win/keep the title.  Bret especially was about as close to full on heel as he would be before 1997.  So much so that he actually got booed, even if just momentarily.  Bret and Nash had great chemistry.  Even their last match in 2000 with Bret wrestling in his jorts and being concussed and Nash being Kevin Nash in WCW was good stuff.  For anyone thinking that Nash was just some big lazy lug, this should be proof that he was highly capable when he needed to be.  Everyone came out of this looking great and the title really comes off as super important when the top two faces are doing whatever possible to win it/hold on to it.  High, high quality stuff, even with the non-finish. 

 

TO THE BACK.  Todd is still in Pam's dressing room and gets to give her her dress.  I think he came.  Elsewhere, Stephanie speaks with Bob Holly and 123 Kid.  They are in the finals of the tag team championship tournament tonight.  Bobcore looks like he's never seen a microphone or a camera in his life.

King has some fun with the Magistrator.  He draws himself kissing Pam from her entrance at the start after the show.  They're going to fuck after the show.  

 

Bam Bam Big Yellow/Tatanka vs 123 Kid/Bob Holly WWF Tag Team Championships

Tatanka and Bob start the match.  I'm sure it is some kind of commentary on the native Americans against the American auto something something something 'cism.  Hardcore throws a lot of dropkicks and head scissors.  Tatanka was getting fat as fuck.  Bam Bam tags in and literally runs through the punks.  Kid gets tossed around like a...kid.  Suck it.  Huge pop up rana from Kid.  Bam Bam doesn't give a fuck and hits an enzuiguri right away.  Kid settles into the FIP role.  Bam Bam gets back dropped over the top.  By the Kid.  Somehow.  Stereo cross bodies are caught , but the heels are bumbling idiots and gets rammed into each other anyway.  Hardcore is also sent over the ropes.  Maybe on the night of the Royal Rumble, you shouldn't have multiple over the top rope spots in all of the matches on the card.  More bumbling idiocy from the heels.  You'd think a guy as rich as DiBiase could get his team on the same page.  I'd rather just see Kid vs Bam Bam.  All other combos are really uninteresting.  Especially Tatanka vs Holly.  And it feels like that has been going on for an hour.  Hot tag to Kid.  He's flying all over the place.  Vince calls a helo the moonsault.  Kid is press slammed over the top.  Bammer goes for a moonsault.  Tatanka wasn't paying attention and ran into the ropes, causing Bam Bam to fall.  After a LONG delay, Kid rolls on top of Bam Bam for the win.  New champions!  Bam Bam's face got all fucked up from a missile dropkick.  Bam Bam walks around ringside as fans laugh at him.  LT is one of those fans and gets shoved on his ass.  Holy shit, my sociology/AP European history teacher from high school was right near the action.  I knew he lived in Tampa, but that's my favorite teacher.  I'm 99% sure that was him standing there cheering for LT.

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TO THE BACK.  HBK got a pre-Rumble promo has him promise to knock everyone out of the ring and be the winner of the Rumble, because this is the year of HBK.  We're shown the finish of last year's Rumble.  Elsewhere, Lex cuts a promo of his own.  Dude has been completely off the radar since WMX.  He's sick of being a contender and he's ready to fulfill his destiny.  Lexberto Del Rio.  

Vince apologizes to LT.  Fink introduces Pamela Anderson.  The winner this year not only goes to the main event of WM, but also gets to walk out with Pam

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Royal Rumble

The number one entrant is...SHAWN MICHAELS!  British Bulldog has drawn number 2.  HBK immediately attacks.  This year, the rules have changed a bit as the time between entrances has been cut to 60 seconds instead of 2 minutes or 90 seconds.  Bulldog bounces HBK all over the ring.  3rd in is a FUCKING HARRIS BROTHER GOD DAMN IT.  FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.  Duke the Dumpster is in at 4.  Jimmy Del Rey is in at 5.  This shit is too fast.  But it is actually a blessing because the New Generation roster is pretty fucking garbage.  No pun intended, Duke.  Barbarian is in at 6.  The gigolo is the first man eliminated.  In comes Dr. Tom.  If only JDR could have stayed in for 25 more seconds.  HBK escapes a press slam elimination from Barb.  Doink!  So far in this match: A male stripper, a garbage man, a clown, a gigolo, a savage islander.  And now Kwang, a Puerto Rican pretending to be a masked Japanese man.  And I guess Dr. Tom is a doctor.  Of what, I'm not sure.  Pain?  Love?  Bad haircuts seems the most likely.  Rick Martel!  Now we have a model.  Owen Hart!  Now we have a true king.  The King of Harts.  But Bret attacks Owen in the aisle.  I guess he is kind of justified this time, but he did the same thing to Owen that Owen did to him.  Maybe they're even now.  One of the Well Dunn guys is in.  HBK backdrops Dumpster over the ropes right on to Earl Hebner, who wasn't paying attention at all.  Well Dunn 1 takes an amazing corner bump.  I think he was trying to Flair Flop out of the ring, but fucked everything up.  He's eliminated, as are Martel and Dr. Tom.  And then Doink.  Harris Brother and Barb eliminate each other as Bushwhacker Luke enters.  He is immediately tossed out and we are back to just HBK and Bulldog.  ANOTHER FUCKING HARRIS BROTHER FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK GOD DAMN IT.  Thankfully HBK eliminates him right away.  15th in is King Kong Bundy.  Fucking gross.  Dude is legit a walking egg.  I guess Owen made it to the ring and was eliminated, which was missed and no one noticed for a few minutes until it was shown on replay.

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MO makes his surprise return at 16 and is eliminated in 3 seconds by Bundy.  Bad news for Bundy: Mabel is the next entrant and is there for revenge for his fallen partner.  Next in is Butch.  Mabel eliminates Bundy.  And immediately tossed out.  HBK holds on as Lex Luger enters the ring.  He immediately dumps Mabel.  The Allied Powers try to eliminate the Texan, because world politics I guess. Mantaur!  Jeeeeeezus this might be the worst line up ever for a Rumble.  ALDO MONTOYA.  This is just incredible.  Henry Godwinn.  Fuck.  This keeps getting worse.  So many terrible wrestlers and terrible gimmicks.  Billy Gunn!  It's sad when Smoking Gunn era Billy is a good entrant.  Next in is Bart.  Surely the cowboys should be going after the guy who is part bull, right?  Bart is at least.  MR. BACKLUND!  Finally, a legit entrant.  Bret Hart attacks him as well.  Bret is a bit of a sore loser.  Guess we should have seen his turn coming all along.  Other Well Dunner.  I swear Vince didn't even know the guy's name.  Backlund rolls in the ring and is dumped out by Lex.  Bret and Backlund fight to the back.  It's DICK MURDOCH!!!  He punches EVERY PERSON in the ring, because that's the kind of guy he is.  He should have been in No Holds Barred with Stan Hansen.  Adam Bomb is in at 28.  His push really died off long before he turned face.  But then it died even more after that.  It's Fatu.  Uso Crazy.  Lex dumps Mantaur.  The final entrant is Crush.  Shakabruddah.  He dumps the Smoking Gunns out.  Well Did is done.  Dick makes the same mistake with Fatu as he did with Afa in the 80s: Trying to headbutt a Samoan.  Sadly he didn't do the amazing sell job like he did in the 80s since he was already on the mat when he tried it.  HBK tosses Aldo out.  Crush dumps Fatu.  Dropkick from Dick Murdoch!  Airplane spin!  HBK walks into HOG's feet and then they fall over the top.  Dick was eliminated, but Henry held on.  Henry is tossed.  The final four are Lex, Bulldog, HBK, and Crush.  HBK eliminates Lex.  Bulldog eliminates Crush going after HBK.  HBK is clotheslined over the ropes.  Bulldog's music plays.  He's going to Wrasslemania!  But wait, only ONE of HBK's feet hit the floor.  He's back in and eliminates Bulldog.  Shawn Michaels is going to Wrasslemania!  HBK celebrates his win with Pam Anderson and kind of tries to fuck her right in the ring.  I would watch a porn of prime HBK and prime Pam.  Would have been dope, I'm sure.

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I'd like to point out that the go home show for the Rumble ended with a main event of Fink vs Wippleman in a tuxedo match.  Fink won and spent the last 4 minutes of the show in his underwear stomping around with the Bushwhackers.  The line up for the Rumble itself was TERRIBLE.

 

A male stripper, Ozark redneck hillbilly twins, a hog farmer, a garbage man, two savage islanders, a gigalo, whatever Well Dunn was, Bushwhackers, Humpty Dumpty, rappers, a guy who is apparently part bull, a guy who wears a jock strap on his face, two cowboys.  Rumble itself sucked, but it was also really short so not that hard to sit through.  IRS/Taker was complete garbage.  Absolute trash.  Razor/Jeff was okay at best, but not very good.  The tag match was okay.  Bret vs Diesel was GREAT.  One of the best matches from either guy.  It's really, really good.  Dudes went to war, both were cheating and being dirty even though they were the two top faces, because that's what the title meant to them.  It was great.  The fans turning on Bret for cheating so much, but then cheering again when he locked on the sharpshooter was such a weird moment.