WWF Royal Rumble 1999

WWF HOME VIDEO EXCLUSIVE: Various guys talk about doing double duty, Chyna in the Rumble, and the $100,000 bounty on Stone Cold.  Wasn't there a bounty on Austin in last year's Rumble?  Some of these are in kayfabe, until Jeff Jarrett pops up talking about storylines and why fans enjoy the booking of the Rumble.


Road Dogg vs Big Boss Man

This is a non title match, despite Road Dogg being the Hardcore Champion.  Crowd is all over Boss Man.  Boss Man drills Road Dogg in the corner and yells "How do you like that, cocksucker?".  Heel Attitude Era Boss Man was great, I just wish he could have worked as well as 1990-1992ish Boss Man.  He missed a Stinger Splash and got caught in the ropes.  Road Dogg did a dropkick and ended up busting the Boss Man's beans on the ring post.  Boss Man controls the pace for a while.  He slaps on a bear hug to a big "Awwwwww shit" from Road Dogg.  Boss Man continues to be a general dick head for the next few minutes.  Road Dogg makes his come back.  Then he's caught in the Boss Man Slam.  Boss Man wins. 


Billy Gunn vs Ken Shamrock WWF Intercontinental Championship

Billy says something about WPMC before the match.  You guys better be down with the Woburn Public Media Center at Woburn Memorial High School.  If not, SUCK IT.  This feud is pretty much over Billy mooning Ken's sister, Ryan.  Even though she wanted him to and enjoyed seeing his taint.  Also, Ken's storyline sister was his girlfriend in real life, which makes me wonder why they didn't just bring her in as Ken's girlfriend.  RUSSO.  Billy hit a series of lariats.  Mr. Ass runs into the ring post and Ken literally kicks his ass. Shamrock dominates with kicks and rest holds.  Dudes being so worried about their sister's sex lives always creeps me out.  I have a sister.  I'm not interested into the least about her sex life.  Certainly not enough to go beat some guy up.  Ken gets a face full of middle fingers while on the floor.  Ken takes a facebuster from the apron to the announce table.  Shamrock goes to work on the leg of Gunn. Perfect Plex gets 2.  Ref bump.  Val Venis runs in and gives Shamrock a DDT.  Ken kicks out!  Gunn goes for a top rope ax handle and twists his ankle on the landing.  Ankle lock for the win.  Title retained. 


TO THE BACK.  Shane and the Stooges get Vince pumped up for the Rumble.  I HATE AUSTIN.

Gangrel vs X-Pac WWF European Championship

Why did X-Pac get a personalized version of the DX theme, but the Outlaws didn't?  And what does "Suck it, two tears in a bucket" mean?  Arm drag!  Gangrel is dressed like TAFKATAFKAPI.  Kick combo in the corner.  Gangrel comes back with a double underhook belly to belly.  "Gangrel is like a pittbull."  No, Cole, he's like a vampire.  Fucking asshole.  Flapjack Norton.  Dracula misses a flying elbow drop.  Flip lariat from Kid.  Bronco Buster.  Teddy Long botches a 3 count, clearly counting to 3 and then continuing like nothing happened.  He got a "You fucked up" chant for it.  X Factor for the win.  Title retained.


TO THE KELLY.  Kevin Kelly talks with DX.  They all say they are going to win.

Shane McMahon is the guest ring announcer for the next match.

Luna vs Sable WWF Women's Championship

Strap Match

What I remember most about this match is Russo in Beyond The Mat telling Sable to sell her back.  Earlier in the night, Luna attacked Sable.  Shane is here to give the title to Luna.  Sable wants the match.  Shane joins on commentary.  He seems to have a thing for Luna.  Shane's catch phrase seems to be FORGETTABOU.  Not forget about it, or even forget about.  FORGETTABOU.  Shane distracted the ref and some fan hit Luna, allowing Sable to win.  "King that's...that's....it's...that's that fan!"  Title retained.


TO THE BACK.  The Corporation tell each other they're going to win the Rumble.

TO THE DOK.  Rock runs down Mankind and guarandamntees victory tonight.

The Rock vs Mankind WWF Championship

I Quit Match

The main story behind this was that Vince used Mankind as a patsy in the Deadly Games tournament, when he had been backing The Rock the whole time.  Vince redid the Montreal Screwjob to make sure Rock won the WWF Championship.  Mankind would defeat Rock by knock out at IYH: Rock Bottom, but did not get the title.  He would win on Raw the same night as the FPOD and Nitro would never win another Monday night.  Mankind gets on the early offense and can't figure out how to turn the mic on.  "The Rock says you can kiss his aaaaaaaaahh."  Mic to the head.  Repeatedly.  "The Rock is gonna kick your fat aaaaaahhhh!"  Cactus Clothesline.  Mankind goes fucking flying over the ring steps.  Rock trash talks at the announce table and pays for it.  Double arm DDT.  Rock is out from the Mandible Claw.  Foley says he's going to split open the people's eye brow.  Rock puts the ring bell on Mankind's head and rings it a few times, singing along the way.  He tries a Rock Bottom on the SAT, but the table gives way.  They make their way to the entrance area.  Rock DDT on the concrete.  "AH you go piss yourself!"  They climb above the tech area.  Foley gets knocked off on to speakers or something, shooting sparks everywhere and cutting the lights to much of the building.  Shane came out and Rock was asking if Foley was okay.  He then changes his mind and decides he's going to fuck Mankind up.  He handcuffs Mankind back in the ring.  Mankind fights back with his legs and head.  People's Elbow with a chair on Foley's head.  Chair shot 1.  2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10.  Jesus Christ, Rock.  Rock puts the mic to a downed Foley's face and a recording of I QUIT I QUIT I QUIT plays.  Rock wins. New champion!  As gross as ALL 10 of those chair shots were, I don't think any individual one was as gnarly as the one Funk gave Foley in last year's Rumble.  But there were 10 hard and 100% unprotected chair shots to the head in a row.  I'm glad stuff like that doesn't happen any more. Something to consider when people make fun of Mick for forgetting his lines on Raw 20 years later.  Mankind ends up walking out with some help. 


Royal Rumble

Stone Cold and Vince are numbers 1 and 2.  Chyna will be 30.  Vince comes out shirtless. LOOK AT THE STRIATIONS.  LOOK AT THE MUSCULATURE.  LOOK AT THE POWER.  Austin knocks the shit out of Vince until the next entrant comes in.  GOLGA!  He's eliminated by Austin shortly after he came in.  I'm amazed his Cartman shirt wasn't blurred out.  Vince gets out of the ring and Austin chases him to a bathroom in the second level.   It was an ambush by the Corporation!  Droz is next in to an empty ring.  HE'S GONNA PUKE!  Edge makes his Royal Rumble debut, and baby, we got a stew going.  GILLBERG!  Edge eliminates him immediately.  We see Austin down in the ladies restroom.  In comes Steve Blackman.  Dan Severn.  It always weirded me out that he'd wipe his pits and then his face with the shirt.  Stone Cold is loaded into an ambulance  Tiger Ali Singh (the elitist who doesn't like America, what an original gimmick).  Whole bunch of losers so far.  The Blue Meanie!!!   11 doesn't come out, but then we see Thrasher being smashed by Mabel.  I guess Mabel is taking his place.  He eliminates Severn, Blackman, and Tiger.  Road Dogg is next.  Meanie and Droz were also eliminated by Mabel.  Out goes Edge.  The lights go out.  SABU!  Nah, it's Taker's music.  The Acolytes and Mideon has apparently knocked Mabel over the ropes.  He's abducting and going to sacrifice Mable for breaking his face a few years ago.  Gangrel is in.  He's eliminated with a loud splat.  Lol, Kurrgan.  Al Snow is 15th in and we're half way through this thing.


Road Dogg eliminates Al while he was trying to eliminate Kurrgan.  Goldust!  He's back to a normal for Goldust look.  He has a painted on beard, though.  The Godfather comes out with only 2 hos.  18 HAS GOTTA BE KANE!  He eliminates everyone in the ring.  But then the white coats came after him.  He eliminates himself and leaves through the crowd.  Ken Shamrock is back.  And so is Vince!  He elects to join commentary instead of fight Shamrock.  Billy Gunn hobble runs in next.  Bootless.  They continue their match.  This is a Test.  We see Mabel still getting his ass kicked. An ambulance arrives.  It's Cold Stone!  He stalks to the ring as Boss Man enters the match.  He's attacked by Shamrock, who is promptly eliminated.  HHH is 23rd in.  Val Venis is...coming to the ring.  Austin eliminates Billy.  X-Pac, who is said to be the lightest RR competitor ever at 210 pounds.  A. I doubt he was 210, and B. I'm sure Gillberg weighed less.  Sexual Chocolate is...coming to the ring.  Jeff Jarrett is 27th.  Debra has quite the set of yams.  D'Lo!  Chest protector and PMS and all.  Austin tosses Test out.  Boss Man chucks X-Pac out.  Jarrett is gone.  Owen is 29th in.

  Chyna is the final entrant and first woman in Rumble history.  She eliminates Mark henry.  Austin eliminates her right after.  Val is out.  HHH is out.  Austin eliminates Owen.  The final four are Austin, McMahon, Boss Man, and D'Lo.  Boss Man tosses D'Lo out.  Boss Man is gone!  We're down to Austin and McMahon again!  Oh look, another unprotected chair shot to the head.  Austin beats up Vince for a while.  Rock comes out and distracts Austin.  Vince wins!  VINCE MCMAHON IS GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!

DQ Count: 0 out of 6 matches.

Decent show.  Rumble itself was not very interesting.  Too many big angles and too much down time with low card guys not doing anything.  Most of all, this show has made me remember that Shane was a gigantic twat.