WWE Royal Rumble 2017

Bayley vs Charlotte WWE Raw Women's Championship

Charlotte's first NXT match was against Bayley. This starts to fall apart almost immediately, with Bayley having back to back to back awkward as fuck spots and Charlotte trying to cover them up. When Charlotte is in control, this is pretty good. When Bayley goes on the offense, everything falls apart. It was clear to everyone that Bayley was the least talented of the Four Horsewomen, but with proper booking and the right angle, she could be in great matches with true emotional investment. This is not one of those matches or angles. Didn't seem to be much focus from either in terms of stragety, but Charlotte's crowd work is better than basically anyone on the roster. She won with the Natural Selection on the apron, which looked like it hurt her much more than Bayley, and also was a very limp finish since it wasn't like Charlotte needed a super finisher at this point in the story, and the crowd was definitely expecting a kick out. Title retained. Charlotte now has 16 straight PPV victories. 

 
 

Kevin Owens vs Roman Reigns WWE Universal Championship

No Disqualification

In addation to no DQ, Chris Jericho is in a shark cage above the ring. Jericho attacks Roman before he's put in the cage. No surprise there. Some aimless brawling to start out, going into the crowd and finding their way to all the announce tables. KO then builds a pyramid of chairs which looks like a set up for a bump that there is no possible way to take safely. They tease it a few times, but then move to a table, which obviously trumps all bumps besides thumbtacks in wrestling logic. KO puts Roman through it with a frog splash to the floor. There seems to be a story of Roman's injured ribs, but this strikes me as something that's going to be about ridiculous bumps instead of story or selling. There seems to be a pretty clear formula to this match: Tease a weapon/spot, fake out to use a different weapon/spot, then do a big bump on the original weapon/spot. They've done it 5 times in a row. Jericho drops some brass knuckles to KO, because when has there ever been a manager in the cage match that didn't have something like that? KO superman punches Roman with them for a 2 count. Your superman punch needs work, Kevin. KO hits a comedic looking stunner for a 2 count, which I think is terrible. Hitting a stunner in a match since 2003 has always been a comedy spot, and KO doing a version that looks like a video game animation for a 2 count in the middle of the match is so dumb. Like, a lot of people doing the Macho Man elbow, but that isn't a particularly specific move. The stunner in WWE has a very, very specific history and connotation, and you can't just throw it out in the middle of a match after 15 years of anyone who isn't Austin doing the stunner being treated like a comedy spot. KO finally takes the bump through the chair pyramid, but it was the worst kind of big bump: Doesn't look impactful, but likely hurt like a motherfucker. I'm amazed they actually paid that bump off, though. Roman follows that with a powerbomb through an announce table. Then, OUTTA NOWHERE, Braun Strowman shows up and assaults Roman. Chokeslam on the announce table. Powerslam through a table in the ring. KO wins! Title retained.

This might be a weird complaint, but this was TOO structured. Every spot was built to, but in exactly the same way: Set up a bump aparatus or get a weapon out, go to something else for a few mintues, go back to the aparatus or weapon. Every single time. It just didn't feel like the match was flowing to me because of it. The bones were too visible for me. 

 
 

Enzo and Cass do an EXTENDED ad for KFC. 

TO THE BACK. Shane and Stephanie McMahon, Mick Foley, and Daniel Bryan are in the back as Sami Zayn and Dean Ambrose draw their numbers in the Rumble.


Neville vs Rich Swann WWE Cruiserweight Championship

So much fucking down time just to get the ropes covered in purple for this match. Neville returned after an injury as a heel, feeling like WWE made him an afterthought and didn't even consider putting him in the cruiserweight division. So Neville has decided to take it over on his own. Heel Neville is really something. If he wasn't so short, he could be a top heel in the company. A truly proper bastard heel who isn't trying to get any cheers, while also having a gigantic chip on his shoulder with a great mean streak. The problem is, despite being jacked to the tits, he's like 5'5". This feels much closer to his real personality than generic smiling baby face. The only issue is that his new character kind of necessitates slower and more methodical cruiserweight matches, which is absolutely the last thing the division needs since it's been DOA due to matches being too slow and not exciting enough. Neville controls most of the match with wear down holds and kicks, so this isn't super interesting. Swann's fire up was decent enough, but he ends up tapping out to the Rings of Saturn. New champion. Again, I really think Neville's heel character and work is excellent, but it's not great for a cruiserweight division already known for having not particularly exciting matches to set it apart from anything else in the company. I think that's part of the reason why Spanky as champ didn't work nearly as well as Spanky in the CWC. Neville is clearly the the right choice to head the division, though.

 
 

New Day do an ad for VUDU. Remember when WWE didn't do full on commercials on PPV? 


AJ Styles vs John Cena WWE Championship

This feud dates all the wya back to May of 2016. AJ and Cena had their first interaction on Raw, and then AJ turned heel on Cena. Since then, AJ has gone on to defeat Cena 3 times, with AJ assuming control of Smackdown in Cena's time away from the ring. But now Cena is back and eager to prove that he's still got a lot left in the tank, he's not a part timer, and this is still his company.

Crowd is molten. Compare their reactions in this to KO/Roman, which is a similar indie/smark  favorite vs WWE machine star. Not even a comparison. Very even opening moments, and then countering of signatures to show familiarity. Pretty similar to the Summerslam match in that way. The greatest hits, as it were. Cena trying to win with the figure four to win his 16th title is amazing heel work to the audience that still hates him. Lots of finisher kick outs here. Not surprising, but the big spot fest stuff they did at Summerslam made more sense in context than it does here. AJ kicks out of the avalanche FU. Cena is LEGIT SHOOK. He follows it with another FU, then rolls through to hit another to put AJ away. New champion. Cena has now tied Ric Flair's world title record.

Curious booking choice to me. Considering who the winner of the Rumble will be, it's clear that's not going to be the WM match, so I think it would have been better to have AJ drop the title in 2 weeks in the Elimination Chamber and not have him have a decisive loss to the guy that they've spent 9 months telling you he was better than in every confrontation. 

 
 

Royal Rumble

Big Cass and Chris Jericho are the first two entrances. Fuck. You just know Jericho is going to be in for 40 minutes. Kalisto! MOJO. Fuck. What a bad start to this Rumble. Jack Gallagher!!! He has his parasol! Very fun, very playful. Lmao at him trying to go after Mark Henry. Couldn't be more polar opposites. BRAUUUUUUUUUUUUUN. He goes on an elimination spree, setting up for Sami Zayn to enter at 8. Big Show is in at 9, looking about 80 pounds lighter than at last year's Rumble. Braun puts him out anyway. Fucking TYE DILLINGER is in at 10. GET IT?!?! Because he's the perfect 10. But James Ellsworth is the perfect 11. The universe seems intent on making sure he gets destroyed by Braun every few months. Elimination of the match. Baron Corbin enters and eliminates Strowman. Big surprise elimiation there. Miz is 15, so we're half way through this thing.

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Braun Strowman eliminates Kalisto.gif
Braun Strowman eliminates James Ellsworth.gif

The ring is really filling up with guys who definitely have no chance of winning. Stage is set for a big monster to come out and eliminate everyone. I'd like to think Bray is that guy, but he's not. I think there are 12 guys in the ring at this point. Then Apollo Crews enters at 22 and lol. What a weak entry. Cesaro and Sheamus eliminate all of New Day at once, then Jericho (who had been outside of the ring for a half hour) eliminates Cesaro and Sheamus as they were trying to eliminate each other. Orton hits the ring and hits a bunch of Kanyon Cutters. Ziggler comes in and does the same thing with superkicks. Luke Harper comes in, looking in fantastic shape. Bray gets between him and Orton, so Luke lays Bray out. SWERVE!

 
 

Finally, Brock Lesnar is in at 26. Here's the rampage I've been waiting for. The next guy in is obviously Goldberg, right? NOPE, IT'S ENZO! LMAOOOOOOO. Enzo gonna die. Die he does. Goldberg enters at 28. GOLDBERG, DAWG! He immediately spears and eliminates Brock. Loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooool. 29. The lights go out. IT'S DA UNDERTAKER! AND HE'S TELEPORTED INTO THE RING! Lol. Amazing way to get around Taker having to walk that gigantic aisle. Sadly, Taker looks like shit. Clearly out of shape and in pain. So when Goldberg spears Taker, it looks like shit, because Tkaer looks like he can't even really bump right now. Taker eliminates Goldberg, so MMA Math says Taker just got his win back from Brock. God, Taker is SAD. Reminding of the last few years of Andre. Everyone is expecting a big debut or return at 30. Instead, they get ROMAN REIGNS! LMAOOOOOOOOOO. Oh my god that's fucking hilarious. The most blatant trolling WWE has done in ages. Roman eliminates Taker. Why, that seems like a Wrestlemania match! The final four are Roman, Jericho, Orton, and Bray. Jericho, who spent the whole match either on the floor or in the corner, gets eliminated going to the top rope for no reason. Roman eliminates Bray, and Orton coutners a spear with a RKO before elimiating Roman to win the Rumble. Him?    

 
 

Reasonably good show. All the singles matches felt too long, and the Rumble itself had a lot of down time waiting for the big stars to show up. Orton winning seems like a terrible idea. No one is interested in seeing Randy Orton headline WM in 2017. Hopefully Taker retires after WM this year. Any time in the prior 5 years was a good time for him to go. Now it looks like he's waited too long. He looked terrible in this. 

WWE Royal Rumble 2016

TO THE BACK. The McMahons arrive in their limo. Jojo catches up with them. Vince bends down to be on her level, because JoJo is about 4 feet tall even with heels. BUT WHO WAS LIMO?!?!


Dean Ambrose vs Kevin Owens WWE Intercontinental Championship Last Man Standing

I already feel like this feud has run its course, so hopefully this is the blow off and both guys get something new to do heading into WM. I feel like I've seen this match six times in the past 2 months. JBL has a cold tonight, so hopefully he'll talk less. After getting hit with a dive, KO flies over the table and continues his streak of fucking with Michael Cole. I think he broke the dude's glasses. KO does a cannonball through the time keeper's area and controls from that point on. I don't really see much of a point in these kind of matches when you can't really get violent. Most of these spots are just normal, average hardcore match spots that you can see on Raw or Smackdown. LOL holy shit the rebound lariat is now called THE WACKY LINE. Jesus Christ. Also LOL is Cole and JBL giving out The Revenant spoilers. Please, someone tell me why the fuck Dean Ambrose is doing the Tenryu combo to a CHAIR that is wrapped around KO's head. Why would that hurt KO at all? That could break Dean's hand. That might be the dumbest spot I've seen in 2-3 years. What the fuck. This match is set up for someone to take a big bump every two minutes on a convienetly placed table or set of chairs. Dean wins after shoving KO off the top rope through stacked tables on the floor. Title retained. Match was really dumb. Good thing it had big spectacle spots to make the fans think they were seeing something special. They didn't, but dudes destroying themselves will make you think you saw something special.


The New Day vs The Usos WWE Tag Team Championships

I can't even write up the New Day pre-match promo. It has to be seen to be believed. Will the Usos ever be in sync for their haka? Fans are solidly behind New Day here, booing the Usos. Because...The Rock or something. The Rock isn't even actually blood related to Roman/Usos/Tamina. Get that shit outta here. On the pre-show, Booker was happy Byron wasn't there, saying it was "back to the suburbs" for him. And now, even JBL is talking about Byron being a cornball brother. Poor guy can't catch a break. New Day are firmly in control. There is a pretty neat spot of Uce and Kofi both going for kicks, getting tangled, and Kofi turning it into a take down. Shout out to Xavier for dropping Mortal Kombat The Movie lines in the middle of the match. Lol, random suck it sign from Jimmy. Cool finish of Uce going for the Superfly Splash, only for Big E to pop up and catch him with the Big Ending OUTTA NOWHERE. Titles retained. It was fine, I guess. Felt like it went on for 20 minutes. Fans were not interested in the Usos getting any offense at all. They didn't even pop for their dives. 


TO THE ETHER. The Wyatt Family reveals that they are the Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse. 


Alberto Del Rio vs Kalisto WWE US Championship

So, let's get this straight. Kalisto wins the title from ADR on Raw in a big upset. He immediately drops it back to ADR on the next Smackdown. And now they're having another title match. Three in about..four weeks? I'm cool with Kalisto's push and all, but god damn. Spread shit out a bit. The US Championship already is back to being a meaningless midcard title that people trade back and forth. Cena spent a whole year building that title up and it dies the second ADR gets a hold of it. Just like my interest. JBL reveals that he's an atheist during this match when David and Golliath is mentioned. Straight up calling the Bible stupid fairy tales. How can a guy so full of Mexican bull test be so fucking boring? At least with a guy like Ambrose, you can shit on him for how genuinely bad he is in the ring. With ADR, he's technically fine, but just so bland. ADR has less in ring charisma than Brad Armstrong. ADR's kick has been totally nerfed. It put Cena away (and out for 2 months), but can't put away Kalisto? Not only that, but Kalisto is flying around about a minute later? ADR is loud as fuck. Christ. You don't literally have to yell out your spots. Everyone in the lower bowl could hear you, dude. And then cameras just zoom in on him calling spots. Oh wow, I think Kalisto just Daniel Bryan'd himself. He tried to do a Yoshi Tonic off of ADR's back, slipped and landed directly on his head. Jesus Christ that was gross. No way that doesn't end up fucking him up. ADR controls most of the match, Kalisto botches most of his offense. ADR takes a turnbuckle pad off, only to get sent into it face first. Kalisto wins with the Solina Del Sol. New champion. Again. This title has now changed hands three times in a month. What was the fucking point? Why didn't they just have Kalisto stay the champ? Get ready for Kalisto to vacate the title due to Danny Bryan Syndrome.


TO THE PANEL. I'm so sad that Booker pops so hard for King's awful, awful jokes. I should point out that King seemed to imply that Becky Lynch's dad abused/molested her as a kid on the pre-show. I don't know if it was intentional or not, but it came off that way and it was super weird.

TO THE BACK. Stephanie is having fun on her phone when Paul Heyman comes in to talk about her pores. Paul also has his phone out. Make sure the logos are in the shot, guys. Stephanie will negotiate anything about the WM main event as long as Brock takes out Roman tonight.


Charlotte vs Becky Lynch WWE Diva's Championship

This is really the only match on the undercard that has a real story and build to it. Dean/KO has been "You took my title and I'm mad" stretched out for 2 months. New Day/Usos already feels like a 9 year feud. ADR/Kalisto is just random matches for the sake of random matches. This actually has months of build and character work/progression. There is some awkward chain wrestling to start, which I blame on Charlotte doing shit like trying a go behind while three feet away from Becky. On the floor, Ric forces himself on Becky. Cole and Byron are disgusted with it. JBL was basically like "he's been forcing himself on women for decades, what do you expect?". Lots of counters and reversals, playing into the story that they were best friends and training partners, so they're very familiar with each other. The crowd is behind Becky, being very hot for all of the teases and near falls. Oh my god, Ric's way of breaking up the Disarmher is by gently tossing his jacket on Becky's face. Holy shit is that hilarious. This distraction was enough to allow Charlotte to hit a spear and get the win. Title retained. After the match, Sasha Banks came out and made her intentions of coming for the title clear. 


Royal Rumble

For the first time ever, the WWE Championship will be defended in the Rumble. Roman starts at 1, while Rusev enters at 2.  Sadly, Rusev is quickly eliminated. Before the 3rd person even comes out. And that 3rd person? AJ STYLES! To a massive, massive pop. Really couldn't be a better place for him to debut than in Orlando. And boy does he take his time making it to the ring, soaking all this up. AJ immediately teases the Styles Clash. Tyler Breeze enters and is hit with the AJ strike combo, then eliminated by AJ and Roman. It's CURTIS AXEL! He's been in the rumble for over a year! AJ quickly eliminates him. Chris Jericho enters at 6 to a massive pop. What the fuck. Why are they popping so much for him? AJ is about the same size as Jericho, but Jericho is like...60 pounds more of Dad Bod. THE DAMON KANE HAS RETURNED! Goldust enters and the ring is starting to fill up. Seems ripe for a monster to come in and eliminate everyone. For some reason, no one seems to be gunning for Roman, despite it being in the best interest of EVERYONE IN THE MATCH to eliminate him. That's kind of like...the whole point of this Rumble, but they seemed to give up on it and it isn't even 10 guys in. Ryback enters at 9. It actually seems like everyone is going after AJ instead of Roman. Very odd booking here. Kofi enters on behalf of the New Day. Is this one of those weird "Only one member from a team" can enter things this year?  Titus is in at 11 and things have slowed down considerably. Truth comes in at 12 and immediately gets a ladder. Because he thinks it is MITB. This gimmick is already past its expiration date. Then he's immediately eliminated. Kofi's save spot this year is landing on Big E's shoulders. And then he just stays up there, taking a break. Luke Harper is the first member of the Wyatt Family to enter. The League of Nations (directed by Vince McMahon) come out to assault Roman. Rusev does Umaga's running table dive, celebrating by hugging Vince. Lol. Then he steals one of the monitors. LOL. Rusev is the best.

Big Show is the half way point, and as he enters, Roman is being tended to by EMTs. Instead of throwing Roman in the ring and then over the top rope, the Leeg just left him out there on the floor. Neville comes in and probably has had the most spots of anyone so far. He takes out the whole ring. STROMAN! He quickly, and easily, eliminates both Kane and Big Show. Kevin Owens limps out (and convienetly drops that as soon as he hits the ring) and immediately starts brawling with AJ. Then Neville gets involved. INDIE WRESTLING. Owens eliminates AJ, who lasted about 28 minutes in his WWE debut. Not bad. Oh goodie, Dean Ambrose returns. Dean Ambrose tries to be the weird child conceived in a sake bar with Terry Funk and Atsushi Onita, but without any of their good qualities. God damn did the Shield breakup expose him. Oh my, it's SAMI ZAYN! He's out for revenge on KO! And he gets it by eliminating Owens. Rowan enters. Seems like this is getting time for Brock. NOPE. Mark Henry is who you get. All your indie favs are eliminated. And NOW you get Brock at 23. Jesus CHRIST he lays Stroman the fuck out. That's what you get for not selling his clothelines. Holy fuck. That might have been the most violent thing I've seen in WWE in years. Swagger is in, F5'd, and tossed. Lol. He and Henry won a match on the pre-show to get into the Rumble. Both were thrown out in 15 seconds. Fucking lol, Brock starts throwing TIGER KNEES at Stroman. Stiff as fuck, too. Miz enters and heads to the announce table. "Keep looking at me like that, I'll turn Suplex City into Mizney World!" Brock just chucking Harper around like he ain't shit. Well fuck me, ADR is back. Losers shouldn't be allowed to enter the Rumble. Oh hey, Chris Jericho is STILL IN THIS. So is Roman, even though he's been in the back for a half hour. Strange booking. Brock has now eliminated the Wyatt Family. Convient since Bray enters next. Then the Wyatts come back and eliminate Brock. And then Brock just...leaves. No rampage. He just goes to the back. Bizarre. Miz finally enters after Brock is out. In comes Dog Ziggler. Cunt. Sheamus is 29, and Roman returns at the same time. In at 30 is...TRIPLE H! MY GOD! Fucking LOL at the immediate pedigree to Ziggler. Thank god Dean Ambrose eliminated Jericho. Jericho was in for 50 fucking minutes. Fuck. The final four comes down to Sheamus, Ambrose, HHH, and Roman. Roman eliminates Sheamus...and HHH eliminates Roman! RAPID FIRE CROTCH CHOPS! HHH eliminates Ambrose. HHH is the new WWE World Heavyweight Champion!


Undercard was weak as fuck. The Rumble, despite it's complete lack of thematic booking to match the entire build up of the thing, was pretty interesting. AJ debuting was cool, and he seemed to be setting up an angle with Kevin Owens, who also has an angle with Sami. Jericho vs Dean will probably happen at Fastlane or WM and sounds horrific. HHH winning was the logical and correct choice. Anyone who doesn't understand that is an idiot. The booking did no wonders for Roman, though. Spending half the match not even in the ring doesn't really make him look like a tough guy when he comes back out and still loses.

WWE Royal Rumble 2010

Christian vs Ezekiel Jackson ECW Championship

God damn was Zeke's music so fucking rad. That Brawl For All remix. This is a very solid quick vet vs strong rookie type match. Christian was probably at his peak of great 80s babyface style working and was able to make Zeke look like a killer. It wasn't spectaular or anything, but it was very solid. I enjoy and appreciate that Zeke didn't try to do any convoluted power moves. He'd just smash and throw you. Over and over. After working for 10 minutes to hit it, Christian finally hits the Killswitch for the win. Title retained.


TO THE BACK. Tiffany and Teddy Long are talking when Cryme Tyme comes in, saying it is bullshit that only one of them can be in the Rumble. They want Teddy to take a spot from someone else. Teddy won't do it, so they try to get Khali's spot by offering him Tiffany. "Great Khali says 'No dice, home slice.'". Then Khali does an URKEL impression. The fuck. Then everyone starts singing "Pants On The Ground". THEN Miz shows up. This shit won't end. Elsewhere, Cody and Randy have a heart to heart. Why the fuck can only one member of Cryme Tyme be in the Rumble? 


The Miz vs MVP WWE US Championship

Fuck this match. I don't know what happened to MVP from his matches with Benoit to...anything after, really, but he got shitty in a hurry. And Miz was never good in the ring anyway. King buries the fuck out of Smackdown's tiny viewing audience, saying MVP came from the witness protection program when he got drafted to Raw. Miz wins with a small package OUTTA NOWHERE. Title retained. Fuck this match.


TO THE BACK. The Big Show and Chris Jericho chat about jealousy. It's a "ex lovers meet up in an awkward moment" skit. Truth interrupts and says weird shit. Elsewhere, Ted and Randy have a heart to heart about Cody.


Sheamus vs Randy Orton WWE Championship

Uguuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu. These two have no chemistry. This is the point where everyone in charge should have realized it, yet they've had 3000 matches against each other in the following six years. Sheamus works on Randy's arm, Randy works on Sheamus' leg. Just because it had a story doesn't mean it was interesting at all. Cody Rhodes came out and attacked Sheamus on the floor. The ref saw it. Orton then hit the RKO in the ring...and then the bell rang. Sheamus wins by DQ. Title retained. Randy attacks Cody after the match. Ted comes out to break it up. Randy beats him up, too. And then Sheamus hits the Bro Kick. I don't think this could have been more boring. I've seen video game matches have more chemistry.


Michelle McCool vs Mickie James WWE Women's Championship

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This is a feud built over Michelle calling Mickie fat. Such a mature and totally non-stereotypical women's angle. Mickie runs out, attacks Layla, who was dressed like Mickie, then hits her finisher. New champion. Fucking LOL at Matt Striker calling Mickie "the every woman". Because she's fat, you see. Like most women. In what world is Mickie James the average, every woman? After the match, the rest of the dives come out with a giant cake. LayCool get caked. "All these divas secretly hate each other." Karma prevails and the mean girls are put in their place. The whole angle was dumb as shit since Layla was the same size as Mickie and grown fucking athletes having a whole angle on fat shaming dumb shit like they're 14 is ridiculous. 


Rey Mysterio vs The Undertaker World Heavyweight Championship

The second Taker is able to get his hands on Rey, he immediately chucks him over the top rope. Which, great on any show except the Royal Rumble. Fucking hate how every Rumble show will have guys going over the top rope in every match. Hey, let's have out main event be a first blood match and then have guys blade in every match. This wasn't long, but it was dope. Very smart. Each guys had counters for all the signature moves and would have to modify them to hit. Rey's offense was all hit and run stuff, and usually counters to Taker's offense. Like just flailing his knees to get out of the tombstone (busting Taker's nose) or rans out of powerbombs and shit. It was rad. Taker wins with a delayed Last Ride. Title retained. Just two vets with two wildly different styles and sizes putting on a short, compact, and intelligent match. Very enjoyable.


Royal Rumble

Dolph Ziggler enters at number one. Evan Bourne is number two. CM Punk enters next. IWA MS represent. He eliminates both dudes and then grabs a mic. SES Punk is his best look. The hair, the beard, chest hair. It's the only time he looked legit. JTG apparently won the coin toss. He's eliminated in about 15 seconds. More shit talk from Punk. Oh boy, the Great Khali! Beth Phoenix enters and eliminates Khali while kissing him. Then she gets blasted with the GTS. Zack Ryder enters. Punk offers him a spot in the SES and then SWERVES him. Because who the fuck really wants Zack Ryder in your crew? It's TIME TO PLAY THE GAME! Lol. Berrying time. Drew McIntyre enters at nine. HHH blocks a GTS and eliminates Punk. Punk completely controls the first 10 minutes and then HHH throws him out in a minute.  Lol. Ted DiBiase Jr. enters and is immediately smashed. Lol. HHH has no time for these young fucks. John Morrison. What a nerd. THE DAEMON KANE! He and HHH should team up and throw all the young guys out. Cody Rhodes enters, trying to help Ted. EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF, YOU FUCK. You think Dusty wouldn't have tried to eliminate Dick Murdoch right away? MVP enters only to be attacked from behind by Miz. 

Carlito enters at 15, meaning we are halfway through this thing. It's not good. All these losers. Plus Matt Striker on commentary. Miz sneaks in. Man, the roster was full of goobers in 2010. He and MVP eliminate each other. It's Matt Hardy! God, the blue tights were not flattering at all for him. Just accentuated his gut and weird legs. Kane eliminates him immediately. Lol. HHH eliminates Kane right after. HBK enters wearing his gear from WM. He has to win this, as it is the only way he'll get his rematch against Taker at WM. It is his life obsession at this point. He eliminates everyone, leaving just HHH and himself in the ring. Before they can get into anything, John Cena arrives. Lol, TEN KNUCKLE SHUFFLE! That might be the worst thing I've ever seen. I love it. I hope he does a double FU. Never mind, pedigree. And then HBK eliminates HHH with a superkick. MY GOD! Shelton Benjamin is in next. He doesn't last long. Matt Striker's future commentary partner, Yoshi Tatsu. Working spots with HBK and Cena. For about 15 seconds. Who the fuck convinced Big Show it was a good idea to wear an ill-fitting singlet with no knee pads? Chris Masters got his entry into the match on Superstars. I'm sure that tells you all you need to know about his chances. R-Truth gets to eliminate Henry and Show at the same time. Jack Swagger! That stupid ass hair. Kofi Kingston enters at 27, the statistically most favored spot. Chris Jericho enters at 28, and Edge returns from a torn Achilles at 29. He immediately eliminates Jericho. Matt Striker says to call your friends and tell them what's happening. That shit doesn't work for PPVs, idiot. Batista enters at 30. He tries to be sneaky about it. It looked hilarious. HBK gets eliminated and became the heart broken old man with wonky hair. Cena eliminates Batista. Edge eliminates Cena with absolutely no drama at all. Edge is going to Wrestlemania. 


2010 were dark times. So many losers on the roster. A lot of which are still there as of the weekend of the 2016 Rumble. The Rumble itself fell off a cliff once Punk was gone, which was only a third over at that point. The rest of it had no story outside of "HBK has to face Undertaker at WM". It was just a stream of "X comes in, hits his move on 3 people, promptly gets eliminated". And everything on this show was so short. Taker/Rey was 11 minutes, Sheamus/Orton was 12, Miz/MVP was under 8, Mickie/McCool was 20 seconds, and the Rumble itself was only 49 minutes. Cena had the longest time in this year at just 22 minutes. I'm not really sure why the undercard matches were so short if the rumble itself was so short.

Taker/Rey was pretty rad, and Zeke/Christian was pretty solid. Everything else was trash.

WWF Royal Rumble 2002

The last WWF Rumble.  A lot of things have happened since 2001.  WCW and ECW died.  Vince bought both of them.  WCW invaded (with a bunch of mid carders, plus DDP and Booker T) and teamed up with ECW to form The Alliance, which would spend most of the Summer and Fall trying to put the WWF out of business.  The Alliance (and WCW) died forever at Survivor Series 2001.  The next night, Ric Flair returned to the WWF and is now half owner with Vince McMahon.  The WWF and WCW Championships were combined into the Undisputed Championship, which was won by Chris Jericho.  Undertaker cut his hair and is a real dick head.


Dudley Boyz vs Tazz/Spike Dudley WWF Tag Team Championships

Fuck, Stacy is amazing.  Such a beautiful woman.  Tazz's push was completely undercut by the Radicalz jumping a week after his debut.  Why would you push Tazz when you have Chris Benoit, who is bigger, in better shape, a better wrestler, and much more versatile?  Dude had no chance once those guys came in.  Match starts with Spike getting his ass kicked.  He was wearing a neck brace at the start.  Spike hit the Acid Drop on Bubba as a transition to make a hot tag.  Too bad Tazz is FAT and couldn't reach the tag with his short FAT arms.  Huge double Flapjack Norton.  Tazz gets the hot tag and does a whole lot of Tazplexes.  Jack Doan is bigger than Tazz.  Is Tazz shorter than Dean Malenko?  Another Acid Drop.  Tazz put Stacy in the Tazmission.  He then put it on D-Von and won.  Titles retained.  Of all the holds you could put Stacy in, you do a judo choke? 

 
 

Edge vs William Regal WWF Intercontinental Championship

Before the match, Edge basically insinuated he was going to bash Regal's head in with a chair.  So weird that Regal is probably in the best shape of his life.  He has defined abs and no flab at all to him.  Even in 1993, he was a cardio machine, but still had chub and flab on him.  Nick Patrick checks around ringside for hidden brass knuckles before the match.  He found them in Regal's trunks.  Edge decides he's going to work over Regal's nose for the match.  Regal hits the Knee Trembler and a half nelson suplex.  Edge blocks a tiger bomb, but Regal holds on, rolls through, and nails the move anyway.  Edge's big attempt to get back into the match was an apron DDT.  Head on collision.  Another half nelson suplex, which Edge no sells to do a fighting spirit lariatoooooo.  It's like Davey Richards took this match as inspiration or something. Regal Stretch.  Edge made it to the ropes.  He does a really shit version of his own.  Top rope spin wheel kick.  Regal had a second pair of brass knuckles in his trunks.  He pulls Nick Patrick in the way of a spear.  Power of the Punch!  New champion!  Cole caught up with Regal after the match.  You just can't compete with the Power of the Punch. 

 
 

Jazz vs Trish Stratus WWF Women's Championship

Special Guest Referee: Jacqueline
 

What is it with Canadians and pastels?  Can they just not find black or white up there?  Trish won with a bulldog after Jazz easily kicked out of Stratusfaction. It was a very boring and short match that saw Jazz working over Trish's arm/hand for the entire match.

 
 

EARLIER TONIGHT.  Ric Flair, his daughter, and son Reid made it to the arena.


Vince McMahon vs Ric Flair

Street Fight

This is Ric's first match since the final Nitro in March of 2001.  Appropriately enough, this is in Atlanta, the former headquarters of WCW.  Vince is even bigger than he was in 1999.  LOOK AT THE STRIATIONS!   LOOK AT THE MUSCULATURE!  LOOK AT THE POOOOOOWER!  Vince shoves Ric away and shows those striations.  Vince just has too much musculature for Ric.  Vince dominates until he decides to chop Flair, which pisses Ric off.  He does some chops that make Vince's feet tap, but Vince comes right back with an eye rake.  Flair botches the Flair Flip, which isn't that big of a deal since he was doing that as early as the 1988.  Flair is hit with a KEEP OFF sign and somehow didn't blade from it.  I spoke too soon.  Vince beats Flair all around the ringside area and in front of his family.  He takes a selfie with Ric's daughter's camera.  He even puts Ric in the figure four.  Vince gets his pipe out.  Not his dick, but an actual pipe.  Ric low blows him before he can use it.  WHATAMANUVER!  Ric whacks Vince in the head with a monitor.  Vince is now bleeding everywhere and Ric's daughter gets some more close up shots.  Ric cracks the pipe over Vince's head and puts him in the figure four.  Vince gives up.  Ric wins!  I'm sure that Vince had a literal and ego boner over getting to knock the shit out of Ric Flair in Atlanta for 10 minutes. 


TO THE COLE. Michael asks Nick Patrick about Regal having a second pair of brass knuckles.  Before he can get an answer, Stephanie takes over the interview to say HHH is going to win the Rumble.  As she shit talks Austin and Debra, Stone Cold walks up behind her.  WHAT?  What chants were in PEAK form.  Jesus.


The Rock vs Chris Jericho WWF Undisputed Championship

Jericho and Rock had a great feud over the WCW/World Championship during the Invasion angle.  Jericho beat Rock and Austin on the same night to win the Undisputed Championship.  Jericho does a lot of shit talking and runs away from Rock.  He ends up running into the ring post.  Didn't matter, as he was in control moments later. Rest holds!  My favorite.  Superplex from Rock.  He also hits a belly to belly, but Jericho is right back with a bulldog and 2 Lionsaults.  Rock kicks out! To the surprise of no one.  Sharpshooter!  The kind that looks like Rock is taking a violent shit.  Christian and Lance Storm get involved. Jericho hits a Rock Bottom.  Rock always took his move the best.  Jericho goes for the People's Elbow.  Rock nips up and sends Jericho's happy ass to the floor.  Rock Bottom from one announce table to another!   After they get back to the ring, Jericho kicks out.  Walls of Jericho!   We get a ref bump and Jericho hits Rock with the WWF Championship.  Nick Patrick slides in the ring.  2 count!  Rock pops up with a DDT.  Patrick won't count the pin.  Rock Bottom!  Fuck yo WCW.  People's Elbow to Jericho.  Of course, there is no ref since two have been bumped.  Jericho low blows Rock and rams him into an exposed turnbuckle.  School boy with the feet on the ropes.  Earl magically comes to life.  Jericho wins!  Title retained. 

 
 

TO WWF NEW YORK.  HBK is there, with his cowboy hat and Texas state flag button down.  He says nothing about the title match, but marked out over Vince/Flair.  He then dropped some George W. Bush quote (fuck, doesn't that seem like a completely different world?) before predicting either Austin or Taker to win the Rumble.


Royal Rumble

Rikishi drew number 1.  Goldust drew number 2.  He was making his return to the WWF after some time in WCW and indies.  Also "returning" were Val Venis and The Godfather, who never left, but were just returning to their old gimmicks.  The only real returning guy was Mr. Perfect.  The Big Boss Man drew 3.  Bradshaw comes in with bad intentions in his eyes. Jealous eyes, if you will.  LUSTFUL eyes, perhaps.  Stink face to Boss Man.  Right in his mouth.  Asshole to the mouth.  And he's eliminated due to the mouthful of asshole he just got.  Lance Storm hits the ring. I think it is always a bad idea when announcers bring up and point out the lack of charisma in guys.  Oh my, it's Avatar!  Billy!  That hair was ridiculous.  Lance and Al fight on the apron, with a superkick eliminating Lonce.  Billy dumps out Bradshaw.  Oh fuck, It's DA UNDATAKER!  He eliminates everyone left in the ring.  A returning Matt Hardy is the next man in.  The last time we saw the Hardys, they were fighting each other and Taker beat the shit out of both of them.  Lita also joined the action and she and Matt double team Taker.  The next man in is Jeff Hardy.  A triple team on Taker!  The bros have reunited.  Jeff gets dumped out.  Last Ride to Matt and he's also gone.  MAVEN!  Poor guy.  He runs in and is booted in the face.  The Hardys come back in and fight with Taker, which allows Maven to dropkick and eliminate him.  MAVEN ELIMINATES THE UNDERTAKER!  Maven then realizes what he's done.  Taker gets back in the ring, throws Maven out of the ring (through the ropes), and continues to beat him.  Disgusting chair shot.  Scotty 2 Hotty is next in and gets decked before he even makes it to the ring.  Maven is thrown back in and over the ropes officially.  Christian is 13th in and has the place to himself as Taker is beating up Maven in the stands.  Maven is thrown through a popcorn stand.  Taker then took a handful of popcorn for a post match snack.  Scotty makes it to the ring finally.  DDP!  Look at those teeth.  Kanyon Cutter on Christian.  BANG!  He tosses Scotty out.  Chuck!  He's the 15th man in, which means we are half way through the match.

The Godfather makes his return with a massive ho train.  But he's gone legit, so they are escorts.  DDP was eliminated during Godfather's long entrance.  By the time he got in the ring, it was time for someone else to come in, which was Albert.  He's quickly eliminated.  Godfather is also out.  Saturn is in with cow print trunks and new tats.  Stone Cold Stone Cold Stone Cold WHAT!?  He eliminates the Blue Dot and stuns Saturn before eliminating him and Chuck.  He actually eliminated Christian and Chuck twice just for fun.  Val Venis is...coming to the ring.  Austin wasn't impressed.  Test!  He has immunity from winning a battle royal at Survivor Series 2001.  He can't be fired for anything until SS 2002.  I would have sat at home and collected money to not wrestle.  Val and Test are gone.  Triple H!  It's burying time!  He had just returned from his quad injury.  And after that injury, Austin buried Hunner for being a pussy and getting hurt.  HHH's entrance takes a while, so we didn't get much singles action before The Hurricane entered the match.  He tried a double chokeslam.  It didn't work and he was eliminated.  Faarooq hits the ring.  He didn't last long either.  DAMN.  MR. PERFECT!  Maybe he and HHH can finally have that match from 1996 that never happened.  Did it ever happen in 2002?  Kirk Angel!  Heavy hitters in here now.  Big Shoe is in.  Another double chokeslam is blocked.  You'd think Austin and HHH were tag team partners or something.  IT'S GOTTA BE KANE!  Back before he had that weird gut, a hump back, and a bizarre hair line.  He slams Show over the ropes, then is Angle Slammed out.  RVD!  He goes on a roll only to get killed with a Pedigree.  Lol.  Seems fitting.  Booker T is the final entrant and has the shortest amount of time in the Rumble.  He eliminates RVD, who had been completely motionless from the Pedigree a minute and a half ago.  Then he was eliminated.  Angle, HHH, Austin, and Perfect are the final 4.  Angle dumps Austin while he's trying to get Perfect out.  Austin gets back in with a chair, which at least makes a little more sense for his character than Hulk Hogan in 1989.  Perfect Plex to Angle!  Too bad HHH eliminated Perfect seconds later.  Hunner wins!  Hunner wins!  Hunner Haitch is going to WrestleMania!


DQ Count: 0 out of 6 matches.

I liked this Rumble much more than 2001, even with HHH's win not at all being in doubt. Vince/Flair was a blast.

WWF Royal Rumble 2000
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Quite a bit has changed since last year's Rumble.  Stone Cold is out hurt after neck surgery.  Rock is the undisputed top face.  The Giant and Chris Jericho have jumped from WCW.  Eddie Guerrero, Dean Malenko, Perry Saturn, and Chris Benoit would join them a week after this show.  The Dudley Boyz and a mystery man have jumped from ECW.  Triple H is the dominant heel champion.  Cactus Jack is back.  Vince turned face.  Stephanie McMahon turned heel.  Edge and Christian and the Hardy Boys have become stars and revitalized the tag team division.  Kurt Angle has debuted and is so far undefeated.  Vince Russo and Jeff Jarrett jumped to WCW, not at all helping the dying company.  The WWF is absolutely CRUSHING WCW now.  Owen Hart died in the ring and the show continued.


Kurt Angle vs Tazz

Kurt Angle heeled on the NYC crowd, the Knicks, and so forth.  The fans are chanting for Tazz even before he comes out.  It's TAZZ!  WE KNOW WHO THAT IS!  He wastes no time as MSG rings with ECW chants.  It goes to the floor where Angle hits a suplex. Belly to belly in the ring.  Head and arm super Tazplex.  Angle got his foot on the ropes and nearly won with a German suplex.  Over head German Tazplex.  Head and arm Tazplex.  T-bone Tazplex.  Tazmission!  Kurt Angle is out!  The streak is over!  I remember this debut being a lot hotter than it was.  MSG popped huge for the entrance and finish, but the match was short and really flat since Kurt was throwing Taz around with suplexes for most of it.  Kurt is stretchered out and given oxygen after the match.

 
 

TO THE COLE.  Michael talks with the Hardys and Terri about the up coming tag team table match with the Dudley Boyz.  Jeff won't allow Terri to come out with them tonight.  The way Jeff says "No" sounds more like "Neweooo".

WWF HOME VIDEO EXCLUSIVE.  Tazz says GOLD MEDAL MY ASS!


Dudley Boyz vs Hardy Boyz

Table Match

Bubba had gone back to his old ECW stuttering gimmick for some reason.  He was phasing it out by this time, though.  They heel on NYC, which is hilarious considering Bubba has one of the thickest New York accents you'll find in wrasslin.  The Hardys run to the ring.  Bubba bomb on Jeff.  The ass buster kind, not powerbomb.  Matt saves Jeff from the first table bump.  Jeff follows it up with a tope to Bubba.  The first crazy chair shot of the night as Jeff cracks Bubba's head.  Jeff does his run on the railing spot, only to have a table thrown in his face.  Double superplex from the Hardys.  Now we have a ladder in the match.  Matt tries to kill Bubba with a chair.  Bubba is put through a table with a combo splash/leg drop from a ladder and the ring to the floor.  A table is wedged between the steps and ring.  Matt misses D-Von.  Jeff comes flying out and also misses D-Von.  Matt is superbombed through a table that was on top of the steps for extra bumpage.  The match will be over when Jeff or D-Von go through a table with an offensive move.  They're now fighting near one of the entrances.  Tables are stacked as Bubba and Jeff are up on a balcony.  Jeff knocks Bubba off, sending him through two tables below.  D-Von is put on the remaining table.  Swanton off a balcony through a table!  Hardys win!

 
 

MOMENTS AGO.  EMTs talk with Kurt Angle, who is asking if he won.   He was told he was choked unconscious.  Kurt believes he's undefeated since that is illegal.


Miss Rumble 2000 Bikini Contest

Sgt. Slaughter, Tony Garea, Fabulous Moolah, Johnny Valiant, Andy Richter, and Freddy Blassie were the judges.  King was the MC.  Luna, Ivory, Jackie, BB, Terri, and The Kat were contestants.  Before a winner could be announced, Mae Young came out and flashed her tits.  Mark Henry tried to cover her up and ended up flashing more.  Mae wins!  This made her sling them back out.  If I was a judge, I would have picked Kat since she's the only one without the gross late 90s fake tits that look awful.   Too much muscularity and striations for my taste as well. Ivory, who I normally find hot, was in body builder shape for the contest. 

 
 

TO WWF NEW YORK.  Coach!  He's the newest broadcast colleague and he's stuck at the restaurant with a bunch of crazy assholes.

TO THE BACK.  Jericho and Chyna argue over who will get to wear the IC Championship to the ring tonight.  Dave Hebner takes the belt to the ring.  Jericho calls him Earl.

WWF HOME VIDEO EXCLUSIVE.  Kurt Angle claims to be undefeated due to being illegally choked out.


Chyna vs Hardcore Holly vs Chris Jericho WWF Intercontinental Championship

Chyna and Jericho were co-champions coming into this match.  Bobcore starts the match by shoving Chyna.  Then everyone slaps each other.  I would say this is the peak of Chyna's attractiveness.  She wasn't super crazy looking like now, but didn't look like a dude anymore.  She wasn't as super jacked, making her look a little softer.  She's dumped out of the ring to let the MENfolk fight.  Chyna breaks up the Walls of Jericho.  This sucks.  The whole Chyna/Jericho angle was bad.  Hardcore kicked out of the pedigree.  Jericho pinned Chyna after a Lionsault.  This match sucked and was a pretty good example of why you don't have women and men competing with each other.  Despite Chyna being as big as a man, the guys still had to go half speed with her and everything she did looked like shit.

 
 

TO THE COLE. Cole catches up with The Rock.  There are 2 superstars who give Rock some concern: Crash and Mosh.  But if he can get through them, he'll have a shot of winning the Rumble.  He wipes a monkey's ass with what Big Show thinks.  He guarandamntees to win the Rumble.  He guarandamnteed victory at last year's Rumble, and it worked out for him.

WWF HOME VIDEO EXCLUSIVE.  Jericho brags about his victory.


New Age Outlaws vs Acolytes WWF Tag Team Championships

No wasted time as the APA chase the Outlaws out of the ring right away. Bradshaw does a fall away slam to Billy while booting Road Dogg in the face.  Faarooq does some dancing of his own.  Lariatoooooooooooooooooo! APA didn't come to play tonight.  Spinebuster to Road Dogg.  Billy pulled the ref out.  Bradshaw knocked them both over.  Double team powerbomb.  X-Pac runs in and his spine is busted.  Billy sneaks in and hits the Fameasser.  Titles retained.  Super short.

 
 

WWF HOME VIDEO EXCLUSIVE.  Road Dogg gave a nice little rhyme about the victory.


Cactus Jack vs Triple H WWF Championship

Street Fight

It was in MSG and against Triple H that Cactus Jack made his WWF debut. Cactus shit talks and seems to have HHH nervous.  He attacks.  Forearms in the corner.  HHH bails to the floor, so Cactus slides out and does a neck breaker. Cactus leg drops a chair on HHH's face.  HHH is back dropped into the crowd.  They brawl back to the entrance, which is set up as an alley.  HHH is suplexed onto some wooden pallets.  He's also rammed repeatedly into the metal door in the entrance way.  HHH comes back with a back suplex on a trash can.  HHH has a huge gash on his calf.  Running knee with HHH against the steps.  Oh shit, a barbed wire 2x4!  HHH is the first one to use it.  Earl is booed for removing it from the ring.  Cactus beats up the Spanish announcer to get it back.   Ref bump and HHH gets hit in the face with the board.  Elbow drop with the board!  HHH kicks out, but is now looking to see how high he can go on the Muta Scale.  Cactus attempts a piledriver on the Japanese table, only to be back dropped and bounce off.  HHH is gushing blood.  Back in the ring, HHH is slingshot into the corner and bulldogged on the 2x4.  Cactus clothesline.  Foley's knee is destroyed as he got hip tossed into the steps, and then thrown knees first into them seconds later.  HHH continues to work over the leg for a while.  Handcuffs!  HHH tries to attack with the steps, but Cactus managed to give him a drop toe hold, sending him face first into the steps.  HHH actually breaks the back of the chair over Foley's back.  Another gross chair shot to the head.  Rock shows up out of nowhere and hits HHH with a chair.  A cop gets the cuffs off of Foley.  Cactus tries another piledriver.  All the announce tables were from Japan this year.  A bag of thumb tacks is dumped out in the ring.  Steph comes out to plead for Mick to stop.  Cactus is back dropped into the tacks.  Pedigree.  Foley kicked out!  Pedigree on the thumb tacks.  JEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESUS!  HHH wins.  Title retained.  This was a war.  Much like Cactus vs Orton, this is really the match that made HHH legit.  I don't think people really bought him as a true top guy until this match.  A Pedigree on thumb tacks might be the craziest hardcore WWF spot to this day.  It could have gone so badly.  Foley had tacks stuck in his neck, cheek, and eye brows.  He easily could have lost an eye.  HHH was stretchered out, only for Cactus to drag him back out for some extra punishment. 

 
 

TO WWF NEW YORK.  Coach talks with Linda McMahon about the actions of Stephanie.  Linda won't talk about her, but she says things in the WWF will be handled the McMahon way.


Royal Rumble

D'Lo Brown has drawn number 1.  Grand Master Sexay drew number 2.  King wasn't very impressed with that.  Mosh is 3rd in with a giant furry cone bra.  Kaientai hit the ring and are eliminated even though they aren't in the match.  Grandmaster injures Mosh by bulldogging D'Lo right on Mosh's ankle.  It's Christian!  Rikishi is in next.  HE'S FAT.  RAHkishi eliminates Mosh and Christian.  Fire Thunder Driver on D'Lo.  Scotty 2 Hotty is the next in and we have a dance break.  But then Rikishi SWERVES his bros and eliminates both of them.  In comes Steve Blackman. This is his 3rd Rumble.  MSG doesn't doesn't like him at all.  He is eliminated.  Viscera is in and we have a a FAT battle.  Mable vs Fatu.  Vis is eliminated before the next entrant makes his way down.  And the next entrant is the Big Boss Man.  He doesn't even enter the ring, instead opting to wait for some help.  Test is the next man in, who goes right after Boss Man on the floor.  Boss Man with the first low blow of the match.  Rikishi does the second.  In comes the Bulldog.  3rd low blow.  Gangrel is next in, wearing the same purple pants he wore in last year's match.  Kaientai come back out and are tossed out again.  Taka face planted, but it wasn't at an angle to gif yet.  It's Edge!  That fucking cave man face.  I don't know why girls thought he was hot.  Banzai drop on Boss Man.  King asks for a replay of that "Chinese guy" face planting.  MR. BOB BACKLUND!  MSG is legit shook!  Everyone in the ring dumps Rikishi out.  ChrisJericho is 15th in and we are half way through this very fast moving Rumble.

They're only doing 90 second intervals this year, so it is going by fast.  Jericho eliminates Backlund.  Backlund leaves through the crowd so he can do some steps.  Crash Holly comes in.  Mosh is gone, so if Crash goes out, Rock might win.  Edge spanks him for some reason.  4th low blow.  Chyna!  As if she didn't suck enough in her actual match, she gets to be in another Rumble.  She eliminates Jericho and is then eliminated by Boss Man.  DAMN, it's Faarooq.  The Mean Street Posse run in and attack him.  Boss Man then tosses Faarooq out.  Road Dogg rolls out and goes right for Test, only to get the 5th low blow of the match. Crowds are chanting for Rock.  Al Snow, who is now more serious and missing Head.  Bulldog is eliminated.  Val Venis is...coming to the ring.  There is a Jesus is Cumming sign on a phone pole around my house.   Makes me giggle every time.  Funaki runs in again and is thrown out again.  Taka was taken to the hospital, King thinks it is hilarious, and continues to call them Chinese.  He seemed confused that Japanese was even a word.  Prince Albert in a can makes his way to the ring as Edge is tossed out.  Hardcore Holly is in.  Rock finally enters and the Garden is going banana!  Out goes Boss Man.  Mr. Ass's asses ass as ass as ass.  ASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.  Rock eliminates Crash.  Rock is free to win this now.  There is a Big Shoe making its way to the ring.  He gets rid of Test and Gangrel.  Gangrel actually had the longest time in the Rumble this year, but it was only around 23 minutes.  Bradshaw goes right after Road Dogg.  The Mean Street Posse again hit the ring and are disposed of.  Pete Gas smashed his face into the bottom rope sliding in.  The Outlaws eliminate Bradshaw.  IT'S GOTTA BE KANE!  He throws Val out.  Godfather is in with a few more hos this year.  Albert is eliminated by Kane.  Funaki is in and out again.  King again talks about Chinese shit.  X-Pac is the final entrant.  Bobcore is gone.  Shoe tosses Godfather out.  Rock shovels Snow out.  Billy eliminates Road Dogg!  Kane eliminates Billy shortly after.  Kane, Big Show, X-Pac, and Rock are the final four.  Kane brawls with the NAO on the floor.  X-Pac is chucked out.  He comes back in since the refs were busy with Kane and the Outlaws.  Kane is out.  X-pac is eliminated again.  Rock and Show go over at the same time, but Rock held on to the ropes.  Rock wins!  The Rock is going to Wrestlemaina!  As long as they don't show it from a different angle.  Rock's feet absolutely hit the floor first and it would be part of the angle going into WM.  Big Show came back out and threw Rock out. 

 
 

WWF HOME VIDEO EXCLUSIVE.  Dr. Tom got some words with Rock.  Rock will win the title at WM.  We were then shown HHH after his match, covered in blood, with a hole in his calf.  It's about a bullet sized wound caused by the wood pallets.


DQ Count: 0 out of 6 matches.


Good show over all.  Rumble was a little iffy, the IC match sucked, bikini thing was a waste of time, but the tables match and street fight made up for them.  

WWF Royal Rumble 1999

WWF HOME VIDEO EXCLUSIVE: Various guys talk about doing double duty, Chyna in the Rumble, and the $100,000 bounty on Stone Cold.  Wasn't there a bounty on Austin in last year's Rumble?  Some of these are in kayfabe, until Jeff Jarrett pops up talking about storylines and why fans enjoy the booking of the Rumble.

YOU'VE GOT NO CHANCE!


Road Dogg vs Big Boss Man

This is a non title match, despite Road Dogg being the Hardcore Champion.  Crowd is all over Boss Man.  Boss Man drills Road Dogg in the corner and yells "How do you like that, cocksucker?".  Heel Attitude Era Boss Man was great, I just wish he could have worked as well as 1990-1992ish Boss Man.  He missed a Stinger Splash and got caught in the ropes.  Road Dogg did a dropkick and ended up busting the Boss Man's beans on the ring post.  Boss Man controls the pace for a while.  He slaps on a bear hug to a big "Awwwwww shit" from Road Dogg.  Boss Man continues to be a general dick head for the next few minutes.  Road Dogg makes his come back.  Then he's caught in the Boss Man Slam.  Boss Man wins. 

 
 

Billy Gunn vs Ken Shamrock WWF Intercontinental Championship

Billy says something about WPMC before the match.  You guys better be down with the Woburn Public Media Center at Woburn Memorial High School.  If not, SUCK IT.  This feud is pretty much over Billy mooning Ken's sister, Ryan.  Even though she wanted him to and enjoyed seeing his taint.  Also, Ken's storyline sister was his girlfriend in real life, which makes me wonder why they didn't just bring her in as Ken's girlfriend.  RUSSO.  Billy hit a series of lariats.  Mr. Ass runs into the ring post and Ken literally kicks his ass. Shamrock dominates with kicks and rest holds.  Dudes being so worried about their sister's sex lives always creeps me out.  I have a sister.  I'm not interested into the least about her sex life.  Certainly not enough to go beat some guy up.  Ken gets a face full of middle fingers while on the floor.  Ken takes a facebuster from the apron to the announce table.  Shamrock goes to work on the leg of Gunn. Perfect Plex gets 2.  Ref bump.  Val Venis runs in and gives Shamrock a DDT.  Ken kicks out!  Gunn goes for a top rope ax handle and twists his ankle on the landing.  Ankle lock for the win.  Title retained. 

 
 

TO THE BACK.  Shane and the Stooges get Vince pumped up for the Rumble.  I HATE AUSTIN.


Gangrel vs X-Pac WWF European Championship

Why did X-Pac get a personalized version of the DX theme, but the Outlaws didn't?  And what does "Suck it, two tears in a bucket" mean?  Arm drag!  Gangrel is dressed like TAFKATAFKAPI.  Kick combo in the corner.  Gangrel comes back with a double underhook belly to belly.  "Gangrel is like a pittbull."  No, Cole, he's like a vampire.  Fucking asshole.  Flapjack Norton.  Dracula misses a flying elbow drop.  Flip lariat from Kid.  Bronco Buster.  Teddy Long botches a 3 count, clearly counting to 3 and then continuing like nothing happened.  He got a "You fucked up" chant for it.  X Factor for the win.  Title retained.

 
 

TO THE KELLY.  Kevin Kelly talks with DX.  They all say they are going to win.

Shane McMahon is the guest ring announcer for the next match.


Luna vs Sable WWF Women's Championship

Strap Match

What I remember most about this match is Russo in Beyond The Mat telling Sable to sell her back.  Earlier in the night, Luna attacked Sable.  Shane is here to give the title to Luna.  Sable wants the match.  Shane joins on commentary.  He seems to have a thing for Luna.  Shane's catch phrase seems to be FORGETTABOU.  Not forget about it, or even forget about.  FORGETTABOU.  Shane distracted the ref and some fan hit Luna, allowing Sable to win.  "King that's...that's....it's...that's that fan!"  Title retained.

 
 

TO THE BACK.  The Corporation tell each other they're going to win the Rumble.

TO THE DOK.  Rock runs down Mankind and guarandamntees victory tonight.


The Rock vs Mankind WWF Championship

I Quit Match

The main story behind this was that Vince used Mankind as a patsy in the Deadly Games tournament, when he had been backing The Rock the whole time.  Vince redid the Montreal Screwjob to make sure Rock won the WWF Championship.  Mankind would defeat Rock by knock out at IYH: Rock Bottom, but did not get the title.  He would win on Raw the same night as the FPOD and Nitro would never win another Monday night.  Mankind gets on the early offense and can't figure out how to turn the mic on.  "The Rock says you can kiss his aaaaaaaaahh."  Mic to the head.  Repeatedly.  "The Rock is gonna kick your fat aaaaaahhhh!"  Cactus Clothesline.  Mankind goes fucking flying over the ring steps.  Rock trash talks at the announce table and pays for it.  Double arm DDT.  Rock is out from the Mandible Claw.  Foley says he's going to split open the people's eye brow.  Rock puts the ring bell on Mankind's head and rings it a few times, singing along the way.  He tries a Rock Bottom on the SAT, but the table gives way.  They make their way to the entrance area.  Rock DDT on the concrete.  "AH you go piss yourself!"  They climb above the tech area.  Foley gets knocked off on to speakers or something, shooting sparks everywhere and cutting the lights to much of the building.  Shane came out and Rock was asking if Foley was okay.  He then changes his mind and decides he's going to fuck Mankind up.  He handcuffs Mankind back in the ring.  Mankind fights back with his legs and head.  People's Elbow with a chair on Foley's head.  Chair shot 1.  2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10.  Jesus Christ, Rock.  Rock puts the mic to a downed Foley's face and a recording of I QUIT I QUIT I QUIT plays.  Rock wins. New champion!  As gross as ALL 10 of those chair shots were, I don't think any individual one was as gnarly as the one Funk gave Foley in last year's Rumble.  But there were 10 hard and 100% unprotected chair shots to the head in a row.  I'm glad stuff like that doesn't happen any more. Something to consider when people make fun of Mick for forgetting his lines on Raw 20 years later.  Mankind ends up walking out with some help. 

 
 

Royal Rumble

Stone Cold and Vince are numbers 1 and 2.  Chyna will be 30.  Vince comes out shirtless. LOOK AT THE STRIATIONS.  LOOK AT THE MUSCULATURE.  LOOK AT THE POWER.  Austin knocks the shit out of Vince until the next entrant comes in.  GOLGA!  He's eliminated by Austin shortly after he came in.  I'm amazed his Cartman shirt wasn't blurred out.  Vince gets out of the ring and Austin chases him to a bathroom in the second level.   It was an ambush by the Corporation!  Droz is next in to an empty ring.  HE'S GONNA PUKE!  Edge makes his Royal Rumble debut, and baby, we got a stew going.  GILLBERG!  Edge eliminates him immediately.  We see Austin down in the ladies restroom.  In comes Steve Blackman.  Dan Severn.  It always weirded me out that he'd wipe his pits and then his face with the shirt.  Stone Cold is loaded into an ambulance  Tiger Ali Singh (the elitist who doesn't like America, what an original gimmick).  Whole bunch of losers so far.  The Blue Meanie!!!   11 doesn't come out, but then we see Thrasher being smashed by Mabel.  I guess Mabel is taking his place.  He eliminates Severn, Blackman, and Tiger.  Road Dogg is next.  Meanie and Droz were also eliminated by Mabel.  Out goes Edge.  The lights go out.  SABU!  Nah, it's Taker's music.  The Acolytes and Mideon has apparently knocked Mabel over the ropes.  He's abducting and going to sacrifice Mable for breaking his face a few years ago.  Gangrel is in.  He's eliminated with a loud splat.  Lol, Kurrgan.  Al Snow is 15th in and we're half way through this thing.

 
 

Road Dogg eliminates Al while he was trying to eliminate Kurrgan.  Goldust!  He's back to a normal for Goldust look.  He has a painted on beard, though.  The Godfather comes out with only 2 hos.  18 HAS GOTTA BE KANE!  He eliminates everyone in the ring.  But then the white coats came after him.  He eliminates himself and leaves through the crowd.  Ken Shamrock is back.  And so is Vince!  He elects to join commentary instead of fight Shamrock.  Billy Gunn hobble runs in next.  Bootless.  They continue their match.  This is a Test.  We see Mabel still getting his ass kicked. An ambulance arrives.  It's Cold Stone!  He stalks to the ring as Boss Man enters the match.  He's attacked by Shamrock, who is promptly eliminated.  HHH is 23rd in.  Val Venis is...coming to the ring.  Austin eliminates Billy.  X-Pac, who is said to be the lightest RR competitor ever at 210 pounds.  A. I doubt he was 210, and B. I'm sure Gillberg weighed less.  Sexual Chocolate is...coming to the ring.  Jeff Jarrett is 27th.  Debra has quite the set of yams.  D'Lo!  Chest protector and PMS and all.  Austin tosses Test out.  Boss Man chucks X-Pac out.  Jarrett is gone.  Owen is 29th in.

  Chyna is the final entrant and first woman in Rumble history.  She eliminates Mark henry.  Austin eliminates her right after.  Val is out.  HHH is out.  Austin eliminates Owen.  The final four are Austin, McMahon, Boss Man, and D'Lo.  Boss Man tosses D'Lo out.  Boss Man is gone!  We're down to Austin and McMahon again!  Oh look, another unprotected chair shot to the head.  Austin beats up Vince for a while.  Rock comes out and distracts Austin.  Vince wins!  VINCE MCMAHON IS GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!


DQ Count: 0 out of 6 matches.

Decent show.  Rumble itself was not very interesting.  Too many big angles and too much down time with low card guys not doing anything.  Most of all, this show has made me remember that Shane was a gigantic twat.

WWF Royal Rumble 1998

The WWF was on fire and about to really blow up.  WCW was still on top, but Vince was gaining on them.  Stone Cold was the hottest guy in the business, Rock was coming on strong, and Mr. McMahon was just emerging as the greatest heel of all time.

Mike Tyson is in a sky box watching the show tonight.


The Artist Formerly Known as Goldust vs Vader

Goldy got really weird in 1998.  He's wearing a green and purple full length singlet with a g-string on the outside, orange boots, green and black face paint, and a green wig.  He's also dressed up as Sable, a baby, and took to painting "FU" on his face.  It stood for "Forever Unchained" as he publicly walked out on his marriage during a sit down interview and is now paired up with Luna.  Vader is now a face.  Vader pretty quickly knocks Goldy to the floor.  Goldust takes one of the worst looking whips into the stairs as I've ever seen.  He gets some offense in after Vader missed an ass splat.  Luna got some cheap shots in while Vader was on the floor.  Man, I feel weird thinking Luna was hot.  Nice visible "Ted Turner is gay" sign right on hard cam.  Vader gets a big kiss.  He responds with a Western lariatooooooo.  That was pretty rude.  Fucking stiff short arm lariat that didn't look super stiff, but sounded like it really hurt.  Luna distracts the ref, which let Goldy low blow Vader while he was attempting the Vader Bomb.  This match happened in WCW, right?  I swear I remember Dustin doing a double leg take down and fans absolutely losing their shit.  Vader wins after a Vader Bomb with Luna on his back.  Vlad the Superfan sighting! 

 
 

TO THE BACK.  Stone Cold arrives in his truck.  He throws his keys at Michael Cole and tells him to park his truck.  The Godwinns grab Cole and ask where Austin went.  There was a bounty placed on Austin tonight.  Cole looked like such a fucking geek.


Battallion/Tarantula/El Torito vs Max Mini/Nova/Mosaic Special Guest Referee: Sunny

6 man mini lucha action!  I'll just leave you with the gifs since I don't know any of them besides Max Mini.  Max Mini won with a wacky lucha roll up.  So many god damn arm drags.  Fuck.  And King unleashed every terrible and corny short joke imaginable.

 
 

TO THE BACK.  The Nation of Domination break into Stone Cold's locker room, only to find a foam finger in a chair.  We see Vince and Shane watching the minis match with Mike Tyson. 

TO THE BACK. Cole talks with The Rock about his upcoming match with Ken Shamrock.  However, on the Free For All, the NOD were arguing with each other over who would win the Rumble tonight.  Before Rock talks about the match, he makes some comments on the Clinton sex scandal going on at the time.  Not the Lewinsky scandal, but a different one.  Don't be silly, cover it, Willy.


Ken Shamrock vs The Rock WWF Intercontinental Championship

The Rock was still just a nick name, but what he preferred to go by and what was on his trunks.  He was so...puffy.  JR claims that when Shamrock snaps, it's like a rolling ball of kitchen knives.  Shamrock was so jacked.  Shamrock is quicker than Rock and shows it a few times. Rock sells a kick by going over the ropes and half way down the aisle. Shamrock is still in control until Rock counters a rana with a hot shot.  He stomps away while shit talking.  Perfect Plex from Ken.  Rock fucking plants Ken's head in the mat with the float over DDT.  The sound was excellent.  So of course he then goes to rest holds.  Rock tries the DDT again.  Shamrock countered it into a "modified fireman carry", which is a Northern lights suplex to everyone else in the world besides JR.  Rana.  Kama and D'Lo run in, but Ken dispatched of them easily.  D'Lo got his foot stuck in the ropes.  Rock hit Shamrock with brass knuckles, but Shamrock kicked out!  It took forever to get D'Lo out of the ropes.  Shamrock hit the belly to belly.  New champion!  Rock tells the ref to check Shamrock's tights.  The ref finds the brass knuckles in Shamrock's tights, causing the ref to reverse his decision.  Dusty Finish!  Ken snapped and beat up Mike Chioda.  Other refs ran down to stop it and ran away from him. 

 
 

Mike Tyson and Shane McMahon seemed to have enjoyed the match.

WWF HOME VIDEO EXCLUSIVE. Ken Shamrock attacked Rock "moments later" after the match, even though Ken now had jeans and boots on.  Rock called Ken a piece of shit multiple times.

TO THE BACK.  Los Boricuas attack a bald man, thinking it was Stone Cold.  Instead, it was one of the the Harris Brothers.  GANG WARZ!

TO THE BACK.  Cole talks with LOD.  WELLLLL!   They're going to kill the Outlaws.  By 1998, if you were saying something like "I'm going to kick your butt", you were fucking lame.  And Animal's mullet was so uncool.


New Age Outlaws vs Legion of Doom WWF Tag Team Championships

NAO had basically made a joke of LOD in the last few months, including shaving one of Hawk's landing strips.  The first move is Animal powerbombing Road Dogg.  The Outlaws decide to just leave.  LOD chases them and brings them back to the ring.  Hawk was knocking the shit out of Road Dogg.  Road Dogg might be for real missing a tooth already.  Billy gets tagged in, yells "YOU SUCK" and immediately gets his ass kicked.  STF from Hawk. It looked awful.  Animal is distracted and taken to the floor, where he is rammed into the steps and kicked repeatedly in the injured backed.  Hawk looks bloated as fuck.  He does his patented "I'm gonna run into the ring post as hard as I can and fall on my head" spot.  Road Dogg handcuffs Hawk to the ring post.  Animal nearly wins with a powerslam, but Road Dogg broke the pin with a chair, causing a disqualification.  Hawk ripped the handcuffs off and stopped the beat down. 

 
 

TO THE BACK.  We see Austin's truck.  Mildred Bowers won Stone Cold's truck!

Highlight package of Stone Cold fucking everyone up lately.


Royal Rumble

Cactus Jack drew number 1!  I always lol when I hear his WCW song dubbed on shows.  Chainsaw Charlie drew number 2!  It's a hardcore rumble.  Funk bends a chair over Foley's back.  Funk begs for Foley to give him a chair shot to the head.  Foley did.  Cactus then lets Funk CRACK HIM IN THE FUCKING HEAD FULL FORCE JESUS CHRIST.  It was no fucking joke.  The sound was disgusting.  They stop fighting for the next entrant, Tom Brandi.  You know, Salvatore Sincere.  And he's immediately tossed out. Funk is suplexed on to 2 open chairs.  The Rock is 4th in.  He gets a trash can to the face.  He's knocked to the floor through the ropes.  In comes Mosh.  Funk kind of hits a moonsault.  Phineas Godwinn is the next in the ring.  Godwinns were way better as creepy rednecks instead of goofy fun loving hillbillies, but they were still awful.  In comes 8 Ball.  Fucking Harris Twins.  I can't escape them in any era or company.  Cactus is eliminated.  Blackjack Bradshaw hits the ring.  It's Owen Hart!!!  Mike Tyson marks the fuck out for Owen, but Double J and Corny attack Owen as he's coming to the ring.  Steve Blackman is in next.  D'Lo!  The ring is getting pretty full.  D'Lo and Rock go at it with each other.  It's my big homie Kurrgan!  He promptly eliminates Mosh.  WHATTAMARC Mero.  Sable looks so trashy now.  JR immediately buries Mero for his lack of charisma.  Out goes Blackman.  Ken Shamrock!  Rock better run.  He knocks Kurggan down and then he is eliminated Andre style.  Thrasher is 15th in and we're half way through this match.

 
 

D'Lo and Rock have been going at it for like 10 minutes now.  Mankind!  He picks back up with Funk and eliminates him.  Funk lasted 25 minutes. Shamrock finally finds Rock and knocks the shit out of him in the corner for a bit.  Goldust is next in, now wearing a completely different outfit of a silver jumpsuit with lingerie over it and red fish net stockings.  He eliminates Mankind.  Jeff Jarrett, the NWA North American Champion, is next in.  Owen comes back out to get his revenge on Jeff.  He does the best elimination so far by skinning the cat and throwing Jeff out mid strut.  Next in is the Honky Tonk Man.  FUCK.  Triple H and Chyna came out behind him.  Rock eliminates Shamrock.  Chyna swings one crutch at Owen.  He caught it, but it opened him up for HHH to hit him with the other, eliminating him.  Ahmed Johnson and his kidneys enter next.  BIG T.  Fat fuck already.  Mizark Henry is in to split some wigs.  "Henry is handling the big Johnson."  Someone throws some coke.  The next entrant is....no one.  Ahmed and Phineas are out.  Phineas crushed a ref on his way out.  Papa Shango!  I wish.  Stone Cold! OHH HECK YEAH!  The action stops and Austin attacks from the crowd!  Out goes Mero.  And 8 Ball.  Henry Godwinn is in.  Savio is next in, but the rest of the Boricuas also hit the ring to attack Austin.  Savio must still be pissed about that strap match.  Faarooq is 27, which is the luckiest number.  He goes right after all the Nation members still in the match.  Austin and Rock brawl on the floor.  Dude Love!  Foley has the highest odds to win tonight.  Bradshaw is eliminated.  People's Elbow to D'Lo.  Chainz.  Fuck of, Fakertaker.  And the final man in is VADER!  HTM is finally out.  Out goes Thrasher.  And Kama.  And Savio.  Austin is on a tear.  Goldy eliminates Vader.  HOG eliminates himself.  Out goes Goldy.  Eliminates are coming fast.  Chainzzzzzzz is gone.  And Mark Henry.  All with in about 3 minutes.  The final four are Austin, Rock, Faarooq, and Dude Love.  Faarooq tosses Dude out.  Rock eliminates Faarooq.  Stunner!  STONE COLD STONE COLD STONE COLD IS GOING TO WRESTLEMAINA!!!!

TO THE COLE.  Cold Stone is Tyson's main man!  COLD STONE COLD STONE COLD STONE IS GOING TO WRESTLEMANIA!!!!

 
 

Shawn Michaels vs The Undertaker WWF Championship

Casket Match

In all 3 title matches tonight, the champion came out first.  I hate that.  I also hate the Rumble not being the main event.  The backdrop that "ended HBK's career" happens very early on in the match.  It really looked like he barely hit the casket.  His ass nicked it on the way down.  The press slam on the floor where he also hit the ring apron probably did more damage.  Old school.  All but HBK's hand is in the casket.  He had a hidden bag of coke in there and blinds Taker.  But only for a moment.  Taker does his "let's try to break my fucking knees" ring steps spot.  HBK then slams the steps on Taker's back a couple of times.  Piledriver on the steps!  Probably my favorite HBK/Taker spot.  It sounded disgusting and great.  Taker is in the casket!  He climbs out and decks HHH just for fun.  Shawn hits the Macho elbow.  Superkick!  Taker handles the big Johnson and starts throwing HBK all around.  Taker misses a flying lariatoo and rolls in the casket.  HBK decides to drop a flying elbow INTO the casket.  Both men are in with the lid shut.  I bet HBK is giving Taker a reciprocal reach around in there.  Chokeslam.  Tombstone off the apron INTO the casket!  The Outlaws and Boricuas hit the ring and ambush Taker.  Shades of of that other time 20 heels put Taker in a casket.  IT'S KANE!  THAT'S GOTTA BE KANE!  Kane takes them all out.  Then he attacks Taker.  Chokeslam into the casket.  The lid is shut.  HBK wins. Championship retained. 

 
 

However, Kane and Paul locked the casket, smashed it up with an ax, and set it on fire.  I always wondered how they did that stunt.  Was there a trap door that allowed Taker to roll under the ring?  Was there a second compartment in the casket that he hid in? 

 
 

DQ Count: 2 out of 6 matches.

Pretty fun show over all, even if there weren't any particularly great matches.  It was more the energy of the crowd, wrestlers, and announcers. 

WWF Royal Rumble 1997

Goldust vs HHH WWF Intercontinental Championship

"Goldust is now a fan favorite."  Well, thanks for filling me in, Vince.  Recently, Goldy turned faced when King called him a queer and a fag on TV.  HHH tried to steal Marlena and Goldy got pissed.  HHH now has Mr. Hughes as his bodyguard. Gross.  Goldy attacks in the aisle.  The first offensive move from HHH is an inverted atomic drop.  He's quickly sling shot over the rope.  I will never understand why so many Rumble shows have guys thrown over the top rope in all the matches before the Rumble. Goldy drops those super heavy super strong super super stairs right on HHH's back.  Lariato.  The son of a son of a plumber, at home in Texas, if you wheel.  HHH doing a double ax handle from the top to the floor.  How strange.  There is so much brawling and stair usage on the floor that both Vince and JR think the match should have ended in a DQ or at least a count out. Goldy controls the match and the pace with leg work. Being a face means he gets to bring back his missed cross body roll to the floor bump.  So much brawling on the floor. The match gets so boring that they cut to Todd talking to some country singer. Goldy misses a top rope elbow.  Of course.  Hughes slides the title into the ring.  HHH kisses Marlena.  Goldy uses the title.  Hughes pulls HHH out of the ring before the 3 count.  HHH then won clean with the pedigree.  Lol.  All that shit just for a clean finish.  Title retained.

EARLIER TODAY.  Bret cut a promo to himself saying he's always been a marked man and he can't go back any farther.  Elsewhere, Mankind sees the Rumble as a chance to hurt a lot of people.

Faarooq vs Ahmed Johnson

Look at all these scary black men! And two scrawny white guys rapping. Ahmed runs to the ring and beats the shit out of Faarooq as JR screams about TAKING IT TO THE STREETS.  Then JR calls the NOD a pack of dogs. Maybe he meant dawgs.  Ahmed gets a belt and whips Faarooq, which seems to give JR a boner.  Why am I not surprised he would really enjoy a black man getting whipped?  Eventually, Faarooq uses young and fat D'Lo as a weapon and then slams Ahmed kidneys first onto the back of a standing chair. Faarooq gets caught talking too much shit and dropped in an electric chair. Ahmed's momentum is halted with a spinebuster. Ahmed's RAGE allows him to no sell and hit his own spinebuster.  Members of the NOD hit the ring and cause a DQ. Wolfie D gets press slammed over the top.  JR continues to call the NOD a street gang and pack of dogs.  "One big bad Johnson." This one remaining dude gets PRP'd through the French announce table.

EARLIER TODAY.  Terry Funk talks about winning the Rumble in his home state.

TO THE TODD.  Todd gets words with the Nation.  Faarooq singles out some skinny dude and a woman for not staying out there when he needed them.  Then he calls Ahmed an Uncle Tom.

Vader vs Undertaker

Another match that should have been a dream match, but I find it hard to get too excited about it since Vader lost all of his confidence after working with HBK.  Vader knocks Taker down multiple times.  He continually pops back up, so Vader just leaves the match.  Great way to book Vader.  Being a chickenshit heel with guys like Yoko and Taker and a soft pussy against guys like HBK.  Vader has to resort to low blows and cheating.  What a waste of Vader.  Vince McMahon, the guy who claims to book big men better than anyone ever, has made Vader a completely ordinary dude in under a year.  Really only took about 3 months.  This match is boring and both guys look bored.  Taker no sells a powerbomb.  Why not?  Paul Bearer saunters to ringside.  Taker beats him up. Taker tries a Stinger Splash using the steps as a boost and hits the guardrail instead. Paul jumps off the apron and rolls because he's FAT. Vader wins with the Vader Bomb.  This has been a shit show so far. Taker chokeslams the ref after the match because we are in the era of everyone is a dick. He even gets in Vince's face and says something that I'm sure only 40 people in the world understood.

EARLIER TODAY.  Cameras caught Austin's thoughts on the Rumble.  Elsewhere, they caught the Bulldog entering the building and claiming he was going to win because he's BIZARRE.

Jerry Estrada/Heavy Metal/Fuezra Guerrera vs Hector Garza/Perro Aguayo/Canek

SEE WE CAN DO CRUISERWEIGHTS TOO GOD DAMN IT PAL! Heavy Metal and Garza start the match.  Crowd is SILENT.  "If you're just joining us..."  Who tunes into a PPV over an hour in?  King is a mark for Canek.  This certainly is not a WCW 6 man cruiser match.  It's full on goofy lucha in front of a massive crowd that does not give a single shit about it.  This is not good.  At all.  I don't think this is a good way to introduce WWF fans to lucha.  Perro wins for his team with a mostly missed double stop. This show sucks. "True matadors of the World Wrestling Federation."  

Royal Rumble

Crush drew number 1.  Ahmed drew number 2. Fake Razor is in and just as quickly out. Ahmed then eliminates himself to run after Faarooq.  PIG.  Fuck him.  STONE COLD STONE COLD STONE COLD HAS ENTERED THE RUMBLE!  PIG eliminates Crush and is promptly hit with the stunner and eliminated.  Bart Gunn is in. Fuck him.  And he's out.  Jake Roberts enters and tries to get revenge for KOTR 1996.  Bulldog enters as Jake is eliminated.  It's Perroth! Fuck him.  No one cares.  My god.  It's THE SULTAN! Fuck him.  He's here to make a difference! Mil Mascaras.  Fuck him.  Fuck this show.  Hunner is in at 12.  Bulldog eliminates Sultan.  Austin knocks the shit out of HHH.  Owen!  It's Owen!  The king of Harts!  Owen eliminates Bulldog on "accident".  Goldust enters and we're almost half way through this, which can only be a good thing.  Cibernetico enters at 15 to no reaction.

This show has been so boring and shitty.  This Rumble itself has been shitty.  Marc Mero! Fuck him.  Mil eliminates the lucha dudes and then eliminates himself by jumping from the top rope to the floor for no reason.  Goldy gets revenge and eliminates HHH.  Latin Lover!  Fuck him.  Faarooq!  Fuck him.  Ahmed comes back and eliminates him with a novelty sized board.  Savio Vega! Fuck him. And he's gone.  So is everyone else.  Austin is the only one in the ring.  Jesse James!  Fuck him. He's gone. It's Bret Clark!  Finally, something to give a shit about.  King enters, and is immediately punched out and finishes his sentence.  It's the Diesel Kane!  Fuck him.  Terry Funk! Funk him.  Rocky Maivia!  Fuck him.  Mankind!  Okay.  Seems weird to enter the ring just to sit down and rock.  He and Funk renew their rivalry.  Flash Funk!  Funk him. Vader! Fuck him.  I ain't got time for a pussy Vader who is afraid to hit people hard.  Henry Godwinn!  Fuck him.  Undertaker! Whatever.  I'm ready for this to end and there is still another match after this. Whatever.  Here's how it ends.  Austin gets eliminated, but the refs didn't see.  He jumps back in and wins. Stone Cold Stone Cold Stone Cold is going to Wrestlemania! Bret throws a fit.  Instead of Shitman, Austin should have called him Bitchman.  

EARLIER TODAY.  JR talked to HBK on Superstars. HBK looks like he's been up for 8 weeks.  

Shawn Michaels vs Sid WWF Championship

Shawn only dropped the title so he could win it back in San Antonio and vacate it as soon as the plan was for him to drop it to Bret.  Bret immediately pounds the shit out of Sid and knocks him to the floor with ease.  Whatever.  Fuck this match.  Fuck this show.  HBK wins via superkick.  New champion.  Who gives a shit?  I don't.       

 

This show SUCKED.  God, what a boring bullshit show.  Especially a bummer coming off momentum of the prior 3 PPVs.  This was not good at all.  AT ALL.  Fuck.

 

WWF Royal Rumble 1995

TO THE BACK.  A white limo arrives, much to the excitement of Dink.  It's Pamela Anderson!  All the dudes are around trying to fuck her.  She wasn't interested.  Especially not in Mable, because Canadians appear to be frightening of black people.  BUT WHO WAS LIMO?!?!

Transient

Vince McMahon and Jerry Lawler will handle announcing duties this year.  I always thought Vince held mics strangely.  Only a true blue-blood would hold the mic that way.  His palm and inside of his fingers never touched the mic.  Only his finger tips.

 

Jeff Jarrett vs Razor Ramon WWF Intercontinental Championship

On the go home Raw, Double J lost via roll up to Bret Hart.  The week before, Razor was down and out and about to lose the title to Owen when Bret stopped the match like a dick head.  That finished really bothered me as a kid.  While Owen cost Bret the WWF Championship at Survivor Series, I thought it made Bret look like a real shit head to return after 2 months off just to make sure Owen couldn't win a title when he had Razor out and in the sharpshooter.  That's some PG Era WWE face bullshit right there.  Anyway, my point was that both guys are coming off loses (basically, Razor was DONE, but ended up losing by DQ instead of losing the title), so the IC curse was alive even in the New Generation.  

Jeff tries to open the action early and gets the taste slapped out of his mouth.  Repeatedly.  Fall away slam.  Short chokeslam.  Tonight, Razor is in all yellow.  Jeff is wearing mostly white with patches of black polka dots, some of which appear to be stars or planets.  Jeff out wrassles the champ and does a lot of strutting.  About 700 wrist lock counters later, Jeff gets Razor on the mat and tussles his hair.  How disrespectful.  Finally Jeff gets decked and lariatooed to the floor.  Good thing Roadie is out there to give him some water.  Razor goes for some shoulder work and Jeff starts throwing dropkicks.  Ol' Double J seems to have the champ's number.  Jeff hits a TERRIBLE diving clothesline.  USWA level shit right there.  Tighten it up a little, Jeff.  I must say, Razor doesn't look very good in this.  Not just  the booking with Jeff just about dominating the match, but he looks sluggish, is bumping weird, and his face looks a little off.  I'm not saying Scott Hall was fucked up in this match, but he is Scott Hall.  Double J goes balls first into the ring post.  Jeff stands out of position for the second rope bulldog, so Razor does a second rope Baba style falling lariatoo.  Shortly after, Razor gets sent over the top rope, tweaking his knee along the way.  As he is out there, Roadie chop blocks him.  Jeff WANTS A COUNT OUT WIN IN A TITLE MATCH AS A CHALLENGER because he's a dumb dumb.  And then he gets mad when he realizes that he didn't win the belt.  Then he says he didn't come here to get his hand raised and pretty much calls Razor a pussy if he doesn't restart the match.  Razor agrees to restart the match.  Jeff goes right after the bad leg.  Razor keeps throwing Diva's Specials, but none end the match.  Figure four!  Razor punches his way out of it.  He's RAZING UP!  Jeff counters the back superplex in mid air, which Razor then counters into a pin for a 2 count.  Lariatooo.  Razor's Edge fails when Razor's knee gives out.  Small package.  New champion!  Not a very interesting match, and oddly booked.  Jeff dominated probably 80% of the match, repeatedly showed Razor up, and beat him twice.  The first win was stupid as fuck with Jeff seeming to want a count out win, then getting mad about being a fucking idiot and wanting the match restarted.

Transient
Transient

TO THE BACK.  Stephanie Someone was supposed to talk to Double J, but he wasn't there, so we got to see Todd Pettengill in Pam Anderson's locker room.  We get to see all the gifts the roster gave to her.  Then we go back to Stephanie, talking to Double J.  He's on his way to go fuck Pam Anderson.  

 

IRS vs The Undertaker

This is a continuation of the Taker vs Taker feud, but FakerTaker is done, so Taker gets to be stuck with the MDC for the next year.  I guess this is the closest we'll get to Taker vs Bray.  Or BO.  I think I'd rather see Big Evil Taker vs Bo.  Or maybe Bo vs early dead as fuck Taker.  Just so he could try to motivate him on how to live and get his ass kicked.  Whole lot of stalling from IRS.  God damn, that giant urn is ridiculous.  The match finally starts and IRS gets a big boot.  Tie toss!  This was still in the era when Taker was slow as fuuuuuuuck at everything.  Old School.  It's kind of interesting that move didn't have a name for over a decade.  IRS barely misses punching Ted in the face.  Money Inc seems to be having some issues.  Ted brings out some druids.  This...is not good.  A second Old School is countered with an arm drag, but the bump is missed because a druid was in the way.  Taker is thrown to the floor and tries to fuck with the druids.  IRS attacks from behind and now we get to the abdominal stretch spot.  I swear IRS sweats more in a 10 minute wrestling match made mostly of stalling than I do after 3 hours of bike riding.  Lariatoo.  This sucks.  Not surprising since the New Generation sucks.  They have a collision mid ring and a druid places IRS over Taker for a 2 count.  I think it was Tatanka.  Taker sits up and goes for a tombstone, fighting off the druids at the same time.  IRS gets free and hits another lariato, but doesn't bother to go for a pin or anything.  Just hangs out waiting for Taker to sit up.  Chokeslam for the win.  This match SUCKED.  It's amazing how good Taker was, but wasn't able to show it for SIX YEARS in WWE.  Thank god Mick Foley was hired.  The druids get a beat down after the match.  One is definitely Jimmy Del Rey.  King Kong Bundy shows up for a stare down and IRS steals the giant urn.  Taker gets distracted and hit with maybe the worst elbow drop of all time.  Bundy continues to squash Taker in the ring.  I wonder how Vince could sit out there and not be super pissed at such shitty matches and Bundy doing such bad looking elbows.  Taker is barely able to sit up with the encouragement of the WWF Solar System.  He stumbles to the back like a drunk piece of shit.

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EARLIER TONIGHT.  Tod Pettengill got some words with Diesel.  But not many, because Diesel doesn't want to talk.  Elsewhere, he spoke with Bret Hart.  Bret is kind of heelish here, saying he doesn't care if people want him to get the title shot or what he has to do to win the title, and he doesn't care that people like Diesel.  He likes Diesel himself, but this is war.  

 

Bret Hart vs Diesel WWF Championship

LOL Bret totally blows this guy off in the front row.  He gives his glasses to a kid beside the guy, and the guy seems pissed that he wasn't giving them to his kid.  Then Bret pulls out a second pair and gives them to another kid.  The guy then wants a handshake and Bret completely ignores him.  Diesel comes out to the glass shattering.  Some glorious hair on the WWF Champion.  He gives some dap to Lawrence Taylor, who is sitting in the front row.  Bret doesn't seem to want to follow the Code of Honor (of fist bumps).  Diesel immediately shows off his strength advantage by throwing Bret into the corner.  Bret shows his technical and speed advantage by tying Diesel up and tripping him into the ropes.  And then the fists start flying.  Bret is sent over the top rope.  They're fighting on the apron and they are really going at it, especially for two faces.  The top two faces at that.  Bret grabs Diesel's leg from the floor and rams it into the ring post a few times.  No height advantage when you can't stand.  He continues the leg work back in the ring.  Figure four!  Rope break.  Bret should have been disqualified for not letting go of the hold.  Earl counted to four and just stopped and Bret kept the hold on another 5 seconds after that.  Right back to the figure four, this time in the center of the ring.  Another rope break.  Bret again won't break the hold.  What the fuck, Earl.  He starts and restarts the count 4 times and doesn't DQ Bret.  He does grab Bret's hair while he's kicking Diesel in the ropes, though.  Bret gives him a stern warning and then does a suicide dive.  Diesel gets posted, but Bret is sent into the ring steps.  Diesel hits his elbows in the corner.  Big side walk slam.  Flying teabag on the ropes.  Back breaker into a bow and arrow type of submission.  Bret rolls out of it.  This is pretty dope.  This is almost like a heel vs heel match with how aggressive both are being.  Canadian backbreaker from the champ.  Bret breaks it and turns it into a sleeper.  Diesel gets out with a hair yank.  Big boot!  BronsonLee approved.  Elbow drop that looks 10000% better than Bundy's from earlier.  Bret comes back with a second rope lariato.  He goes up top and is caught with a press slam, which he is able to counter into a pin, but Diesel kicks out WITH AUTHORITY.  Bret goes back to using the ring post and ties Diesel's legs around the ring post with his wrist tape. Then he gets in the ring and stomps the shit out  of him.  Running bulldog.  Russian leg sweep.  Bret is able to show his strength by hitting the back breaker.  Second rope elbow.  Almost more of a splash.  Diesel is sent over the top with a lariato, but he lands on his feet.  Bret comes out with a pescado only to be caught and rammed into the ring post.  Time for a jackknife.  Jackknife!  HBK hits the ring and breaks the pin.  What a piece of shit!  LOL at Vince saying HBK would be "out of here forever " if he attacked a ref.  Earl decrees that the match MUST CONTINUE!  Both men struggle to get up.  Bret goes back to the leg, which HBK also attacked during his run in.  Figure four!  Again!  Diesel breaks it with HEART PUNCHES.  That's kind of awesome.  Bret gets Diesel's leg all wrapped up in the ropes and again won't break the hold, despite MULTIPLE counts to break.  Diesel is all over the ribs that were injured from the ring post earlier.  Gut wrench suplex from Diesel!  Diesel over extends his leg trying to choke Bret in the corner and Bret uses the ring post again.  And now he hits the knee with a chair.  Still no disqualification.  Vince tries to claim that Bret missed.  Fans actually BOO Bret back in the ring, but start cheering again when he locks on the sharpshooter.  Vince acknowledges the boos.  Owen runs in and breaks the hold, then Bret does the sternum bump with an exposed turnbuckle.  Earl again decrees that the match MUST CONTINUE.  Diesel crawls to make a cover.  TWO COUNT FALL!  Diesel tries to use the buckle, but Bret is able to send Diesel into it instead.  Bret throws about 7 punches before Diesel goes down.  But Diesel pops up and elbows the fuck out of Bret.  Bret falls through the ropes, getting tangled up along the way.  Diesel heads over with a chair, but Bret is freed before it could be used.  Bret falls in the ring, clutching at his knee.  Small package, it was a SWERVE!  Bret goes for an O'Connor Roll, but stupid Earl was in the ring.  Ref bump.  HBK, Owen, Bob Backlund, Jeff Jarrett, and The Roadie all hit the ring and attack both me.  Officials fill the ring and the match is ruled a draw due to outside interference.  The two share a handshake and hug after the heels are cleared from the ring.

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Man, this match was great.  By New Generation standards, it was 5 stars for sure.  It was a war the whole time, with both guys doing whatever it took to win/keep the title.  Bret especially was about as close to full on heel as he would be before 1997.  So much so that he actually got booed, even if just momentarily.  Bret and Nash had great chemistry.  Even their last match in 2000 with Bret wrestling in his jorts and being concussed and Nash being Kevin Nash in WCW was good stuff.  For anyone thinking that Nash was just some big lazy lug, this should be proof that he was highly capable when he needed to be.  Everyone came out of this looking great and the title really comes off as super important when the top two faces are doing whatever possible to win it/hold on to it.  High, high quality stuff, even with the non-finish. 

 

TO THE BACK.  Todd is still in Pam's dressing room and gets to give her her dress.  I think he came.  Elsewhere, Stephanie speaks with Bob Holly and 123 Kid.  They are in the finals of the tag team championship tournament tonight.  Bobcore looks like he's never seen a microphone or a camera in his life.

King has some fun with the Magistrator.  He draws himself kissing Pam from her entrance at the start after the show.  They're going to fuck after the show.  

 

Bam Bam Big Yellow/Tatanka vs 123 Kid/Bob Holly WWF Tag Team Championships

Tatanka and Bob start the match.  I'm sure it is some kind of commentary on the native Americans against the American auto something something something 'cism.  Hardcore throws a lot of dropkicks and head scissors.  Tatanka was getting fat as fuck.  Bam Bam tags in and literally runs through the punks.  Kid gets tossed around like a...kid.  Suck it.  Huge pop up rana from Kid.  Bam Bam doesn't give a fuck and hits an enzuiguri right away.  Kid settles into the FIP role.  Bam Bam gets back dropped over the top.  By the Kid.  Somehow.  Stereo cross bodies are caught , but the heels are bumbling idiots and gets rammed into each other anyway.  Hardcore is also sent over the ropes.  Maybe on the night of the Royal Rumble, you shouldn't have multiple over the top rope spots in all of the matches on the card.  More bumbling idiocy from the heels.  You'd think a guy as rich as DiBiase could get his team on the same page.  I'd rather just see Kid vs Bam Bam.  All other combos are really uninteresting.  Especially Tatanka vs Holly.  And it feels like that has been going on for an hour.  Hot tag to Kid.  He's flying all over the place.  Vince calls a helo the moonsault.  Kid is press slammed over the top.  Bammer goes for a moonsault.  Tatanka wasn't paying attention and ran into the ropes, causing Bam Bam to fall.  After a LONG delay, Kid rolls on top of Bam Bam for the win.  New champions!  Bam Bam's face got all fucked up from a missile dropkick.  Bam Bam walks around ringside as fans laugh at him.  LT is one of those fans and gets shoved on his ass.  Holy shit, my sociology/AP European history teacher from high school was right near the action.  I knew he lived in Tampa, but that's my favorite teacher.  I'm 99% sure that was him standing there cheering for LT.

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TO THE BACK.  HBK got a pre-Rumble promo has him promise to knock everyone out of the ring and be the winner of the Rumble, because this is the year of HBK.  We're shown the finish of last year's Rumble.  Elsewhere, Lex cuts a promo of his own.  Dude has been completely off the radar since WMX.  He's sick of being a contender and he's ready to fulfill his destiny.  Lexberto Del Rio.  

Vince apologizes to LT.  Fink introduces Pamela Anderson.  The winner this year not only goes to the main event of WM, but also gets to walk out with Pam

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Royal Rumble

The number one entrant is...SHAWN MICHAELS!  British Bulldog has drawn number 2.  HBK immediately attacks.  This year, the rules have changed a bit as the time between entrances has been cut to 60 seconds instead of 2 minutes or 90 seconds.  Bulldog bounces HBK all over the ring.  3rd in is a FUCKING HARRIS BROTHER GOD DAMN IT.  FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.  Duke the Dumpster is in at 4.  Jimmy Del Rey is in at 5.  This shit is too fast.  But it is actually a blessing because the New Generation roster is pretty fucking garbage.  No pun intended, Duke.  Barbarian is in at 6.  The gigolo is the first man eliminated.  In comes Dr. Tom.  If only JDR could have stayed in for 25 more seconds.  HBK escapes a press slam elimination from Barb.  Doink!  So far in this match: A male stripper, a garbage man, a clown, a gigolo, a savage islander.  And now Kwang, a Puerto Rican pretending to be a masked Japanese man.  And I guess Dr. Tom is a doctor.  Of what, I'm not sure.  Pain?  Love?  Bad haircuts seems the most likely.  Rick Martel!  Now we have a model.  Owen Hart!  Now we have a true king.  The King of Harts.  But Bret attacks Owen in the aisle.  I guess he is kind of justified this time, but he did the same thing to Owen that Owen did to him.  Maybe they're even now.  One of the Well Dunn guys is in.  HBK backdrops Dumpster over the ropes right on to Earl Hebner, who wasn't paying attention at all.  Well Dunn 1 takes an amazing corner bump.  I think he was trying to Flair Flop out of the ring, but fucked everything up.  He's eliminated, as are Martel and Dr. Tom.  And then Doink.  Harris Brother and Barb eliminate each other as Bushwhacker Luke enters.  He is immediately tossed out and we are back to just HBK and Bulldog.  ANOTHER FUCKING HARRIS BROTHER FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK GOD DAMN IT.  Thankfully HBK eliminates him right away.  15th in is King Kong Bundy.  Fucking gross.  Dude is legit a walking egg.  I guess Owen made it to the ring and was eliminated, which was missed and no one noticed for a few minutes until it was shown on replay.

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MO makes his surprise return at 16 and is eliminated in 3 seconds by Bundy.  Bad news for Bundy: Mabel is the next entrant and is there for revenge for his fallen partner.  Next in is Butch.  Mabel eliminates Bundy.  And immediately tossed out.  HBK holds on as Lex Luger enters the ring.  He immediately dumps Mabel.  The Allied Powers try to eliminate the Texan, because world politics I guess. Mantaur!  Jeeeeeezus this might be the worst line up ever for a Rumble.  ALDO MONTOYA.  This is just incredible.  Henry Godwinn.  Fuck.  This keeps getting worse.  So many terrible wrestlers and terrible gimmicks.  Billy Gunn!  It's sad when Smoking Gunn era Billy is a good entrant.  Next in is Bart.  Surely the cowboys should be going after the guy who is part bull, right?  Bart is at least.  MR. BACKLUND!  Finally, a legit entrant.  Bret Hart attacks him as well.  Bret is a bit of a sore loser.  Guess we should have seen his turn coming all along.  Other Well Dunner.  I swear Vince didn't even know the guy's name.  Backlund rolls in the ring and is dumped out by Lex.  Bret and Backlund fight to the back.  It's DICK MURDOCH!!!  He punches EVERY PERSON in the ring, because that's the kind of guy he is.  He should have been in No Holds Barred with Stan Hansen.  Adam Bomb is in at 28.  His push really died off long before he turned face.  But then it died even more after that.  It's Fatu.  Uso Crazy.  Lex dumps Mantaur.  The final entrant is Crush.  Shakabruddah.  He dumps the Smoking Gunns out.  Well Did is done.  Dick makes the same mistake with Fatu as he did with Afa in the 80s: Trying to headbutt a Samoan.  Sadly he didn't do the amazing sell job like he did in the 80s since he was already on the mat when he tried it.  HBK tosses Aldo out.  Crush dumps Fatu.  Dropkick from Dick Murdoch!  Airplane spin!  HBK walks into HOG's feet and then they fall over the top.  Dick was eliminated, but Henry held on.  Henry is tossed.  The final four are Lex, Bulldog, HBK, and Crush.  HBK eliminates Lex.  Bulldog eliminates Crush going after HBK.  HBK is clotheslined over the ropes.  Bulldog's music plays.  He's going to Wrasslemania!  But wait, only ONE of HBK's feet hit the floor.  He's back in and eliminates Bulldog.  Shawn Michaels is going to Wrasslemania!  HBK celebrates his win with Pam Anderson and kind of tries to fuck her right in the ring.  I would watch a porn of prime HBK and prime Pam.  Would have been dope, I'm sure.

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I'd like to point out that the go home show for the Rumble ended with a main event of Fink vs Wippleman in a tuxedo match.  Fink won and spent the last 4 minutes of the show in his underwear stomping around with the Bushwhackers.  The line up for the Rumble itself was TERRIBLE.

 

A male stripper, Ozark redneck hillbilly twins, a hog farmer, a garbage man, two savage islanders, a gigalo, whatever Well Dunn was, Bushwhackers, Humpty Dumpty, rappers, a guy who is apparently part bull, a guy who wears a jock strap on his face, two cowboys.  Rumble itself sucked, but it was also really short so not that hard to sit through.  IRS/Taker was complete garbage.  Absolute trash.  Razor/Jeff was okay at best, but not very good.  The tag match was okay.  Bret vs Diesel was GREAT.  One of the best matches from either guy.  It's really, really good.  Dudes went to war, both were cheating and being dirty even though they were the two top faces, because that's what the title meant to them.  It was great.  The fans turning on Bret for cheating so much, but then cheering again when he locked on the sharpshooter was such a weird moment.

WWF Royal Rumble 1994

This intro music is pretty fucking dope. I've never heard it before or after for a WWE PPV. Vince gives us a run down of the card, then geta shocking SURPRISE announce partner for the show: Ted DiBiase.


Tatanka vs Bam Bam Bigelow

How did Tatanka already have a muscle gut developing? He was still in his early 30s. That seems a bit early to be developing that. Tatanka takes some big bumps in this, mostly at his own hands. I think the bloom was off Tatanka by this point, and this match is not very interesting. Bam Bam was clearly the better guy in the ring, and he lost to a top rope crossbody after missing a moonsault. It was short enough to not be terribly offensive, at least.


TO THE TODD. Is this the last year they used the blue backdrop set for backstage promos? Anyway, the Harts are talking about what they're going to do as tag champions. They're so happy to be reunited and on the same page.


Bret Hart/Owen Hart vs The Quebecers WWF Tag Team Championships

I always liked Bret's paint stained gear. I don't know what sense it made, but I liked it. Shout out to Johnny Polo. All these Canadians. Lol at Owen having to change all of his spots around because The Mountie sucked. I wonder what a long term Bret/Owen team could have done. The big problem being there weren't really many good teams for them to work with in 1994. I'd love to see Bret and Owen do the sternum bump at the same time. Harts control the opening parts of the match, but the Mounties take control after some cheating. From there, Bret is stuck as the FIP, with Owen inadvertently doing more harm than good trying to help. Owen gets the hot tag and starts clearing house. One of the most underrated belly to bellies of all time, in my opinion. Owen gets his own FIP segment. Raven low-bridges Bret, with Bret injuring his leg on his fall to the floor. The Mounties keep working on the leg on the floor, much to Owen's exasperation. This continues in the ring until Bret collapses trying the Sharpshooter. The official stopped the match, declaring the Quebecers the winners. Titles retained. Owen throws a fit after the match, screaming at Bret that he should have been tagged. After Bret struggles to get up, Owen kicks him in the leg. MY GOD! Officials check on Bret in the ring. Ray Rougeau comes in and tries to get some words, but Pat Patterson won't allow it. Considering Ray's brother just helped cause this injury, it seems insulting that he'd be the one to try to get the interview.


TO THE TODD. Todd caches up with Owen in the back. WHY OWEN, WHY? Bret is too SELFISH. That's why he kicked Bret's leg out of his leg. 


IRS vs Razor Ramon WWF Intercontinental Championship

For some reason, Vince and Ted switch off to JR and Gorilla Monsoon. Razor's aqua gear is on point tonight. Too bad this is no doubt going to be boring as shit. For one, IRS, the world's most sweatiest man, hasn't had an interesting match since he was in the Varsity Club. Second, Razor is a really boring face 90% of the time. I'm expecting a long abdominal stretch spot in this. Oh shit, long CHIN LOCK spot. Excuse me. God, IRS is literally DRIPPING with sweat in the headlock. You've barely done anything, man. What the fuck? Bo Dallas must wet himself down so much to hide that he suffers from the same condition. Ref bump. Razor hits IRS with the briefcase, but with no ref, it doesn't matter.As he goes for the Razor's Edge, HBK runs in to hit him with Shawn's fake IC title. IRS wins! New champion! Earl Hebner comes out and tells Joey Marella what happened, so the match is restarted. Frankl, that's bullshit. Razor cheated first. Earl running down to say NO IRS CHEATED is some shit. He should have come down and thrown the match out entirely. You biased fuck. Razor hits the Razor's Edge and gets the win, even though the match was never announced to have restarted. So not only did Razor cheat first, then was bailed out by the ref for no reason, but then he attacked a dude who didn't even know the match was restarted. And people think WWE faces are dicks in 2016. 


Recap of the Taker/Yoko feud, with Taker building caskets and whatnot.


The Undertaker vs Yokozuna WWF Championship Casket Match

I always had issues with Taker. If he's an undead Western cowboy zombie thing, why would he give a shit about winning a title? Why would he care about pro wrestling? Why would he care about money? Presumably this guy has to sign contracts and take medical exams and whatnot. Doesn't the idea of 1990s Undertaker cashing paychecks and buying protein powder kind of kill the gimmick? "Neither one of them want to be buried." Yoko fucking BRAINS Taker with a chair. Right in the back of the head. That was rude as fuck. Has there ever been a good casket match? Right as Taker was about to win, Crush ran out. Then The Great Kabuki. Just the idea of Kabuki doing a run in on a WWF Championship match is still weird as fuck. Tenryu! Bam Bam! Adam Bomb! Jeff Jarrett! The Headshrinkers! Diesel! And Taker fights them all off for quite a while. People make their shitty and tired "make Roman look strong" jokes, but it took TEN DUDES to beat Taker. TEN. And they struggled. That's on some WCW Hogan shit. Title retained. Green smoke billows from both the urn and the casket. The lights go out. Taker appears on the screen from inside the casket, even though the camera angle used clearly has no lid, so it can't be from inside the casket. He basically says he's a ghost and then his soul rises through the SCREEN to be on top of the video screen. Even by wrestling standards, this is fucking ridiculous. 


Rapid fire Rumble promos! Yes! Fucking lol at Ted trying to bring up how it makes no sense that Lex is able to get a title shot in the Rumble and Vince literally saying "Let's not bring that up again.". 



Royal Rumble

Scott Steiner draws number 1. HOLLAR. Samu draws number 2. The time between entrances has lowered from 2 minutes to 90 seconds this year. I really doubt this year is going to top 1993 on the weirdness of entrants scale. Although, this will presumably have the Great Kabuki, which is pretty strange. Rick Steiner enters at 3, taking his sweet ass time even though Scott was on the verge of elimination. It's 32X exclusive KWANG! Samu apparently got eliminated. MIST! Owen returns, now a full fledged heel. I forgot to mention that the countdown clock is brought to you by CASIO this year. Owen dumps Rick, who looked annoyed when he came to the ring, when he got in the ring, and when he got eliminated. Bart Gunn! Wrasslin in jeans is the dumbest shit. The great and powerful Diesel has entered the match. He clears the ring. 5 dudes in about 30 seconds. And in enters Bob Backlund to what sounds like a negative reaction. Lol, he almost accidentally SHOOT eliminates Nash. Out goes Bobber. It's...BILLY GUNN! That disgusting mullet and mustache. He's eliminated immediately. Footage of Tenryu and Kabuki beating on Lex from earlier is shown. Why the fuck is Virgil still around? Oh, he was an alternate, filling in for Kamala. Nash just fucking blasts him with elbows before eliminating him. Randy Savage! He's here! Hopefully Macho doesn't try to pin someone this year. Double J is in and out before the next guy enters, which is Crush. Crush dumps Macho. Doink then enters.

Bam Bam enters at 15 and chucks the clown. It's Mabel! This Rumble has not been good. Sparky Plug! All these lame ass dudes and quick eliminations. HBK has entered. Finally, something interesting could happen. The rest of the dudes in here are pretty questionable in a battle royal setting. Diesel almost goes after HBK, but eventually shakes his hand. And then HBK helps eliminate him. SWERVE! Oh no, it's Mo. ...GREG VALENTINE? Weird. Tatanka. Who booked this? It sucks. The talent sucks. The lay out sucks. It all sucks. And now to make it weirder, The Great Kabuki arrives. Lex Luger is able to make it to the match even after his attack earlier. And he gets the biggest reaction of anyone outside of Macho so far. Tenryu enters to no reaction again. Maybe he'll chop the shit out of HBK. Instead, he chops the shit out of Lex. Imagine the sound of a Tenryu chop and Lex noises combined. The buzzer rings, but no one comes out. Rick Martel enters after that. Bret Hart limps his way into the match. Fatu! Now the ring is too full and no one can do anything. The dramatic swings are just too much for me to handle! Marty Jannetty enters and he and HBK immediately start throwing fists. LOL at Tenryu fucking up HBK's superkick spot. He just decided he really wanted to chop Marty, I guess. Adam Bomb enters at 30. Let's wrap this thing up, please. Bret and Lex are the final 2, but both go over the top at the same time. After much debate, Jack Tunney comes out and declares BOTH men the winner.


I don't want to say this was dire, but it certainly wasn't even approaching good. The only thing decent on the undercard was the tag match, and even that was decidedly okay. The Rumble itself was garbage. The fuckery surrounding the winner was more entertaining than the entire match. Diesel had his big run, but then he wasn't mentioned again as soon as he was out. He didn't seem like a big deal, despite eliminating 7 dudes and it taking 5 to eliminate him. It wasn't even a big deal when they eliminated him. He was just kind of dumped and they moved on immediately. 1993 was a better show on all fronts.

WWF Royal Rumble 1993

Beverly Brothers vs Steiner Brothers

The WWF PPV debut of the Steiners. They were just in Japan a few weeks before, killing dudes. I'm sure the Beverly's are going to get murdered. Scott and Wayne Bloom begin. What the fuck happened to Wayne's face? He's got giant scars on one side. Did he get in a car wreck or something? Beverlys get more offense than you'd expect. Scott plays the FIP, as usual. Fuck this ring. God damn does it look and sound miserable to bump on. Despite WCW rarely running on the West coast, the Steiners are super over at the ARCO Arena. Poor Mike Enos took the brunt of the punishment in this match. Frankensteiner gets the win.

 
 

Shawn Michaels vs Marty Jannetty WWF Intercontinental Championship

The Rockers EXPLODE! Again. Marty's gear is the weirdest shit. Sherri is at ringside, but is in a neutral corner. Marty easily controls the opening portion of the match, repeatedly knocking HBK out of the ring, and even doing a suicide dive. He jumps to the floor too many times and gets caught. Then repeatedly rammed shoulder first into the ring post. It's kind of weird that the crowd is as dead as it is for this considering how hot they were for the Steiners. The Rockers have had much more exposure to this audience. They just don't seem to care that much. Yet, at least. HBK stays on the arm and the crowd does come alive when Marty fires up. Sherri slaps the shit out of Shawn on the floor. Ref bump! Sherri accidentally hits Marty in the face with her shoe. Shawn then hits a superkick (that Marty did the 360 for) for the win. Title retained. Sherri runs to the back in a tizzy. Shawn runs back to yell at her. Marty follows and they get into a pull apart brawl. This was much slower paced that you'd expect, and I think that was part of the reason why the crowd wasn't that into it until near the end.

 
 

Bam Bam Bigelow vs Big Boss Man

HOSSES. Bammer starts smashing Boss Man right away. It's interesting how much easier it was for guys to get heel heat before the Attitude Era. All they had to do was yell at the crowd and they'd get a huge reaction everytime. Even in the down period of 1993. Bubber has his fist taped. There is no explaination as to if it is injured or if he just wanted a taped fist for this match. After a bad bump on the apron, Bam Bam focuses on Bubber's back. This is not really the HOSS battle I had hoped for. Bam Bam got the clean win with the diving headbutt. It certainly was no Boss Man vs Barbarian.

 
 

TO THE CHICO. At a KANGZ game, Razor cut a promo on Bret. There were also clips of Razor beating the shit out of Owen on one of the weekend shows.


Razor Ramon vs Bret Hart WWF Championship

Razor throws his toothpick at the kid who got Bret's glasses, which Bret did NOT like. Razor makes a mistake early on, which allows Bret to immediately target the leg of Razor. Razor gets his opening and Bret goes sliding ribs first into the post. Why, looky there, a story is developing! The sternum bump is as gross as ever. Did Bret just not like taking a normal corner bump? Razor controls the match from this point on with various submissions. Bret gets an opening and hits a suicide dive. From there, it is a very back and forth battle until Bret is able to lock on the sharpshooter from the mat for the win. Title retained. Dope match. Hall was so much better as a heel, and Bret was just a wonderful pro wrestler. They had their story, they worked it, it had plenty of time to breathe and develop. It was almost like a 80s NWA Championship match, which is pretty unique for WWE at any point. Hall and Bret worked very well together. They had that rad match at KOTR a few months later. It's a shame Razor turned face, because Hall was significantly better in the ring as a heel. Significantly.

 
 

TO THE BRAIN. Bobby Heenan introduces THE NARCISSIST! Brain literally sounds like he's about to cum talking about Lex's muscles. It's hilarious. After a WBF routine, Lex finally speaks. He claims he'll be the most dominant wrestler the WWF has ever seen. He's mezomorphically magnificent! He also challenges Mr. Perfect.

 
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Caesar and Cleopatra come to the ring to hype Wrestlemania.


Royal Rumble

Entering at number one...last year's winner, Ric Flair! This certainly is not fair to Flair. Number two is...Bob Backlund! He enters to almost no reaction at all. NWA vs WWF, mother fuckers. These plebeians don't know their history. From what I can see, they only had two matches against each other, in 1979 and 1982. Both ended in count outs. I don't think this audience has any clue who Backlund is though. I mean, he dropped off the face of the earth right as WWF was going national, so it makes sense. Oh shit, Papa Shango! Fucking goober. And that's saying something when Bob Backlund is in the ring. Lol, Flair almost immediately eliminates him. BERRIED. It's weird to me that Gorilla of all people really isn't talking about Backlund's history. Besides saying he's a former champion and did impressive feats of strength. No info about any one he faced or how long he was champion or anything. Ted DiBiase is in next. Mid South in the house. OH FUCK ME. It's Brian fucking Knobs. Fat fuck. Eliminate this piece of shit. Anyone. Virgil! Knobs eliminates himself because he's a stupid piece of shit. Jerry Lawler! Dang. NWA, WWF, Mid South, and Memphis in the ring. Weird. Flair immidiately backs him into the corner and they go at it. Fans don't realize the significance of these four territory superstars all in the ring together. And then Max Moon arrives. Thank god it wasn't still Konnan, at least. Max Moon goes out as Tenryu arrives. What fuck. Another huge dude that no one knows. He goes right for Flair and chops the dog shit out of him. DiBiase and and Tenryu renew their feud as well. Mr. Perfect! He goes right after Flair, of course. AWA representation now. There is a crazy amount of talent and history in the ring right now. And Virgil. Did you ever think you'd see Tenryu and Bob Backlund double teaming Jerry Lawler? Well, now you have. Skinner enters. Now you got Fabulous Ones in the ring. This is so strange. Perfect eliminates Flair. Koko enters the match. Another Memphis/Mid South dude. Out goes Skinner. Samu enters. Lol, Koko and Samu cancel each other out on headbutts. Wrestling is so racist. The Berzerker! Perfect eliminates King. Ted, Koko, and King then eliminates Perfect. This looks like a King/Perfect match would have happened, but I don't think WWF ever ran it. Records show they did have one match in the WWF, in a dark match at a Raw taping. Why wouldn't you have that on TV?

 
 

DA UNDERTAKER is the 15th entrant. He's over as fuck. He also eliminates Tenryu. The Red Rooster has arrived. There was an audible groan in the audience. DiBiase eliminates him and Koko at the same time. He's the only Mid South dude that matters in that ring, you fucks. Taker eliminates Ted right after. Giant Gonzalaz shows up OUTTA NOWHERE and eliminates Taker despite not being an entrant in the match. In the time the beat down took, Damian Demento and IRS entered the match. Tatanka is in next as Taker just lays dead in the corner. Saggs. Gross. Typhoon! Gross. Fatu! Awesome. It's DA EARTHQUAKE. Weirdly, he immediately attacks Typhoon. And he eliminates him. CARLOS COLON?!?! The fuck is going on in this match? LOL Gorilla calls him a youngster. Tito Santana follows him. Do you think that was intentional? The Model. STRIKE FORCE EXPLODES! Yokozuna enters the match, looking like he's gained 100 pounds since his WWF debut. Sumo battle! Owen! Lol, the Repo Man has arrived. The entire field tries to eliminate Yoko. It doesn't work. The Macho Man! Backlund, Martel, Macho, and Yoko are the final four. Bob eliminates Martel, and Yoko eliminates Bob. Macho almost eliminates Yoko, taking him off his feet for I believe the first time. And then he decides to pin Yoko after the flying elbow. Yoko eliminates him from the mat. Yokozuna is going to Wrestlemania! This had the weirdest audio edit.

 
 

 This is such a strange transition show. For starters, this was the last PPV to be called by Gorilla Monsoon and Bobby Heenan. They would both be involved with Survivor Series 1993, but this is the last PPV the two of them called by themselves. A lot of guys were making their first or last Rumble/WWF PPV appearances. This is also the last Rumble where all the major territories were represented:

  • AWA: Martel, Perfect, Nasty Boys, Max Moon, Berzerker 
  • Memphis: Lawler, Savage, Skinner, Koko, Virgil, Typhoon, Taker, Papa Shango, Max Moon
  • Texas: Taker, Max Moon, Berzeker
  • Mid South: DiBiase, Taylor, Koko, Skinner
  • Pre-Expansion WWF: Backlund, Tito
  • WWC: Colon, Headshrinkers, Yoko
  • Stampede: Owen
  • JCP: Flair, Repo Man
  • Florida: IRS, Skinner, Nasty Boys
  • Japan: Tenryu

At one point in this match, there were former AWA, NWA, Triple Crown, and WWF champions all together. That's pretty crazy. Overall, it was a pretty good show. The Rumble itself wasn't much in terms of spots and story like the previous years, but it was fascinating from a collection of territory talent perspective. Bret/Razor was a great match, very likely in the top 2 or 3 matches for the WWF in 1993. HBK/Marty was good, although a bit disappointing due to the unexpectedly slow pace. Bubber/Big Yellow was a let down, but decent. The Steiners showcase was what you'd hope for. A solid addition to the Rumble family, and probably the last overall good Rumble for the rest of the 90s.

WWF Royal Rumble 1992

Things that have changed since last year's Rumble:

The Undertaker and Hulk Hogan traded the WWF Championship in two controversial matches, so the title was declared vacant.  This would be the first Rumble to crown a new champion.  Ric Flair and Sid left WCW and joined the WWF.  Demolition disbanded, with Smash becoming the Repo Man, and Crush/Ax leaving the company.  Tug Boat became Typhoon and teamed up with Earthquake as the Natural Disasters.  Bret Hart is a fully fledged singles star.  Randy Savage was retired at WM7, but is back as a face and reunited with Liz.  Shawn Michaels threw Marty through a window and rechristened himself as the Heartbreak Kid.  Owen Hart dropped the Blue Blazer gimmick and began competing under his real name and teaming with Jim Neidhart.  IRS left WCW to join the WWF.  Tito Santana became El Madator.


The Orient Express vs The New Foundation

Owen and Kato start the match.  Owen does a bridge spot then does his back flip hip toss spot.  And then a rana.  Anvil comes in and starts throwing Kato around like a sack of potatoes. Things don't work out much better for Tanaka, which eventually ends in an Alabama slam/second rope elbow combo.  Enzuiguri from Owen.  We're informed of Bret Hart attempting to defend his IC Championship with a 104 degree temperature against The Mountie.  He lost and Roddy Piper was attacked attempting to help Bret, so Mountie vs Piper will happen tonight.  This so far has been a show case for the New Foundation.  Zero offense from the heels.  Things finally turn around for those Orientals with Fuji using his cane to jab Owen in the throat.  Superkick from Kato.  Owen takes the Bret corner bump.  Gorilla mentions the Midnight Express, but was actually referring to the movie.  Owen is sent shoulder first into the corner, which had Fuji's cane propped up.  They start working over the arm of Owen.  He comes back with his sweet belly to belly.  It didn't last long, as the OE still knocked the shit out of Owen for a while.  Double dropkick.  Owen makes the hot tag.  Anvil is slingshotted in.  Slingshat?  Slingshooted?  Owen does an assisted suicide dive and the New Express win with a Rocket Launcher.  I forgot how beefy Owen was.  He was bulky and kind of chubby.

 
 

TO THE LORD. Lord Al shows us a clip of Bret losing the IC Championship and Roddy Piper coming down for a save, only for Mountie to attack him as well.  He throws it to Sean Mooney.

TO THE MOON.  Sean talks with Jimmy Hart and new IC Champion, The Mountie.  Mountie doesn't think Piper has the win-loss record to justify a title match.

TO THE MEAN GENE.  Gene is with Piper. Piper makes a gay joke and says Mountie has been having wet dreams.


The Mountie vs Roddy Piper WWF Intercontinental Championship

Piper won the title in a thankfully short match.  It was only about 5 minutes.  New champion!  After the match, Piper used the shock stick on Mountie, complete with the door buzzer sound played over the PA.  This was Piper's first title in the WWF and the only one he would hold until 2006 when he won the World Tag Team Championships with Ric Flair.

 
 

TO THE LORD.  Al is standing outside of Hulk's locker room.  He enters to talk to the Hulkster, who looks and sounds quite different from the previous year.  He's not using is Hulk voice, but his Terry voice.  He's also quite a bit smaller, but not as small as he would be by the time he went to WCW.

TO THE MEAN GENE.  Gene talks with the Bushwhackers and Jameson.  They're going to put the Beverly Sisters down for good.


The Beverly Brothers vs The Bushwhackers

Gross.  Bushwhackers were over, but they were absolute dog shit in the ring.  I know they were on the tail end of their career here and allegedly did good work as the Sheepherders (Sheepherders also sucked), but they were terrible in the WWF.  "They've been licking and whacking their way through all the competition!"  This is the first time the Genius could legitimately be the most manly manager at ringside.  Look, I didn't really watch this and instead just listened to Bobby cracking jokes on the Bushwhackers the whole match instead.  The Beverly Sisters won, but the Bushwhackers attacked them and Genius after the match, like all good faces do.  Jameson kicked Genius in the shin and the ass.

 
 

TO THE MEAN GENE.  WELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL, it's LOD.  "Ya know what makes us sick, besides EVERYTHING?"  Hawk really dislikes natural disasters.


LOD vs The Natural Disasters WWF Tag Team Championships

LOD are fucking over.  Hawk and Shockmaster start out.  Typhoon doesn't budge from shoulder blocks.  So Hawk does a flying lariatooo instead.  Quake wants in.  "GET OUT OF MY FACE!"  Quake no sells a standing dropkick.  Quake tried one of his own, but Hawk dodged it.  "He wouldn't a hit Sky Low Low with that one!"  Animal and Quake do a double clothesline.  Animal almost slams Quake, but can't hold him.  Lariat takes Typhoon down. Typhoon starts throwing Hawk around instead.  Definitely not the most interesting match.  LOD matches where they have to do the bulk of the selling don't usually work out.  The Disasters win via count out.  The weirdest thing was HAWK doing the weakest chair shots of all time after the match.  He barely tapped both of them and it made no sound.  Hawk is the last dude I would expect something like that from.

 
 

TO THE MOON.  Jimmy Hart is flipping out.  They deserve to be the champions!  The Disasters walk in and do fat guy yelling.

TO THE MEAN GENE. He talks with new IC Champion, Roddy Piper.  He's going to be win the WWF Championship as well tonight and then makes a George Bush joke before using MLK Jr. lines.

TO THE MOON.  He's in the heel locker room.  He is going to talk to HBK.  We get to see what happened at the Barber Shop.  The real reason the Rockers broke up was because Marty tried to quit on behalf of both of them, by saying that WCW had offered them a huge contract.  HBK looked into it, found out it was highly exaggerated, and told Vince he had nothing to do with it and had no intention of leaving.  They had LEGIT SHOOT heat between the two, so they split the team up on screen as well.

 
 

TO THE LORD.  Ric Flair!  Flair drew number 3.  He's the real world champion.  His scarred up forehead is really weird because it looks like he either covered some spots while tanning or bleaching his hair made them look even worse.  I don't think he had been doing much blading in the WWF, so it would be pretty strange if he still had fresh gig marks from WCW.

TO THE RUMBLE PROMOS.  Savage looked fucking luxurious.  Jake, Sid, Hogan, Taker, Flair, Repo Man gave promos.  Hogan was bitching about his no good friends and no good Jack Tunney. 

 
 

Royal Rumble

Before the match, Jack Tunney spoke about the winner becoming the WWF Champion.  He was so confused on his lines the whole time.

British Bulldog drew number 1.  Ted DiBiase drew number 2.  Sherri came out in a pretty boobtacular outfit.  Out goes Ted!  It's RIC FLAIR!  Next in is Jerry Sags.  Knobs was injured and would be replaced by HakOO in the match tonight.  Brain is already stressed out over Flair.  Bulldog eliminates Knobs.  IT'S NOT FAIR TO FLAIR!  Here comes Haku.  Flair bails to the floor after chopping Haku.  Great piledriver from Meng.  Bulldog dumps Haku out and next in is HBK.  Flair and HBK start running spots that ended in a totally whiffed superkick.  Bulldog gets a mostly missed superkick as well.  Chico Santana!  Flying jalapeno!  In comes Barb.  The Texas Tornado hits the ring and he and Flair go right after each other.  Flair was pretty excited for it.  First Flair Flop of the match!  It's the Repo Man!  Greg Valentine is next in and also goes for Flair.  Gorilla keeps telling Brain about no one from the first 5 making it to the end of the match.  It's Nikolai Volkoff, who was replacing someone that was mentioned near the start of the show.  I don't remember who.  Hammer and Flair are chopping the fuck out of each other.  If you're watching this match and hear random loud smacks, it's them chopping each other somewhere in a corner.  Out goes Volkoff.  Here comes the Big Boss Man.  Valentine is eliminated by Repo man.  Boss Man chucks Repo out.  Flair dumps the Bulldog out.  And Von Erich.  HBK and Chico go out together.  In comes Hercules.  THE POWER.  Flair high fives Barb only to chop him, which sends Bobby into a conniption.  Herc dumps Barb, who was dumping Flair. Flair held on, but Barb didn't and Boss Man then eliminated Herc.  We're down to Big Bubba vs Flair.  Boss Man awkwardly eliminates himself and maybe breaks his neck in the process. Flair Flop 3.  Roddy Piper is in at 15.  President and Vice President!  They fought on the floor.  Piper blocks everything and pokes Ric in the eyes.  YOU'RE FIRED.  Sleeper puts Flair out. 

Haku piledriver to British Bulldog.gif

In comes Jake Roberts.  Jake breaks it up.  Flair is happy and then gets a short arm clothesline.  THIS ISN'T FAIR TO FLAIR!  Piper breaks the DDT.  "It's a kilt, it's not a skirt!"  Piper goes back after Flair.  "You skirt wearing freak!"  Brain is so good in this.  HOOOOO!  TOUGH GUY!  IRS very slowly comes to the ring.  Look at all the NWA/Mid South stars in the ring right now.  Flair Flop 4!  SnOOka!  Undertaker is in next and throws Snuka out right away before choking Flair out.  Randy Savage flies out and looks for Jake.  Jake had gone to the floor and Savage was ambushed.  Savage eliminates Jake and then jumps over the ropes on his own to keep attacking.  Savage is allowed back in the match because he wasn't propelled by someone else, but there have been multiple eliminations in Rumbles where guys eliminated themselves either on purpose or accident and they stayed eliminated.  Here comes the Berzerker.  Virgil sprints to the ring in his candy cane pants.  Lol, Col. Mustafa, AKA the Iron Sheik, who looked exactly the same as when he was Sheik.  I don't know why Vince thought you could completely repackage guys who were major stars and champions in his own company and think no one would care or notice.  Rick Martel got a lucky late draw. HULK HOGAN!  He eliminates Taker and Berzerker.  Virgil and Hacksaw go out together.  Skinner is in.  It's Sgt. Slaughter, who I think is a face again.  Skinner is eliminated.  SID!  What the fuck, Sid did a kip up.  The Warlord is the final entrant.  IRS is eliminated by his tie.  Out goes Warlord.  Sid eliminates Piper and Martel.  Hogan, Flair, Savage, and Sid are the final four.  Out goes Macho.  Sid eliminates Hogan.  Hulk is pissed and grabs Sid's arm, allowing Flair to dump him out of the ring.  FLAIR WINS!  IT WAS FAIR TO FLAIR!  NEW CHAMPION!  Hogan gets in the ring and bitches.  He and Sid are separated by officials and referees.  Hey guys, Flair just lasted an hour in the Rumble and is the next champion, why aren't we celebrating with him instead of seeing Hulk have a temper tantrum? 


TO THE MEAN BY GOD GENE.  Jack Tunney presents the WWF Championship to Ric Flair.    WITH A TEAR IN MY EYE!  PUT THAT CIGARETTE OUT!  Fucking Gene.  Outta nowhere. 

 
 

DQ Count: 0 out of 5 matches.

The Rumble itself was great, pretty much entirely due to Flair and Brain.  Hogan is such a god damn baby.  He was so pissed that his friend Sid eliminated him that he ended up getting Sid eliminated from the floor.  He did the same thing to the Boss Man in 1989 because he felt the rules didn't apply to him.  Then, in 1991, he eliminated his best friend Tugboat in the same manner that Sid did to him, because it was every brother for himself, brother.  But when Sid did it to him, he throws a huge hissy fit.  How was he the top face for so long?  He was a hypocritical asshole who constantly cheated and had awful sportsmanship.   Yet he was pushed as this great role model to kids.  The face announcers always justified his actions, even when he was clearly out of line.  Flair had just spent an hour in the ring winning the title and didn't even get to celebrate in the ring because Hogan had to have his temper tantrum. 

1992 is the best Rumble, but 1990 was pretty close.  1991 by far had the best undercard, but a pretty boring Rumble.  

WWF Royal Rumble 1991

The show starts with a shot of the American flag and the national anthem.  Mostly because of the first Gulf War that was going on at the time.  Operation Desert Storm had launched 2 days prior.

Some things that have changed since the last Rumble: The British Bulldog returned as a solo star.  Kerry Von Erich left Texas and joined the WWF as a tornado.  Tony Atlas returned as a totally not super ultra racist African warrior. The Undertaker debuted.  Dustin Rhodes made his national debut with his dad.  The Road Warriors joined the WWF.  The Powers of Pain split up, with Warlord wearing a Phantom of the Opera mask and Barbarian wearing antlers.  Crush joined Demolition and Ax had been phased out.  The Ultimate Warrior defeated Hulk Hogan at WM6 to win the WWF Championship.   Sgt. Slaughter turned on his country and became an Iraqi sympathizer. Big Boss Man turned face.  The Nasty Boys left WCW to join the WWF.  Roddy Piper left full time wrestling to join the announce team.


The Orient Express vs The Rockers

No time is wasted as Marty is thrown out of the ring and Shawn is hit with a huge double back body drop.  Marty comes back in with a super kick.   Kato pulls Tanaka out of the ring, but the Rockers come out with stereo suicide dives.  This was super cutting edge in an era that might have had the most jacked up and muscle bound dudes of any other time in WWF history.  1990-1992ish was pretty crazy for muscles.  Big forearm from Tanaka. The Express learn from their mistake earlier and stop before they run into each other.  However, HBK gives them the double noggin knocker and hits a high knee on Tanaka.  Shawn stops a 10 count punch to moonsault onto Kato.  A whole lot of stereo spots.  HBK does a 619 feint and the Rockers do top rope cross bodies to the floor on opposite sides of the ring.  Delayed vertical suplex from HBK.  He runs in for a monkey flip, only to get pulled down throat first on the top rope by Tanaka.  Fuji uses the cane on HBK, but it was a wide angle and hard to tell.  They work over Shawn for a while.  Flair Flip from HBK and then he got kicked back in the ring.  Hot tag to Marty.  Kato nearly wins with the worst back slide of all time.  Double super kick.  The Rockers attempt a rocket launcher, but Tanaka bumps into Marty, sending HBK to the floor.  He covers and helps Marty counter a slingshot into a sunset flip.  Rockers win!  Great match.  About as good as you're going to get for work rate in 1991 WWF. 


 TO THE MOON.  He talks with the Macho King.  Savage says he is the best WWF Champion of all time and that he has a commitment from Sgt. Slaughter to be the number one contender should Sarge win tonight.  He is going to have Sherri bait Warrior into the same deal.

TO THE MEAN GENE.  Sherri dragged Gene out in front of the crowd.   She publicly challenges the Ultimate Warrior.  The basic gist was Sherri tried to convince Warrior to give Savage a title shot.  She did this by kissing him and suggesting she was about to blow him.  Warrior said NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooo   ooooooooooooooo*SNARL

TO THE BACK.  Savage flips out and says he's going to get the Warrior right now.  He runs all the way to ringside and up to Sherri.  He's pretty hot over it.


The Barbarian vs The Big Boss Man

Barb now wears fur and antlers.  Boss Man now has HARD TIMES as his theme.  Brain stalls for the first few minutes.  Barb's back is immense.   As the match starts, he hits a series of punches that nearly take Boss Man out.  Boss Man comes back with a big boot and a back elbow that sends Barb back to the floor.  They brawl on the floor.  Barb went into the post.  They go back in the ring only for Boss Man to do a cross body that took them both to the floor again.  Huge suplex from Barb.  Burning lariatooo from Barb.  Boss Man gets decked again and his foot gets tied in the middle and bottom rope while falling to the floor.  Brain puts in a few shots while out there.  Barb man handles Boss Man back in the ring.  Boss Man finally gets out of a bear hug by biting.  Enzuiguri!  Hot shot.  Barb's arm was barely on the ropes.  Mid ring collision.  Flying lariatoo from Barb.  Boss Man's foot was on the ropes.  Boss Man Slam!  He took too much time to make the cover and Barb barely got the ropes.  A finger tip grazed the bottom rope.  Piledriver from Barb.  Barb went up for a top rope cross body, but Boss Man rolled through and got the pin.  Brain ran away as soon as the bell rang.  A pretty good big man match between two guys who could go as well as guys half their size.


TO THE MOON.  Sean talks with Sgt. Slaughter and General Adnan.   After he wins the WWF Championship, the world will see turmoil like never before. 

TO THE MEAN GENE.  Warrior delivers his retort.  He takes no orders.  Deserts and fox holes and stuff.  He will walk in as the ultimate champion and will walk out as the ultimate VICTOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRR!  *SNARL*


Sgt. Slaughter vs The Ultimate Warrior WWF Championship

Warrior breaks the Iraqi flag poll in half.  He then rips the flag apart.  That's an act of war!  Oh.  Adnan runs away.  The flag is stuffed in Sarge's mouth as he's thrown around the ring.  He takes his trademark corner bump on one side, and then goes over the post on the other side.  Sherri has come out.  Warrior chases her only to be ambushed by Savage.  Sarge keeps stopping the count so Warrior can get back to the ring.  Warrior gets back to ringside and Sarge spits on him before using the pointed boot.  Double clothesline.  Sarge works a bear hug on Warrior, which is a pretty stupid spot.  Sarge is just a fat older guy.  He shouldn't be working a bear hug on Warrior.  Warrior gets out and slams Sarge, but his back is shot.  Camel Clutch is on.  Warrior's feet are actually outside of the ring, but Earl Hebner doesn't notice, mostly because he's a terrible referee.  Sarge lets go of the hold, thinking Warrior gave up.  Warrior makes his come back with a series of lariatoos and flying shoulder tackle.  Sherri runs down again.  She's pulled into the ring.  He press slams Sherri over the top and onto Savage.  As he's celebrating, Sarge knees him in the back.  Savage then blasts him in the face with the scepter.  Sarge makes a cover.  New champion!  Gorilla and Piper can't believe this is the finish and think it must be a DQ.  There was no official word until Warrior runs to the back.  Loud "bullshit" chants.  What a miscarriage of justice! 


Koko B. Ware vs The Mountie

What a weird follow up to the title match.  I guess this is the Divas match of its time.  I don't want to ever watch a Mountie solo match.  If he's tagging with his brother or Pierre, I'm down.  But as a solo, he was the shits.  I do have to lol at all of Mountie's holds being "control moves" that he learned in Mountie training.  He did a full on goose step, which was pretty odd.  Was there an angle for this match?  Something like, "Evil mounties hate black men"?  Mountie won with some kind of choke slam.  Piper said "damn it" and had to apologize a few times for it.


TO THE MOON. He catches up with Randy Savage, who claims to be the champion forever.  As he's ranting, there is a pounding on his dressing room door and he runs off.  Fucking Piper is wearing wrist tape to be a color guy.

TO THE MEAN GENE.  Gene talks to the new champ.  He did what he said he was going to do and he's going to control the world.  Piper was really disgusted with Adnan saying "Allah", calls Sarge a son of an unnamed goat, and then knocks his own headset off by spitting at Sarge's general direction.

A video package of fans sending well wishes to DA TROOPS.  Hulk Hogan is making a personal trip to visit the troops.

TO THE BACK. Rumble promos!  Jake is going to get Rick Martel.  Earthquake is gonna fuck everyone up.  Greg Valentine is gonna drop the hammer.  Texas Tornado is going to win.  LOD could do a lot of things.  Undertaker is going to bury some dudes.  HOOOOOOO TOUGH GUY!  Model is going to eliminate Jake.  The Bulldog is glad to be a bulldog.  Perfect is perfect.  Lol, fucking Tugboat.

TO THE MOON.  He talks with Ted and Virgil before their match against The Rhodes.  Before the promo, Piper revealed that he and Virgil had dinner and a good talk.  During the promo, Ted said Virgil does all the things he does because of money.  Virgil looked pretty pissed during it.


Dusty Rhodes/Dustin Rhodes vs Ted DiBiase/Virgil

Goldy looks so young.  I believe he was only 22 (WHY ME?!?!?!?!).  He looks like it.  They pair off and both heels are bumped to the floor.  Virgil and Dustin officially start the match.  Diving lariatoo and dropkick sends Virgil to the floor.  Ted slaps him and tells him to get his shit together.  He gets back in and is sent back out.  Ted is getting pissed.  He tags in.  He works over Dustin.  Dustin gets back into it and in comes Dusty.  HE'S FAT.  Weaver Lock!  Virgil breaks the hold.  Dustin is back in.  Dropkick.  Dustin misses a high knee in the corner and is hurt.  The heels work over the leg for a while.  Virgil accidentally hits Ted.  Ted then slaps the shit out of him and throws him to the floor.  Ted pins Dusty with a roll up OUTTA NOWHERE.  After the match, Ted ran down Virgil on the mic.  He orders Virgil to place the Million Dollar Championship around his waist.  Instead, a fan throws a drink at Ted and Virgil throws the belt at Ted's feet.  After being close to going through with it, Virgil hits Ted with the belt.  SWERVE! Huge pop for VIRGIL. 


TO THE MEAN BROTHERJACKDUDE. Hogan dedicates the match to DA TROOPS.  Gene got an unconfirmed report that Sgt. Slaughter has just defaced the American flag!  Fucking lol, Hogan totally forgot Saddam's name and said "Sgt. Slaughter's reign is going to be just like ...puwhs, woohsh, uh uh, yea you know, brother".


Royal Rumble

Bret Hart drew number 1.  Dino Bravo drew number 2.  I would guess Bravo won't be staying in the match too long.  Greg Valentine is 3rd out and goes right after Dino.  Out goes Dino.  Paul Roma is in.  The Glory!  It's the Texas Tornader!  The Model comes in and goes after Bret.  He was pretty jacked at this time.  It's Saba Simba, who comes out to a confused reaction.  I swear I remember Piper shitting all over the gimmick and saying it was Tony Atlas.  It sounded like some audio was edited out when he came down, but I'm not sure if that's why.  Butch strolls down.  Simba is gone.  Oh shit, Jake comes out.  Martel tries to intercept him, but Jake kicks his ass.  Model bailed to the floor.  Shane McMahon tried to count him out if he didn't get back in the ring. Down comes Hercules.  THE POWER.  Chico comes down and goes after Martel.  I like a 2 year grudge.  That's part of what made 1992 so fun, all the territory guys who still held grudges with Flair.  Roma is eliminated.  The Undertaker is next out.  He dumps Bret out.  He no sells Tornado's discus punch.  Jimmy SnOOka is out.  He looks to have aged 10 years since last year's Rumble.  Out goes Butch.  Guys start taking turns on Taker after an elbow from the ropes by Hammer rocks him.   The Bulldog and his braids comes out next.  Here comes Smash, who also appears to have aged a lot in the last year, but that might just be his hairline receding even more. Half way through!

Jake is eliminated by Martel, who was on the apron.  Hawk comes out and stiffs EVERYONE.  So much that everyone gangs up on him for revenge.  The Franchise Shane Douglas, that tremendous youngster.  Snuka and Tornado are out.  The next entrant doesn't come out.  It was Randy Savage, who no showed, due to presumably running away from Warrior.  That wouldn't be known until the end of the match.  Animal is in.  This disc is in pretty bad shape and started stalling out around the 20th entrant.  Crush was the next one down.  In fact, the disc couldn't be read, so the rest of the match will be from Youtube.  HOOOOOO, TOUGH GUY!  Next down is Earthquake.  Animal bows right up to him.  There are 11 guys in the ring right now.  I must have missed Taker getting eliminated.  I didn't miss Animal getting eliminated.  Mr. Perfect!  He eliminates Duggan.  It's HULK HOGAN!  This place is going bananas!  Out goes Smash.  HakOO is up next.  Out goes Valentine, who was in for 44:03.  Here comes the Anvil.  Tito has been eliminated.  Hogan does some uncharacteristically stiff as fuck chops to Haku.  Luke comes in one side and is thrown out the other, not stopping his goofy walk even after eliminated.  Brian Knobs.  Fuck Knobs.  Herc is eliminated.  STONE COLD!  STONE COLD!  STONE COLD!  Oh, it's just the Warlord.  Crush is gone.  Hulk eliminates Warlord.  Tugboat is the final entrant.  The Franchise is gone.  Tugboat is eliminated by Hogan. Bulldog eliminates Perfect.  Then HakOO.  Model finally goes out, having set the new endurance record of 52:17.  Bulldog is gone and the final three are Hogan, Knobs, and Quake.  Weirdly, Sags had a singles dark match.  Knobs is gone.  Hogan tries to slam Quake, but couldn't hold him up.  He recovers, slams Quake, and eliminates him.  Hulk wins his 2nd straight Rumble.


DQ Count: 0 out of 6 matches.

The Rumble match itself wasn't very interesting.  There wasn't really an over all story nor were there many individual stories started or continued in the match.  The main one was Jake vs Martel.  Hogan vs Slaughter was set up before the match even happened, so Hogan ending the show by waving the American flag isn't really a shocker.  It was probably on par with 1988.  1990 has been the best so far.  A big problem was they let the ring get too crowded too many times.  At one point there were 11 guys in the ring, which is way too many for any spots to happen.  Most of the match had 7-8 guys in at once.

Really enjoyed the Rockers/Express match and the Boss Man/Barb match.  Warrior vs Slaughter was pretty decent as well.

WWF Royal Rumble 1990
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Things that have changed since the last Rumble:  Hogan is champion again.  Randy Savage is now the Macho King.  Dusty Rhodes debuted.  Tony Schiavone debuted.  Roddy Piper and Jimmy Snuka have returned.  Mr. Perfect has adopted the look and persona he would be known for.  Earthquake debuted.  Strike Force broke up and Rick Martel is now a model.  So excited that Tony is calling the show.


The Fabulous Rougeau Brothers vs The Bushwhackers

The Rougeaus being billed from Memphis was always great.  Mountie looks like such a scum bag with his beard.  As excited as I am for Tony, I'm the opposite for a Bushwhackers match.  A lot of ass biting in here.  Even to the ref.  Jesse rightly says that should be an immediate disqualification.  God damn, I never noticed how bad the gig marks were on the Bushwhackers.  As bad as Dusty's. The Bushwhackers won with the Battering Ram to the back.  Danny Davis is back to being a ref.  Wasn't he banned from ever being a ref?

 
 

TO THE MEAN GENE.  He talks with Ted and Virgil.  Ted drew number one.  He's not happy about it.


The Genius vs Brutus Beefcake

Not the strongest undercard.  Lanny's poetry never really sounds like poetry to me.  More like just a guy talking and occasionally rhyming or something.  I think it is pretty ridiculous that Brutus Beefcake would be grossed out over a guy prancing around.  As purposely flamboyant and "gay" Genius is, Beefcake still comes off FAR more homoerotic pretty much his entire career.  I don't think Lanny was a particularly good wrestler, but he did play his role hilariously.  Audible "faggot" chant.   I'm surprised that didn't get edited out.  Genius is light in the loafers and is a bad guy for it, but Beefcake's name is BEEFCAKE, he's from San Francisco, he wears a lot of pink and purple and sometimes make up, he adds frilly tassels to all of his gear, cuts large sections of his tights to expose his ass cheeks or inner thighs, and has a life long bromance with Hogan, yet no one thinks perhaps he is the gay one?  Naturally, there was a ref bump in this.  Genius goes out to the sleeper, but the ref is out.  Beefcake starts the hair cutting.  Mr. Perfect ran down to aid his friend.  The ref calls for a double DQ.  Brutus was left down and out after chair shots to the ribs. 

 
 

TO THE MOONEY. Sean catches up with the Hennan Family.  Rude is even more jacked up and shredded than last year's event.  Sean stirs the shit and they all argue.


Greg Valentine vs Ronnie Garvin

Submission Match

Garvin goes right in with some fucking stiff chops.  He also tried a pin in the first minute of the match.  Valentine comes back with his own.  These guys are knocking the shit out of each other already.  Garvin does a jumping headbutt that knocks both guys down.  Valentine gets out of a piledriver and then they trade pinfalls. It's a submission match, guys. Figure four.  Garvin no sells that shit because he is wearing his Hammer Jammer.  Valentine breaks the hold after Garvin makes some faces and spits at him.  Garvin AGAIN tries a pinfall.  Hammer locks on a Canadian backbreaker, but lets it go.  Garvin does a series of headbutts and locks on a deathlock like move.  Weirdly, there was a corner camera man, shooting JCP style.  I guess that makes sense since this match is definitely something that fits in better on a 1984 NWA show than a 1990 WWF show.  They continue to knock the shit out of each other on the floor.  Valentine again reverses a piledriver, this time on the floor.  Garvin gets himself caught in a tree of Keanu.  Both men collide and they are down.  Jimmy Hart removes the Hammer Jammer.  Figure four.  Garvin reverses it.  AGAIN Garvin tries a small package.  It's been like 8 times this guy has tried to win with a pin in a submission match.  The Heartbreaker is removed.  Greg Valentine does a school boy.  He's tied up in the ropes.  Jimmy is tossed in the ring.  Valentine gets hit with the Heartbreaker.  Garvin locks on the Scorpion Deathlock (or reverse figure four, as Tony called it, which is pretty silly considering he had been calling Sting matches for 3 years and Bret was doing the Sharpshooter by this point I believe).  Valentine gives up!  This is one of the stiffer matches from the entire Hulkamania era.  They really knocked the shit out of each other.  So out of place.  It was a gritty, stiff wrestling match in a brightly lit cartoon world.

 
 

TO THE MEAN GENE.  Mr. Perfect is asked about interfering in the Genius/Beefcake match.  Basically, he says he's tired of Brutus date raping guys, and he couldn't stand to watch his friend go through that. He drew number 30.

TO THE BROTHER LOVE.  Brother Love is one character I always hated.  His segments always seemed like such a time filler.  Queen Sherri is his first guest.  His second guest is Sweet Sapphire.  Sherri and Brother Love bully Sapphire.  Savage runs out.  Dusty is (kind of) right behind him.  Savage drills Dusty before he can even get in the ring.  Sapphire tries to pull Savage off, only for Brother Love pulls her hair.  He gets in the ring and shit talks Dusty after Savage is taken away.  He gets slammed, held for a Sapphire slap, and thrown out of the ring.  Dusty and Sapphire then celebrate by dancing. 

 TO THE MOON. TOUGH GUY!  Duggan talks about his upcoming match with the Boss Man.  Duggan's eyes are as bad as Saturn's and HBK's.  He's coming after the Bossman, Tough Guy!


Big Boss Man vs Jim Duggan

Boss Man had to have lost 50 pounds since the previous year.  Dude lost a TON of weight in a pretty short amount of time, even though he was still huge.  I would guess it was from coke.  Not even a minute into the match, they're out on the floor.  Duggan gets rammed into the ring post.  Boss Man misses a splash against the post/steps.  DOOGAN starts working the shoulder.  Enzuiguri from the Boss Man!  A few punches later and he's bringing the full power of his crushing balls on Duggan's head.  Tony wants to know why Boss Man has to bring his night stick with him, to which Jesse immediately asks the same thing of Duggan and his board.  Boss Man could have an inspection at any time and needs to be ready.  Slick chokes Duggan with a tie.  Duggan makes a come back, but is cut off by a knee to the gut.  Boss Man works general big man rest holds for a bit.  Duggan keeps coming back.  Duggan lariatoos Boss Man to the floor.  Boss Man misses a splash from the ropes.  They collide into each other and both go down again.  Boss Man uses the night stick and is disqualified for it.  Duggan comes back with the 2x4 and gets rid of Slick and Boss Man with it. 

 
 

TO THE BACK.  Jimmy Hart, Earthquake, and Dino Bravo cut their Rumble promos.  Demolition are next.  Bad News is going to take out all those beer belly sharecroppers.  Dusty!   Randy Savage is gonna get his goose tonight!  The Rockers are gonna rock...and roll.  Hercules is ready to Rumble Royal.  The Model wears old lady sunglasses.  Chico is coming out a winner.  ARIBA!  Snuka talks about fishing with sharks.  Akeem is the baddest and best.  Warrior rambles about 28 normal men before mentioning Hulk Hogan has a different aura that is closest to that of his own.  WWE should still be doing this kind of promos, but I don't think they have enough guys who can talk or have any kind of character to make those interesting.

TO THE BACK.  Second set of promos.  Macho King does a coke rant.   Fuji is unintelligible as the PoP breath loudly.  Jake is awesome.  The Hart Foundation is ready to go the distance this year.  Honky is gonna lay down some mean tunes.  Dude's guitar was never even in tune.  Hogan is aggressive with his inhales. 


Royal Rumble

Ted DiBiase drew number 1.  Kobo B. Ware drew number 2.  Koko is jumped as he got in the ring.  Black dudes have hard heads.  I figured Ted knew that.  Koko is eliminated.  Marty is next in.  He eliminates himself by Ted ducking a cross body.  Jake is out and this place has come unglued!   Ted has attacked all 3 men as they were entering the ring.  He clearly has a game plan.  He slams Jake on the floor and locks on the Million Dollar Dream, only to be rammed into the ring post.  He escaped the DDT.   The Macho King flies out like a dude who has consumed nothing but cocaine for 3 days.  It's RODDY PIPER! The Warlord is out, hoping to have a longer time than last year.  And he's already done it.  New record!  Next in is Bret Hart.  He goes right after Ted.  The next man in is Bad News Brown.  He naturally goes right after Bret.  Stampede EXPLODES!  Jake is eliminated while attempting a DDT.  DUSTY RHODES!  Huge pop for Dusty.  He's throwing 'bows all over Savage.  He then eliminates Savage with a huge back drop.   Oh shit, DAT'S MY BIG HOMIE ANDRE!  He promptly eliminates Warlord with one arm.  Bobby and Fuji get into it on the floor.  The Red Rooster is in.  Dusty goes right after him.  Piper eliminates Bad News.  Bad News pulls Piper over the top and they brawl to the back.  Here comes Ax.  The Rooster has flown the coop.  Andre is tied up and being double teamed by Dusty and Ax.  HakOOOO.  In comes Smash to knock some teeth down some stinkin' throats.  We're at the half way point. 

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Akeem comes in.  8 men are in the ring.  Akeem goes after Andre instead of Dusty.  Out goes Bret.  Demolition eliminate Andre.  Jimmy SnOOKA.  He headbutts Akeem out.  Dino Bravo is next out.  He could win if Jesse spots him.  Earthquake comes in and eliminates Dusty.  He then eliminates Ax.  Anvil comes in and goes after Quake.  Earthquake is eliminated by 6 men teaming up to do it.  It's THE ULLLLLLLTIMATE WARRRRIOOORRR *SNARL*.  He eliminates Bravo.  Here comes The Model.  Haku eliminates Smash.  Chico Santana comes in and goes to town on Martel.  Honky Tonk Man.  The disappointment was palpable.  Anvil is gone.  Warrior finally eliminates Ted DiBiase, who set a record by lasting 44:47.  It's HULK HOGAN!  He eliminates SnOOka.  Then HakOO.  Warrior eliminates Chico.  HBK comes down.  Out go HTM and HBK.  And then Martel.  Hogan and Warrior stare down!  Neither men budge on shoulder blocks.  They do a criss cross spot ending in a double clothesline.  The Barbarian comes down and has both guys at his mercy.  Rick Rude is 28th in.  He came in bit early.  Hulk accidentally eliminates Warrior by knocking into Rude and Barb, who had Warrior on the ropes.  Warrior jumped back in the ring, knocked Rude down, then ran to the back.  Hercules is the penultimate entrant.  Mr. Perfect is our final entrant, having drawn the perfect number.  Herc tosses out Barb.  Rude eliminates Herc.  Rude is eliminated when he was Irish whipped as Perfect was climbing back in the ring, having been knocked on the apron by Rude.  Perfect makes the mistake of hitting his finish, which everyone knows just makes Hulk get his second wind.  Hulk Hogan is the winner of the 1990 Royal Rumble! 


DQ Count: 2 out of 5 matches.
It was nice to get some Tony Schiavone in my comfort food.  WORLDS COLLIDING!  He and Jesse had great chemistry that continued in WCW.  But Jesse really had great chemistry with everyone.  Vince should pay him as much as he wants to replace King.  The submission match was weird in that A. It was totally an NWA match in the middle of cartoon world and B. They went for more pinfalls than they normally would in regular match.  They were super stiff and really knocked the hell out of each other the whole match.

Storylines coming out of the Rumble:

Ted vs Jake/Ted being the smartest guy on the roster, a Hogan/Warrior show down, Dusty vs Macho, Demolition vs Haku/Andre, Bad News Brown vs Roddy Piper, Beefcake vs Perfect.  I don't really see the point of of Hogan winning the Rumble, since he was already the man and champion.  I think it would have made more sense for Warrior to win.  If I had to guess, this was probably something Hogan demanded since he was going to put Warrior over at WM.  We now have the blue cloud backstage area, which I miss so much.  20 out of the 41 people on this show were still on WCW cards in 1998, either as wrestlers or managers.

WWF Royal Rumble 1989

Jim Duggan/Hart Foundation vs Dino Bravo/Fabulous Rougeaus

2/3 Falls

The step up of production values from the previous year is pretty massive.  1988 was still pretty bare bones and looked like a dressed up house show.  This looks like a big time PPV event.  A happening, if you will.  Duggan and Bravo start out.  Lol, immediate call back to Dino benching well over 700 pounds...when Jesse's help.  Lariatoo from Anvil.  They both miss elbow drops and in comes Hacksaw.  TOUGH GUY!  Dino tags out to Ray.  Ray ducks too many lariatoos, so Duggan slams him and hits the Old Glory knee drop.  In comes Bret.  Series of near falls from Bret.  Mountie gets caught with a lariat.  Anvil does a battering ram with all three heels stacked in the corner.  Low bridge to Bret.  Side slam from Bravo.  The heels take fall one with a doomsday seated senton.  Some team needs to bring that back immediately. 

 
 

Bret has to start the second fall and almost loses again.  He takes his corner bump fucking rough. Bret has been getting crushed for a long time.  Frequent tags between the heels.  Bret is nearly out for the second time.  Boston crab.  Bret makes the tag, but the ref didn't see it.  Bret finally blocks a monkey flip with an atomic drop.  Hot tag to DOOGAN!  Bret and Anvil are both catapulted in on top of Ray.  Duggan drops a knee and it is all tied up.  Duggan makes the mistake of heading into enemy territory and pays for it.  Triple team action, culminating with Mountie rubbing his taint all over Duggan's head.  Bret gets tagged in.  Duggan hits Dino with the 2x4.  Bret covers.  Faces win 2-1.  Gorilla thinks it was "ingenuity", while Jesse believes it to clearly be cheating. 


TO THE BACK.  DiBiase draws his number.  Apparently, it wasn't good, so he tries to make a deal with Slick.  The Bushwhackers draw their numbers.  They swap.  Honky draws his and is pissed.  Bad News Brown loves his draw.  Demolition don't care.  Jake is fine with his.  The Rockers wish each other luck. 


Rockin' Robin vs Judy Martin WWF Women's Championship

Sherri challenged the winner before the match.  She then joined the announce table for the duration of the match.  Robin retained in a pretty uneventful match.


TO THE MEAN GENE.  We're going to have a SUPER POSE DOWN between Rick Rude and The Ultimate Warrior.  Double bicep is the first pose.  LOOK AT THE STRIATIONS!  Second pose is best abs.  LOOK AT THE MUSCULATURE!  Brain wants 15 minutes to allow Rude to pump up.  Third pose is most muscular.  LOOK AT THE POWER!  The final pose is a medley of poses.  A muscular montage, so to speak.  Rude attacks Warrior!  SWERVE!  Warrior is being choked out with the Lex Flexxxer.  A despicable display.  Hey, there's Nick Bockwinkel!  Warrior flipped out and attacked all the officials in the ring, including Bock.  Warrior had pretty terrible pose form.  Jesse pointed it out, but I think someone who has never seen any kind of posing could tell. 


TO THE MOONEY.  Sean is with Slick and the Twin Towers.  Slick claims to have not seen Ted DiBiase in over a month.  However, Sean shows the clip from earlier of Ted making a deal with Slick.  Slick can explain.  He thought Sean meant a different Ted DiBiase.

TO THE MEAN GENE.  Gene has caught up with Rude and Bobby.  Rude said he won from the first pose, but Bobby wants to hurry up and lock the locker room door.

TO THE MANAGER PROMOS.  Liz, Fuji, andJimmy Hart cut Rumble promos on behalf of their clients.

Jesse sits in the King throne and thinks he might run for king.


King Haku vs Harley Race King Of The Ring

Harley walks out and tips the throne over.  Harley dominates Haku until it goes to the floor, where Harley is rammed into the ring post.  Super loud chop from Haku.  Inverted atomic drop from Harley.  Harley goes over the top and to the floor.  Headbutt battle.  Harley gives it up to deliver a few punches to the mouth.  Piledriver.  They run into each other, which sends Harley to the floor.  Haku suplexes him back in.  Harley attempts a piledriver on the floor.  Haku back drops out of it.  Harley gets it on the second attempt.  Haku misses a diving headbutt.  So does Harley.  Haku wins with a superkick right in the fucking kisser. A very hard hitting affair, nothing like anything going on in the WWF at the time. Fucking strike battles and piledrivers on the floor, brehs.

 
 

TO THE BACK.  More Rumble promos.  Greg Valentine's was probably the best.  The mother fucking Brainbusters are in the match tonight.  Pretty stoked about that.  I'm not sure who is harder to understand: Andre or Khali. 


Royal Rumble

Demolition are the first two in.  They don't hold back.  Demos were better than LOD until Crush came around.  Ax is better than Hawk and Animal combined.  Andre is 3rd and gets double teamed.  Mr. Perfect is 4th.  His hair is darker and he's wearing trunks instead of his singlet.   Smash is eliminated by Andre.  5th out is Ronnie Garvin.  Next out is Valentine.  Out goes Garvin.  It's Jake Roberts!  He and Andre immediately go after each other.  Ron Bass is next.  Out goes Jake.  Andre has eliminated everyone so far.  It's Shawn Michaels!  He's so young, his eyes are both straight, and he's got a ton of hair.  Out goes Ax.  Perfect and HBK pair off.  It's Butch!  DAT'S MY BIG HOMIE!  Jake comes back out and throws Damian in the ring.  Andre bails the fuck out, eliminating himself in the process.  HTM rolls out.  Chico Santana gallops to the ring and goes right after Mr. Perfect.  Bad News is about to fuck some people up.  Jesse's "Ohhhhh" when a stiff shot or bad ass comes out is great.  Out goes HTM.  Fuck him.  Marty Jannetty joins his partner in the match.  They double dropkick Ron Bass out of the match.  It's THE MACHO MAN!  This place has gone bananas! We're at the half way point now.

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Double A!  Out goes the Hammer.  Arn and HBK go right after each other.  Sweet chin music.  Savage and Arn eliminate HBK.  In comes Tully. Spinebuster to Marty.  He's then eliminated.  It's Hulk Hogan!  I think Savage got a bigger pop.  Out goes Perfect.  Chico is gone.  Luke is out next.  And Butch is gone seconds later.  Hogan just chucks Tully into the ropes with no regard for safety.  Why wasn't there a Mega Powers vs Brainbusters match?  Big boot to Arn.  It's Koko B. Ware!  Hulk tosses him out.  And then Luke.  He then eliminates both Brainbusters at the same time.  Warlord enters only to have Hogan eliminate him as soon as he got in the ring.  Hulk then eliminated Savage and Bad News at the same time.  That's 7 dudes in about 2 minutes.  Savage didn't like that shit one bit.  Liz comes out to calm it down.  Macho wants to shake hands.  They're still bros.  Big Boss Man is the next one out, for a singles showdown with Hogan.  Piledriver.  Oh shit, Akeem is now out.  Hulk is eliminated!  Hogan of course is a poor sport and drags Boss Man to the floor and brawls more with them.  Beefcake enters and helps out his bro.  Hulk tries to get back in the match, but instead low bridges Boss Man, eliminating him from the match.   What a terrible role model.  He beats Boss Man up all the way to the back.  The Red Rooster.  Man, poor Terry Taylor.  He could have been a solid IC level guy.  Barbarian is the next guy out.  I'm sad he and Hogan never had a singles match.  Big John Studd, who looks like a giant John Wayne. Maybe that's where he got his name. Hmm.  Hercules is 28th out.  Rick Martel apparently soft soaped someone to get 29.  DiBiase is the final entrant.  Rooster goes out with a Flair Flip.  Brutus and Herc go out together.  Out goes Barb.  Down to the final four.  Martel is gone.  One shot sends Akeem out.  Ted is eliminated.  Big John Studd is your winner.  Virgil got a beat down of his own after the match.

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TO THE BACK.  Gene gets Randy Savage's reaction to Hulk eliminating him.  A man in his position can't afford to look ridiculous.   Macho is awfully sarcastic about patching things up with Hogan.


DQ Count: 0 out of 4 matches.


The Rumble itself was a massive leap over the first one in terms of lay out, over all story, and pushing individual storylines through out the match.  Leaps and bounds.  John Studd being the winner makes no sense to me, as he had definitely peaked, wasn't going to gain any popularity from it, and wasn't going to be pushed as a big star like Hogan/Savage/DiBiase/Andre, or even the guys right below like Duggan and Jake.  Seems like a huge wasted opportunity.  The 6 man tag was pretty boss.  Gorilla and Jesse calling guys out for doing stupid shit in the Rumble never got old.


Angles progressed: Mega Powers vs Twin Towers, Mega Powers EXPLOOOODDDE, Brainbusters vs Rockers, Andre vs Jake, DiBiase using his money to buy the title/30th entrance/whatever he wants.  When I look at the WM5 card, the only matches that happened that seemed likely coming out of the Rumble was Hogan vs Savage and Andre vs Jake.  Studd was a special guest ref at WM and would be gone by Summer.

WWF Royal Rumble 1988

The inaugural Royal Rumble show.  There was a house show version in 1987 that had a terrible crowd and has been ignored harder than the pre 1993 King of the Rings.
 


Rick Rude vs Ricky Steamboat

Sounds like a pretty killer opening match.  Rude goes to work right away with the fisticuffs.  Steamboat comes back with some chops.  Ricky skins the cat.  These are two of the most attractive wrestlers of all time.  Rude gets back dropped over the ropes and hits his lower back hard on the apron.  Test of strength.  Rude got the better of it, but Dragon gets out with some wacky Euro styled stuff.  Dragon goes to work on Rude's left arm.  Arm drag!  More chops and another arm drag.  Rude uses cheap tactics to get out and returns to the fisticuffs.  I bet he's jelly of Ricky's quads.  Arm drag!  Rude seems to like hitting Ricky right in the eye.  Vince doesn't like that one bit.  Jesse has been getting boners over Rude the whole match.  Rude slaps on a camel clutch.  Steamboat has that weird spot where his arm would drop 3 times, but the ref would let the match continue.  He's the only guy I saw do that more than once on a botch.  It drove Jesse crazy and I'm not sure why he did it as often as he did.  Ricky squats up with Rick on his shoulders.  The comeback was short lived as we go back to the camel clutch.  Jesse calls out Vince's hypocrisy.  Bridge spot leads right into a series of near falls. Rude pulls the ref in the way of Steamboat's cross body.  Canadian back breaker.  The ref rings the bell.  Rude's music played, so I guess Steamboat submitted.  I figured it was a DQ.  As it turns out, it was.  Steamboat wins!  Rude came back in the ring to argue with Dave Hebner.  This was decent, but not a patch on their WCW matches.

 
 

TO THE MEAN GENE.  Dino Bravo is attempting a bench press world record.  Jesse Ventura is his spotter.  Dino Bravo is going for 705 pounds.  That Barney Rubble looking mother fucker.  415 is the warm up weight.  He wants the crowd to be silent while he does this.  Dino easily busts out a set.  We move up to 505.  No problem.  555.  A bit of a struggle this time.  595.  He gets it up 3 times, but he's doing half lifts.  Not full extension.  The kind you did in gym class.  Still, 595 LEGIT is pretty gnarly.  655.  Jesse is ALL OVER Vince for Vince trying to incite the crowd to make noise.  He got it up, but it was wobbly.  715 is up next.  But it is unofficial as the bar will have to be weighed later.  Dino walks out because the crowd won't be silent.  Jesse gets on the fans and is totally in the right.  He just wants the fans to give Dino a chance even if they don't like him. DINO BRAVO HAS BROKEN THE WORLD RECORD!  And he did it all by himself! He's the strongest man in the world!

 
 

Glamour Girls vs Jumping Bomb Angels WWF Women's Tag Team Championships

 I don't really know the names of any of these dames, so I'll leave you with some gifs.  "First of all, a person of your stature knows nothing about weight lifting."  The Jumping Bomb Angels won 2 falls to 1 after a double missile dropkick.  New champions!  So bizarre to see a legit, no bullshit women having an actual wresting match before 2014. They didn't slow down at all.  It was full speed the whole time.  No rest holds or rest spots.  At no point did Jesse or Vince refer to the looks of the women, there were no sexy spots.  It was an actual wrestling match with women in the WWF.

 
 

We're shown highlights of Hogan/Andre.  Vince and Jesse argued over the controversy in that match.  We are then shown Ted DiBiase saying he's going to buy the WWF Championship.  Hulk Hogan refused to sell the title.  HELL NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!  Highlights of Andre attacking Hogan after a match on SNME.  Ted DiBiase bought Andre's contract with the purpose of buying the WWF Championship once Andre beats Hogan.

TO THE MEANBROTHERJACKDUDE.  The official contract signing between Hogan and Andre for their rematch on 2/5/88 on SNME in Indianapolis.  Jack Tunney is also in the ring.  Andre looks like a cool fucker just lightly bouncing off the ropes, chill as can be.  Andre takes his sweet time getting to the table.  Giant mind games.  Ted shit talks Hogan, getting in that giant cranium.  Andre finally signs the contract after staring at it for a few minutes, making Hulk nervous.  Hogan is attacked!  Andre flips the table and Hogan over, then calmly leaves the ring.

 
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Royal Rumble

There were only 20 men for this.  Bret Hart (who was so gassed up) and Tito Santana were the first two entrants.  A new man enters every 2 minutes.  Butch Reed is the next entrant.  It was more like 45 seconds, not 2 minutes.  Jim Neidhart is entrant 4.  Tito is in trouble.  Jake is 5 and immediately eliminates Reed before dismantling the Hart Foundation.  Dude is fucking over.  Anvil saved Bret from a DDT.  Piledriver to Chico.  It's Harley Race!  Jim Brunzell!  He got a huge pop.  Sam Houston is out next.  He saves Jake right away.  They are half brothers, after all.  Tito is out by the Hart Foundation.  Dangerous Danny Davis is out next.  Harley does his teeter totter spot.  Boris Zhukov.  Gross. Vince keeps calling him Nikolai.  Don Muraco and Nikolai Volkoff come out.  They brawl and Muraco was the legal entrant.  Out goes Zhukov.  Lol, Jesse is tired of Vince's barbs and Vince is about to hear from Barry Bloom. Vince will be hearing from Barry a lot in a few years.  Volkoff gets to enter now.  Out goes Harley.  It's Jim DOOGAN!  He and Harley got into it on the floor.  Duggan is as over as Hogan was earlier.  Ron Bass is next.  The Bee is out.  Brian Blair is out to take his place.  Hillbilly Jim!  He tosses Anvil out right away.  Here comes Dino Bravo.  Houston is eliminated from the top of Bass' shoulders.  It's the ULLLLLLTIMATE WARRRIORRR!  He eliminates Bret, who lasted from 1 to 18.  One Man Gang!  Remember when he jobbed to Konnan?  Out goes Blair.  And Jake.  The Junkyard Dog is the final entrant.  Out goes Volkoff.  Then Hillbilly.  There goes the evil ref.  It took 2 guys to get rid of the Warrior.  Jesse wishes Bruno had been in there, just to see him take some lumps.  Out goes JYD.  Then Bass.  Final four are Muraco, OMG, DOOGAN, and Bravo.  Out goes Muraco.  Gang accidentally eliminates Dino.  Duggan wins! 

 
 

Recap of the contract signing.

TO THE DeGEORGE. Hulk, who has changed shirts from earlier, has some words for Andre.  You can't break Hogan or his Hulkamaniacs, brotherjackdude.


The Islanders vs The Young Stallions

2/3 Falls

Another 2/3 falls match?  Interesting.  This is the actual main event, which is weird.  80s house show booking for some reason.  I believe there was a Jim Powers/Meng match in Thunder once.  Jesse is about to put the boots to Vince.  Vince claims Tama can hang upside down from his toes.  Jesse thinks it was a racist remark.  Islanders win the first fall via count out.  In between falls, the recapped the contract signing again.

TO THE DeGEORGE.  Andre and Ted respond to Hogan.  Again, this is in between falls.  That's a long rest break for those guys.  Ted always gets what he wants.  Andre is going to choke the life out of Hogan and Hulkamania.

The second fall begins.  Really nothing of note in either fall except for the final moments of the second fall where Jim Powers started botching everything.  The Islanders won 2 straight falls after Paul Roma tapped out to a half crab after injuring his leg in the first fall. 

 
 

The show ends with Jesse and Vince arguing over the Bravo bench press and thoughts on Hogan/Andre.

 
 

DQ Count: 1 out of 4 matches.


Pretty decent show.  Obviously there would be much better Rumbles to come, but it was a good enough proof of concept.  Duggan was as over as anyone from 1987-1990ish.  I had forgotten how unbelievably stiff the ring was in the 80s.  Zero give.  It's like a lucha ring.  The women's match was probably the best actual wrestling match on the show.