WWF Raw Is War 7/30/01
Tazz vs Chris Jericho
Tommy Dreamer and Paul Heyman are with Tazz. Tommy takes Michael Cole to the back, and Paul Heyman resumes his position as color man for Raw. Tazz goes on to get solo promo time to talk about how great The Alliance is and how well they're going to do tonight. Why Tazz is doing this is anyone's guess. Once Jericho stops talking, he wins in about 45 seconds.
TO THE BACK. Vince McMahon has decorated Rock's locker room with every piece of merch the WWF has for him. Regal and Tajiri come in with pies. Vince explains what kind of pie Rock really likes. Tajiri had taken a slice of the blueberry pie.
Tajiri vs Rob Van Dam WWF Hardcore Championship
Indie KARATE respek stand off to start this. Then Tajiri gets Rob in the mouth. Rob has some FIERCE swamp ass. The match is 2 minutes in. How could your ass possibly be that sweaty so quickly? This is the first time Tajiri really got to be ECW Tajiri in the WWF, what with his multiple chair shots and trying to kill RVD. RVD won with a frog splash on a chair. Title retained.
TO THE BACK. Austin, Steph, and Shane have decorated their own locker room for Rock. Debra made cookies. Booker is pissed about this stuff. Nick Patrick arrives to say Rock is 5 minutes away. Book almost throws up after eating one of the cookies.
Elsewhere, Vince is heading to greet Rock when he runs into Big Show. He wants to run some marketing ideas by Vince. "Right now I don't give a damn if you call yourselves Double Trouble Crap On A Stick!" Big Show thought Double Trouble had some real potential.
TO THE COLE. Mike talks to WCW Champion Kurt Angle about his no DQ rematch against Booker tonight. Mary Lou Retton was so inspired by Kurt's win that she now has the the confidence to return to public. He's officially challenging Steve Austin to a title match at Summerslam.
TO THE PARKING LOT. The McMahons argue over who will be greeting Rock. A limo arrives. It's KANYON! LOLOLOLOLOL. BUT WHO WAS LIMO?!?!?!
Matt Hardy/Lita vs Hurricane Helms/Torrie Wilson
Why is Torrie teaming with Hurricane? They have had no interactions. Oh my god, Paul has said LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR at least 5 times already. Torrie and Lita have a very bad exchange, then the men have a completely forgettable exchange. Torrie COMPLETELY missed her cue, three times in a row, to low blow Matt. So much so that Matt had to hit the TOF when he clearly wasn't supposed to, and then Helms had to no sell it to roll Matt up.
TO THE BACK. Austin gets Booker hyped up to regain his title tonight. "Last time I had 3 or 4 of those, I crapped for 3 days straight." Debra's cookies.
TO WWF NEW YORK. Test is pissy that the APA thought he'd jump to WCW, but he's staying with the WWF.
Kurt Angle vs Booker T WCW Championship
A no DQ title match as the hour one main event? Expect some fuckery. OH WHAT A SURPRISE, Alliance members attack Kurt before the match even starts. It takes way longer than it should for the WWF guys to show up, and a big brawl breaks out while Booker is hiding in the crowd. The match hasn't even start and we have 20 run ins. The match also goes to break BEFORE IT EVEN STARTS, and Booker is now in control when the show comes back. Kurt pretty much immediately fires up and it's like nothing happened to him. So here's the deal: Booker T, the biggest star to come in from WCW, is treated as a performer who needs run ins from 20 guys and multiple distractions from Shane McMahon to get any offense. Even then, that certainly doesn't mean he's going to win even if Austin himself interferes.
TO THE BACK. The fight still continues in the back. Lol at Scotty 2 Hotty beating up Mark Jindrak.
Austin hits the ring as Booker is in the ankle lock. Kurt knocks him around, and Austin goes flying into Earl, who goes flying to the floor. Little Naitch comes sprinting down the aisle to count a pin for Booker, but Angle kicked out. He then decks Charles. Austin pops up to hit a stunner. Earl is thrown in the ring and Booker T has regained his championship. Boy, my fuckery detector never lies.
TO THE BACK. The Hardys are brawling with Helms and Justin Credible. Austin runs by them and heads to the parking lot, where his truck is waiting.
TO THE BACK. Debra offers Kurt some of her cookies. Actually, the cookies were for The Rock. Kurt threatens Debra, then tells her THE TRUTH: "These cookies suck!"
Edge & Christian vs Lance Storm/KANYON
KANYON!!! He should shoot on Edge for stealing his finishers. Shout out to Lance/Kanyon doing Quebecers' spots. Christian spends most of the match in the ring. Once Edge gets the hot tag, he has Lance down with the spear, but Kanyon hits a flatliner on one of the titles. REVENGE, MOTHER FUCKER. Who betta?
TO THE BACK. The Alliance celebrates Booker's win. And by The Alliance, I mean Shane, Steph, and O'Haire/Palumbo. That's it. Kurt barges in and chases Booker away.
Elsewhere, Vince is pacing, pissed about the title situation. Regal comes in to say that it appears Rock is actually on his way this time.
Billy Kidman vs X-Pac WWF Light Heavyweight Championship/WCW Cruiserweight Championship
Title for title! Lol at Kidman getting face pops for sneak attacking X-Pac. X-Pac hits a crazy over the top rope hip toss and follows it with a tope. Then he gets his balls squashed on the post. They go back and forth for a few minutes, ending with an avalanche X-Factor to unify the titles. Kidman sure is doing whatever he can to make sure he's noticed every week. That's more than what most of the WCW guys are doing, since the majority seem pretty content to blend into the big blur of the brawls and leave it at that.
TO THE PARKING LOT. Everyone has gathered once again for Rock. The limo with ROCK1 on the license plate has...The Fink in it. BUT WHO WAS LIMO?!?!?!
TO THE COACH. Dudleyz are going to put Sara through a table tonight. Then they basically threaten that DDP is going to rape her.
TO THE BACK. THE ROCK HAS RETURNED IN FRONT OF THE ROCKY BALBOA STATUE!
Dudley Boyz vs Brothers of Destruction
Since these guys aren't DDP, maybe they'll get some offense on the Taker family. In reality: Lol. Nick Patrick moves a table to save D-Von, then DDP showed up to low blow Taker. This was all to set up Sara to get powerbombed through a table, but she bit Bubba until Taker could recover to hit an avalanche chokeslam through a table to win. Just to be clear here: Taker/Kane just beat the Dudleys in their signature match even with a ref in their pocket and a run in.
TO THE BACK. Vince is on his cell, telling whoever that he's on his way to the ring to welcome Rock. Elsewhere, Shane and Steph also head to the ring.
TO THE PARKING LOT. A limo arrives. This time, it's THE ROCK! BUT WHO WAS LIMO?!?!?!
The McMahons are all in the ring. Here comes THE ROCK! HE'S BACK! BUT WHOSE SIDE IS HE ON?!?!?! Now comes the time for the hard sells. Shane reminds Rock of why he was suspended in the first place. If Rock comes back to the WWF, Vince has no intention of screwing Rock again, but he can't promise it wouldn't ever happen again. If it was the right thing for business. The devil that you know, compared to the devils that you don't. ROCK BOTTOM TO VINCE MCMAHON! THE ROCK HAS JOINED THE ALLIANCE! ROCK BOTTOM TO SHANE MCMAHON! WHOSE SIDE IS HE ON?!?!? "Finally, The Rock has come back...to the WWF."
Isn't it just fascinating that none of the WCW guys can win a match without interference and cheating? Even the guys JR hypes as being great wrestlers and great athletes still need help from one or multiple members of the Alliance, or use a weapon or low blow to get a win. The WCW Championship is being used as a prop for the WWF Championship feud, for fuck's sake. The only guys in the Alliance who can get wins on their own are RVD and Rhyno. Undertaker continues to make every Alliance member he faces look like dog shit.