Planet Of The Apes (PSX, 2001) Part Two
Human Village 1
It's nice that you got to take a nap. Still, Ulysses complains about it not being long enough. Dude, come on. As soon as you're about to have a moment with Nova, the apes start a siege on the village. This means you have to fight a bunch of apes, which means you're likely going to die a lot on this stage. A new mechanic is introduced: Light fires with your poker. You place them over fires until they are white hot, and then you can light pieces of wood that are not yet on fire. You'll need to do light all that you see because to get to the next area, you have to light a wooden blockade on fire. There is a scene of a gorilla dropping a human into a well as he screams and screams. And because of the often bizarre voice work in this game, the human sounds like Freddy Krueger from ANOES 2. Actually, so do most of the apes. And generally, everyone who isn't Zaius or Cornelius sounds like random homeless people found on the street to record dialogue.
Human Village 2
Jesus FUCK this stage. For one, the apes respawn, which you likely won't figure out until you've been killed thirty times. So instead of fighting, you should just run away until they stop following you or run into something. It takes forever. You'll find Bosko's house. He greets you with AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGG. Because now he's dying. He was fine the last time we saw him. But now he's about to die and wants you to save his son, who is tied up somewhere in the area. Since there is a knife, you probably should pick it up since you'll need to use it. Or, you could be like me and find the kid first, then find Bosko, then go back to the kid. Basically, this entire game I did everything in the opposite order. Anyway, this took me DAYS to beat. Fucking hated it. You can't untie the kid when there are apes around. The asshole kid doesn't even thank you when you free him. He runs straight home. You go back to see the tearful goodbye, where Bosko tells his son to stop being a pussy. He tells you how to get to the next area, which is by crossing a broken bridge on a zip line. Really starting to get sick of this game.
Human Village 3
Jesus MOTHERFUCK THIS STAGE. The whole fucking concept is that there are two jars you have to place an an altar in a church or some shit. You figure out which ones they are because there are two murals on completely opposite sides of the stage that have the Greek letter on the jars you need to use. One of which you find completely on accident because it is hidden as a generically shitty looking wall that you have to luck into figuring out you need to touch to reveal. Also, there are hyenas and wolves. And everything looks exactly the same, so you'll get lost here more than at the start of the game. I whittled this shit down to a few minutes, but I had almost two hours of footage of just this stage. FUCK THIS STAGE. FUCK THIS GAME. FUCK THESE APES. FUCK UBISOFT. Fuck. This is around the time when I wanted to die and give up on it. This game is so fucking long, bolstered by the fact that you're going to spend forty-sixty extra minutes on each stage getting lost because you have no idea what to do or because everything looks the same.
Thankfully, this is just a cut scene. You finally meet Mathias. He talks more about this prophecy bullshit and discusses the report from Cornelius. You've just got to talk to Corny, so off to the University you go. BY EZEKIEL'S BEARD!
It's a little weird that there are armed guards all over the school, right? Since this is the university, the technology is a little better. Video phones and shit. Luckily for you, the video part doesn't work, so you can fake your way into meeting up with a hot coed by pretending to be someone looking for a roommate for an apartment. The ad for which you find in the bathroom. Apes use squat toilets, btw. The only way you can get out of here is to head to the chemistry room to drop sulfur into a vat of acid, which sets off the smoke alarms. CHEMISTRY, BITCH! Of course, you also need to get a code to enter the door to get the sulfur, first, because this game is hell bent on annoying the shit out of you.
You're stuck in a little room. Go dig around and you might find a medipack. The only way to get out is to use the laser machine to melt/explode the window to the room and then kill the ape that comes to kill you right after. How would you use that for anything? I mean, that machine seems super, super overpowered. It melts glass. Wouldn't that pretty much destroy anything you could use it on? You have to use a speaker box to get a doctor ape out of one room and into another, where you kill him, even though he's defenseless and tiny. You then go into the room he was in and get in what appears to be a MRI machine, but actually is a tube system that transports you across campus. You'll then quickly find Cornelius, who seems to know who you are, and he drops a exposition like a bag of shit. You see, his work of human/ape hybrids and transplants is being used by Ursus to incite genocide or some shit. "A higher race of gorillas?!?" Ursus is basically Hitler in this game.
Another short cut scene that explains that resistance leader Jonah has been captured. You have to go to prison to get him. Fucking great. Can't these humans do anything for themselves?
Another cut scene showing you getting into the prison.
Apparently the cut scene was prison 2 and 3 as well. Good. That's just less shit to play. This is kind of a weird stage. Obviously, you're at a prison. You get to play with an electric chair. In fact, you have to, because it then breaks and a guard you have to kill checks on it. And there is a morgue with blood everywhere near by. You'll get a rewritable card that will give you access to cell one. Now, the graphics are so shitty that I couldn't tell it was one, so I died many times accidentally setting off alarms. But it is cell one. That's where Jonah is. He has an electric collar on that will blow up if he's out of his cell for a certain amount of time. This means...he becomes a suicide bomber to get you out of the building. Literal jihadist shit here. This game is weird.
Great, more maintenance work. You straight up have to use a screwdriver to fix shit. There's fixing, climbing, jumping, pushing, key cards. Fuck this game. Please let it end. This is the longest god damn game I've ever played. You even get to hang and play over a giant fan that makes you fly. All just to get out of the base. You aren't even doing it to get something cool. It's just to get out of the base because you just had to go save Jonah who was a suicide bomber. What a waste of time.
Another cut scene where you tell the gang that Jonah died. Not how he died. Of course, Mathias wants to give up on the whole thing now because he's a fucking bitch who can't do shit for himself. Fuck you, Mathias. You moist ass bitch. Ulysses has to convince him to keep this whole thing going, even though Mathias is the one that recruited him. What a fuccboi.
Another FUCK YOU mission. So much stupid shit going on in this game. Again, this stage isn't even like you get something. You're just there. It doesn't help you on your mission. Since this is a factory, there is a giant squisher thing, because those are in all factories. You have to blow it up. Which is a pain in the dick. To get to where you get the explosives, you have to kill two apes. One with a gun. So you can attack one and the other will kill you. The only way I could get past it was to bump one off the edge near the squisher thing and hope that the other one didn't kill me. It took many, many tries. Then you get the explosives from a hole in the wall that leads to...another ape sleeping on the job. Look, you guys are fucked if you keep hiring such derelict pieces of shit. This is like the fifth ape sleeping on the job that I've come across and it isn't even the last one in the game. They don't even wake up when you're beating the shit out of them. You'll find a crowbar and pry open a box with explosives. Then you go to where the squisher machine is, climb above it, and throw it in the smokestacks. Then you can crawl underneath the squisher and out to...not freedom because this game will never fucking end. How lucky did Ulysses get that the machine stopped all the way up when it was blown up instead of on a down cycle? Then he never would have been able to get out.
Lucky you, your health carries over from the last mission. So if you were almost dead, good fucking luck. You have to sneak around cameras and apes with guns, so pretty much one shot and you're dead. There is a can of poison you can get that I didn't realize how to use until after I finished the level. You time where the camera is going to be and climb up one of the giant tape players and onto the top level. There, you'll find a room where you can control a Roomba and enter locked rooms. I'm pretty sure you can suck up the poison with the Roomba and then spray it on apes in the control room, but I don't know. This stage is a real piece of shit. You see, there is a door that can only be unlocked with a code. However, you can't see the code. You hear the code. So you have to try to figure out the audio code that all sounds the fucking same. Even the ONE online walkthrough has the wrong colors, so it took me fucking forever to get this god damn door open. Fucking forever. Days. I almost gave up on the game at this point. Once you get in there, you find a rewritable card. On the bulletin board is the password you'll need to change your access level so you can leave. Another "find the key to exit" bullshit mission. For real, fuck this game.
More fucking cameras. You'll find a tape that you can play and listen to of a doctor talking about human experiments and cracking terrible jokes while the other ape in the audio only responds with "REALLY?" I swear this goes on for five minutes. "Really?" "REALLY?" "ReAlLy?!?" Jesus Christ. I'm sure someone thought this was super clever writing, but god damn you, it wasn't. Outside, you'll meet a dude who tells you where a woman is hidden. So you'll go there and free this broad, who then will help you find a key with a map and knocking on pipes and shit. I don't know why she couldn't just give you the god damn key instead of making you go through all this bullshit. I'm so sick of this fucking game.
This is probably the hardest level in the game. There is a giant sentry gun that you have to go to the basement to take control of to blow up the sensors that only recognize ape hands. Then you have to shut down some dipshit machine and fight a baboon. Then you go back up and there is a floor that trips an alarm. Apparently there is a way to get across without tripping it, but I couldn't figure it out. Another baboon will come to karate kick your dick. Then there is a camera. Then you have to use a keygen machine to get into the room where you find the last piece of this stupid thing you've been searching for that will save the world or some shit. And as soon as you grab it, the alarms go off and ANOTHER baboon will arrive to fuck your world up. So many deaths. I finally did all this shit and then escaped in the back of an ape truck.
Another cut scene. You combine the three pieces into a cube that then glows and brings up a holographic map. Of course, that's where you're heading to next.
As you might imagine, that map was leading you to the Statue of Liberty. Complete with "God...damn you all to hell!" and "You maniacs, you finally did it!". Why didn't they just go ahead and make this game a straight version of the first movie? Why aren't you just Taylor instead of this tool? Unlike Taylor, you get to go inside the statue, which is cavernous and full of heavy machinery and eyeball robots that shoot lasers. You have to shut down a giant reactor so you can kill the power so you can get a key and then go all the way back to the start of the fucking stage like an asshole because the makers of this game wanted you to feel how they felt working on it for three years. SO many of these fucking stages have the "get to the end of the stage, head back to the start" bullshit to pad it out. Fucking sick of it. Fuck you, Ubisoft. At this point, I'd rather it have based on the Tim Burton dogshit. I hate everyone involved in the creation of this garbage.
I don't know what happened to Pentagon 1. It might have explained how the Statue of Liberty and Pentagon are now connected. You'll find three weird beings in tubes of water. One of them is dead. If you try to use the computers, you'll have to give a vocal ID, which is denied because you ain't cleared for shit, dawg. What this means is that you'll have to aimlessly search around for a tape recorder and record a recording of the last president of the United States essentially saying the apes won and earth is lost. You'll go back and play that into the computer, which wakes up the beings. I think they are aliens. Perhaps genetically engineered humans. One of them is British. The other is an annoying shithead. Oh, they were humans who decided to connect themselves to computers to live forever and be a defense system. It all has something to do with the Ark Project, which of course they will not reveal the details of because this game is a cunt. With giant bats, giant rats, humans in the Singularity, and keys everywhere. But they will tell you where you need to go, at least. How nice of them.
Now we have the fun task of finding a syringe of the president's blood so you can shoot it into a thing that controls and elevator that takes you to a general in a room full of gas that you can only shut off by pulling a light fixture. This game is dumb as fuck. And you know what great thing you get for all this? Another hologram disc, which means you're going to have to go back to the monastery at some point. Housed here are a ton of WMDs and the plan of the Singularity fuck heads is to trick you into blowing them all up. SWERVE! Pieces of shit. Earth is already fucked. Why blow it up now? You're telling me these things who can communicate telepathically and somehow broadcast themselves onto TVs can't control that button themselves? When did this earth become full of such lazy assholes? You escape by going through a force field and using the special box to open a door. Why yes, those three magical pieces that you've been looking for the whole game combine to be a FUCKING KEY SO YOU CAN OPEN ANOTHER GOD DAMN DOOR. This whole fucking game is one big "get the key and open the door" mission.
This is a fully rendered video, so this must be the end of the game. Finally. You get into a capsule that takes you through a series of tubes where some dudes telepathically tell you the history of the downfall of humanity. And they reveal what the Ark Project is: An underground colony of humanity. They've developed telepathy and are assholes. You see, they split into two groups long ago and the other group went to the surface and are presumed dead. Ulysses knows that isn't the case and wants the Akanites to help him free humanity, since they have all the weapons and technology that the humans above ground don't have. So they walk away like punk ass bitches. Of course they do. And why are they the Akanites? Shouldn't it be "Arkanites"?
Wait, seriously, it's not over? Another cut scene? You head back to the monastery and play the hologram, which is the last president saying basically the same shit as the weak ass Akanite fuckheads. 100% unnecessary.
Oh my god its not fucking over. Jesus fuck. Now I have to sneak into the Ape Council meeting so I can free Nova by revealing all of this and Hitler's plans to Zaius. Of course, ANOTHER FUCKING KEY MISSION. And instead of killing you on the spot for breaking into the meeting, Zaius hears you out and arrests Ursus, who you directly compare to Hitler. Then he lets Nova free and lets Ulysses go because he brought up something that was to the benefit of ape kind. When the other apes get pissy about it, he explains this whole think my Ulysses look like a pussy who was afraid to fight, so now they have nothing to fear. After traveling in the desert, Ulysses comes across the top dwellers and the Akanites, united and in front of a giant city. So...did they build that city in the time Ulysses was away? Was it always there? Is it another group of people that have been living there this whole time? I tuned out during the Akanite speech earlier. It doesn't matter, because this game is fucking over.
FUCK THIS GAME. Do not play it. It is utter and complete trash. Awful controls, disgusting visuals, incredibly repetitive gameplay, hilariously awful voice acting, terrible story. It's absolute garbage. This very well might be a worse addition to the franchise than the Burton movie.
There was also a GBA/GBC version made, which is a completely different game. You play as another astronaut sent to find Taylor. It plays more like the original Prince of Persia and your goal is to collect flags. I played a bit of it and shittily replaced the background with Taylor laughing from the first movie. In my few minutes of playing, it had better graphics, controls, and music than the PSX version.
Here is the playlist if you're truly a savage.