WCW Monday Nitro 1/3/00

It's a new year and thankfully Nitro is back to 2 hours. The last Nitro of 1999 ended with Scott Steiner SWERVING the wrestling world and Sid, and Bret Hart attempting vehicular homicide on live television. In response, WCW will appoint a new commissioner to keep the nWo in check.

TO THE AIRPORT. A jet arrives. BUT WHO WAS JET?!?!

The lethal lottery tag tournament continues and concludes tonight.

Buzzkill/Mike Rotunda vs Harris Brothers

Kevin Sullivan is still in college. Did you know that? He's on commentary making dick and tit jokes. It's weird. Standards and Practices come out to cover up Leia Meow. This causes the Varsity Club to attack them, leaving Brad Armstrong to get attacked and lose the match. I don't think IRS even tagged in the match. Varsity Club attacked DOA after the match, but bailed almost immediately.

TO THE BACK. A limo arrives at the airport. The nWo were watching on a monitor. They don't give a shit who the commish is. BUT WHO WAS LIMO?!?! Some names being bounced around were Bruno Sammartino and Tom Zenk. Elsewhere, Bret Hart arrived, only to be attacked by Sid. After the break, the rest of the nWo checks on Bret. A little late for that. The paramedics who came out to help were attacked. By the way, the nWo were watching when Bret arrived, so they saw him getting attacked, yet didn't leave the locker room to help him until after the break when Sid was gone. 

TO THE INTERSTATE. Police are escorting the limo containing the new commissioner to the arena. BUT WHO WAS LIMO?!?!

TO THE MEAN SCUM. Gene caught up with DDP, informing him of his match with Buff getting booked for Souled Out. He had said he wouldn't wrestle until he got the match, and now is wondering why they even sent him a ticket to Nitro since the match isn't until the PPV. "Man, our travel department sucks." Curt Hennig is sent to inform him that DDP is wanted in the ring tonight.

PG-13 vs Scott Steiner/Kevin Nash

Why does PG-13 come out to ICP music, when ICP had their own music dubbed over for them on the Network? DDP hit the ring had laid both guys out with Kanyon Cutters before the match even began. BANG! Easy win for the nWo.

TO THE BACK. Bret and Jeff head to the ring with bats and guitars. Elsewhere, the limo is still on the way to arena. BUT WHO WAS LIMO?!?!

The full nWo comes out to rant. Well, Hall is missing, but I guess we're just supposed to accept that he had to go back to rehab or something. Bret rambles about that big stupid dummy Sid. Bret is gonna have some FUN tonight. Jeff stumbles over his promo on Benoit. Nash shits on the whole concept of the commissioner, because it isn't like that will stop them from breaking rules. Scott says...idk, I can't understand half of the words he says. This shit goes on forever. 

TO THE BACK. The limo arrives. BUT WHO WAS LIMO?!?!

Crowbar/David Flair vs Lash LaRoux/Midnight

Straight Shootin' Stevie Ray joins for commentary to talk about that jacked up hoochie causing family problems. David has some of his classic selling in this. This is terrible. Just terrible. This whole show has been terrible so far. Lmao, Stevie just straight up punches Midnight in the face. So casual about it. Tony Marinara and the Mamalukes come out. Booker comes out and fights with Stevie. Stevie hits Booker and Midnight with a slapjack. There is a match going on, but no one gives a fuck. The Mamalukes beat on Lash. Crowbar and David lock up and start rolling around the ring. David ends up pinning Lash. Just to clear this up: A run in from Stevie on Midnight, a run in from Booker on Stevie, a run in from the Mamalukes on Lash, and David/Crowbar breaking out into their own match during their tag match. Fuck.

TO THE BACK. Stang Luger and Liz are heading to the ring. Elsewhere, the limo has arrived. Who could it be? WHO WAS LIMO?!?! Elsewhere elsewhere, Lash argues with Disco about the Mamalukes. They show up and beat up Lash. Again.

Lex and Liz come to the ring. Lex apparently has to have a match, so he calls out some random, no name guy...who happens to be Tank Abbott.

Tank Abbott vs Total Package

Lex refuses to have the match. Liz sprays pepper spray in Tank's face, and Lex leaves. Jerry Flynn hits the ring to attack Tank. The complete lack of reaction from the crowd is incredible. A crow was on the entrance ramp, staring Lex and Liz down.

TO THE BACK. The nWo heads out to the limo with their bats. Security prevents them from doing anything. BUT WHO WAS LIMO?!?!

Rob Garner, a representative of the WCW front office, comes to the ring. He announces the new WCW Commissioner: TERRY FUNK! Crowd really didn't give a shit. Terry explains why he took the job: He loves pro wrestling. REAL wrestling. He has bullet points written on his palm. He also wishes to literally kill Vince Russo and "Ed Ferrari". You see, he needed an enforcer, so he went out and got Arn Anderson. Mind you, while Arn is talking about being the old guard and the young punks in the nWo, he's younger than Bret, within months of Hall and Nash, and four years older than Steiner. The only dude he really has any years on is Jarrett, which is still under 10 years and Jeff only started 4 years after Arn. The nWo comes out. These promos are SO FUNKING LONG. Funk says that if anyone interferes in the Bret/Sid match at Souled Out, Bret will automatically lose the title. AND, Arn Anderson will be the ref. Oh, and Jeff will have to defend the US Championship tonight against Sid in a powerbomb match. Nash/Steiner are promised to get screwed. "Hey, Funk. First off, I thought you were dead." What if Punk's promo against Nash was actually a reference to the first Nitro of 2000? Why won't this shit end? I swear these two promos have felt like they've gone on for three hours. 

TO THE BACK. Funk talks with security about the night. Arn has something he wants to do on his own.

Buff Bagwell/Chris "Champag Ne" Kanyon vs Norman Smiley/Aysa

Yes, WCW really fucked up the kerning of "champagne" on the title card. And Buff laid out his own partner before the match. Norman was dressed as a mascot of a local hockey team. This show is awful. Norman accidentally hits Asya with the mascot head, then gets hit with the Blockbuster. After the match, the Revolution came to the ring. Saturn wanted to beat the shit out of Asya. Jim Duggan ran his dumb ass out and got a beat down. Kidman and Konnan hit the ring to run them off. 

TO THE BACK. Arn and Terry look for David Flair. Elsewhere, the nWo are also looking for David.

Harris Brothers vs Scott Steiner/Kevin Nash

Scott hangs out on commentary instead of joining the match. The Varsity Club hits the Harris bros with chairs. Scott then tags in, saying his brother hit them with a chair even though Rick was nowhere to be found. The nWo advances to the finals. Fuck this show.

TO THE BACK. Terry and Arn are talking to Daffney. She won't tell them where David is.

Buff Bagwell/Chris Kanyon vs David Flair/Crowbar

Bam Bam attacks Kanyon on the entrance ramp, then throws him off the stage. Vampiro comes out and fills in for Kanyon. Arn and Terry come out to talk with David. Vamp shoves Arn and gets decked by Funk. Buff hits the Blockbuster on his own fucking partner and walks out. David and Crowbar advance to the finals. FUCK THIS SHOW. Jesus Christ. Shitty night for Kanyon. 

The nWo come out (again), holding Daffney hostage. "I mean, this bitch is uglier than your mother!" I'll let you figure out which nWo member said that. David and Crowbar go searching for her in the back.

Sid Vicious vs Jeff Jarrett WCW US Championship Powerbomb Match

Sid is wearing the most hilariously ill-fitting neck brace, but otherwise seems completely fine after being ran over by a monster truck last week. What would end up being the Natural Born Thrillers are all sitting out at ringside. This match is terrible. This show is terrible. Everything is terrible. I hate life. There is a ref bump, so the ref misses Jeff getting powerbombed. Of course. Bret shows up and blasts Sid with a bat. They spray paint him, then the EMTs get beaten and painted as well.  In a match that can only be won via powerbomb, Sid wins by disqualification.

TO THE BACK. David and Crowbar are still searching for Daffney.

Kevin Nash/Scott Steiner vs David Flair/Crowbar WCW Tag Team Championships

Scott again joins for commentary. Some fan gets in his face. "Look at you. You look like shit." Nash absolutely destroys David and Crowbar. Arn comes out in a referee's shirt, flanked by security. Security distracted Scott while Arn blasted Nash in the back of the neck with the crowbar. He puts David on top of Nash. New champions! Jeff and Bret bring Daffney out . David attacks Arn. The nWo beat up security. Nash and Scott beat up Funk as Bret and Jeff kidnap Arn to end the show.

Just awful. Terrible, terrible, miserable show. Even after getting cut back down to 2 hours, the show felt twice as long as a 3 hour episode. The nWo promos would just never end, the matches were all about 3 minutes or less, and every single match had a run in before, during, or after the match. The nWo immediately points out how stupid it is for WCW to bring in a commissioner to control them, because they're always going to do whatever they want. That's kind of the point of the nWo. So now you have a face authority figure trying to screw over the top heels, but the audience doesn't really give a shit about Funk, and they love everyone in the nWo besides Jarrett. 

This was miserable.