WCW Monday Nitro 2/14/00
Nitro from New York! On Valentime's Day! Six days away from SuperBrawl! And tonight, HULK HOGAN VS RIC FLAIR! On Thunder, Nash returned (via Satellite) to book Jarrett vs Hall with the winner going on to face Sid. It ended with fuckery. Who will face Sid at SuperBrawl?!?!?!
Jeff Jarrett comes to the ring with the Harris Brothers. Fuck. No Scott Steiner, because he's suspended for his unauthorized, OUTTA NOWHERE promo on Ric Flair last week. His hoochies were there, though. Jeff sent them away. Who possibly thought Jeff Jarrett should be a top heel in a company? ANY company? Dude gets so much promo time, yet he can't go a single promo without stumbling over his words, getting lost, and repeating himself. When you have to use, "Like I said..." 5 times in a promo, you shouldn't be given that much promo time. Jeff talks for a bit until Kevin Nash pops up on the Turner Tron. The Harris Bros decide to threaten Mike Penzer unless WCW cuts off Nash's feed. This is just the worst. Kevin Nash then comes out in a wheelchair with some hot nurses. SWERVE: He was in the building the whole time! He also happens to have a baseball bat with him. Anyway, Nash books Jarrett vs Hall vs Sid for SuperBrawl. He also books Jeff vs Sid tonight, in the hopes they'll wear each other down for Hall on Sunday. The segment ends with Nash implying he's going to use the bat to penetrate his nurses.
TO THE BACK. Ric Flair, Liz, and Lex arrive. BUT WHO WAS LIMO?!?! These mother fuckers really just leave their trunk open? Elsewhere, 3 Count try to get their routine straight. Elsewhere Elsewhere, Norman Smiley tries to get Lenny and Lodi into the game, but they're more interested in RATS. Elsewhere elsewhere elsewhere, Miss Hancock walks around.
Norman Smiley/Lane vs 3 Count
I guess Lodi just went to the club to pick up some rats. LMAO, Lenny's first spot of the match is trying to do a dive after jumping off of Hurricane's back, only for him to completely crash and burn on the floor. Worse, it seemed like he was trying to dive on his own partner. Mother fucker just splattered on the floor. Stacy comes out to the table and joins on commentary. Tony begs Mark Madden to keep his mouth shut. Man, Lenny Lane fucking sucks. As Norman starts the Big Wiggle, music hits and Stacy starts dancing on the table. The match stops as all the men look at her, then she walks off. Norman locks on the chicken wang. Norman is now 4-0 against 3 Count.
TO THE BACK. Meng gets hot at Al Greene for Tank Abbott being called the toughest man in wrestling.
Rick Fuller vs Tank Abbott
Big Al is again at ringside, and Tank tries to attack him. As security is breaking them up, Rick attacks Tank. I love that Tank's entire gimmick is his brutal KO punches, yet they always miss by multiple inches. The worst worked punches.
TO THE TENAY. Mike Tenay had a sit down interview with Tank about his time in UFC. This comes down to Big Al being a cunt and Tank suggesting a SKINS MATCH at SuperBrawl, which is a leather jacket on a pole match.
TO THE BACK. Double J is on the phone with someone, I assume the WCW Championship Committee. Perhaps the Red Rooster himself. He wants his match with Sid to be a title match tonight.
TO THE MEAN GENE. Gene speaks with The Artist and Paisley. Prince will actually speak tonight. "I...like to watch." He'll be watching Psychosis.
Kidman/Vampiro vs La Parka/The Artist
Random ass shit. Queen Sharmell was hot as balls, though. Lol at the immediate double team beat down of Prince. Kidman and Vamp have this weird rivalry/friendship thing going. Perfect for a fuckery tag team. La Parka has a neat inverted color scheme to his outfit. He and Vamp seem to have some heat, perhaps going back to their AAA days. Vamp tags Kidman and immediately walks out of the match. Prince hits the flying DDT shortly after to pick up the win.
TO THE BACK. Terry Funk tapes up his fists. Elsewhere, Nash is on the phone with probably Terry Taylor, and Nash agrees to let Sid/Jeff be a title match. Elsewhere Elsewhere, Disco has a surprise for the Mamalukes: A...wedding? Backstage. At a wrestling show. A SURPRISE wedding. Backstage. At a wrestling show.
TO THE BACK. The reception continues with Vito talking to his sister, openly giving her an envelope and TELLING HER IT CAME FROM DA BUSINESS ON CAMERA. You're the worst fucking gangster I've ever seen, Vito. Fuck.
Rhonda Sing vs Mona
LOL at Rhonda coming out to Jericho's original face theme. Man, Molly was so pretty. Swoon-worthy. Of course, Oklahoma comes out to make a lot of lulz comments about women. "Now, I gotta lotta heat. I got a lotta heat." He's found a new role for Madusa: referee. He then joins for commentary. I hate to say that I actually find Oklahoma humorous more often than not. Bertha gets a big reaction for basically everything she does, because due to her size, everything she does looks like she's killing Molly. Madusa refuses to count for Bertha's pins, I assume due to a 5 year old issue. Oklahoma tries to help Rhonda win. Rhonda hits Madusa, squashes Mona, and OK counts the pin. Rhonda kisses OK after the match.
TO THE RECEPTION. You remember the wedding reception scene in The Godfather? Imagine that backstage at a wrestling show with all the production quality of 2000 era WCW.
TO THE BACK. Double J has received news that he'll get his title shot tonight. Elsewhere, Terry Funk and Lex Luger head to the ring.
TO THE MEAN BY GOD GENE. Ric Flair doesn't see Hulk Hogan as shit. Just a stepping stone to his night on the town in NYC.
The Total Package vs Terry Funk
It's really fascinating that while the WWF was running shit with new stars and the Radicalz, WCW thought people wanted to see Terry Funk/Lex Luger and Hogan/Flair in 2000. And both matches are really just to build up Flair/Funk and Hogan/Luger. In 2000. Terry attacks during Lex's pose down, which is rude as heck. It's also clear that fans actively dislike Terry Funk. At this point, Funk is a heel in an angle where Ric Flair is a genuine piece of shit who is more concerned at banging broads at 50 something while his clearly mentally fragile son gets destroyed and his best friend thinks he's a fucking asshole. Yet Flair is 100% the face in this angle with Funk as far as crowds are concerned. On top of this, they're both in their 50s. In the WWF, Mick Foley was about to retire at 35. HHH was 31. Rock was still in his TWENTIES. Undertaker, who had been around a decade and was thought to be old and past his prime at this point (while out injured and not coming back for a few months) was only 34. Meanwhile, WCW is running Flair vs Funk (two guys in their 50s) and Hogan vs Luger (two guys in their 40s) as two of their top feuds. Lex press slams Terry through a table. This mother fucker is 50+ and taking table bumps for Lex Luger and unprotected chair shots from David Flair. Sad. Although Lex being 40 whatever at the time, what an incredible body. Even with pharmaceuticals, the work needed to have Lex's body is something else. As you'd imagine, this is TERRIBLE. Terry tries a moonsault only to land on a chair. Lex attempts to break his arm, but Arn Anderson comes out and removes the chair, despite his issues with Terry.
TO THE MEAN GENE. Gene officially announces that Sid/Jarrett is a title match. However, the title being defended is Jeff's US CHAMPIONSHIP! SWERVE!
TO THE BACK. Jeff throws a fit. Elsewhere, The nurses tend to Kevin Nash, who give him some whipped cream to calm him down. Elsewhere elsewhere, Sid watches it all, confused, then laughs.
TO THE RECEPTION. Daffney catches the bouquet and David/Crowbar start a fight. Very rude.
Harlem Heat 2K Inc. LTD vs Crowbar/David Flair vs The Mamalukes WCW Tag Team Championships
God, please give me a David/Ahmed showdown. Everyone but Harlem Heat is covered in cake. Which is surprising, because if there was anyone you'd expect to be covered in cake in this match, it's Big T. This is a fucking mess, lol. OMG Stevie didn't even go down for the Slapjack. He just dropped Crowbar. Lmao. David hits Stevie with a crowbar, Vito rolls Stevie up for the win. Titles retained. Fucking Ahmed almost breaks Disco's neck deciding the slapjack needed to be a spike piledriver last second. And then he tries to do a Pearl River Plunge to Vito and falls. Lmao. Luckily, Stevie was able to help him almost hit it on JTB. A true partner. Probably saved Johnny's life by not allowing him to get dropped on his neck. David and Crowbar beat the Mamalukes with their weapons after the match until Security comes to stop them. LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL Mickie Jay tripped over the ropes and fell. Holy shit. This is amazing. What an incredible segment.
TO THE MEAN GENE. Chris Champag Ne Kanyon! Lol at his silver prop version of Big Gold belt. He's gonna give Dustin Rhodes an acting lesson tonight.
TO THE BACK. Bam Bam hypes himself up while heading to the ring. After the break, the Mamalukes are being loaded into ambulances. Vito fires up and refuses to go.
Bam Bam Bigelow vs The Wall WCW Hardcore Championship
Wall brings out a ladder. Boy do I not want to see them try ladder spots. Bam Bam wins with a flapjack through a table followed by Greetings from Asbury Park. Title retained. Knobs attacks after the match.
TO THE MEAN GENE. The Mamalukes are coming for revenge. SICILIAN STRETCHER MATCH AT SUPERBRAWL.
Dustin Rhodes vs Chris Kanyon
Why does Dustin still use his Seven music? On Thunder, Dustin got pissed at Ric Flair for letting what happened to David...ya know, happen. It reminded him of some deep seate personal issues of his own. Dustin completely squashes Kanyon. Who betta :(
TO THE MEAN BROTHERJACKDUDE. Hulk is gonna BERRY Flair tonight. You know, because New York and mobsters and stuff.
TO THE BACK. Booker heads to the ring.
TO THE MEAN SUCKA. Booker is gonna take Big T OUTTA DA GAME at SuperBrawl.
The Demon vs Booker
Fucking lol, Tony is hyping the KISS farewell tour. 17 years later, KISS is still touring and has put out multiple albums. Book VERY quickly wins with a spinebuster. Farewell, KISS.
TO THE BACK. Hulk Hogan and Ric Flair head to the ring.
Hulk Hogan vs Ric Flair
ARE YOU READY? HulkMania is about to run wild, dawgs. Holy shit at the Hogan painting zoomed in on. Pepe memes started in WCW. Fans are lit. I'll let you imagine how this went, because it's exactly like you'd imagine. Lex broke up the pin after the leg drop. Liz and Jimmy Hart got into a fight. Terry Funk hit the ring and got smashed immediately. So Hogan fights Lex and Flair off, then gets to do his whole posedown routine. AND THEN Lex hit him in the head with a bat, then broke his hand.
TO THE MEAN GENE. Sid giggles some more.
TO THE BACK. Double J and the Harris Bros head to the ring. Elsewhere, Kevin Nash is on the phone.
Then the SuperBrawl 2000 ad airs, which is entirely centered around...NWO 2000. Including Bret Hart being heavily featured. At this point, Bret was gone, Steiner was suspended, and the NWO was basically split in two.
Sid vs Jeff Jarrett WCW US Championship
Why couldn't Jeff be the one to get a brain injury and have to retire? Even though this is apparently a no DQ, they keep finding ways to get the ref to miss the cheating. Jeff attacks Mickie Jay, who has not had a good night. Jeff taps to the crossface, but with no ref around, a tree in the forest what. The Harris brehs hit the ring. Sid again gets hit with a guitar, and Jeff again pins Sid.
Ahmed Johnson is the most cursed performer in the company and it's hilarious. Everything goes wrong whenever he's on screen.