WCW Monday Nitro 12/6/99

I find it interesting that the intro still has the Nitro Girls, even though they aren't a thing anymore.

TO THE MEAN GENE. Jeff Jarrett gets to open the show in the ring with Gene. Jeff says he's the chosen one and doesn't need TPTB or The Outsiders. He calls out Dustin Rhodes for a hornyacker Bunkhouse Brawl match. He also calls out anyone and everyone up to Bret and Goldberg. He threatens Gene with his guitar. This brings out old Bird Face Tenay to mean mug. Jeff attacks him and puts him in the figure four. BREAK HIS BIRD LEGS! Goldberg saves Tenay.

TO THE BACK. Tony Marinara tells The Mamalukes that they get no more screw ups.

TO THE POWERS THAT BE. Curt tries to get Virgil a gimmick. He gets it because his new gimmick is "Shane". As in Shane McMahon. From Virgil to Vincent to Curly Bill to Shane. Bertha Faye came in asking for her opportunity.

TO THE WOODS. Finlay trains Knobs on how to be a true hardcore solider by putting him through an IRA boot camp.

Norman Smiley vs Rhonda Sing WCW Hardcore Championship

If Finlay was in the building, Norman would kick his ass. Norman called anyone out and Bertha was the one to accept. It bothers me that she was hired strictly so Russo could make fat woman jokes. Not that that wasn't a big part of her WWF run, but it was a little less transparent there since she was taken seriously as a wrestler at the same time. This is just blatant "I hired this fat broad to make fun of her every week". They have an actual match. Sadly, the wiggle was edited. Bertha goes through a table face first. Norman pins her. Title retained.

TO THE BACK. Maestro is playing the piano, complaining that the middle C is out of tune. As he checks on it, David Flair steals Symphony and shuts the lid on Stro.

TO THE POWERS THAT BE. Dr. Claw Russo wants La Parka and Hypnosis to fight right now, with the winner defending the IWGP Junior Heavyweight Championship in Juvi's place. Hypno apparently won.

TO THE BACK. Lex tries to give Liz champagne. Elsewhere, Disco and Lash find Tony Marinara all alone in his office.

Jushin Liger vs Psychosis IWGP Junior Heavyweight Championship

Juvi borked his arm, so Hypno gets to defend the title. This is the second time this year that he was defending a title he didn't even have a match for. This is the 3rd Liger match in his trip and if there isn't a Liger Bomb in this one, I will RIOT. I can't help but notice how dingy Liger's gear is. He looks like he brought a suit from 1992. Get some Oxiclean, bro. Buzzkill is walking around in the audience. Liger sends Hypno to the floor and does a crossbody. Missile dropkick from Hypno. Super rana only gets 2. Koppo kick. Liger wins with a la magistral. New champion! BULLSHIT NO FUCKING LIGER BOMBS RUSSO YOU YANKEE CUNT I HOPE YOUR GOD DAMN DICK FALLS OFF. La Parka came out and hit Hypno with a chair after the match.

TO THE BACK. Some of the Nitro Girls are playing poker. The Mamalukes show up and hit on them, asking to play strip poker. Elsewhere, Lex is still trying to make things up to Liz. He's not doing a good job. Elsewhere elsewhere, Stro is looking for Symphony. Fuck Stro. Elsewhere elsewhere elsewhere, Gene again stares at Mona's tits. To be fair, she has a boob window like Ms. Marvel or something.

Evan Karagias vs Madusa vs Mona

If one of the women win, they will get a title shot. If Evan wins, neither women will get a title shot. Evan joins color commentary. He jumped back in to save Madusa, but she pinned him. So she gets the title shot. Jeff Jarrett ran out, threw Evan out of the ring, and hit Madusa with a guitar. He then challenges Goldberg to a match later tonight.

TO THE BACK. Disco and Lash have Tony tied to a chair. Elsewhere, Lex seems to have made things up with Liz. Then she pours champagne on his head. SWERVE! This was clearly done in a bathroom, with  two chairs shoved in there to make it look like a dressing room. Elsewhere elsewhere, Stro still looks for Symphony. If he had just turned around he would have seen her and David. Elsewhere elsewhere elsewhere, Gene talks to Vamp and Jerry Only about their tag match with OK/Doc. Tonight, the nightmare begins.

Steve Williams/Oklahoma vs Vampiro/Jerry Only

OK is doing play by play on his own match. OK starts out with Vamp. The running in ring commentary is kind of funny. He got his head set knocked off. Doc throws Jerry Only around. OK hits Only with a padded chair. I wonder if there were any real plans to push Dr. Death as a serious competitor. He's so out of place in this era of WCW. OK pins Vamp an elbow from the bottom rope.

TO THE BACK. Nitro Girls and The Mamalukes are playing strip poker. The girls are working them. Elsewhere, Disco and Lash are about to tar and feather Tony. Disco put a Hitler mustache on Tony just for lols. Elsewhere elsewhere, Bret and Lex head to the arena. Elsewhere elsewhere elsewhere, Gene talks with The Outsiders. They aren't worried about their matches tonight.

Bret Hart vs Lex Luger WCW Championship

Let me get this straight. It takes WCW 2 full years to put the title on Bret, and when they do, they have him only defend his title in the hour one main event. From what I can tell, Sid is more of a main eventer than Bret right now. Lex has trouble taking off his pull away outfit because Lex isn't used to doing it on his own. Bret knocks the shit out of Lex in the ring and out. As Lex gets in control, Liz comes out. Sting is right behind her and says she has to choose between managing Lex or him. She leaves with Sting and Bret wins with the Sharpshooter. Title retained.

TO THE POWERS THAT BE. What the fuck, they reaired the Virgil segment from earlier. What the hell? What a production botch.

TO THE BACK. Midnight is walking around looking for Stevie Ray.

TO THE POWERS THAT BE. Russo now wants La Parka to stand in the corner of the office forever and hit people with chairs when he cracks his fingers. Harlem Heat come in. Russo gives them a title shot at Starrcade. They're then attacked by La Parka, Hennig, Virgil, and Creative Control.

TO THE BACK. Piper arrives in a limo. BUT WHO WAS LIMO?! He was talking about beers and ass zits. Elsewhere, David has Symphony somewhere in the building. Elsewhere elsewhere, Jerry Flynn offers another open challenge for The Block.

The Revolution come to the ring. They're now in black army gear. They reveal their own flag. TNT trying to mute chants is amazing. Shane called the US flag a piece of shit before revealing their new flag. Saturn compares themselves to the Black Panthers.

Asya vs Midnight

IT'S SABU! They have an awkward match since neither are really wrestlers. Nick Patrick was pulled out of the ring so 3 militant white men could beat on this black woman. Jim Duggan ran in for a save. He has a real board this week. The numbers game caught up to him. Shane blasted him with his cast.

TO THE BACK. Larry Z asks Mike Graham about his urgent meeting with TPTB. Elsewhere, Piper walks around talking to himself. How was this guy allowed to institutionalize someone?

TO THE NITRO PARTY. Kind of. This was Daffney's debut as a fan who wanted to host a Nitro Party and really liked David Flair.

Roddy Piper vs Creative Control I Quit Match Special Guest Referee: Roddy Piper

That's not a typo. He is the ref of his own match. As long as the bell hasn't rang, Piper can tell them what to do, so he gives the brothers a stern pat down, definitely sexual assaulting them along the way. Piper bites and low blows before getting the shit knocked out of him. He was about to get a spike piledriver on a chair when Goldberg ran in to help. He botches the jackhammer as Piper chokes the other guy out with his own tie. People get fired for that. Whichever brother quit and Piper wins. Seems like he could have just disqualified them at the start or something since he was his own ref. He and Goldberg have a weird stare down in the aisle before Piper raises Goldberg's arm.

TO THE BACK. Tony Marinara is tarred and feathered. Elsewhere, The Nitro Girls are still working The Mamalukes. Vito offers a winner take all hand. Elsewhere elsewhere, Stro finds a shoe.

Dustin Rhodes vs Meng

Dustin comes out in the Seven gear minus the paint. Meng no sells the bulldog. Double J comes out and causes a DQ. The Outsiders save Jeff from a Shattered Dreams. Meng gets hit with a guitar, but doesn't go down. Nash boots him out of the ring and powerbombs Dustin.

TO THE POWERS THAT BE. Russo asks Larry why Thunder sucks so much. Larry says none of the stars are on the show and it sucks because Russo is a shitty booker. Russo agrees about the stars and says he's going to make Thunder special again. This includes replacing announcers. Larry says the announcing is the only thing that makes sense on the show. Russo then books Hennig vs Larry. If Larry loses, he's fired. If Hennig wins, Russo is gone. Thunder got buried hardcore.

TO THE BACK. TAFKAPI makes his debut as TAFKAPI by hanging out in purple with a dove. GET IT?

Curt Hennig vs Larry Zbyszko

Larry comes out to the classic Nitro theme. This is kind of like TNA running two WCW guys in a match in 2010...which I'm positive happened. Probably in the main event of a PPV. The AWA can STICK IT, brothers. Except for Bock, and guys who also wrestled in Japan. Obviously there was a ref bump. Virgil broke up the guillotine. Arn Anderson came out and hit both heels with a baseball bat. Larry wins! That means TPTB are gone! Creative Control hit the ring and show Charles Robinson the replay. Dusty Finish! Larry is gone! Good. I'm sick of him burying everyone and putting himself over constantly.

TO THE BACK. Chris Benoit and The Outsiders head to the ring. Elsewhere, Disco sticks an apple in Tony's mouth. Elsewhere elsewhere, Vito apparently lost the bet and is naked. They saw the video of Tony Marinara (after it aired, which doesn't make sense to me, they reacted to it like they were seeing it in real time, but that wasn't possible).

Kevin Nash vs Chris Benoit

Hall was out and doing color on top of a ladder. Hall makes a bunch of insidery comments. Brain says something about Sting, which makes Hall ask for whatever Bobby's drinking. Benoit locked on the Iron Crossface. Hall hit the ref with the ladder. Benoit lays both guys out and does a cross body from the top of the ladder on Hall. Nash powerbombs him. Hall attempts the Edge on the ladder, but Sid pulled Benoit out of the hold before it could be completed.

TO THE BACK. DDP arrives. Elsewhere, The Mamalukes have their clothes back and head for Tony Marinara. Elsewhere elsewhere, Gene asks Sting about Liz and his match with Hall tonight. He doesn't really say anything even though he was talking.

The Mamalukes come to the ring. Their theme is actually better than the Main Event Mafia's was. They call Lash and Disco out. Instead, some girls come out. Oh wait, these are the strippers from last week. Disco and Lash attack from behind. Tony Marinara comes out with a pipe. Disco and Lash are carried out.

TO THE BACK. Stro is still looking for Symphony. Elsewhere, The Mamalukes put Disco and Lash in a car. Tony randomly falls to the ground for no reason. It was really strange. Disco and Lash took off in the car. SWERVE!

TO THE BLOCK. Stro unwittingly entered The Block. What's really weird is that The Block has a sepia filter and old movie style scratches you'd find in Windows Media Maker. Stro is knocked out. As Flynn left, he was hit in the head by David Flair.

TO THE BACK. Gene talks with Nick Patrick. Nick bars everyone from ringside in Sting vs Hall unless they have a legal reason to be there. Elsewhere, Sting and Liz go over paper work as they head to the ring. Sid and Vito were briefly seen hanging out. You'd think Vito would be pretty upset and not hanging out casually drinking water with Sid. Elsewhere elsewhere elsewhere, DDP laces his boots.

Sting vs Scott Hall

Nash comes out to do color and Nick Patrick didn't seem to care. Liz is out with Sting, but she has managerial papers giving her the right to be at ringside. Nash immediately gets involved on the floor and instead of calling for a DQ, Patrick just sends him to the back. He should have done that before the match started. Hall does the IRS abdominal stretch spot. Liz pepper sprays Hall. Sting wins with the Scorpion Death Lock.

TO THE BACK. David is dragging Symphony to the arena. Elsewhere, DDP heads to the arena.

David brings Symphony to the ring. He calls Stro out, but DDP comes out instead. Kanyon Cutter. BANG! DDP talks about the rumors he's heard since he's been out. The main rumor is that he wanted out of his contract to go to the WWF. ZERO need to bring up the WWF here. He also said something about people he trusts doing the wrong thing, which makes Tony bring up Kim.

Sid vs DDP

The battle of the curly blonde mullets. What a surprise, another ref bump 2 minutes into the match. Powerbomb. The Outsiders hit the ring. Chris Benoit runs in to join the fight. Jeff Jarrett then comes in. Bret Hart also comes down. Security eventually separate everyone. DDP just left. Nick Patrick grabs a mic and says Jarrett/Goldberg will be a lumberjack match because the refs aren't putting up with this shit any more. he fight continued during the break. Goldberg ran down and tried to flip over the ropes. He kind of made it. I guess.

Goldberg vs Jeff Jarrett Lumberjack Match

 Roddy Piper comes out and says he'll ref the match. Jeff won't start the match, even though he is the one who asked for it. Members of the Green Bay Packers stand at the ramp. Dustin Rhodes throws Jeff in the ring. Goldberg dominated. The lumberjacks got into a fight. Jeff hit Goldberg with a chair twice. Neither guy made it up for a 10 count, but the match continued. Nash repeatedly interfered. Bret hit Jeff with the title. Goldberg speared him. Cameras pretty much missed both. Jackhammer for the win. Has Jeff won any matches besides beating Buff?

DQ Count: This shit is like Whose Line. Don't worry about it.

More male on female violence, including 3 men beating on a woman who was sexually assaulted in the ring last week. The Revolution are full on militants now. Disco and Lash tar and feather a guy whose dad is a don. Bret Hart again defends his title in the first hour. Russo and Larry completely outright bury Thunder. The Thunder burial has to be near the top of my favorite Russo moments. They could have just gone with, "We're going to make Thunder important again". They didn't have to say it sucked and only losers wrestle on the show to make it a big deal that the top guys will be appearing on it now. And DDP's reference to a rumor of him jumping to the WWF was just an excuse to get another WWF name drop. Also, Oklahoma wrestled and pinned the real wrestler instead of the rock star non-wrestler that was also in the match.