WCW Monday Nitro 12/13/99
TO THE BACK. Jeff Jarrett and Chris Benoit are fighting. Benoit won the exchange by throwing Jeff into a conveniently placed stack of cardboard boxes.
TAFKAPI vs The Maestro
Fuck. Do we really need knock off Gorgeous George/Liberace vs a knock off Prince to start the show? My favorite thing about Stro's gimmick is that Symphony was just a woman who was getting gifts one week and we were supposed to know that she was with Stro, despite having not been on TV with him or having it explained by announcers. Both of these dudes suck. And they're both heels with stupid musical gimmicks. They should be a team instead of having a match that no one wants to see. Prince won with a roll up. Jeff Jarrett came out and hit both guys with guitars. I guess it makes sense since he was a country music superstar once upon a time. He challenges Benoit to a Bunkhouse Brawl tonight. Why couldn't Jeff have come out at the start of the match?
Tank Abbott returns to action against Meng. It's actually his debut as he never wrestled on TV when he showed up for a few shows earlier in the year. We'll also have Sid vs Dr. Death and Sting/DDP vs David Flair/Lex Luger.
TO THE BACK. Bret heads to the ring. Elsewhere, Nash is trying to get Hall for something. Elsewhere elsewhere, Madusa catches Evan flirting with Spice. Madusa attacked her and had to be held back by officials.
Bret Hart comes to the ring. He has infinite respect for Goldberg. He guarantees that Goldberg will not beat him at The WCW The Starrcade. This brings Goldberg out. He disagrees with Bret. The Outsiders come out. They want a tag title shot tonight.
TO THE BACK. Gene stares at Madusa's tits and Madusa challenges Spice to a match. Elsewhere, Piper arrives in his limo with his young boy. BUT WHO WAS LIMO?!?! Why does this cunt always talk to himself and why does no one find it odd? Elsewhere elsewhere, Terry Taylor tells Lex about his match tonight. Elsewhere elsewhere elsewhere, someone delivers a package to David Flair.
Madusa vs Spice
Evan came out to calm things down. Madusa got into a fight with him. Spice shoved her into Evan and pinned her, despite half of Madusa's body being under the bottom rope.. The Nitro Girl who isn't a wrestler just pinned probably the most well known female wrestler in America after Moolah, who has as a Cruiserweight title shot at the biggest show (allegedly) of the year in 6 days. Madusa gave Evan a German suplex after the match.
TO THE POWERS THAT BE. Russo is talking to Curt Hennig when Rhonda Sing comes in. Russo won't talk to her until she gets an agent.
TO THE MEAN GENE. Gene welcomes Jim Duggan. HOOOO! Tough guy! Duggan can't handle all the disrespect to America. He will defend America until his last breath. Except for when he joins Team Canada. As he's talking, the lights go out and static appears on the screens. As the lights flicker, Duggan was knocked out.
TO THE POWERS THAT BE. Russo says something about the power of the remote control. Piper comes in. Russo appoints Piper as the ref of Hennig vs Buff, and says Piper needs to do the right thing.
TO THE BACK. Buff heads to the ring, also talking to himself. Why do all these guys talk to themselves? Elsewhere, Lex looks for Liz. He was also talking to himself.
Curt Hennig vs Buff Bagwell Special Guest Referee: Roddy Piper
Piper says there will be no disqualifications in this match. Remember at the last PPV when these guys had a retirement match? Hennig lost. He's still wrestling. As for Buff, he seemed like he turned heel for a few weeks, but I think they gave up on it. Buzzkill comes out with a "Save the baby seals" sign. Piper fast counts Hennig. Creative Control were on the ramp looking on unapprovingly
TO THE BACK. Lex enters David's locker room. Elsewhere, Jeff Jarrett and Benoit head to the ring.
Jeff Jarret vs Chris Benoit Bunkhouse Brawl
Things start in the aisle and quickly head to the stage. Once it heads to the ring, they trade lariatoos. Jarrett baseball slides a ladder into Benoit. The ladder is used enough that it might as well be a ladder match. Jeff pulls Benoit off the ladder by his neck with a rope. Dustin Rhodes comes out and does a bionic elbow. He attempted the Shattered Dreams, but the ref wouldn't allow it. It's a Bunkhouse Brawl. There are no DQs. Instead, Jeff hit Dustin with a guitar at the same time as Dustin kicked him in the balls. Benoit went for the diving headbutt from the ladder. Jeff shoved Goldy into the ladder, sending Benoit to the mat. Jeff wins.
TO THE BACK. Lex talks to David Flair, who is rocking a headless teddy bear. Elsewhere, a Porsche arrives.
TO THE POWERS THAT BE. Piper is attacked by Russo's guys for not doing the right thing.
Tank Abbott vs Meng
They have a quick SHOOT brawl that ends in a double count out. Tank did do a pretty dope double leg takedown, though.
TO THE BACK. Kanyon was in the Porsche with some broads.
TO THE BACK. Piper was about to break into Russo's office, but was stopped by police. Elsewhere, Tank and Meng are still fighting.
The Revolution vs Harlem Heat
The lights go out. IT'S SABU! Midnight is apparently now in this match. Actually, so is Asya. A lot of Revolution miscommunications. Shane got decked. Saturn did the Terry Funk teeter totter on the ropes spot. Midnight blows her knee out on a leap frog and Dean rolls Stevie up for the win. Stevie was mad at Midnight. That fucking YAK.
TO THE BACK. Tenay talks with David and Lex. Lex says that Liz can only manage him. Piper walks by hitting things with a chair and screaming. Elsewhere, Rhonda asks Mr. Biggs to be her agent. Chavo tries to sell her some dancing outfits. Elsewhere elsewhere, Tank and Meng are still brawling.
TO THE BACK. Paul Orndorrf arrives. TPTB asked him to come
Nitro Girls dance. This is the first time in weeks. Bertha Faye joins the group. You see, it's funny because she's fat.
TO THE WOODS. Finlay is still giving Knobs an IRA training.
TO THE BLOCK. Norman walks in and gets his ass kicked. Tank and Meng's brawl finds its way down there. Meng chases Norman off and Tank and Flynn throw punches.
TO THE POWERS THAT BE. Russo fires Orndorff because he trained Midnight. He tells Russo to kiss his ass. Russo then books him in a match against Creative Control.
TO THE BACK. Goldberg drinks water. Elsewhere, Sid works out with Seth, who is a kid with Down Syndrome. Seth is going to be Sid's coach tonight. Kid even got promo time, and he was better than a lot of the guys on this show. That's pretty cool.
Steve Williams vs Sid
This match is now a suplex vs powerbomb match. This Seth kid gets it. He's bowing up and slapping hands on the way out, while looking spiffy as fuck in a suit. Doc hit Sid with OK's boot. I hope Oklahoma bumps for Seth. Instead, Vamp and the Misfits came out. Vamp got lariatooood. Powerbomb to Doc. Sid wins. OK got chokeslammed after the match. The Outsiders hit the ring and attacked Sid. Nash powerbombed Sid. Nash has made Sid look like garbage for a month straight now. Sid hasn't been able to get shit on Nash this entire feud.
TO THE BACK. Sid is checked out in the back. He appears to have a neck or brain injury. Elsewhere, Tenay talks with The Outsiders. The tag champs are next.
The Total Package/David Flair vs DDP/Sting
Tony actually brings up Sting vs Black Scorpion as a way of showing how big of a deal Starrcade is. Why would you ever mention that angle again? Sting and David start out. Stinger Splash. DDP and Sting start fighting. More Stinger Splashes. Lex attacks Sting with David's crowbar. Liz grabs it to protect Sting. Lex then gets a chair. Liz puts herself on top of Sting. David hits Lex with a crowbar. Liz pulls Sting on top of Lex for the win. I guess this was no DQ.
TO THE BACK. Meng is looking for Norman. Elsewhere, Gene talks with Chris Champagne Kanyon. Bertha Faye arrives to ask Mr. Biggs what he thought of her dancing. He has security take her away. Bam Bam shows up to talk to Kanyon about going Hollywood. Biggs intercepts him. Kanyon attacks Bam Bam. Elsewhere elsewhere, Bret laces his boots.
Bam Bam Big Yellow vs Kanyon
One of the girls with Kanyon nearly falls on the ramp. That damn stage strikes again! I find it so strange that they wrote DDP off with an injury for his role in Ready To Rumble, yet have no qualms about talking about Kanyon being a stunt man for the movie. In fact, that's now his gimmick. There was no injury angle for Kanyon, they just said he was off doing the movie. Bam Bam dominates Kanyon. Kanyon hit the Flatliner, which was his only offensive move. It won. He also renamed the move to That's A Wrap. That's as shitty of a name for a finisher as The You're Welcome.
TO THE BACK. Meng is still looking for Norman. Norman was hiding. Elsewhere, The Mamalukes are going to kill Disco tonight. Elsewhere elsewhere, Piper continues to talk to himself.
Lash LeRoux vs Big Vito Body Bag Match
Yes, Undertaker's original gimmick match, but with mid carders. This is Vito's in ring WCW debut as far as I know. Vito has such a weird body. Disco hit Vito with a chair. Lash tried to pin him because he forgot the gimmick match rules. Lash put Vito in the body bag and won. JTB hit Disco and Lash with a chain. Vito hit his cool DDT on Lash. Lash is then placed in the body bag and carried out.
TO THE BACK. The Mamalukes carry Lash out to their car. Vito forgot where he parked. While they looked for it, Lash got out of the bag.
Paul Orndorff vs Creative Control
If Paul is fired, he shouldn't have to wrestle this match. Extra wiggly elbow! Paul can still go pretty well for his age and as a guy who hadn't wrestled in years. Arn Anderson and Larry Zbyszko come out. Paul hits the piledriver. Orndorff wins! Slick Johnson came out and reversed the decision due to outsider interference.
TO THE BACK. The Outsiders warm up. Elsewhere, Piper swings a chair and talks to himself. Elsewhere elsewhere, The Mamalukes open the body bag to find Norman Smiley hiding in it.
Curt Hennig vs Roddy Piper Chair Match
Piper can't even use his left arm. He's got a torn bicep. He tore it being a ref I guess. Or maybe in the mud match last week. Maybe it's karma for ripping La Parka's bodysuit. Hennig gets hit a few times and walks out on the match.
TO THE BACK. Tenay gets a camera because Bret Hart has been attacked. Goldberg is there to check on him with a trainer.
The Outsiders vs Bret Hart/Goldberg WCW Tag Team Championships
Bret can't compete, so Goldberg came out alone with both belts. Goldberg has no problems with both men. Bret comes down once Goldberg is on the defense. He puts Nash in the Sharpshooter. Hall broke it up. Spear on Hall. At the same time, Nash hit Bret in his injured leg and pinned him. New champions! Fans were not happy with the result and threw trash into the ring.
DQ Count: Don't worry about it, chico.
I know Thunder is "important" again, but this is the real go home for Starrcade. Starrcade, which is supposed to be the biggest show of the year for WCW. WWE usually starts their build for WM three months in advance and sometimes even as early as Survivor Series. WCW starts their build the day after the November PPV and treats it as any other worthless PPV. And on this real go home show, the WCW Champion lost, the Cruiserweight champion got laid out by a woman (and the woman who will be facing him for the title lost to a non-wrestler), the man fighting for the US Championship lost, Sid again got punked out by Nash, Duggan's partners still weren't revealed, Dr. Death lost and Vamp got beat up, Piper and Orndorff win matches despite being fired and/or retired or both. So basically, all of the faces/champions look like shit going into the biggest show of the year. Also, more man on woman violence, more fat jokes at Rhonda Sing's expense, and Lex again saying he owns Liz.