WCW Monday Nitro 11/29/99
The show opens with a graphic mentioning the passing of Hiro Matsuda. For those of you that don't know, Matsuda was responsible for training or helping to train Hulk Hogan, Keiji Mutoh, Paul Orndorff, Lex Luger, Scott Hall, and many others.
Goldberg comes to the ring. He tells the Outsiders that he isn't a man to trifle with. He doesn't make threats, he just brings bad news. He has Nash tonight and if Hall gets involved, he's going to show him some heavy metal. Jewish metal music is the best. This brings out The Outsiders. They head to the ring. As they get on the apron, Sid comes out. Fucking lol, as Sid came out, he said that there is a new babyface in town on the mic. Pull apart brawl with security.
We'll have Nash vs Goldberg, Hall vs Sid for US/TV Championships, and Bret vs Meng for the WCW Championship. All 3 matches will be no DQ. Sting vs Jarrett vs Benoit with the winner getting get a title shot after Starrcade. Dr. Death vs Jerry Only in a cage match. And there is a mud pit by the stage. Action packed Nitro tonight, brothers.
TO THE BACK. A limo is parked and a sedan pulls up. Piper was in the limo. A mystery woman and Bertha Faye were in the sedan. BUT WHO WAS LIMO?!? Elsewhere, Lex is walking around in a suit. Body builder types never look good in suits. Not even tailored suits. Elsewhere elsewhere, The Mamalukes are on the phone with Tony Marinara. They're going to get Disco and maybe Sting tonight.
Buff Bagwell/Booker T. vs Creative Control WCW Tag Team Championships
I thought Buff had turned heel. I guess not. Curt Hennig is now managing the Harris Brothers. He's back to wearing ridiculously ill fitting blazers. Buff hit the Blockbuster. Hennig had the ref distracted. The other brother hit Buff with a chair and did some twin magic to retain the titles. IT'S SABU! Midnight dropkicks both brothers.
TO THE POWERS THAT BE. Dr. Claw Russo talks with Juvi and buries Jushin Liger. If Juvi can beat Liger, Russo will fix all of Juvi's VISA problems. No idea why Russo would have a segment shitting on Liger, NJPW, and the IWGP Junior Heavyweight Championship, but that's Russo for you.
TO THE BACK. Lex shows Liz the contract. Liz wants to work this all out. Elsewhere, Piper is waiting in a room talking to himself like an idiot. Elsewhere elsewhere, Bertha Faye and Woman X go over what gear they are going to wear tonight. Elsewhere elsewhere elsewhere, flowers are delivered to Symphony. They were from Maestro. Elsewhere elsewhere elsewhere elsewhere, Tenay talks to Jeff Jarrett about his triple threat match and Dustin Rhodes. Double J don't give no fucks about Dustin. Tenay gets a little too lippy and gets a guitar to the face. Good. Fuck Mike Tenay, that bird faced slap ass.
Brian Knobs comes out and says he lost to a woman at Mayhem. He calls Norman out. Norman was in the back watching. Finlay walked by him, so Norman dove under a table. Finlay comes out with kendo sticks and we have ourselves a fight. He knocked Knobs out and then cut that stupid mullet. Also hit him right in the dick, saving the world from the Knobs family line.
TO THE BACK. The Mamalukes are talking about what they'll do after they kill Disco. They'll get a cheese factory and/or olive oil company. They find Mean Gene and implore him to come to a strip club with them.
TO THE POWERS THAT BE. Dr. Claw Russo gives the Harris Brothers a lot of shit for getting taken out by a woman. Hennig shit talks and ends up getting put in a match with Midnight.
TO THE BACK. Bertha Faye and Woman X are still getting ready. Brain was laughing for some reason. Elsewhere, Piper is still talking to himself.
Jushin Liger vs Juventud Guerrera IWGP Junior Heavyweight Championship
To start out, Russo buried Liger, the title, and the working agreement with NJPW before the match. Then both men get jobber entrances. Then Buzzkill comes out during the opening seconds of the match. Now, Juvi was really excited about Liger and the title, but Russo shit all over both. Buzzkill talks about Big Brother trying to distract everyone. Tony is told he has to say something about the title, but actually doesn't say anything about it. Not only is this for the title, it is also for Juvi's work VISA. Buzzkill claims he has no idea who Liger is. Tony says he knows that isn't true because they've had matches in WCW before. Buzzkill gets his sign all up in Liger's face, which allows Juvi to hit Liger with a bottle of tequila. New champion!
TO THE BACK. Chavo is the new interviewer since Tenay is dead and Mean Gene is getting lap dances. He talks to Dr. Death and Oklahoma about the cage match with Jerry Only. Dr. Death is tasting BBQ sauce. Elsewhere, Symphony gets another gift form Maestro. Elsewhere elsewhere, Sid is going crazy in his locker room.
TO THE STRIP CLUB. The Mamalukes have Gene and are getting him drunk.
TO THE BACK. Chavo tries to sell some stuff as he talks to The Outsiders. Hall doesn't understand the point of the TV Championship, so they play some basketball and throw it away. Two titles buried in the first hour.
The Revolution come to the ring with an American flag. Shane drops a Love Connection reference. Was Love Connection on in 1999? And was it on cable? Shane is really pissed about Americans cheering for a Canadian winning a title. Then the fans booed the Americans. The Revolution have declared themselves a sovereign nation. Dean spits on the flag. They all have snake code names now. Dean is The Python, Shane is The Rattler, Asya is The Boa, and Saturn is The Trouser. He came up with that on his own. Then he drops some Beatles references. This brings Jim Duggan out. He hits the members of the group with his 2x4, which bends. It actually twists when Dean grabbed it from him. Then it bends even more when Dean hits Duggan with it. It's clearly made of foam. They reenact Iwo Jima until Benoit runs down and they bail.
TO THE BACK. Sid and The Outsiders head to the ring.
TO THE POWERS THAT BE. Dr. Claw Russo sends Creative Control to get Piper.
TO THE BACK. Chavo talks with Jerry Flynn about THE BLOCK. The Block is a SHOOT FIGHT in a boiler room. Anyone can face him tonight. Elsewhere, Creative Control and Hennig get Piper, who decides he needs to take a shit and will get to Russo when he gets there.
Scott Hall vs Sid WCW US Championship No Disqualification
This was to be for the TV Championship as well, but it got thrown away. I'd be very surprised if one of the three no DQ matches doesn't end in a DQ. Nash is on commentary and when asked about the TV Championship, he said the belt was a piece of trash anyway. Hall goes for the Edge very early. Ref bump. Chokeslam. Sid hits the powerbomb. Nash hits the ring and elbow drops Hall on accident. Sid boots him and goes for a powerbomb. Jeff Jarrett runs out and hits Sid with a guitar. Hall makes the pin. Title retained. I think this was 2 minutes long. Goldberg runs out to spear and jackhammer Jarrett. He and Sid are totally bros now, hugging all the time. What's the point of a ref bump in a no DQ match? You can openly cheat. You don't need to have the ref down first.
TO THE BACK. Piper, Hennig, and Creative Control head to Russo's office. Piper runs his mouth like an idiot. Elsewhere, Dr. Death and Oklahoma talk about football while heading to the arena.
TO THE STRIP CLUB. Gene is now dancing with strippers. Apparently, Gene is a well known LEGIT SHOOT dirty old man.
TO THE POWERS THAT BE. Dr. Claw Russo finally gets to talk to Piper. They talk about cold sores and boners. Piper will ref a mud wrestling match between large women. Piper thinks about turning it down, and then changes his mind.
TO THE BACK. Sharmell and Fyre get into a food fight. A lot of messy tits. Security eventually broke it up. Woman X choked on something. Juvi gave her the Heimlich/tried to fuck her.
Jerry Only vs Steve Williams Cage Match
I believe this is the 3rd cage match in Russo's run, which is just over a month long. This is escape rules. You'd think they'd maybe kind of promote a kind of celebrity wrestling, but they didn't at all, nor did they promote ICP wrestling. Vamp and The Misfits poured BBQ all over Oklahoma. Dr. Death could have left the cage, since it wasn't locked, but had to pretend it was locked. Jerry Only was Irish whipped into the cage door, which he went through and fell to the floor. So in Dr. Death's first match in WCW since 1992/1993, he loses a cage match to a lead singer/bass player of a band. Makes total sense. I do kind of like that Russo used the 70s Bruno/Backlund cage match finish in a match between a legit wrestler/football player and a rock star.
TO THE POWERS THAT BE. Juvi tries to telly Dr. Claw Russo about Woman X choking and him saving her live with mouth to mouth. Russo gives him shit for putting his mouth near that "wildebeest" and sends him away. Mind you, Woman X isn't that big of a woman, yet Tony and Brain have acted like she was as big as Bertha Faye all night.
TO THE BACK. Chavo asks Bret about how he's going to defeat Meng. Bret is just better. Chavo claims Bret's shiny hair was purchased from him, which you can also get at 555-DEAL.
Meng vs Bret Hart WCW Championship No Disqualification
This is the second title defense for Bret and the second time it is no where near the main event. Meng beats Bret down. Brain says something about fighting in jungles. Tony asks if he ever listens back to the shows. Brain says he never watches the shows. Scott Hall came out and bumped the ref as Bret has the Sharpshooter on. Meng put him in the Death Grip. Nash beat him down with a kendo stick. Nash then powerbombed him. They go after Bret, but Benoit saves him. Bret then puts the knocked out Meng in the Sharpshooter. Title retained. 2 no DQ matches. 2 ref bumps. Multiple run ins each.
TO THE BACK. Symphony gets another gift and note from Stro. Elsewhere, Lex tells Creative Control he has a great idea for RATINGS and would like to speak with TPTB. Elsewhere elsewhere, Chavo is still trying to sell stuff and talks to Tygress. Tygress and Spice get into a fight in the bathroom. Elsewhere elsewhere elsewhere, Madusa will fuck Evan if he gives her a title shot at Starcade.
TO THE POWERS THAT BE. Lex offers to put Liz in the mud wrestling match.
TO THE BACK. Chavo talks with Sting. Liz asks Sting for help. Sting blows her off.
Chris Benoit vs Jeff Jarrett vs Sting
The winner will be the number one contender after Starrcade. Maybe. We'll see. They go to commercial DURING Sting's entrance. What the fuck. Very generic triple threat. Sting seems really out of place in this. He's above this. Benoit and Jarrett are US level, while Sting is Sting. But then again, Sting was wrestling for the TV Championship not long ago. Liz came out to beg Sting for help. Lex came out and hit Sting with a chair. Jarrett hit Benoit with a guitar. Dustin Rhodes then ran out and grabbed the ring bell, which was on the floor in front of the announce table, and hit Jeff with it. He threw Benoit on Jarrett. Benoit is the number one contender after Starrcade. This definitely needed 2 (technically 3) run ins.
TO THE STRIP CLUB. Da Baldies get a reference from one of the girls. Gene is still dancing with broads.
TO THE BACK. Nash heads to the arena. Elsewhere, Symphony meets with Maestro, who is actually David Flair in disguise. SWERVE! He wants to know why the piano won't play. The reason was because Stro was unconscious inside the piano.
Kevin Nash vs Goldberg No Disqualification
This was supposed to be the main event. Actually, a triple main event was billed, but there is an hour left in the show, and the other two matches have already happened. Hall tried to lock Goldberg in his room, but Goldberg wasn't in there. Bill then started beating the shit out of Hall. Nash headed for the back. We see a shot of Sid's locker room, which Hall also locked. Sid knocked the door down and runs out to join the fight. This is still backstage. It gets out to the arena. Hall hits the ref and Goldberg with a chair. 3 no DQ matches, 3 ref bumps. Run ins in all of them. Bret comes out and takes the chair from Hall, then hits Nash with it. Spear and jackhammer on Nash. Goldberg wins.
TO THE BACK. Piper heads to the arena, still talking to himself. Elsewhere, Chavo talks with The Outsiders, who apparently challenged Sid, Goldberg, Hart, and Benoit to a cage match later.
Rhonda Singh vs Roddy Piper Mud Wrestling Match Special Guest Referee: Roddy Piper
Creative Control were out to make sure Piper did his job. This stuff making fun of Rhonda/the other woman is really, really mean spirited. Liz was in the back with Lex and refused to have the match. We come back to see Piper and Bertha fighting in the mud. He rode her and then pulled Creative Control into the mud. Piper pins someone and wins even though he was the ref.
TO SOMEWHERE. The Mamalukes brought some of the strippers back to a hotel or something. They're cooking in their underwear.
TO THE BACK. Arn Anderson is walking in the back. But he's fired. He shouldn't be walking around the back.
TO THE POWERS THAT BE. Russo shits on Creative Control. Arn comes in and wonders why the fuck he was fired. Arn buries all the shitty bosses WCW has had in the past 10 years. Hennig tells him to get the fuck out.
TO THE BACK. Chavo talks to Stacy about how she turned on Spice last week. Chae showed up and they had a cat fight.
TO THE BLOCK. Jerry Flynn and The Wall have a fight in the boiler room. This is both a rip off of Fight Club and the boiler room brawl. It's a SHOOT fight, you see. Flynn couldn't lock on the arm bar. Fans are booing the shit out of this. Both dudes are blown up and having a boring brawl with a weirdly jittery camera. This shit sucks. The WWF boiler room brawls sucked, too, and Taker/Mankind were 1000% better than both of these guys. Berlyn comes in and hits Flynn with a pipe. Wall then chases Berlyn with a pipe. "I don't get it." Me either, Brain.
TO THE BACK. Piper speaks with Chavo and says he isn't afraid of getting dirty. Piper says something about Chavo Sr. and condoms on heads before telling Chavo to stand up for himself. The Outsiders walk by and Piper attacks them. Security broke it up. Piper attacked them, too. Elsewhere, Hennig heads to the arena. Curly Bill stops him and Hennig says he'll watch out for him.
TO THE POWERS THAT BE. Russo is pissed at Lex for Liz declining the match. The Harris Brothers are now totally clean and in new suits. Lex guarantees that Liz will be covered in mud by the end of the night. Lex vs Liz later tonight.
Midnight vs Curt Hennig
"There's no end to our mud." You ain't kidding. Midnight's legs are outstanding. I'm not really a fan of the female body builder body, but you can't deny some powerful quads. She suplexes Hennig. Curt then slaps her in the face repeatedly and chops her in the tits. He put her in an abdominal stretch and repeatedly slaps her tits. What the fuck. Am I really watching a man put a woman in a submission and slapping her breasts? The lights go out. IT'S SABU! It's actually Stevie Ray. The lights go out again. IT'S TAZ! It's actually Virgil. The lights go out again. IT'S TOMMY DREAMER! It's actually Arn Anderson. Man, everything about this match was fucking gross. And worst of all, the announcers completely ignored Perfect slapping Midnight's breasts around. It wasn't like it was a spot for a "Wow, this guy is really a piece of shit" kind of reaction. It was completely ignored and never mentioned again.
TO THE BACK. Lex is carrying Liz to the arena.
TO THE SOMEWHERE. The Mamalukes have made dinner for the strippers. They're all going to bang. The girls tie up The Mamalukes. Disco and Lash show up and pour spaghetti and sauce all over them. SWERVE! Disco then calls Tony Marinara and maybe shit talks him. I couldn't hear of The Mamalukes screaming.
The Total Package vs Liz Mud Wrestling Match
Lex tries to throw Liz in the mud, but she won't let go of him. She then slaps him. He throws her in. He then throws a bucket of mud on her. Sting comes out and pushes Lex into the mud. I would really like to talk to the girl who broke up with Russo in high school. He clearly hates women. Liz slips and falls on the stage.
TO THE BACK. All 3 teams in the main event head to the arena.
TO THE SOMEWHERE. The Mamalukes are still on the bed, covered in sauce.
Goldberg/Sid vs The Outsiders vs Bret Hart/Chris Benoit Cage Match Special Guest Referee: Roddy Piper
Christ. This might as well be Uncensored tonight. Every match has been a title match or gimmick match. Or gimmicked title match. At least it makes a little more sense why these guys had such short matches earlier. The faces quadruple team The Outsiders. Piper is still covered in mud. Jeff Jarett comes out with a cart full of guitars. He hits Piper and Goldberg with them. Bret is handcuffed to the cage. Benoit knocks Jeff out of the cage. He then does a diving headbutt from the top of the cage on Hall. It should be a huge deal for someone to do that, but this is the 3rd time he's done it this year, and the second time with in the last 30 days. Piper wakes up to count the pin. Benoit gets up and turns right into a guitar shot. Goldberg tries to throw Jeff through the cage. The cage came apart the first time, but not enough to send Jeff out. He tried it again, but the cage still didn't break all the way. He was standing on the ropes, which allowed Hall to hit the Outsider's Edge. Nash then powerbombed SId. Jarrett gave Benoit The Stroke. WE'RE OUTTA TIME!
DQ Count: Who knows
Another bananas show, which was much improved from last week's boring ass show, although still terrible. This week had nothing but gimmick matches (two cage matches, 3 no DQs, 4 title matches, 2 mud matches, and 3 interdender matches), 4 busted guitars, the Revolution turning into an anti-American militant group, and then the burial of two titles. Vince Russo completely buries NJPW, the IWGP Junior Heavyweight Championship, Jushin Liger, and the NJPW/WCW working relationship, which is nearly 10 years old at this point. In his segment with Juvi, he said it was stupid that he had to book "some guy" named Liger for the stupid title due to prior commitments. Then he gives BOTH guys jobber entrances and has Brad Armstrong do his comedy character to distract Liger, which allowed Juvi to win by hitting Liger with a bottle of tequila. I don't believe NJPW recognized the title switch until years later. Then he has Hall and Nash literally throw the TV Championship away and has Nash call the title a piece of trash later on in the show.
He also had multiple segments of two women, one very over weight (Bertha Faye) and one not really that big at all (mystery woman, who I'm told was Leilani Kai) all for the purpose of Brain and Tony calling them fat and ugly repeatedly. Russo then personally called one of them a "wildebeest". Then, he had Piper wrestle Bertha Faye in a mud match, which had Piper riding her like a bull and more very mean spirited remarks from Tony and Brain. On top of all of this, we have an angle where Lex literally owns and controls Liz. In their match, Lex threw her in mud and repeatedly threw mud in her face. In another male vs female match, Curt Hennig placed Midnight in an abdominal stretch and repeatedly smacked her breasts while in the hold, essentially sexually assaulting her in the middle of the ring. As soon as Russo takes over, the Nitro Girls suddenly start cat fighting and smearing make up over each other. David Flair starts stalking women. Madusa uses her vagina to get a title match out of Evan. It's pretty fucking weird.
Oh, and the "triple main event" all took place before the 3rd hour even started, all were no DQ, all had ref bumps, all had run ins, and all were under 5 minutes each. Maybe 5 minutes all together.