WCW Monday Nitro 11/22/99

We finally have a WCW Champion and his name is Bret Hart. Just as a refresher, Bret Hart was the hottest wrestler in the world in November of 1997. Fresh off the Montreal Screwjob, Bret jumped to WCW and immediately made an impact by not getting a title shot of any kind until 6 months into his run. It was for the TV Championship. He didn't win it. It took two full years for WCW to finally put the title on Bret, long after his heat had cooled off. Worst of all, not only was he not involved in main event feuds, he was instead stuck swapping the US Championship with DDP and having a highly disappointing feud with Sting instead of being anywhere near the WCW Championship.

TO THE BACK. Jeff Jarrett talks to himself about taking things into his own hands, for he art thou the chosen oneth, Slapnuts.

Bret Hart comes to the ring. He dedicated his title win to Stu. He offers Goldberg a title shot at Starrcade. This brings out The Outsiders. They don't care about Bret doing things the right way. They do whatever they want to whoever they want. They challenge Bret and Goldberg to a tag match. Jeff Jarrett ran in and hit Bret with a guitar. He leaves with the title.

TO THE BACK. Tenay is with Curt Hennig. He promises that he will never wrestle for WCW again, but TPTB can't stop him from saying goodbye to his friends and fans. He then turns to see Maestro (Ooh LA LA) playing an out of tune white baby grand piano. Elsewhere, Kidman and Konnan head to the ring. Konnan is telling Kidman to get over his shit with Eddie. Elsewhere elsewhere, Dr. Death and Oklahoma head to the ring. Elsewhere elsewhere elsewhere, Tony Marinara is with The Mamalukes, who he is about to sick on Disco. Johnny The Bull wants a cheese sandwich.

TO THE POWERS THAT BE. Lex tells Dr. Claw Russo that he controls Liz's contract and he can force her to face Meng tonight. Liz was watching this and said she wouldn't do it.

Creative Control vs The Filthy Animals WCW Tag Team Championships

Neither Harris Brother wants to be known as Patrick. Because Pat Patterson is gay and gays are icky. GET IT? I'd much rather be Pat Patterson than Gerald Brisco. The Kid Cam popped up on the screen. Eddie and Torrie were maybe going to bone or something. Kidman ran off. Konnan is pinned. New champions!

TO THE BACK. Kidman attacks Eddie. Elsewhere, Tenay talks to Goldberg and Bret. Bret is going to fuck Jarrett and The Outsiders up. Goldberg suggests that Bret take on Jeff and he'll handle The Outsiders himself. Elsewhere elsewhere, Stacy asks Spice not to go through with the Nitro Girls match. Elsewhere elsewhere elsewhere, Hennig tells Buff he has no hard feelings over Buff retiring him last night.. Maestro (Ooh LA LA) was still playing piano.

Norman Smiley vs Fit Finlay WCW Hardcore Championship

Norman is so hardcore he drank milk that was 2 days past expiration. He called anyone out. Finlay accepted. He's really the hardcore champion. He won the junkyard invitational and won the hardcore trophy. Finlay beat the ever loving piss out of poor Norman. I guess it wasn't a match, just a beat down.

TO THE BACK. Liz tried to get out of her match with Meng. Lex won't allow it. Elsewhere, Tenay talked to The Outsiders about Goldberg. Hall is going to bring riot guards. Nash said that gimmick didn't work. Elsewhere elsewhere, Chavo sells the Mamalukes gold chains. Stro is still playing piano. Elsewhere elsewhere elsewhere, Jeff is informed that he has a title match with Bret at the top of the hour. He tells that slapnut Tenay to get out of his locker room.

Evan Karagias vs Saturn

Brad Armstrong comes out dressed as a hippie/Road Dogg. His new name is Buzzkill. “This has no reference to drugs.” Saturn completely squashes Evan and wins with the Rings of Saturn. Madusa and Asya got into a fight. Evan lost on the Thunder before the PPV, won at the PPV, then lost the next night.

TO THE BACK. Tenay talks with Kidman. Kidman challenges Eddie to a fight tonight. Elsewhere, Vamp and The Misfits head to the arena. Elsewhere elsewhere, Oklahoma and Dr. Death are still heading to the arena. Elsewhere elsewhere elsewhere, Eddie accepts Kidman's challenge. FUCKING STRO WILL NOT STOP PLAYING THE GOD DAMN PIANO KNOCK IF OFF YOU FUCK HEAD.

Vampiro vs The Wall

Dr. Death and OK came out for color. The Misfits attacked Wall on the floor. The ref didn't care and Wall threw them all off anyway. Berlyn came in and hit Vamp with a chair, causing a DQ. Wall wouldn't allow Berlyn to use the chair again, so Berlyn slaps him. Berlyn then bails. Jerry Only shit talks Dr. Death, so Doc hits the ring and beats up The Misfits. Vamp kicks him out of the ring.

TO THE BACK. Double J and DOA head to the ring. Bret does as well. Elsewhere, Liz locks herself in a shark cage. Does WCW bring one to every show? Elsewhere elsewhere, a limo arrives. BUT WHO WAS LIMO?!?

Jeff Jarrett vs Bret Hart WCW Championship

Bret knocks the shit out of Jeff until they go to the floor. He regains control easily. Bret was dumped very awkwardly on the top rope. Grant Hill is in the front row. Jeff throws Bret on the table and punches it a few times. Double lariatoo. Bret starts the 5MOD. Jeff counters a superplex. Jeff rolls through a cross body and nearly wins. Creative Control distracted the ref while trying to attack Bret. Dustin Rhodes came in and hit Jeff with the title. Bret pins him. Title retained. Of course the face champion's first defense can't even have a clean finish. I'm not sure I've ever seen Bret put in as little effort into a match. The power of Double J.

TO THE BACK. The Mamalukes make Maestro (Ooh FUCK YOUR STUPID FACE) play New York, New York. Elsewhere, Lex apologizes to Liz and gets the key from her, only to SWERVE her and still force her to have the match. Elsewhere elsewhere, the limo is still a limo. BUT WHO IS LIMO?! Elsewhere elsewhere elsewhere, Sting walks by Liz and she asks for help. He can't help her.

Kidman vs Eddie Guerrero

Are there any stables or teams that get along? The Animals have only officially been together for about a month and they're already fighting. The Revolution had Benoit leave and Dean tease a leave as soon as Russo showed up. The First Family were fighting last week. Berlyn and Wall are already done. We get an update on Arn. He had broken ribs, but the main thing was that TPTB didn't know he was an agent until it was mentioned on commentary last night, so they fired him. Eddie wasn't really doing anything with Torrie. Kidman was just being a jealous little cunt. Eddie headbutted Kidman in the balls during a leap frog. The Revolution came out and attacked Konnan, apparently breaking his arm. Kidman went up for the SSP. Torrie tried to tell him about Konnan. This distracted him, allowing Eddie to hit a superplex and frog splash.

TO THE POWERS THAT BE. Dr. Claw Russo wants Jim Duggan and to know who is in the limo. Jeff Jarrett barges in to yell at the Harris Brothers.

TO THE BACK. Meng heads to the ring as Lex gets a forklift to lift Liz's cage. Elsewhere, Tenay talks to Spice about her match with Tygress. Stacy again asked her not to have the match.

Meng vs Liz

The cage is put in the ring. Lex tries to give Meng the key. Meng puts him in the Tongan Death Grip. Meng rips a few bars of the cage. Sting runs in and beats up Meng with a bat. He lets Liz free and leaves.

TO THE BACK. Goldberg is seen talking to someone. The limo is still a limo. BUT WHO WAS LIMO?!? Elsewhere, The Outsiders are getting ready for their match. Elsewhere elsewhere, Jim Duggan is heading to TPTB. He gets a boner over Stro's piano and wants to play Chopsticks. HOOOOOO!

Lash LeRoux vs Disco Inferno

Disco is very nervous. He should be, because The Mamalukes come out. Lash wins. Disco is beaten up. Lash saves him. Tony Marinara is placed in a body bag. That seems like a bad idea to do to a guy who is sending the mob after you.

TO THE BACK. Creative Control inspect the limo. It is still a limo. BUT WHO IS LIMO?!

TO THE POWERS THAT BE. Dr. Claw Russo knows that Duggan shit all over his bathroom. Russo has had a real bad case of the runs since he's been eating prunes all week, and now he wants Duggan to clean his personal toilet with a tooth brush.

Tygress vs Spice

AC Jazz just bolted and Tygress took her place for no reason. There is not a god damn person interested in watching the Nitro Girls feud with each other. Spice got poked in the eye and the match was called off I guess. Stacy came out and hit Spice in the head with a makeup case.

TO THE BACK. Tenay talks to Meng. FUCK I HOPE MENG KILLS STRO AND HIS FUCKING PIANO. Meng is no fool and challenges Sting to a no DQ match tonight.

Curt Hennig comes out to bid farewell to wrestling. He couldn't even say anything.

TO THE BACK. The limo door opens, but we don't get to see who it was. BUT WHO WAS LIMO?!? Elsewhere, Russo made the mistake of leaving his actual toothbrush in the bathroom. Duggan scrubbed the toilet with it.

Roddy Piper comes to the ring. Was he limo? This is his first appearance since the boxing match with Buff. He shits all over writers. His mic was cut off. And so was the second one. Tony tells him that TPTB cut his mic, so he runs to the back, dragging a PA with him. He kicks in the door to Russo's office. He seems shocked that Russo is the writer. Has he not been paying attention to anything? Russo's been mentioned over and over as being the head writer, and he has a pretty distinctive voice. Russo buries him and says he needs to join Hogan and Flair in Boca. Piper has a contract with Time Warner for 2 years and will sue if he isn't on TV. Russo agrees, but Piper will be a ref going forward. He heads to the limo, saying YES SIR over and over. I guess he was limo.

TO THE BACK. Goldberg is being rad.

Buff Bagwell vs Booker T. 

Creative Control are standing at ring side. They distracted Booker and beat up Buff. Hennig came out to stop it and then attacked Buff himself. Perfect Plex! One of the bros counted the pin fall and the bell rang. I'm pretty sure Curt Hennig won this match. Midnight arrived and saved Booker.

TO THE BACK. The Outsiders prepare for the match.

TO THE POWERS THAT BE. Dr. Claw Russo welcomes Perfect to the group. His first mission is the find Juvi.

TO THE BACK. Tenay talks to Sting about Meng's challenge. Liz thanks Sting and offers to be a manager if he wants one.

Madusa vs Asya

Man. This shit isn't getting any better. Now that I think about it, I don't think it was ever addressed why Madusa was allowed to start wrestling again after being retired in 1997. No one has ever mentioned it. I actually think Asya is kind of hot. Her face is definitely much more attractive than Chyna's even after all the surgeries and she's got those ridiculous quads. She used them to choke Madusa out.

TO THE BACK. Tenay talks to Dean about his flag match with Benoit. He's going to burn the Canadian flag. Elsewhere, Goldberg gets pumped up.

Chris Benoit vs Dean Malenko Flag Match

Dean is wearing a Canadiens jersey after his anti-Canadian rant. DOUBLE POLE MATCH! This seems like a weird match to run in the US when Benoit is the face. And in fact, USA chants start up right away. The rules have changed and now you are to get your own flag, not the opponent's flag. Benoit has the can of gasoline that Dean brought out. Dean went after the Canadian flag, even though that isn't how you win. Gnarly drop toe hold on to the bottom rope. Dean gets the Canadian flag and wins. But Tony explained that the winner had to get his own flag. Whatever. The Revolution came out with a trash can. They attempt to burn both flags until Bret Hart stopped them. Bret waves the US flag while Benoit waves the Canadian flag.

TO THE BACK. Sting heads to the arena.

TO THE POWERS THAT BE. Dr. Claw Russo had Juvi in his office. It has come to his attention that Juvi's work visa has expired. Juvi gives him some tequila, which Russo spits in Juvi's face because it tastes like horse piss. He then asks for his toothbrush.

Sting vs Meng No Disqualification Match

Sting is again wrestling in pants and a shirt. Liz came out and tried to pepper spray Meng. Sting wouldn't allow it. Lex came out to yell at her. Sting grabbed him by the hair. Lex dropped off the apron and Meng put Sting in the Tongan Death Grip for the win.

TO THE BACK. The Outsiders and Goldberg head to the ring. Elsewhere, Stro is still playing the piano when David Flair shows up and finally destroys that fucking piano. David is my new favorite wrestler.


The Outsiders vs Goldberg/Sid

Hall let Nash wear the TV championship. Sid is Goldberg's partner. Are you fucking kidding me? God damn it, Russo. So ridiculous. And it wasn't like they were begrudging partners or anything. Goldberg asked Sid to be his partner and they were doing fist bumps when they came out. Goldberg spears Hall. Sid then powerbombs him. Nash breaks the pin with an elbow drop, which was enough for Hall to pin Sid. An elbow drop. Not a flying elbow drop. Just an elbow drop.

DQ Count: Does anyone really care anymore?

This show sucked. Sid and Goldberg teaming up is ridiculous. More shit jokes. Filthy Animals and Berlyn/Wall breaking up already. The Revolution trying to burn both the Canadian and American flags. Bret Hart waving the American flag. Fucking Maestro and his piano during every backstage segment. Terrible.