WCW Monday Nitro 11/1/99

Last week, WCW started a 31 man, 1 woman tournament to crown a new WCW Champion. Only one match mattered: Goldberg vs Bret Hart. Bret Hart pinned Goldberg after interference from Sid and The Outsiders.

TO THE BACK. Bret confronts The Outsiders over giving him a win last week. He tells them to stay the hell out of his business. Celine Dion wouldn't act like that, Bret.

Bret comes to the ring on crutches. He didn't build his reputation by SCREWING people. But you can't say that word on TNT. He feels Goldberg got screwed and he considers Goldberg to still be the rightful US Champion. The mention of Goldberg's name brings out Sid. Later on, Sid will show his proof that Goldberg quit at Halloween Havoc. Bret says, "SCREW YOU", which of course is muted. But Sid says the word 3 times without it being muted. Sid then attacks Bret. Before Sid could powerbomb him, The Outsiders came out. Sid stopped, they gave him the US Championship, and Sid walked to the back. EDITOR'S NOTE: These muted "screws" are unmuted for the WWE Network version.

High above the ring is a steel cage. WHAT DOES IT HAVE TO DO WITH TONIGHT'S PROGRAM?! We're shown the brackets for groups 3 and 4 of the tournament. Madusa is in another match, this time with Evan Karagais. A. Madusa has already been eliminated from the tournament. B. EVAN FUCKING KARAGIAS? C. I'm positive they said Hennig/Lash was a tournament match last week, even though it wasn't on the bracket. I guess they changed their minds.

TO THE BACK. Shane and Dean are waiting as Saturn arrives on a motorcycle with Torrie. Torrie tried to run off, but Asya grabbed her.

Recap of Savage's random appearance last week.

Vampiro vs Berlyn

Vamp comes out to ICP music, yet wears Misfits arm bands. Tony talks about Berlyn's win streak. He really only has a win streak of 1 since he lost to Brad Armstrong at Havoc. Brad Armstrong deserves a spot in the tournament more than Berlyn. As Berlyn dominated, The Misfits came out and surrounded the ring. Ref bump. In the very first match of the show. Wall (who is still known just as The Bodyguard), climbs in the ring. One of The Misfits low bridges him. Vamp lays him out with a chair. Vamp wins after members off the band trip and hold Berlyn's leg down while Vamp was on top of him. Vamp advances. From now on, no more SCREW BERLYN. It's now SCREW USA. One of those screws made it through the censors, who must really hate Russo for already having used a word that has to be muted at least 7 times.

TO THE BACK. Nash lets Hall know that he won't be allowed to be a manager tonight due to not having the proper paper work. But instead, he can be Hall's promoter. With the shoulder pads and downside guarantees and everything. Elsewhere, Torrie is placed in a shark cage.

Recap of Torrie being stolen last week, Benoit vs Malenko, and Sid vs Benoit from Thunder.

The Revolution come to the ring. Shane claims that they knifed the Animals' tires and also have an offer for them that they can't refuse. Saturn has the key to the shark cage and he isn't done with Eddie Guerrero, so he proposes a SHARK CAGE KEY ON A POLE MATCH! Dean refers to his dick and calls Benoit something that got muted. Benoit came out and says their tournament match tonight will be in a cage.

TO THE BACK. Nash is in a make up chair getting made up. He says the cleft chin is really important. HA HA! That'll do it, pally!

TO THE BACK. The Filthy Animals arrive. Security asks for passes. They beat him up and mug him.

Recap of David Flair trying to kill DDP last week.

TO THE BACK. Tenay talks with Kim and the Nitro Girls. DDP suffered cracked ribs and sternum. Kim tells the girls that she's leaving the group.

The Cat vs Lash LeRoux

Cat is wearing pajamas. Before the match, they mentioned that Cat came back early from an injury to compete in the tournament. Seconds into the match, Cat is Irish whipped and falls to the mat, clutching his knee. Lash locks on a hold and Cat immediately taps out. Tony and Brain didn't even acknowledge it until it was over because they were too busy talking about Nash getting his make up done. Lash advances.

TO THE BACK. Mike talks to Bret in the back. Sid is a big stupid dummy. Elsewhere, the Nitro Girls argue over who is going to be the new leader. Elsewhere elsewhere. Kidman captures Lex and Liz freaking out over the bracketing. Then Lex and Liz stop, we hear the director stop and everyone laughs. THEN we see everyone break character and a PA actually clap instead of using a clapperboard. Also, none of the audio for Lex and Liz was synced up at all, even though the reaction shots of Kidman/Eddie/Rey were. And how do they have a direct feed of Kidman's camera with personalized water marks? Was the technology available to do that wirelessly with a JVC handheld camera in 1999? While this seems like a typical WCW production error, I'm sure this was completely intentional and Russo thought it was genius, just like Kidman catching two guys going over their finish before the match.

Scott Steiner video.

TO THE LARRY. Larry talked to Scott Steiner at his home. Scott had back surgery in the last few days. Scott tried every option he could before having to do the surgery. He doesn't know if he can come back to wrestling or not.

Nitro Girls dance. In the middle of it, AC Jazz and Spice got into a fight.

TO THE TENAY. Tenay talks to Buff about his tournament match with Stevie. TPTB have more surprises for Buff, but he doesn't care. Buff 2, Writers 0. Um. Buff was forced to job to La Parka, then got laid out by Jarrett. Then he got laid out by Lex with Jeff's guitar at the PPV. Then he was beaten up by the Harris Brothers. Then he was booked to lose to Riggs, but SHOOT won the match. So it's more like Buff 1, Writers 4. Elsewhere, a mysterious promoter gives out a very familiar laugh. Elsewhere elsewhere, the Nitro Girls continue to fight.

Buff Bagwell vs Stevie Ray

Stevie says TPTB said this match will now be a strap match. Creative Control came out. Buff was declared the winner I guess by DQ. In a strap match. Buff ran away.

TO THE TENAY. This TTB happens DURING the announcement of the winner of the match. Had Tony not said Buff was declared the winner, we never would have heard it because Penzer was cut off for Tenay to talk to Jeff Jarrett. He insists that he didn't hit Liz with a guitar, that he has the booking market cornered, and that he'll send Lex on a Lex Express on out of here. 2 weeks, 2 Lex Express references that got zero reaction.

Wolfpac music hits. Why, we know who that is! That's THE PROMOTER! "The fans don't even know who that is." It's Nash doing a Vince McMahon impression. It's actually not that good. I've heard him do much better Vince impressions in shoots while drunk as shit. He's also reading from cue cards and mentions it on the mic. He takes shots at Vince booking a babyface to the point of fans throwing up and introduces someone who will face Jeff Jarrett in the main event at a later date: The Trouser Snake Scott Hall. Hall comes out and says that the party police of WCW said he only had one more strike left, so he wasn't going to burn any bridges up North. Hall asks Vince to shoot with him: Who buys his clothes for him? "TO ALL THE BOYS IN NEW YORK, WE GOT YOUR ATTITUDE RIGHT HERE!" *Suck it gesture*. Wow. What a giant waste of time just to tell the WWF to suck it. As Russo as it gets.

TO THE BACK. Lex tells Meng that Jeff Jarrett has been talking mad shit and even passing out bananas. Meng then eats the banana, peel and all. Elsewhere, Tenay talks with Hennig about his tournament match and possible forced retirement.


Disco Inferno vs Curt Hennig

Perfect has new generic rock music. Larry Hennig is at ringside. He decked Disco. Ref didn't care because there was no in ring interference. You heard it here, folks: Outside interference is totally cool as long as it stays outside the ring. Some young guido comes out. It distracts Disco, so he leaves to walk out with him. This is the future Tony Mamaluke, who was not referenced at all as being the kid from the Nitro Parties who was Lodi's biggest fan. Curt wins via count out to advance, even though he had been eliminated last week in a match that no longer counts as a tournament match.

TO THE BACK. Tenay talks with the Filthy Animals. Eddie is going to get Torrie back tonight. The tag champs issue an open challenge. Elsewhere, Norman Smiley wiggles in a catcher's outfit. Elsewhere elsewhere, THE PROMOTER is talking to himself in a mirror, saying he has to be one of the boys. Hall asks him what he's doing. Vince responds that he's getting into character. GET IT? No, not really, but whatever.

Meng vs The Barbarian vs Norman Smiley Hardcore Match

This is basically Meng and Barb beating each other up with Norman trying to take some shots and getting knocked on his ass. Eventually, the Faces of Fear reunite to beat up Norman. Norman is apparently injured as EMTs (who are laughing the whole time) come out to wheel him out. Apparently it was all a big SWERVE as he was watching the big screen and ran back to the ring when he saw both guys down and out. He pinned Barb while Meng had his face in Barb's balls.

TO THE BACK. Jeff Jarrett heads to the ring area. Elsewhere, TPTB have a meeting with Jim Duggan. He's asking them for a chance and opportunity. Creative Control (the new name for The Harris Brothers) are laughing behind his back. Dr. Claw Russo's voice (we never see him) says he doesn't care about kidneys, because IT IS ALL ABOUT DA RATINGS. He dismisses Duggan. Elsewhere elsewhere. Vince and Hall are talking. They say "screw" 100 more times, all so Vince can say, "Sid screwed Sid. GET IT?" Elsewhere elsewhere elsewhere, Lex talks to Meng, which confuses Meng.

Jeff Jarrett comes to the ring. Another "I GOT YOUR X RIGHT HERE" promo. Every week we're going to hear that at least once. Twice tonight. Jeff says this isn't the WWF and they don't abuse women in WCW. Lex and Liz come out. Lex apologizes because he doesn't have actual proof that Jeff hit Liz. Lex heard a rumor that it was Meng. Jeff then calls Meng an ape and says that Madusa is at least 50. Meng runs to the ring. Jeff bails and calls Meng a big wuss. Lex and Liz then hit the ring. Liz pepper sprays Meng and Lex beats him with a tire iron. The reason behind this was because Lex may be facing Meng in the tournament. Instead of just knocking the shit out of Meng in the 2 times they've been together in the back, he set up an hour long plot to make Meng mad at Jeff Jarrett just so he could get him in the ring to beat him up. If Lex couldn't do that in the back, couldn't he have have done that during the hardcore match while Meng was dead in the ring?

TO THE BACK. The Filthy Animals and Revolution head to the ring. Elsewhere, Hall and Vince head to Sid's locker room. Elsewhere elsewhere, Lex and Sting talk. Lex tries to get Sting to go for the tag team championships. Sting isn't interested until he gives in just to shut Lex up. We heard the director count down before they started.

Eddie Guerrero vs Saturn Shark Cage Key On A Pole Match

The first pole match of the Russo era! He's officially in charge now. This is the new Juvi/Kidman. Christ. But this is a pole match, so it gets a pass. Because RUSSO! Shane stops Eddie from getting the key by shoving him to the floor on top of Kidman. Torrie ends up choking Saturn with something while in the cage. It takes Eddie many tries to get the key because the pole was greased. A greased pole. GET IT? Torrie is free.

TO THE BACK. Vince and Hall meet with Sid. Vince just asks Sid to trust him. Sid flips out and says the last time he trusted Vince 2 years ago, his career went into the shitter. So

  • Sid believes this is the real Vince McMahon
  • This is another segment where a WCW wrestler on a WCW show is written to be pissed at having to work for the company

Sid calms down when Nash shows he's wearing a wig. Recap of Sting attacking JoJo and pinning Knobs to advance last week.

TO THE TENAY. Tenay talks with Liz and Lex. Lex will face Sting or Meng in the next round. Tenay tries to ask him about it, but Lex storms off in a huff before he was even accused of anything.

Filthy Animals vs The Total Package/Sting WCW Tag Team Championships

"I smell a rat." "Are you calling Liz a rat?" Konnan didn't get to speak on this. Lex didn't get to pose. Lex fakes a knee injury and tags out. Rey and Eddie ran in seconds later, causing a DQ. Lex stayed on the floor as Sting was beaten up by four guys. Lex pretended not to know what was up. Sting didn't buy it and shoved Lex down before walking off.

TO THE BACK. Hall convinces Sid that he's going to take a dive tonight. Sid asks Nash what he's going to do. Nash says something about he was just thinking about doing these skits all day because he's stuck in WCW and has no bargaining power, so he might as well burn some bridges. Or something like that. It was hard to hear him. Elsewhere, Sting throws shit around while looking for the Animals.

Booker T. vs Jeff Jarrett

Jeff attacks during Book's entrance. They brawl around ringside, just to go inside the ring so they can go back to the floor. Creative Control are standing up at the ramp. They got up on the apron as Book had a flurry of offense. Jeff hits Book with a guitar. Charles Robinson makes the pin having no doubt seen and heard the guitar shot, and had to slide over it to make the pin.

TO THE TENAY. Tenay interviewed Goldberg on the set of Ready to Rumble, which was known as "Slam" at that point. Wait, that doesn't make sense. Earlier in the show, Tony said the movie was called Ready to Rumble, but the graphic said "On the set of 'Slam'". Regardless, Goldberg is going to kill The Outsiders. During the whole interview, a tape rewinding and producers could be heard. Over a taped, on location interview. He's also going to kill Sid.

TO THE BACK. The Nitro Girls leave. Jazz and Spice start to fight again when Vince runs into stop them, telling them to save it for PPV. GET IT? Elsewhere, Tenay talks with Evan Karagias with Madusa. He thinks Madusa is really hot and hopes to be friends afterwards. Why didn't he say he hopes to fuck her after the match? Disappointed in your show of restraint, Russo.

Madusa vs Evan Karagias

Evan got a jobber entrance against a woman who was already eliminated from the tournament. Lol. Also, she's taller than him even with her shoes off. They do a lot of awkward sexual distraction spots. Madusa pinned after a kissing Thesz press.

TO THE BACK. Dean and Benoit head to the ring for their cage match. David Flair has arrived with a crowbar.

Chris Benoit vs Dean Malenko Steel Cage Match

Dean got a jobber entrance. For a cage match? They have a match that Tony and Brain barely acknowledge. Benoit hit a tombstone and powerbomb. Electric chair from the second rope. Saturn ran down and climbs up the side to throw a chain in. Benoit shoves Dean into the cage, sending Saturn to the floor. He uses the chain and wins with a diving headbutt from the top of the cage. Moments later, Saturn hit a flying elbow, but I have no idea if it was from the cage or ropes. Shane and Asya also enter the ring and shackle Benoit's legs and arms to the ropes. The Filthy Animals run in for a save. Asya laid Rey the fuck out. Rey then attempted a bronco buster on her while she was held down by two men. That's not rapey at all. David Flair then enters the ring and hits everyone with a crowbar. After much internal conflict, he releases Benoit. Sting attacks Konnan on the ramp to get his bat back.

TO THE BACK. As David is leaving, he was hit by a car. Kim was the driver. She did it for the people. Perfect placement of the crowbar on the hood, too. Elsewhere, Hall yells for help as Vince has been laid out in the locker room.


Sid vs Scott Hall

Finger Poke of DOOM! Hall then does an inside cradle. SWERVE! Sid kicked out and we have a match. That totally should have been the finish, not only because it would have been funny, but also because it seems so very Russo to have a 10 second main event. A ref bump. In the opener and the main event. It's like poetry. Bret Hart hobbles down on crutches and cracks one over Sid. Hall ducked a swing with the other. He pins Sid and walks off with the US Championship that Sid had stolen from Bret earlier.

DQ Count: 2 out of 11 matches.

I don't even know where to start with this. I guess I'll start with the tournament.

31 man, 1 woman tournament.

Week 1: One clean finish, a hardcore match, a count out finish, a DQ with the winner being knocked out of the tournament due to injury.

Week 2: One clean finish which was via kissing, a cage match, a strap match which ended in a DQ, an eliminated competitor getting another shot for no reason, a fake injury finish.

As for the rest of the show, Nash spent almost the whole show dressed up as Vince McMahon just so he could pop up and say "GET IT?". And to waste 5 minutes reading cue cards in front of the crowd so Hall and Nash could literally tell the WWF to suck it. Sid believing Nash was Vince despite him looking like a Bruce Campbell cosplayer. An intentional production error, just because. About 70 other production errors that weren't intentional. A pole match. Lex Luger giving Meng a banana. Meng eating the banana with the peel on. The Nitro Girls EXPLODING. Sting not at all being punished for beating the shit out of the commissioner last week. A cage match ending with 9 run ins after the finish. Kim possibly committing homicide on camera. Also, 2 shows in a row Sid has said he would show proof that Goldberg quit at Halloween Havoc without him doing so and it not being mentioned.

This shit is BANANAS.