WCW Monday Nitro 8/30/99
Steve Regal/Dave Taylor vs Disorderly Conduct
I can't believe Nitro is starting right away with a match. Jobber entrances for both, so a match starts right as the show came on the air. Things scheduled for tonight: Words from Hulk Hogan, DDP vs Goldberg, and the debut of Berlyn. Sid came down about a minute in to lay everyone out. Sid is now 75-0. Because the fans are chanting Goldberg, he's going to have to keep crushing dudes. His new catch phrase is SID: ENUFF SAID. Future shirts would be spelled like that. Maybe Sid is a big Stan Lee mark.
TO THE BACK. A car arrives. It's Lenny and Lodi. They aren't allowed in the building. Tony Mamaluke is one of the fans trying to get an autograph.
Recap of last week's show.
Nitro Girls dance. Kind of.
TO THE MEAN GENE. Lex Luger is the guest. Tony said Hulk Hogan was going to be the guest. Someone got mixed up. Lex's Yankees hat is slightly crooked and it is really bothering me. Lex said that Hogan already proved that the red and yellow and prayers, vitamins, and training have all been a sham in the last 3 years. Lex has proof and he'll show us later.
TO THE BACK. A black "limo" arrives. That isn't a limo. It's a long sedan. It's Berlyn, security guards, and an interpreter. They're acting like they don't know it is Alex Wright, even though they made it clear Berlyn was Alex Wright months ago when Berlyn was sitting in the crowd. BUT WHO WAS SEDAN?!?!
Recap of KISS and the debut of The Demon last week.
Lash LeRoux vs Scotty Riggs
The match went on for a few minutes before ICP and Vampiro came out. They came out just to watch. Riggs won with a Fameasser. Vamp got in the ring and said Riggs owed him for something.
The Revolution comes to the ring. Shane says they're all the REAL DEAL HA HA. Saturn challenges Rick Steiner to a title match at Fall Brawl. Benoit gives an open challenge. Dean tries to get that stupid catchphrase over. Why would you want to get rid of evolution? It should be something like the Revolution is the Solution if you have to have something that rhymes with Revolution.
Nitro Girls dance. Kind of.
Kaz Hayashi vs Lodi
I guess Lenny and Lodi were allowed into the building after all. Lenny has pom poms and a bow on the Cruiserweight Championship. Because he's queer, you see. Kaz has dropped all of the Glacier gear. We get a double screen with a countdown to Mayhem, which comes out in about a month. It stays up for a good 2 minutes. Lenny and Lodi tried twin magic, even though they look nothing alike. Kaz ended up pinning Lenny to win the match.
TO THE MEANBROTHERJACKDUDE. They're in New York, so this is like Hulkamania home base. He's going to sit in the back and eat fruit while Lex reveals his "proof" that Hogan is scamming everyone.
As Bobby and Tony are hyping some new videos, random piano music starts, which distracts them, but not enough to stop doing a promo for new Hogan and Flair videos.
La Parka/Blitzkrieg vs Eddie Guerrero/Rey Mysterio Jr.
Parka is in a sweet red variant of his normal outfit. Rey interupts his dancing like the little piece of shit he is, and also does a sliding tornado DDT to the floor. Vamp and ICP are back out to watch. Bliz misses a handspring back elbow, landing balls first on the ring post in the process. Pop up rana and frog splash on Blitz for the win in a sadly short match.
TO THE GEMEIN GENE. Berlyn and his interpreter are guests. Gene is patted down by security before the interview. Berlyn does his promo in German, with his interpreter saying that he's the best wrestler and all that. I swear he said Al Qaeda, and also that he was built by a German consortium to be the perfect wrestling machine. His first challenge is to Buff Bagwell. Not only is Alex doing this all in German, but the lighting is super bright with the contrast effect at 100% to make everything look awful and washed out. Lol, interpreter totally lost her place and had the deer in a headlights look. Her way of recovering was to yell the next thing really loud and hoped no one noticed. She was also very clearly reading off a cue card the entire time.
Fall Brawl video is aired, which features people like Randy Savage, Kevin Nash, Scott Steiner, and Bret Hart, all of whom are definitely not going to be at the show.
TO THE MEAN GENE. Gene was about to say something when Lex came out, quite disheveled, claiming that Hulk Hogan attacked him and went through his bags.
Kaos/TAFKATAFKAPI vs Kendall Windham/Barry Windham WCW Tag Team Championships
Prince lost to...a knee drop? In a minute and a half? That was pretty weird. The Rednecks called Harlem Heat out after the match because they wanted a challenge. They came out and pinned Kendall, which the ref counted as a pin for some reason. After this, Booker T was hog tied. Nothing weird about a group of rednecks who hate black culture hog tying a black guy in the middle of a ring. At least they did it in the Northeast instead of Deep South so they actually got heel heat for it.
TO THE MEAN GENE. Lex Luger is again the guest. Lex asks for Sting to come out to see the proof that Lex has. Sting comes out. Lex claims that Hulk Hogan was the driver of the white Hummer and has a photo of Hulk next to a white Hummer. Hogan comes out. Hulk says it doesn't mean anything and wants to know where Lex got the picture from. Hulk is awfully defensive about this. DDP slides in out of no where to sucker punch Hogan. Hulk and Sting start arguing and security breaks them apart.
A Nitro Girl solo spot. They're doing a contest for a new Nitro Girl over the next few weeks.
Van Hammer vs Buff Bagwell
Remember when Van Hammer was a hippie out of the blue? And then he started wearing a spiked leather jacket and a singlet with an anti-peace sign on it? And then he got a TV Title shot? And then he was dominated and went back to being a big goofy loser that no one ever liked? Berlyn's people were watching from the stage, taking notes. Blockbuster for the win.
Recap of the Hummer angle. We don't know who the driver of the white or black Hummers are, or if they are the same person.
ICP CD ad.
Mike Enos vs Evan Karagias
I wonder why Evan wears jeans to the ring just to take them off. Another boring match that no one cares about. Vamp and ICP come out AGAIN. Not only did Vamp interfere, but he totally fell into the ref, who managed to not think anything of it. He attacked Enos, giving Evan the win. He then said that Evan owed him. The Demon then came out. It seems he had a mic on his spiky jacket. He said "Not here, not now, not this time" and then some pyro went off. The fuck?
Brian Knobs/Hugh Morrus vs Dean Malenko/Shane Douglas
Bobby is talking about The Demon as if he has no idea that it is Crush. Not only does it clearly look and sound just like Crush, but I guess he forgot that the last time we saw Crush, he was getting into a limo with a KISS vanity plate. Seems pretty easy to connect the dots. Shane again plays FIP, which is another example of the bigger and worse wrestler playing the FIP, which makes no sense. Obviously, Dean should be the FIP and work the bulk of the match, and have Shane come in from a hot tag and hit his finisher. It breaks down into a brawl on the floor for a bit. Hugh misses the moonsault. Shane did a slow motion plancha to the floor. The match ended in a double count out.
TO THE MEAN BROTHERJACKDUDE. Again? Fuck. 3 promo segments for Lex and Hogan. He wants to bone DDP tonight. He knows that Goldberg vs DDP is booked for tonight, so he wants Goldberg to come out. Goldberg suggests Hogan/Goldberg vs Triad instead. The Triad came out and agreed. "Hey, brother, I heard you were in the main event tonight. What if you let me tag with you so I can be in the main event, brother?"
Disco Inferno vs Rick Steiner WCW TV Championship
Disco claims to be an icon and that Rick has his title. So of course Rick comes out and beats the shit out of Disco. Total squash that continued after the match. Saturn ran in and they had a slug fest.
Chris Benoit vs Jerry Flynn WCW US Championship
I guess this was the top level competition that Benoit wanted. The rest of the First Family caused a DQ. The Revolution made the save. Benoit called Sid out after the match.
Goldberg/Hulk Hogan vs Jersey Triad
This is the second week in a row where fans were told Goldberg vs DDP would happen, only to have it changed at the last minute. But what really bothers me here is that Goldberg and Sting forgive Hulk just because he put the red and yellow back on. Did Goldberg just forget that Starrcade and the FPOD were all Hogan's idea to get the title back? Did he also forget the weeks of beat downs and spray paintings and Hulk calling him as sexual deviant on TV? But now, Hulk is bros with Goldberg and Sting just because. It's so lazy and makes no sense. I realize that happens in wrestling all the time, but it shouldn't happen that fast. Hogan is probably the only guy in WCW who shouldn't ever be forgiven for his actions. Yet, he has been and Lex is the only guy reminding people that Hulk is a slime ball, and he's portrayed as a heel for it. Kanyon died for DDP's sins. Hogan pinned Bam Bam with the leg drop as DDP hit Goldberg with a Kanyon Cutter. BANG! Goldberg completely no sold it.
TO THE BACK. Sting wants to know if Hogan is in his locker room. The fuck? Did he not know Hulk was in a match right now? He enters the locker room to find Randy Savage and Gorgeous George sitting. Sting then gave a puzzled and sad look to end the show. The best part was the immediate camera cut and new angle from inside the locker room, but there was no camera man there when Sting looked in.
DQ Count: 3 out of 11 matches.
Shows are getting slightly better since Road Wild. They're not good by any stretch, but they at least aren't fucking miserable. Sting has been pretty good for gifs lately.