WCW Monday Nitro SPRING BREAKOUT 3/22/99

Show starts with a recap of Hogan/Nash vs Goldberg/Flair.  Followed with a recap of Chastity turning on Raven at Uncensored.

Bull Payne vs Van Hammer

Bull looks like an even gayer Rob Halford had a baby with Buck Angel. What a terrible way to start any show, but especially a Spring Break show.  I'm not doing this match.  Hammer wins with a spinebuster.  He signature taunt is totally rolling a joint, but done slowly enough that maybe it isn't explicit.

TO THE NITRO PARTY.  Fuck you, Riki.  The whole show is a Nitro party, so these are bullshit.  Rey is talking about winning the title and giving Kidman a title shot at Spring Stampede.  After the break, they're still doing Nitro Party stuff, but this time with a weird local band where the drummer is also the lead singer and it is ultra cheesy.  Now Disco is the guest.  Disco does Yakov Smirnoff jokes.  Riki says that Disco in Konnan's video is annoying.  No way.  Disco is the only way that video is tolerable.  They show the video and Disco says if Konnan has a problem with it, they can have a match at Spring Stampede.

Recap of the Steiner/Buff break up.

TO THE BACK.  Finlay hits up the beach house to make sure Rick Steiner is there and ready for a fight.  Rick is indeed there, drinking Surge, and is ready.

Another recap of Goldberg/Flair vs Nash/Hogan.

Video of Goldberg doing stupid shit with NASCAR while Riki talks about how cool racing is.  Hak interrupts.  YO!  Hardcore Hak: The King of Extreme.  Hak vs Goldberg tonight.  Goldberg ain't extreme.  Hak is extreme.  YO!

60 seconds with Goldberg.  This is the same promo they were airing shortly before he won the title.  So a 9 month old promo package.

STING will make his WCW return...on QVC.  Fucking lol.

El Dandy/Psychosis/Silver King/La Cucaracha vs Lizmark Jr./Damian/Super Calo/La Parka

Cucaracha is some dude in a flannel shirt and Mil Mascaras mask.  La Cucaracha hit Stunners on everyone and pinned Damian.  WHO IS THAT MYSTERIOUS MASKED MAN?  Here are the gifs:

TO THE BACK.  JoJo and Flair are talking about all the bitches around tonight.  Flair has to be on the show tonight.  He's going to go out to the ring and challenge the entire company.  But the SWERVE will be that only mid carders and cruiserweights will actually be in the lottery to face him.

TO THE TENAY. Mike and Dusty Rhodes talked.  Tenay's sources said there were some issues with Dusty and Flair's people last week.  Dusty said he was instrumental in Flair getting into the office.  But they were in conference if you wheel.  Dusty was promised to be the commissioner.  Nothing happened.  He was then told he would get his spot back from Larry Z and possibly even replace Tenay.  Nothing happened.  But JoJo got the commissioner spot.  We are eating off of the table Dusty set.  "Are we cross?  Are you cross with Dusty Rhodes?"  The way he said it was fucking hilarious. Also hilarious was Tenay's pensive bird stare with the ocean behind him.

TO THE MEAN BY GOD GENE.  Larry went HAM on Dusty.  "Larry, are you cross?"  Fucking Tony, PERFECT timing.  He even did it with a Dusty lisp. Tony Schiavone is the BEST.  Raven interrupts Flair's promo and says he's never received a title shot (he has, against Goldberg on Thunder).  Flair says Raven and Kanyon can face the Horsemen for the tag titles instead.  Kanyon isn't even there since he's making the Jesse Ventura movie.  Flair says there will be a drawing for someone to face Flair in the main event tonight.  Well, no shit, since we already saw him say that in the back.

I love the looks Tony gives when Larry starts talking in cliches.

Fit Finlay vs Rick Steiner

Someone is going to get hit hard.  I bet Rick won't randomly stiff the fuck out of Finlay like he did Chris Adams.  Rick won with the bulldog. Very disappointing.  Neither guy stiffed each other even once.  In fact, they were both far less stiff than they normally are.

El Vampiro vs Juentud Guerrera

Juvi runs right into a kick to the face.  Spinning head scissors from Juvi.  Huge tossing powerbomb out of the corner.  Big chokeslam while Tenay talks about how he listens to punk once in a while.  Juvi tries a rana and gets powerbombed again.  Vamp tries one more, but YOU CAN'T POWERBOMB KIDMAN.  Vamp bails and Juvi does a pescado.  We come back from break to hear some loud chops from both guys.  Juvi is dumped to the floor.  He comes back with a rope stunner and a missile dropkick.  Another powerbomb, this time a sit out.  Vamp misses a whisper in the wind.  Juvi misses a guillotine leg drop, but because Vamp decided he did not want to do the spot.  Super gut wrench suplex.  Vamp tries one more power bomb, but it is countered into the Juvi Driver for the win.

Riki announces the winner of the Miss Nitro contest.  Lol, she came out and said hi...to the opposite of hard cam.  Hogan, Nash, and a whole group of bikini clad women come out.  It's the nWo's Miss Spring Break contest.  There were supposed to be 8 women, but only 7 came out.  SHOW YOUR TITS chants are shut down when Nash said he would, but it is cold out.  Woman 8 comes out.  It's Torrie, with David Flair.  Her heels got stuck on the ramp twice.  Riki cuts Nash off about Miss Nitro shit.   God, I hope he gets powerbombed.  They make him choose one of the nWo women.  He doesn't want to.  Nash teases a powerbomb.  Nash said to pick Torrie, so he did.  "Sable, eat your heart out HAHAHAHAHAH."

Goldberg vs Hardcore Hak

YO!  Sandman has Mongo's music, so I guess Mongo must be gone.  This is a dream match!  Sandman attacks as Goldberg jumped on the apron.  Goldberg no sells punches and puts Sandman on his ass.  Goldberg gets thrown back to the floor.  World's Strongest Slam.  Bulldog on a chair. Sandman gets his cane out.  Goldberg just stays standing in place when Sandman tries the White Russian leg sweep.  Powerslam.  Spear.  Jackhammer.  Should have been done on Bob's Wire.  YO! Goldberg spits on himself after the match.

TO THE MEAN GENE.  Bret Hart hopefully comes out to make some funny faces.  "I came here to earn a reputation, not lose it."  He's had no title shots since being in WCW over a year now.  He doesn't believe he'll ever get his match with Hogan.  They did have a match, but it was all part of a SWERVE.  He's defeated Nash multiple times.  "You may be the pencil, but I'm sure I can be the eraser."  This is getting insidery.  Goldberg's muscles can't defeat the technical skill of Bret. Just one time he wants Goldberg.  He can beat Bill in 5 minutes.

Nitro Girls do a routine cosplaying as male wrestlers and it was terrible.

Horace vs VINCE

Lol.  VINCE won and was they laid out by Stevie.  Whoreass joined in.  Crush came out to fight Whoreass.  Stevie and Crush then argued. 

TO THE MEAN BY GOD GENE. We're getting the drawing for Flair's opponent.  All the mid carders and cruisers are standing around the pool.  Number 23 is drawn.  El Dandy had 23, but he was hurt in the earlier match, so Rey Mysterio took his spot.  Flair says Rey wasn't supposed to be in the drawing.  Is El Dandy an offensive name now?

A Horsemen video airs with Hardcore Holly's music.

Raven vs Dean Malenko/Chris Benoit WCW Tag Team Championships

Raven is double teamed as soon as he hits the ring.  Cloverleaf very early.  Dean lets it go when Raven won't give up.  Iron Crossface.  Raven still won't give up.  Powerbomb doomsday device.  Saturn comes out.  Benoit says he can have the left overs, but this is Horsemen business.  Saturn then attacks both men.  T-bone and belly to belly.  Rings of Saturn on Dean.  Sandwich lariat from the Horsemen.  Extended beat down on Saturn.  Raven has been down in the corner for minutes.  Diving headbutt is missed.  No water in the pool, if you wheel.  Hot tag to Raven.  Saturn counters the Iron Crossface into the Rings.  Dean and Raven both have a title belt.  Raven hits Dean with one as Benoit is giving up.  DQ.  Dusty Finish, if you wheel.

Recap of the start of the US Championship tournament.

Scott Steiner vs Chris Jericho

This is a tournament match.  Jericho comes out in a sash with Japanese lettering.  Brain says it says "Jericholic".  Brain also speaks 7 languages, including carny.  Tenay popped huge for that.  Triangle dropkick sends Scott to the floor.  However, this pissed him off and he started beating the shit out of Jericho.  T-bone suplex.  Jericho comes back and almost wins with the Lionsault.  Scott powers out of the Liontamer.  Jericho does not power out of the low blow.  Steiner Recliner for the win.  This was the last WCW memory I had of Jericho, but I think he's primarily a jobber from this point on.

Ric Flair vs Rey Mysterio Jr. WCW Championship

Rey shows Flair up in the opening minutes.  Springboard leg drop.  A slap sends Flair down and begging off.  Arn tries to get involved, but is put down.  A series of dropkicks and seated senton.  Flair bails.  Arn wipes Rey out the next time he's on the floor.  Chops begin.  Rey almost wins with a roll up.  Lol at Rey trying to lead Flair through lucha roll ups.  Rey almost gets decapitated on an Irish whip.  Springboard X-Factor.  Rey misses at least 3 spin wheel kicks in a row. I don't even think he was supposed to, but Flair had no idea how to take them. Rey hits a super rana.  He had a clean win on Ric, but Arn pulled the ref out last second.  Flair is disqualified, so he retains the title.  Rey knocked him into the pool after the match.

DQ Count: 2 out of 9 matches.

I find it really strange that the Horsemen are full on heels pretty much out of no where.  Flair makes sense, but Arn, Dean, and Benoit don't.