WCW Monday Nitro 4/13/98

I need this show to be at least 100% better than Thunder was. That show can suck my dick.

Fit Finlay vs Scott Steiner

Oh man. This could be interesting. I’d kind of like to see Steiner get uppity and Fit put him in his place with a well placed forearm. Scott takes him down and is getting uppity with Fit. God, please hit him really hard in the face. Even if you were Finlay, would you risk stiffing Scotty and legit pissing him off? Spinning belly to belly. Scott gets out of the ring to shit talk Larry Hennig. Finlay definitely wasn’t fucking around with that European uppercut. Super t-bone. Steiner Recliner for the win. Short, but the few shots Fit got were stiff as fuck.

Bret Hart has a bumper saying that his calling in WCW is to prevent anyone from getting screwed. What a prude. 

Leaky Lane vs Ultimo Dragon

Bleh. I like Dragon and all, but fucking Lenny Lane. Not only is it a Lenny Lane match, but it is a long and competitive Lenny Lane match. Dragon sleeper for the win. 

Back to this Bret Hart interview. He just wants a title shot. A fair shot. That’s all he wants. 

TO THE BACK. Gene talks to Piper outside of a bathroom. He’s making Hogan vs Nash for tonight. Hogan and Beefcake attack him. Lol. Stunner…on the floor. That makes it more damaging. Remember when Austin did the stunner on the announce table? Lol. Actually, I swear Austin did a stunner on the floor once. So stupid. Beefcake is trying to do it without breaking his tailbone. Piper is trying to take it without breaking his knee caps. Very well thought out move.

TO THE MEAN GENE. Gene brings out The Giant. Piper will be just fine. I believe Giant is a 7 on the Piper Sloshed scale. He is going to make someone a Popsicle in the bat match. Lots of anal issues tonight.

Johnny Grunge vs Chavo Guerrero Jr. 

Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah man. Nah. Who on earth thought that Grunge should be the PE member put in singles matches? Lol, loud Eddie chants. He isn’t even out there. It should be a surprise to no one that the crowd is more interested in the guy who isn’t out there. Grunge wins after sitting down on a sunset flip. 

More Bret, this time saying he would like to see Hulk and Nash kill each other.

Kevin Nash comes to the ring. He claims that Hulk ran out the back door because he didn’t want to face Nash. And Piper was buddies with George Michael. I think that was another homosexual reference. He doesn’t know where Savage is, but he knows Sting is in the building, and he thinks he’d be the champion if Hogan hadn’t interfered last week. This brings Sting to the ring. And JJ. FUCKING JJ. You fat cunt. How are you not dead yet? Pussy ass bitch. Sting wants a title match tonight and he wants Nash to have his bat. Lol. They can do this in the main event. Sting wants the powerbomb reinstated for the title match. JJ agrees. 

Glacier vs Chris Benoit

I can’t believe they’re still doing the full entrance for Glacier even though he’s a jobber. Glacier isn’t even in good shape anymore. He’s got a noticeable gut developing. Fat karate dudes always weird me out. Benoit beats the shit out of him for a minute before a spin kick changes the match. Back leg front kick to the back of the front back head. It doesn’t even make sense. He kicks with his shin/foot. It was the front of the leg. It was just a front kick. Lol, Larry is bitching about kung fu movies. God, he’s such a fuck head. If it isn’t golf or talking about himself, he hates it. Release German suplex. Crossface for the win. 

Buff Bagwell vs Lex Luger

Bischoff is with Buff and he finally cut his mullet. Before the match, Buff says he’d rather face Rick Steiner for what he did to Bischoff on Thunder. Bisch says that Hulk left because he had to go be on the Tonight Show. Lex gets Buff in the rack. Bischoff comes in and kicks him a few times. Lex then puts him in the rack. Scott Steiner hits the ring. Rick hits the ring and the heels scatter. 

Super Calo vs Chris Jericho WCW Cruiserweight Championship

Jericho claims that Calo is the Prince in disguise. Calo tries to show as much of his face to the ref as he could, but Jericho attacked. Come on baby! Brain compares Jericho to Ali. Tony didn’t appreciate it. I feel like I’ve seen this match 5 times so far. Jericho mostly dominates until Cal hits a double jump springboard back leg front dropkick. Plancha to the floor. Calo tries a super diving victory roll, but over shoots and then gets caught in the Liontamer. Prince ran in to run Jericho off. 

Hammer vs Saturn

Kidman tries to prevent this match from happening, but they throw him out of the way. They proceed to stiff the fuck out of each other. Gargoyle plex and Rings of Saturn for a quick win. 

Rocco Rock vs Goldberg

What is going on? Both members of Public Enemy in singles matches? So strange. Oh my, Tenay is instituting a Did You Know in each Goldberg match. Tonight’s was that he was drafted in 1990 to…some team. Bill throws Rocco half away across the ring to get out of a headlock. It goes to the floor where Goldberg hits the ring post and steps. The table is getting set up in the corner. GORE GORE GORE! Fucking killed the man. Saturn comes back out. Raven stops him from getting in the ring. He didn’t try to stop the rest of the Flock and they get killed. 

A hype video on Goldberg airs. Probably should have aired before he wrestled, but whatever. This is followed by Nitro Party stuff. 

Yuji Nagata vs Curt Hennig

I like that Nagata never smiles during Ono’s photo-ops. This sounds like a weird style mesh. Not only is Larry Hennig at ringside, but Rick Rude’s father is next to him. Lol, Rick and Dick Rude. I was really hoping his name would be Dick, and a second later, Brain confirmed it for me. A bummer that both of those dads are alive, but the sons aren’t. Curt is fired up and stiff as shit. Explodaaaahh. Larry takes his sweater off to reveal a Hennig Rules shirt under it. Curt wins with a pretty solid late stage Perfect Plex. Frankly, Curt treated Nagata like a piece of shit. I realize he was the hometown guy, but it seemed bordering on unprofessional. Nagata gets handcuffed to the ropes, but Anvil chases Perfect and Rude off. 

La Parka vs Booker T WCW TV Championship

What the fuck, I think Tony admits to wearing a gimp mask in the bedroom. Brain set him up for it, too. And he didn’t realize what he was saying until he said it. I was hoping they’d have a break dance off. I want Parka spinning on his head on a chair. Book eats him Parka alive until a low blow stops it. Book goes full on Ron Simmons with his spinebuster. No way he wasn’t giving concussions with that thing. Ax kick. Pancake Norton. Side kick. Missile dropkick. Booker retains. Benoit stops Parka from hitting Booker with a chair. They get into it. They have a no time limit match at Spring Stampede. 

Rage vs DDP WCW US Championship

How do you wrestle in tight tapered acid washed jeans? Rage isn’t going to win. Dude couldn’t handle the Beverly Brothers. I’m just here for the Kanyon Cutter. He does it as a rebound out of an Irish whip. Tenay claims it is a new variation. It’s not. It’s actually one of the most common ways he does it. Raven and the Flock come out. Raven is giving the greatest hits of his botched Thunder promo and sends the Flock to the ring. As DDP fights them off, another fan attacks Raven. He looked familiar, though. 

Konnan vs Rick Steiner


Sting vs Kevin Nash WCW Championship

Outsiders are still tag champs apparently. I forgot all about it until Buffer mentioned it. Hall has been AWOL for about a month and a half and the belts haven’t been brought up once until tonight. Not sure where Hall was at the time. Suspended? Injured? Rehab? I don’t know. Hey, guess what? Sting is the champion and getting the shit kicked out of him. I mean, that’s a common thing for face champions. The problem I have with it is that Sting always looks like he’s dead after 2 minutes of getting beat up. Instead of making it look like his belt is in jeopardy or his opponent is a monster, it makes Sting look like a loser a minute into every match. He basically wrestles 95% of his title matches as if he were a job guy on Saturday Night. He gets back into it. 3 Stinger splashes. He puts the Deathlock on Nash. Savage comes down. He sends Liz to distract the ref so he can hit Sting with his new cast. But Sting kicks out! Jackknife! Bret Hart pulls the ref out of the ring and starts fighting with Nash. Looks like Bret just screwed Nash. Sharpshooter! I love that fans were throwing garbage into the ring even before the finish. As soon as Savage was at the end of the ramp, drinks started flying. The rest of the nWo come out. Another powerbomb to Sting. Bret fights off the whole nWo by himself. WE’RE OUTTA TIME!