WCW Tuesday Nitro 7/22/97

Please let Sting show up disguised as Sting again. Have I ever told you how terrible the Nitro Girls are at dancing? Tonight, Ric Flair will announce the newest member of the Four Horsemen, and Curt Hennig will make is Nitro in ring debut.  

Bischoff and Hogan come to the ring. Will Hogan ever give Lex his title shot? They relax by doing their promo down on the mat. It is weird. Fuck. Ranting about the 80s and how great K-Dawg is for the nWo. Get this shit outta here. He accepts Lex's challenge for Road Wild.  

Konnan vs Tsubasa

Tsubasa is a random ass dude to bring in. Only about a year of experience, working CMLL and for Ultimo's OG Torymuon. Konnan squashes him in about 45 seconds. 

Ultimo Dragon vs Steve Regal WCW TV Championship

Neither guy got entrances. For a title match. 10 minutes into the show. Would you believe me if I told you that Ultimo fucked up one of his regular spots 2 minutes into the match? And would you believe if I told you that Regal didn't fall for the corner head stand? Would you also believe that Regal stiffs the fuck out of Ultimo a few times? A new WCW wrestler has been signed, and he'll be announced later tonight. Tenay says that Regal will be one of 3 Americans ever to compete in the G1 this year. One: He's English. Two: There have been a lot of actual Americans in the G1 over the years, especially if you go back to the IWGP/MSG League days. 1992 had EIGHT Americans in it. Anyway, Regal taps out to the Dragon Sleeper. New champion!

TO THE MEAN BY GOD GENE. Ric comes out wearing a zebra print silk shirt and a cream colored blazer. And now he introduces the newest member of the Four Horsemen: SYXX! What? Lol. Syxx insists there isn't a new Horseman. So, they just put this whole feud on hold for a month and a half so Flair could feud with Piper, and now they brought it back when the momentum was gone and everyone in the nWo had moved on? Flair opts to leave since he's been in so much trouble messing with Syxx. Then he punches Syxx. SWERVE! I think Outsiders vs Horsemen got made later.

The Great Muta vs The Giant

This ends in about 30 seconds as Muta misted Giant before he could get chokeslammed. Virgil and Macho then hit the ring for a triple beat down. Giant throws them off and Lex hits the ring. Giant grabs him and gets him up for the chokeslam, but Lex is able to convince the blinded Giant that it was his buddy instead of an nWo member. 

Dean Malenko vs Steve McMichael

How long until Jeff or Debra show up? Did you know the internet has been saying Dean Malenko was in the running to be the new Horseman? Maybe this is his try out match. "Women are like elephants: Interesting to look at, but you don't want to own one." Okay, Larry. Dean hits a very awkward German suplex on Mongo. Jeff and Debra do of course come out and cost Mongo the match. Post match, Gene tried to talk with Dean, when Jeff and Debra tried to take over the promo. Then police held Mongo back. Jeff wants to form a partnership with Dean. Dean tentatively agrees to some kind of alliance. Jeff then tries to answer for Dean, and Dean says he'll answer when he's ready. I mean...he kind of already did.

Hector Guerrero vs Eddie Guerrero

LA FAMILIA EXPLODES...AGAIN! Hector almost falls over the top rope 20 seconds in. Lol, Eddie gets out of a rolling cradle by biting. And then keeps biting. What a piece of shit. Needs some hair pulling and yelling for mom. Low blow! I think Eddie has done every cheap shot one can do in pro wrestling. Which is great for a sibling rivalry match. Eddie wins with a powerbomb and frog splash. Dean Malenko comes back out after the match and attacks Eddie. Hector fights Dean to save his brother. Eddie then shoves Hector into a fight with Dean and leaves.

TO THE MEAN GENE. JJ comes out to announce the newest signing to WCW. Stevie Richards comes out and says that he has signed with WCW. JJ wants to know where Raven is. Well, let us go to ringside to get this contract signed. Stevie actually put the deal together. Raven doesn't like it. Raven rambles and rips up the contract. Stevie gets beaten up. Again.

Lex Luger vs Scott Norton

Lex gonna have to put everyone in the nWo in the rack before he gets to Hogan. Virgil runs in and gets the match thrown out in about 2 minutes. He gets put in the rack. Lex challenges Hogan to a title match tonight. Hulk comes out to say no before Lex even gets the challenge out. Lex makes the very stupid mistake of following the nWo to the back and then...the show goes to commercial.

TO THE BACK. Hall and Nash arrive. Nash is wearing plaid shorts that might be boxers. Konnan greets them.

Wrath/Mortis vs Psychosis/La Parka

Imagine being a kid. You've never seen wrestling before. Your dad happens to be flipping the channels around on a Tuesday. You suddenly see a guy dressed like a skeleton, another guy dressed like a super hero, a dude who appears to have a bare skull, and a giant fighting in the ring. How awesome would that be? The Outsiders vs Flair/Benoit will happen tonight.

TO THE BACK. Flair and Hennig are speaking. It sounds like Hennig is agreeing to join the Horsemen. 

Hypno tries to run up the ropes, presumably for the corkscrew moonsault, but he slips, falls on the ropes, and bounces to the floor. Calo-esque was his fall, Joe. He didn't seem to get injured, at least. Dives everywhere. Sonny gets all up in Sinister Minister's shit. Team Mortal Kombat won with a powerbomb/neckbreaker on Hypno. La Parka broke a wooden chair on Mortis after the match. Wrath kicked him out of the ring. Very fun. Would have been so dope to see this out of context as a kid.

Buff Bagwell vs Booker T

The match that eventually killed WCW. Let's see if this is any better than that imfamous match from 2001. Booker has so much fucking spring in his step in this. Dude just bouncing around the ring like a kangaroo. Interesting that Stevie is nowhere to be found. Buff has Virgil and Norton out with him. Book controls most of the match, but Norton interferes and costs him the match. Booker got a beat down after the match. No one came to save him.

TO THE MEAN GENE. Rey Jr. is out on crutches to talk about his knee injury. He has declined a surgery and is trying to heal it the "natural" way. Konnan comes out and knocks Rey's crutches away. La Parka, Psychosis, and the Villanos come out to save Rey. Apparently we're going to get Konnan/Wolfpac vs mid card luchadores? Lol.  

Michael Wallstreet vs Curt Hennig

Wow. Perfect's first Nitro match is against...IRS? Fuck. DDP runs down from the crowd, which meant we missed the Perfect Plex that finished the match in 45 seconds. He attacks Hennig and they brawl. Kanyon Cutter. BANG! Security and refs pull DDP away.  

The Outsiders vs Ric Flair/Chris Benoit WCW Tag Team Championships

Flair has been completely rejuvenated working with the Wolfpac. Can't believe they cut this shit short so he could have a shitty feud with Piper. Flair's bumps for Nash are hilarious. Like a one handed shove has him completely dead. Flair works as FIP for almost the entire match. He finally gets the hot tag to Benoit, who completely fucks up The Outsiders on his own. Flair gets distracted with Syxx again. Nash blasts Benoit with a big boot to get the win. Title retained. Syxx locks on the Buzzkiller on Flair on the floor until Mongo makes the save. The Steiners came out on the ramp but WE'RE OUTTA TIME!

God, every match was so fucking short. I doubt anything went over 5 minutes. At least half of the matches on the show were under a minute.