WCW Monday Nitro 3/31/97

TO THE BACK. The nWo arrives in a black limo. BUT WHO WAS LIMO?!?!?!?!

Lex Luger/Giant vs Road Block/Rick Fuller

You'd expect this to be a quick squash, since both Lex and Giant have defeated each of these guys individually many times, but it's a nearly 10 minute match. Giant pinned Road Block with the chokeslam as Lex struggled to get Fuller in the rack. Harlem Heat hit the ring and they all brawled, as this is the main event for Spring Stampede.

TO THE MEAN SUCKA. Harlem Heat is tired of being disrespected and they ain't putting up with this shit anymore. 

Meiko Satomura vs Toshie Uematsu

This is a first round tournament for the WCW Women's Cruiserweight Championship. Why would you introduce another women's title when you can't even feature the one you already have? I wonder what the weight limit is. 130. Uh. I can't imagine most of the women I've seen in WCW are over that. The only thing of note here is that Uematsu landed on her head doing the Tiger Mask walk up. Well, that and Larry getting pissy that he had to try to read Japanese names, because that shit pisses him off. Uematsu wins with a big Superfly Splash.

Psychosis vs Villano IV

From joshi to lucha. Tenay again blows up the Villanos spots, revealing their real name and shit. God damn it Tenay, you should know better than that. Hypno hits a corkscrew moonsault to the floor. I have to think, fuck that move. Eddie is the only guy to really try to catch Hypno. 

TO THE BACK. Nash, Norton, IRS, and Kid are talking about sides and trying to get some deal finished. Could this be related to Hogan and Hall missing again? 

Back to the match. Hypno wins with the guillotine leg drop. He's coming for Rey, apparently. Or it was for Rey. One of the two.

TO THE MEAN BY GOD GENE. Flair is a god in Virginia. Oh god damn it, Roddy Piper interrupts the promo. Shit. Piper makes fun of Ric's nose and implies that Flair can't get women wet anymore. Even in a water bed. Flair goes in on Piper's Hollywood ass. He also shits on Piper's wrestling ability, and it is somehow a compliment. He goes on to say that Piper is the fastest gunslinger in the West, and it's time that Piper stops checking his gun when he comes to WCW. 

La Parka vs TAFKATAFNAPI WCW TV Championship

Fuck Prince. I like that he's been the champ for like two months and he's still the underdog in every match. Even though he always wins cleanly. It's not like he gets fluke wins or anything. Parka basically dominates this, just splatting Parka with top rope moves repeatedly. LA PARKA HAS A CHAIR! He uses it to give Prince a seat and then hit a dive. This match is ugly. Prince is so shitty. He's fucked up almost every spot in this match. Just a comedy of errors for that dude. Prince ends up getting counted out. Or not. Apparently the bell ringer rang the bell earlier, thinking Prince was counted out. UNDERTAKER AND BROCK STOLE THEIR FINISH FROM A PRINCE/LA PARKA MATCH. Prince wins. This match was bowling shoe ugly. Title retained.

TO THE BLOODY MEAN GENE. Regal! I think he's fucked up. His face looks weird, he's rambling and stuttering, he's not even doing his normal accent.

Chris Jericho vs Steven Regal

I think Regal is facing Prince at Spring Stampede. Jericho hasn't been doing shit for a while. Actually, Regal hasn't really done anything since Uncensored. And he lost here. Regal beat the shit out of him after the match. Good. Fuck Jericho and his lame ass theme. I can't in good faith support a lame a dude with music so lame. Renegade hits the ring, but apparently the look Regal gave him scared the shit out of him, so he backed off. Joe Gomez then ran in and get the shit knocked ou tof him. Then Kidman. Then Lenny Lane. KICK IN THE DICK. Lol, this is great. Regal just destroying all the jobbers. 

TO THE BACK. IRS bails and goes home.

Debbie Combs vs Akira Hokuto WCW Women's Championship

I never get when wrestling runs angles of people being the number one contender, but then has the champ defend against jobbers. Seems like it happens all the time, too. Even more wacky about all this is that the title wasn't even mentioned on TV for 5 months, so Madusa suddenly coming out being mad about who was the number one contender didn't make much sense from the start. Nothing at all of note. Title retained.

TO THE MEAN GENE. Madusa tried to talk shit and got hit. Don't fuck with Akira. It turns into a pull apart brawl, with the other women and refs having to pull them apart.

Another Sting video airs. Covers the whole Sting Saga. 

Amazing French Canadians vs Steve McMichael/Jeff Jarrett

Jeff and Mongo seemingly patched up their issues, but Jeff still seems to be doing his own shit. Mongo and Jarrett also don't seem to be doing much Horsemen stuff lately. It's not long before PE come out. Weirdly, Parker saved Jarrett from getting hit by the briefcase so he could throw it to Mountie to use on Mongo. Seems like it would have been better to let Jeff get hit, and then take it. But whatever, it worked out for his team. Mounties win! 

TO THE MEAN GENE. Horsemen are going to kill PE or something. Jeff and Mongo get into it again. This shit will never end.

Hugh Morrus vs Chris Benoit

The rematch. They kind of have a real match this week. Benoit wins and the DoD immediately hits the ring to beat him down. Again. Flair eventually comes down and beats up the entire DoD. Again. Sullivan was about to go after Woman when Arn stepped in his way.

TO THE MEAN BY GOD GENE. Basically, fuck Sullivan is the point of this. This shit will never end.

Lance Ringo vs DDP

Lance Ringo is, I believe, Sick Boy, but he looks like Brad Maddox's older brother. Lance brought Kim's nudie pics out with him. He was quickly murdered.

TO THE MEAN SCUM GENE. Wait, so now DDP is proud of Kim being in Playboy? He's mad about what Macho did to Kim and DDP and this never had anything to do with the Playboy thing, which is entirely what this angle was started with. Macho shows up in the crowd, finally having been smartened up to what DDP's name actually was. LOUD Macho Sucks chants starts up, which tells you how over DDP is, because crowds are always supportive of Macho no matter what he's doing in nWo stuff. "What are you, some kind of gemologist or something?" Lol. DDP calls Liz a tramp, Macho claims DDP has no balls. 

Steiner Brothers vs High Voltage

Pretty quick and uneventful. Steiners won, Rick still looks like he has ear problems. 

Nash and Syxx take over the announce booht. Brian has a lot of trouble getting away.Nash is doing a state of the nWo address. He doesn't know what the fuck is going on with the group. Hall is taking care of business more important than wrestling. Basically, Nash is pissed about all this shit with the old dudes spending so much time with Rodman's movie shit. Damn, he shits all over all the vanilla midgets who are only alive because he allows it. And then he screams that he'll fight WCW by himself if he has to.

Weird show, especially as a go home show. Nothing really progressed, Sting and Hogan haven't shown up since Uncensored, nothing was really built or promoted. The announced card for Spring Stampede:

  • Rey Mysterio Jr. vs Ultimo Dragon
  • Akira Hokuto vs Madusa WCW Women's Championship
  • TAFKATAFKAPI vs Steven Regal WCW TV Championship
  • The Outsiders vs Steiner Brothers WCW Tag Team Championships
  • Public Enemy vs Steve McMichael/Jeff Jarrett
  • Dean Malenko vs Chris Benoit WCW US Championship
  • Lex Luger vs The Giant vs Booker T vs Stevie Ray Number One Contendership
  • DDP vs Randy Savage