WCW Monday Nitro 4/1/96
Sting vs The Giant
The show starts with both men in the ring. Eric says something about Jimmy Hart having Giant replace Lex in a tag match on Saturday Night and now they're in a match. Or something. I don't know. Eric probably doesn't know, either. Mongo doesn't understand it either. Giant tries to chokeslam Sting from the apron. Sting does a dropkick in the middle of it, sending Giant into the Nestea Plunge. Lex comes out and I'm not sure if the match was thrown out or if Giant was counted out. Oh, okay. It was supposed to be Sting/Giant vs Harlem Heat for the titles. Jimmy Hart gave Harlem Heat a check, so they left. The Championship Committee said Giant couldn't replace Lex, so that turned into Giant/Sting.
Steiner Brothers vs Road Warriors vs Nasty Boys
Way to not be able to read your own copy, Eric. God is he terrible. I don't know why they keep assuming LOD attacked the Nasty Boys a couple weeks ago. It was supposed to be Nastys vs LOD, Nasty Boys go down and the Steiners replace them, then say they came specifically for LOD after the match. So why would you not think the Steiners were the ones who attacked the Nasty Boys? Knobs and Rick start the match. It'd be wonderful if they just took turns beating on Knobs. A lot of lariatos and punches in this. Scott is getting bigger each time he's on TV. Eric claims that all the guys are undisciplined athletes. Two of these dudes were elite college wrestlers. You can't be undisciplined to do that. Animal and Hawk are obviously disciplined with their weight training. The Nasty Boys are fat, sloppy, SAWFT jalopies. Interesting, there is a PILLMAN 3:16 sign out in the crowd, months before Austin 3:16 was a thing. "He is on rubber legs street." I think you got two sayings mixed up there, Eric. Not enough bombs being thrown. Not enough trying to injure Knobs. Remember that time the Frankensteiner almost killed Knobs? Remember the time when Maxx Payne broke Knobs' shoulder with a belly to belly? Those were great. I wish something like that would happen in this. He's been dropped a few times, but nothing bad. We almost get one when Hawk stops a super belly to belly and Knobs looks like he broke his leg or something. Public Enemy come out and lay Knobs out on the floor. Grunge was dressed as Knobs, slides into the ring, and lets Scott pin him. This is proof that PE were the ones who attacked the Nasty Boys. Whatever.
Arn Anderson/Taskmaster vs Hulk Hogan/Asshole Man
Sure seems like this angle should be done. Both heel stables together couldn't end Hulkamania, so why are we still doing this shit? Hulk wrestles in his spandex pants for some reason. Brain says he is retiring from announcing and wrestling. Tonight will be his last night. Arn and Ass begin. As much as I shit on Beefcake, Sullivan isn't much better than him. Has he ever been in a decent match that didn't involve Benoit? Then you add in Hogan, who has had probably 5 decent matches since 1992. Even Arn can't carry 3 dudes at once. He can try. He is TMF, after all. But it doesn't work. Hogan and Beefcake. In 1996. Mongo repeatedly insists that Woman's wearing of a white dress is playing mind games with Kim. Well, first off, Woman's dress is silver. Second, how is that playing mind games? Hulk comes in and boots both guys. Beefcake gets Kim to take her shoe off. Hulk uses it on Sullivan to get the win. Asshole was attacked after the match. Why can't they let this end?
TO THE MEAN BROTHERJACKDUDE. Maybe Hulk will finally explain this secret agent thing. Beefcake says he's got a plan on the back burner that can end all this, as long as Hulk trusts him and teams with him next week on Nitro. He says, "satisfaction", twice in a very creepy and awkward way. Regardless, they're teasing the feud will finally end next week. God I hope so.
Lex Luger vs Ric Flair WCW Championship
Debra is in the front row. Ric seems to hit on her. Eric also makes a weird comment about her. Mongo doesn't care about either. Bischoff wishes Brain well in his future endeavors. Holy fuck Woman's screams are horrible. FUCK. STOP. Lex dominates the opening minutes and is playing full face. Nitro is preempted next week. The yaks distract Lex and that allows Flair to go on the offense. Figure four is on. I hope Lex reverses it and Mongo says he's never seen anyone do that. It is reversed with no comment from Mongo. Lex gets Flair in the rack. Woman takes a cup of coffee from a fan. Liz distracts the ref as Woman throws the coffee in Lex's face. Roll up for the win. Title retained. Sting runs out before anything else can happen to Lex.
Who gets coffee at a wrestling show? Oh, Bobby isn't retiring. It was APRIL FOOLS. What a swerve. Hall and Nash can not get here soon enough. The DoD/Horsemen vs Hogan shit is still going on and still the main focus despite having the most ultimate blow off match possible. They keep talking about the cruiser tournament, yet none of it is taking place on Nitro, which is fucking stupid. In fact, they haven't had any cruiser matches in about 2 months. 2 months ago, they said AAA guys would be coming in. They still haven't. There is almost no new talent on the shows any more, which was a big part of the first 3 months or so.