WCW Monday Nitro 12/30/96

TO THE BACK.  A cavalcade of limos have arrived.  It's the nWo!  All of them!  BUT WHO WERE LIMOS?!?!?!  The conflict with The Giant continues.  Hulk tries to settle things down.  It seems Hogan had promised Giant a title shot if he won WW3, but Hulk won't do it.  Ted eventually makes the camera man leave.

Last night, Roddy Piper defeated Hulk Hogan.  However, it was not a title match and Piper isn't even part of WCW.  He came in on his own for a one shot match.   

Amazing French Canadians vs Public Enemy

Some old dude tries to hide from the camera.  I can't blame him.  I wouldn't want to be seen at a wrestling show, either. Looks like Stunt Granny is back.  I hope she knocks the shit out of someone.  This is a weird looking venue.  So much stalling bullshit.  From both teams. This already feels like a house show style TV taping so no one gets hurt for the holidays.  Mountie moves out of the way of the Drive By and Grunge gets put through the table.  Mounties win with the cannon ball.

Jushin Liger vs Ultimo Dragon

I assume this isn't a title match since they have a match for the J Crown at the January 4th dome show in NJPW.  Maybe it is a Cruiserweight Championship match.  Well, he only wears that belt out, so maybe.  Lariatooo battle.  Powerbombu.  Tiltawhirl battle.  So many battles.  Dragon hits a headbutt suicida.  By the way, Liger's hand spring back back attack thing is really stupid and I hate when he does it.  Brainbusters and superplexes and stuff.  No flow, half speed.  No one wants to be hurty for New Years.  Ultimo hits the OG Dragonrana and the tiger suplex for the win.

Konnan vs Big Bubber Strap Match

Bubber gets to be the first to debut the B-Team music on WCW programming.  It's so dope.  I think it is better than the original.  Bubber never shows up.  Instead, IRS takes the match.  If there is an upside to any of this, it is that I might get to see Konnan strapped really hard.  This looks like a deleted scene from Army of Darkness.  Konnan wins via the Savio Vega method.  Konnan won and didn't even realize it.  He didn't get hit hard even once.  Fuck this.

Hogan and Bischoff come to the ring.   They say Hulk beat Piper clean in the middle of the ring.  They're saying all kinds of shit because Piper was only in WCW for the one match, so he can't respond.  

Hugh Morrus vs Kensuke Sasaki

Another lariato battle.  Nothing interesting, but Hugh hits the moonsault.  Sonny OhNo hits him with the Japanese flag and got Sasaki disqualified.  During the match, Bischoff came to the booth.  He took the master tape of Starrcade from the truck and won't allow any footage of Hogan losing to air.

Harlem Heat vs Faces of Fear

Ax kick doesn't even knock Barb down.  The super belly to belly happens, even though the ropes were lose and Barb was falling anyway.  Barb got really confused when Booker blocked Meng's atomic drop, so he just stood there wondering why he didn't get to kick Book.  Col. Parker comes out and hits Sherri in the ass with his riding crop.  He thought she'd enjoy it.  She didn't.  The Mounties come out and throw what appears to be soot or gunpowder.  Charcoal perhaps.  Book broke up the pin and Stevie got the win anyway.

TO THE MEAN SCUM GENE.  DDP repping that fanny pack hard for a promo.  He won't give Gene any answers and says some vague things before walking off.  


Oh SHIT.  RODDY PIPER has arrived!

Disco Inferno vs Glacier

Glacier is dumb as shit.  15 years of promos only to debut as a mid carder who has a super elaborate entrance and 3 minute matches.  LOL Disco just buried Peyton Manning!  I knew I loved Disco.  Fuck Peyton and his giant head and weird voice.  So sick of hearing about that dude.  They STILL talk about him regularly on the local news in Indiana.  The ring is covered in whatever the Mountie threw.  Ruined the mat for sure.  Disco shoves the ref in the way of a kick and then hits a lariatoooooo.  BEAT HIS ASS.  ICE HIM!  Disco tries to put on his new leg hold he's being working on, but he doesn't know how to do it.  Cryonic/super/crescent/thrust kick for the win.

Chris Benoit vs Chris Jericho

Action starts fast and furious.  Triangle dropkick is followed with a dropkick/double stomp thing to the floor.  Benoit wasn't happy with any of it.  Jericho avoids the death powerbomb.  But not chops and lariats and elbows.  Back superplex gets Benoit the win.  

TO THE MEAN BY GOD GENE.  The Horsemen are the guests.  No Arn.  Hopefully Woman knocks the shit out of Debra.  Debra says she's really missed Woman.  Then Woman puts Debra AND Mongo in their place.  Flair keeps the peace until Jeff Jarrett comes out.  Jeff asks where Arn is.  So does Woman.  Flair says he's at the Hyatt with beer cold enough to freeze the hand off an Eskimo.  Then he dances with Woman.  Debra says Woman is in a bad mood due to holiday weight gain.

Octagoncito/Mascarita Sagrada vs Jerito Estrada/Piratita Morgan

Midgets!  Only said about 1000 times this show.  They are minis, guys.  Didn't pretty much all of these dudes show up in the WWF shortly after?  This one dude is at least as big as Rey.  All this lucha fuckery.  Sagrada gets the win with a roll up OUTTA NOWHERE.  Whatevs, brahs.  

Dean Malenko vs Rey Mysterio Jr

Jobber entrances for both.  Both guys are LOSERS.  Maybe if they had won their matches last night they would have not had jobber entrances.  Huge Flapjack Norton.  I wish Norton was on the show to beat up someone small.  Or Konnan.  Tossing gut buster.  I think Ralphus is a camera man here.  I thought he was a truck driver for WCW?  Idk.  Looks like him.  I guess fat, bald, toothless middle aged guys all kind of resemble each other.  Rey slips on the ropes twice.  The ashy stuff in the ring makes it look like Rey shit his pants.  Rey tries one of his flippy spinny bullshit and TMF plants him with a powerbomb.  Dean gets knocked to the floor.  REy comes out with a flying tea bag to the floor over the post.  Rey slips again on the ropes.  The bell rings.  Time limit draw.  

Greg Valentine vs Lex Luger

Greg Valentine.  In 1996.  Lex wins with the torture rack in pretty short order.

Roddy Piper comes to the ring.  He said Starrcade was a one time thing, that he was only there for that night.  But now the cunt is still here.  He lied.  If these people had watched Starrcade they wouldn't be cheering him.  Aw shucks, greatest fans in the world, SHOOTING.  Last night was his last fight, ya know.  Ya know.  Ya know.  Ya know.  Aw shucks.  Ya know.  Hogan and Bischoff come out.  I can't believe fans are into this angle.  Piper says POOP.  Hulk says this is about Piper's family, boy.  Piper's son asked him to take it easy on his dad and that's why Hulk didn't kill Piper.  This makes Piper want to fight.  The rest of the nWo ambushes him.  The ring fills with garbage.  They give him a triple shoulder breaker on Norton's knee.  Hulk hits Piper's hip with a chair.  Giant is told to chokeslam him.  He doesn't do it.  Nick Patrick is officially in the ring in an nWo shirt.  Giant stands off from the rest of the nWo.  Hulk tries to talk some sense into him.  Piper is somewhere off camera spazzing the fuck out.  Hulk slaps Giant.  Giant grabs him by the throat and screams for everyone to leave the ring.  Hulk CRIES and screams he's sorry and will give Giant a title shot.  Then Hulk sics the nWo on Giant.  Eventually the numbers are too much.  Hulk beats on Giant with the title belt.   WE'RE OUTTA TIME!  SEE YOU NEXT YEAR!

So ends another year of Nitro reviews.