nWo Monday Nitro 9/23/96

With most of WCW's top stars away in Japan, there is no telling what the nWo will do tonight.  In fact, Tony shows us an ad in USA Today that the nWo hijacked.

EARLIER TODAY.  nWo fans were handing out nWo flyers again as fans entered the building.

Brad Armstrong/Juventud Guerrera vs Taskmaster/Konnan

Konnan and Juvi start and the FIRST MOVE is Konnan dropping Juvi on his head with a release German.  No wonder Juvi got so fucking crazy.  Konnan concussed him 900 times in 3 years.  And then Sullivan stomped his head.  God damn it, the 187 is unsafe as FUCK.  Konnan is so dangerous.  Sullivan refuses to get in with Juvi.  Konnan hits a powerbomb on Brad, Sullivan tags in, hits the double stomp for the win.  Konnan argues after the match.  Bib Bubber and Sullivan beat his ass.  This was his initiation.  He'd been in the group for like 3 months.  He hadn't been initiated yet?  

The nWo fans are walking around the building with big signs.

TO THE TENAY.  He talks with the Macho Man in the back.  He's a marked man and the only top star in the building tonight.  He don't give a fuck.  He's fucking stupid like that. He doesn't give a shit about jail.

Mike Enos vs Chris Jericho

Mike "Enis".  Penzer.  Come on.  One of those random ass WCW matches.  Enos is in a tag team.  Jericho is a cruiser.  Jericho gets his ass kicked, up to getting suplexed on a side ways propped steps.  Jericho finally starts firing back, but it is too late to make this interesting.  He hit a stiff lariatooo, which is not something I've seen out of him in his whole career.  Jericho kicks out of a superbomb.  He counters a powerslam into a small package thing for the win.  This match sucked.

Pat Tanaka vs Glacier

Things that always suck in wrestling: mood lighting.  Glacier wins with a spinning back front left swizzle right drizzle mocha pumpkin spice kick in quick order.

Public Enemy vs Harlem Heat WCW Tag Team Championships

No idea how PE could have possibly be legitimate contenders.  They never win.  The match starts before the bell with the champs in control.  Fortunes change when Book's dick meets the top rope.  Fortunes rechange.  Long chin lock from Stevie.  Oh no, the nWo has arrived.  Split screen.  Two limos.  The whole gang is here.  BUT WHO WAS LIMO?!?!?!  And WHO WAS LIMO??!?!?!?!  The finish is completely botched.  Twice.  It ends up with a small package and both teams thinking they won.  But PE won.  New champions!  


Well, it certainly wasn't an interesting first hour.  The lack of stars is pretty obvious.  

Greg Valentine vs Randy Savage

No one wants to see Greg fucking Valentine in 1996.  That dude moved like a 55 year old in 1986.  Macho got disqualified for hitting Hammer with a chair.  During the post match, the OG Wolfpac hits the ring.  Valentine leaves.  Outsider's Edge.  Liz is near the stage, looking awfully concerned.  She runs away.  Jackknife.  Giant looks like a fucking tool with his black jeans, boots, black vest, and a turtle neck button down with the top button buttoned.  Giant gives a big intro for Hogan.

All six dudes, just hanging out, fucking with Macho.  Leg drop on Macho as Giant does the Fargo Strut.  Someone throws a Slim Jim, which Nash uses to whip Macho with.  Giant eats it.  Hulk makes fun of Macho's bald spot and spray paints it.  Hall and Nash take over the announce booth.  Brain leaves, but they force Bischoff to stay.  The newest member is introduced: VINCENT!  


Welcome back to nWo Monday Nitro.  They're going to take over the NBA, the NFL, and NASCAR.  The nWo race car!  The newest newest member of the nWo:  KYLE PETTY!  

Jim Powers vs VK Wallstreet

GIant does the ring announcing and fucks all of his lines up.  You've got Hall and Nash on commentary, so you can imagine some wacky shit is going to be said.  Such as Hall saying Powers looked "all juiced up" and Nash dropping KISS references.  They head to the ring, leaving Eric and Ted to call the action.  Virgil is the CEO....of security.  Hall and Nash attack Powers.  IRS leaves.  Randy Anderson takes his bow tie off and walks out.  Nick Patrick with his new EVIL ear ring takes his place.  Giant could not be more fucking annoying.  We see Hogan running around spray painting the halls in the back on split screen like the Joker.  He runs across the Nasty Boys.  They've always been friends and Hulk wants to talk business tonight.  Hulk gives them his room key.  Well, suite key.  Are they going to bang?  Hulk actually gives Knobs the title.

When we come back from break, Hulk is wearing Macho's hat.  

Jim DOOGUN vs Ron Studd

Hall repeatedly says, "he's a comer".  Hulk offers a hand shake with The Yetaaay.  Then attacks him.  He and Nash beat him down.  Then the nWo music plays and claims their music is from "your favorite adult movie".  

Jim DOOGUN vs Syxx

Kid's WCW in ring debut.  Duggan won't let go of his board.  He's distracted arguing with Patrick and Syxx attacks.  Then he gets his ass kicked.  Old Glory ass kicking.  Lol, Hulk calls Syxx "The Kid" and you could feel Bischoff glare at him over the audio.  Giant pulls Duggan out and gives the weakest chokeslam ever seen on the floor.  Syxx gets the win.  What a terrible debut for him.  Gets the shit kicked out of him and then Giant hits one move that beats Duggan for him.  

Sure looks to me like Hulk is reading straight from a script.  "If you can't lick 'em, join 'em."  

nWo Sting vs Bo Ledux

Officer Farva vs a fake Sting.  This.  Is. TNA.  Sting wins with the Scorpion Deathlock.  

High Voltage vs The Amazing French Canadians

The Outsiders head to the ring and replace the Mounties.

High Voltage vs The Outsiders

I wish the Giant was dead.  I've never been more annoyed in my life.  "We ARE wrestling."  No way.  A future TNA tag line coined on an episode of Nitro?  I can't believe it.  Nick and Brooke get name dropped.  Complete and utter extended squash.        

This show suuuuuuuuuucked.  What little wrestling there was was boring as shit.  Then the nWo took over the show.  This is the night the nWo jumped the shark.  First, FUCKING VIRGIL?  Jeeeezus.  The nWo taking over a show for 20 minutes?  Dope.   The nWo taking over the show for the whole hour where all of them just ramble on commentary and Giant is THE MOST ANNOYING MOTHER FUCKER EVER TO EXIST?  Not dope at all.  God.  I'd rather watch 3 hours of Konnan matches than have to listen to him scream commentary, try to be funny, and act like Ric Flair.  Fucking Christ.  That kind of shit is why Allah is so severe on humans.