WWF Summerslam 1999


TO THE BACK. Jesse Ventura tells HHH and Chyna that he is in charge and this is his state.

EARLIER TODAY. Chris Jericho was mean to Fink.


Jeff Jarrett vs D'Lo Brown WWF European and Intercontinental Championships

Jeff and Debra argue before the match. Debra leaves. Then she comes back out with D'Lo. Two titles and a white woman. D'Lo made it. D'Lo is over as fuck here. He controls the match until Jeff catches D'Lo in a side slam from the top. A bit later, D'Lo NODS UP. Swanton misses. Debra gets on the apron. Jeff gets his guitar. Mark Henry runs out and takes it. Then he blasts D'Lo. SWERVE! MY GOD. Jeff Jarrett is the new EuroContinential Champion! And Debra leaves with Jeff. D'Lo came in winning and now has lost both titles, his best friend, and his white woman. Damn.

 
 

TO THE COLE. Michael spoke with Edge and Christian earlier tonight about the tag turmoil.


Tag Team Turmoil

E&C and the Hardys start the match. Gangrel took over PS Cunt's role and the Hardys are now the "New Brood". They quickly run through their normal spots. The best being Jeff doing his guard rail running thing and Edge running on the other side to do a spear in the middle. Christian pins Matt.

 
 

Mideon and Viscera are the next team to enter. God damn Phineas and Mable. Christ. In 1999. Edge pins Mideon with a spear.

The next team is Droz and Prince Albert. Droz was SHIT. Albert stole Kanyon's torture rack neckbreaker. Edge then pinned him with the Flatliner. Cunt.

 
 

Acolytes enter next. Fans are really into E&C winning this whole thing. "Star making" performance, I suppose. The Holly Cousins come out way before it is time. They just have shitty timing all around. JBL eliminates Christian with a Clothesline from Hell.

 
 

The Hollys are the last team to enter. Obviously. Since they blew their cue by a full minute. The cousins start fighting in the middle of the match. Hardcore goes down to a spinebuster from Faarooq. APA will get a title shot tomorrow night on Raw.

 
 

TO THE BACK. Taker and Big Show have arrived. 40 minutes into the show. Elsewhere, Al Snow is talking with Pepper.

Road Dogg comes out in a most unflattering outfit. White t-shirt, white shorts that make it 2 inches above the knees, a fanny pack, silver chain, silver bracelet over a watch, yellow sunglasses, high socks and high tops. He said it is some shit he got left out of the hardcore match, but will get the winner on Raw. And then Chris Jericho comes out. He on top of the Lion's Den. Looking like a cunt. Jericho's first WWF PPV appearance. He BERRIES Raw and Summersham. I never noticed how Jericho and Cyrus have the same promo cadence. He goes on to BERRY the whole locker room and Road Dogg in particular. "Hey, why don't you shut up, BITCH?"  

 
 

Al Snow vs Big Boss Man WWF Hardcore Championship

Roadie joins for color. Pepper refuses to go to ringside with Al. Al leaves him in a carrier in the back. Al hides on the cranes at the entrance and jumps on Boss Man from the start. Road Dogg decides to follow the match and do live, on site commentary. Pepper is clearly not in that cage anymore. CHALK BOARD CHALK BOARD CHALK BOARD! They go to the back and then outside. Hmm. Weird how the WWF security dude happened to already be inside the restaurant across the street. URINAL CAKE! Al ends up pinning Boss Man on a pool table after Road Dogg hit Boss Man with his own night stick. New champion. When Al heads back to the arena, he comes across Blue Meanie and Al Snow working on a car or something. Or doing something with Pepper. All beats them up.

 
 

TO THE BACK. Jesse Ventura talks with Mankind and tells Mick that the pinfall must take place in the ring. Then they talk about politics.


Tori vs Ivory WWF Women's Championship

GLOW reborn. They have a heatless, boring, and short match. They fuck up the finish TWICE. It was supposed to be Tori trying a sunset flip and Ivory sitting down on it. Well, the first time Ivory didn't sit down. The second time, she just fell over and did a normal pin. Ivory tried to undress Tori after the match, but Luna ran down to make a save.

 
 

TO THE COLE. Rock interviews Cole. I believe Rock asked Cole if he was gay. Elsewhere, Billy Gunn is walking with someone under a curtain.


Ken Shamrock vs Steve Blackman Lion's Den Match

Steve sneaked some nun-chucks into the cage. Oh wait, maybe there are just weapons at the top of the cage. This isn't good. At all. Why can't these dudes just have a bad ass fighter kind of match? Shamrock wins after a KO via kendo stick. Garbage.


TO THE HERMIE. Kevin shows us footage of Shane attacking Test on Heat. Test storms by. "Talking time's over."


Test vs Stephanie McMahon

Love Her Or Leave Her Match

Man. Much like Ken Shamrock being obsessed with his sister's sex life, Shane comes off incredibly creepy being so obsessed with Stephanie's sex life. Like...Stephanie is in her early-mid 20s. Shane is in his late 20s. And he's really trying to fight dudes that she dates? Wtf. The Mean Street Posse (all nursing injuries from Test) get to sit at ringside on a couch. Test hits a tackle on the floor. In the ring, Shane scores a double leg take down and gets full mount for a moment. The couch gets tipped! GOD GOD! The MSP did not appreciate that. The MSP brought shit like...a mail box. And a framed picture of them, which was VERY clearly pre-cracked for the perfect shatter. What the shit. Shane attempted a Spiral Tap. He missed, but it is the effort that counts. The ref gets his sternum shattered by a big boot. The MSP again get involved, but only waiting until the ref was down. It's no DQ, guys. You could have been involved the entire time. They put Test on the SAT. Shane comes off the top with a flying elbow drop. GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY SOMEONE GET THEM SOME HELP! The first official Leap of Faith spot. Taker did one at SS98, but the table was much closer and it was a leg drop. Due to the long time between spot and pin, Test kicked out. The MSP keep getting involved, so Patterson and Brisco show up to knock them on their asses. Test wins with the pumphandle slam and flying elbow of his own. TEST LOVES HER!

 
 

TO THE COLE. X-Pac and Kane don't give a fuck about what paper says. They're true bros.


The Undertaker/Big Show vs X-Pac/Kane WWF Tag Team Championships

God damn, I really forgot how many Kane/Taker matches there were. That is coming up on 2 years straight. Even when they were "together", they still ended up in matches against each other. Tags, triple threats, singles matches. PPV and Raw. Just all the god damn time. Over and over. Between heel and face turns. Just non stop. Taker and X-Pac start. Kane has his new, alt colored gear which looks way cooler anyway. Even seeing Kane and Show able to move around and young still fills me with extreme apathy. A lot of ball based offense from both teams. X-Pac kicked out of Show's chokeslam. Taker got really pissed about it and hit the tombstone for the win. New champions. Taker and Show argued over shit after the match.

 
 

TO THE BACK. Jesse lets Austin know the fall will happen in the ring. Austin doesn't want to hear it.


The Rock vs Billy Gunn

Kiss My Ass Match

Billy's big surprise was a rather large and unattractive woman. That's whose ass Rock will kiss when he loses the match. I don't think anyone has had their career killed so hard and so fast with a single promo as Billy Gunn's. That "God thinks you absolutely suck" promo ethered Billy Gunn so deep that he couldn't even get a title run in TNA. This match quickly heads to the floor and out towards the entrance. I don't believe this is no count out or DQ, so do your fucking job, Chioda. Even JR is being a true asshole towards this woman, calling her a wildebeest and saying she could be a whole bowling team on her own. What the fuck. That's the face announcer. "3 ax handles wide..." Come on, Jim. She's already been hired so people can laugh at her, at least as the face announcer you try to be less of a dick than King. For real, JR is saying worse shit about this woman than Jerry fucking Lawler. Billy brings the large woman into the ring. She pulls up her skirt to reveal ripped panty hose. Billy ends up getting his face shoved in her ass. Booty eating renaissance. Rock wins with the Rock Bottom and People's Elbow. Rock gave Billy a lot, but he was so far above this shit. It would have made a lot more sense for him to be in the main event triple thread instead of Mankind. Rock still had a simmering thing with Austin and was just in a heated feud with HHH.

 
 

Triple H vs Mankind vs Steve Austin WWF Championship

Special Guest Referee: Jesse Ventura

In the lead up to all of this, CHYNA was actually the number one contender. She won a triple threat with HHH/Taker (with help from Austin). Then she beat HHH in a singles match (with help from Mankind). But then Mankind beat Chyna. HHH and Mankind had a match that ended with a double pin on the same night. So...triple threat. Still. It should have been Rock. Or Chyna. Foley had been out for a while with a knee injury and was almost a full on comedy character before that. He got added on the go home Raw. Foley definitely shouldn't have been in a high profile main event. He can barely move. He should have been given months off after the HIAC instead of taking no time off and continuing to take ridiculous bumps for a year. Austin is wearing a knee brace on both knees now and HHH blasts the freshly injured one with a chair. Chyna gets involved and Jesse ejects her from ringside. It's a typical Attitude Era triple threat. Except in this case, two of the guys in the ring can barely walk and HHH's main event status was still pretty iffy. Jesse refuses to count a pin after HHH used a chair in front of him. Shane runs out. Austin gives him a stunner. Jesse throws him out. Austin was celebrating the spot and slipped, getting trapped in the ropes. The camera only caught his foot dangling and HHH had to help him get free. Double mandible claw! HHH hits the pedigree on Austin. Foley breaks the pin, hits the double arm DDT on Austin and pins him. Mankind is the champion! Fans weren't buying it. Certainly a mixed reaction. Of course, HHH would win the title the next night on Raw. HHH busted up Austin's leg with a chair after the match.

 
 

The Attitude Era fucking sucks.