WWF Summerslam 1990
It's a DOUBLE MAIN EVENT. It's SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSUMMERSLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM. You'll note that Hogan's match was promoted first, then talked about first when the show itself starts, even-though Warrior is the champ and defending his title in a cage. Roddy Piper and Vince McMahon will be calling the show.
The Rockers vs Power and Glory
Herc attacks HBK with his chain while HBK was getting in the ring. Right in the knee! Marty is fired the fuck up to fight, though. The ref lets PG double team for like 3 minutes straight. Anytime HBK gets near the ropes, one of PG attacks the knee again. And the thing is, Shawn had a bad knee coming into the match. I don't want to cast aspersions on a dead pro wrestler, but I think Hercules might not be in his best state of mind in this match. This ref is terrible. Dude is the most easily distracted adult I've ever seen. Marty puts up a strong effort, but gets put down with the Power Plex. Power and Glory continue to tear up HBK's knee after the match, and he's taken out on a stretcher.
TO THE MOON. Mr. Perfect and Bobby Heenan talk about defending the IC title against the Texas Tornado on 10 day notice. Pefect is perfect, so it doesn't matter. I can't help but stare at the perfect package during this whole promo.
TO THE MEAN GENE. Kerry Von Erich gets to respond. There are tornado warnings at the Summerslam. Again, I don't want to cast aspersions on a dead pro wrestler, but KVE might not be in his best state of mind on this night.
Mr. Perfect vs Kerry Von Erich WWF Intercontinental Championship
At this point, "Texas Tornado" was still just the nick name for Kerry, much like Mr. Perfect was originally just a nick name for Curt Hennig. This is a speed/technique vs power type of match. Kerry goes after the arm until Perfect just fucking wallops him with a lariat to the side of the head. It's THE CLAW! Kerry hits the discus punch so hard it makes Mr. Perfect spin the wrong direction. THE POWER. New champion! This crowd is going bananas. Very short match. Like...5 minutes.
TO THE MEAN GENE. Gene was supposed to speak with Dusty and Sapphire, but Perfect and Heenan storm in to cry and complain.
Queen Sherri vs Sapphire
Two things. Sherri is dressed like Jeff Hardy. Sherri is wearing a dress, stockings, and high heels, so it's not like anyone should be surprised when Sapphire didn't show up and Sherri wins via forfiet.
TO THE MEAN GENE. Dusty is in the locker room with Gene, and he doesn't know where Sapphire is, either. He hasn't seen her since they made it to the arena. "Hey, Hacksaw, have you seen Sapphire, babeh?" Lmao. Duggan just stumbles in to get asked that question, then bounces.
The Warlord vs Tito Santana
Piper, the face color guy, randomly starts the match with calling Tito a "bean eater" and "taco bender". Warlord is my lifting goal. Dude is just so fucking massive. Tito frustrates him with speed in the early moments. I thought Warlord was gonna hit a powerbomb. Slick is really putting in work at distracting refs tonight. If you thought what Piper was saying about Tito was weird, don't worry, he randomly speaks in jive when impersonating Slick. Warlord wins with a running powerslam.
TO THE MOON. Demolition join Sean. They haven't revealed which of the two will be facing the Hart Foundation tonight.
TO THE MEAN GENE. The Hart Foundation don't give a shit who they're facing. Then Bret quotes Phil Collins.
Demolition vs Hart Foundation 2/3 Falls WWF Tag Team Championships
Sadly, the version of Demolition is Smash and Crush. Bret comes to the ring with his hair in a pony tail. Weird. Bret and Ax begin. Bret mostly controls both members of Demolition, but Anvil gets fucked as soon as he hits the ring. Interesting. Bret is definitely the star of the team here. Well, always, really. Fans go insane after a close 2 count from a Russian leg sweep. Demos win fall one with the Decapitation Elbow on Bret.
Demos continue to work Bret over in the second fall. Will this be a NWA style 2/3 falls match where the second fall is super short? I SWEAR Vince says "bullshit" on a near fall. The second fall is indeed quite short and ends via DQ when Crush breaks up a pin by picking Earl Hebner up instead of just stomping on Bret.
The third fall sees Ax run down to ringside and hide under the ring. He switches places with Smash, and somehow, Earl Hebner doesn't recognize the completely different body types, hair, and face paint. Not that big of a surprise, since Earl is a garbage ref. Even Piper is confused and he SAW THEM SWITCH PLACES. Ax and Smash switch again, which brings out LOD. Hawk trips Crush when he's on the ropes. Bret is then able to roll him up. New champions! Fans lose their shit again.
TO THE MEAN GENE. LOD joins Gene. WELLLLLLLL. Hawk claims that Demolition are "micro mini men". The Hart Foundation then come in and celebrate.
TO THE MOON. Sean is outside of Demolition's locker room, and we hear them screaming and threatening LOD from the hallway.
TO THE MEAN GENE. Sherri is there to brag about "beating" Sapphire. She's heard some rumors about Sapphire. Maybe Sapphire isn't so dumb after all.
TO THE MEAN GENE. After a brief intermission, Big Boss Man comes in to talk about being the special ref for Bad News vs Jake.
TO THE MOON. Jim Duggan and Nikolai Volkoff are debuting as a team tonight. "I love Hacksaw Jim Duggan, he's my idol!"
TO THE MOON. Jimmy Hart, Dino Bravo, and Earthquake. Earthquake is going to squash and crush Hulkamania FOREVER. Wait...Boss Man is going to be a special ref for one match, and be in Hogan's corner later?
TO THE MOON. Jake and Damian aren't afraid of Bad News or his sewer rats. The snake tries to kill Jake during this. Keeps wrapping around his neck.
Bad New Brown vs Jake Roberts Special Guest Referee: Big boss Man
Bad News gets mad at Boss Man for...counting a normal count for him. Boss Man also lets him use a chair, yet he still argues. Seems like Boss Man is letting you do what you want, dude. Jake sells the mid section like a fiend, but then Bad News tries to leg drop the snake. Boss Man saves the snake, so Bad News attacks Boss Man. Jake then chases him away with Damian. No decision was given.
TO THE MEAN GENE. Gene is with Demolition, who claim the Hart Foundation cheated to steal the titles.
TO THE BROTHER LOVE SHOW. Sgt. Slaughter is the guest. Sarge presents him with a Greatest American award. Sarge goes on to shit on America for refusing to go to war (lol since when?), and that Saddam would defeat the US Army if war broke out tomorrow.
TO THE MOON. Fuji and the Orient Express . They're going to hit Duggan so hard his other eye will be crosseyed, too. This promo is interutped for Gene to finally catch up with Sapphire, who slams a door in his face.
Orient Express vs Jim Duggan/Nikolai Volkoff
Man, get this shit out of here. The only way this team could be worse is if Knobs or Konnan were added to it. Duggan pins Tanaka.
TO THE MEAN GENE. Dusty tries to talk with Sapphire, but she won't let him in, either. Dusty is worried SICK about this thing.
TO THE MOON. Randy Savage says the rumors about Sapphire must be true.
Dusty Rhodes vs Randy Savage
Before the match starts, Ted DiBiase comes out and reveals that he has bought Sapphire. EVERYBODY HAS A PRICE! HAHAHAHAHA! Dusty then goes after Ted, only for Macho to attack him half way down the asile. Dusty fires up and takes his frustration out on Macho, including throwing a dropkick. Sherri is involved for most of the (short) match, and Randy hits Dusty with her purse to win the match.
TO THE MOON. Sean tries to catch up with Virgil/Ted/Sapphire on their way out of the back. They get in Ted's limo and leave. BUT WHO WAS LIMO?!?!?!
TO THE MEAN BROTHERJACKDUDE. Hulk remembers everything, brother. This match is dedicated to the Tugster, dude. Boss Man will be in his corner to keep Dino Bravo in check. "So whatcha gonna do when the Hulkster and the Big Boss Man pass their constitutional rights onto you?" The show is in Philly, you see. George Washington Hogan chopped down the cherry tree with his 24 inch pythons and can not tell a lie, dude.
Earthquake vs Hulk Hogan
Really bummed they didn't play the hype video with the dark reprise of Real American. You can talk about Hogan's popularity starting to fall off around this time, but he's as over as ever on this night. Quake is Hogan's biggest challenge since Andre. Hogan's power means nothing to Quake. Why does Hogan always try to slam dudes early on? Has it ever worked? You would think he would have stopped after he almost lost to Andre because of it. Hogan is able to take out Dino, Jimmy, and Quake with punches all in a row. Boss Man and Dino openly interfere. The officiating on this night is horrific. Earthquake GOES TO THE TOP ROPE. It was just for a chop thing, but imagine a splash. From the top. Then he starts stomping on Hogan's hands, which is mean as fuck when you're 400 pounds. Hulk for some reason rips Earl's shirt apart while in a bear hug. "What was that for?" Dunno, Vince. Wondering the same thing myself. That dope ass powerslam. AFTERSHOCK! Quake doesn't pin, and instead does a second...which Hulk kicks out of WITH AUTHORITY. Hulk hits the big boot, a bodyslam, and the legdrop, but Jimmy Hart breaks the pin. Boss Man and Bravo brawl, then Hogan and Quake brawl on the floor. Hulk slams Quake on a table that had zero reason to be there, which didn't break, and makes it back in before the 10 count. Hulkamania lives! Not sure why this match had so much fuckery. Quake definitely didn't need all that shit to have a good match, and it ended up making him look like far less of a monster when having to rely on Dino/Jimmy to interfere every few minutes. Post match sees Quake choke Hulk until Boss Man whacks the shit out of him with a step ladder.
TO THE MOON. Bobby and Rick Rude talk about Warrior. Rude convinces himself to Rocky.
TO THE MEAN GENE. Dusty talks about EMOSHAWN. He offered up his innocence to Sapphire, and she payed him back in scorn. Hell of a real Dusty promo.
Lord Al is at ringside during the construction of the cage. The ring crew is working on beating their personal time record for constructing the cage. Al goes on to give the dimensions of the cage.
TO THE MEAN BROTHERJACKDUDE. Hulk gets to ramble about his win. Brother is riding his bike right up to Jack Tunney. He wants a title shot, dude.
TO THE MOON. Quake, Dino, and Jimmy aren't finished with Hogan.
TO THE MEAN GENE. Warrior gets to ramble. "Do you know what Rick Rude and Bobby Heenan have in common with the liberty bell? One is cracked, and the other is a ding dong."
Rick Rude vs Ultimate Warrior WWF Championship Steel Cage Match
This match starts with brawling at the top of the cage. Rude's first bump is a top rope bump. Going to be a rough night like their match last year. Rude gets busted open very early, he hits the Rude Awakening, then decides to jump from the top of the cage to hit a weak ax handle. what an idiot. If he could climb to the top of the cage, he could have left. And then he does it again on the otherside. Brain gets pulled into the ring and beaten up. Warrior climbs out to win. Title retained.
All the promos starting around the half way point were brutal. SO MANY PROMOS. I think only Quake/Hogan and the 2/3 falls match went over 10 minutes.