WWE Summerslam 2006
Rey Mysterio vs Chavo Guerrero
Oh yes, the Eddiesploitation continues 9 months later. After Rey won the World heavyweight Championship, Chavo eventually cost him the title, sick of Rey being treated as more of a Guerrero family member than Chavo. Wrestling, y'all. Now you have Chavo, Eddie's nephew, doing Eddie taunts for heel heat. Wrestling is pretty weird. Lmao, Chavo accidentally rips Rey's mask off while punching him. If Rey's HGH head didn't get so fat, he could actually fasten the mask at the bottom so that type of thing wouldn't happen. This is weirdly pretty dull. Vickie Guerrero comes out and begs Chavo to stop fighting. She then slaps Chavo. But then, she tripped Rey up when he was on the top rope, crotching him. And hurting herself in the process. Chavo hit the brainbuster and frog splash to win, and Vickie walked away angry, and Chavo walked away confused.
TO THE BACK. King BOOKAH and Queen Sharmell talk about the peasant Batista. Edge and Lita then stroll in. "WHO IS THIS ROGUE?!" "What is your point, squire?" Booker offers a wager: When Booker retains his title, and Edge loses his, Edge is invited to SD to kiss the royal feet. Edge's bet is for Booker to be his servant for a night if Booker loses his title.
Big Show vs Sabu ECW Championship
Sabu starts the match like a normal Sabu match: Chucking a chair around. This match that Sabu wanted so bad and he's getting demolished. Luckily he's good at throwing a chair. Of course, Sabu botches the biggest spot of the match, a pretty silly one at that: Big Show lays a flat table between both parts of the steps in an attempt to slam Sabu through the table that's a foot off the ground. Instead, Sabu tries to jump off of it and knocks it off, then quickly puts it back on to do a DDT. I'm not sure why that's worse than a normal table bump. Right after, Show chokeslams him through another table to win. Title retained.
TO THE SHOWERS. The newest WWE Divas, Layla, is hazed in the locker room. And by hazes, I mean everyone is super cunty to her, then they drag her into the shower and spray her down. Weird. Pretty sure that's sexual assault.
Hulk Hogan vs Randy Orton
Hulk Hogan's final WWE match. He comes in with two heavy duty knee braces that even Steve Austin would be impressed with. Crowd is very hot for this. Much like the HBK match from 2005, Hulk is barely mobile, and spends most of the match near the ropes and making his much younger opponent look like a fool. Hogan takes all of one actual bump the whole match. He does go to the mat a few times, but always while holding the ropes or just taking the most gingerly falls possible. At least Hogan beat the RKO by barely getting his foot on the rope instead of immediately kicking out and Hulking Up. That's about the only thing he did to make Orton look good. Of course, right after, he does indeed Hulk Up and win with the big boot and leg drop in a pretty short match that did absolutely nothing for either guy. Hulk beating a guy half his age while being barely mobile and unable to take bumps.
TO THE BACK. Melina tries to get Mick Foley hyped up for his match with Ric Flair. Melina gets him hyped by saying Foley losing would look bad for her, as a manager of champions. It seemed to work.
Mick Foley vs Ric Flair I Quit Match
A feud that, genuinely, began from Mick Foley saying Terry Funk was better than Ric Flair in his first book, and that Flair wasn't the best booker. That book came out in 1999, you might remember. And of course, Flair couldn't let it go, repeatedly brought it up on WCW television, then took more shots at Mick in his own book in 2002. The same Ric Flair that called Foley a glorified stunt man recently worked an ECW match where he took a thumbtacks bump without a hint of irony. AFTER the match. Foley starts out hot with a trash can and Mr. Socko. He wraps it in barbed wire only to get hit with the TESTICULAR CLAW. Ric Flair is pushing 60, out here grabbing balls in his underwear. Omg, Ric Flair is doing chops with barbed wire. Loooooool. A barbed wire table comes out, so of course Flair starts gushing blood. A reminder: Flair stated he had no respect for Foley for being a stunt man. Now he's taking barbed wire and thumb tack bumps deep into his 50s. Speaking of thumb tacks, those come out, too. And Flair bumps on them again. Lmao at there being an ECW Championship match on this same card that just had chairs and tables, meanwhile this has barbed wire, blood, and thumb tacks. And now a barbed wire bat, so Flair gets to blade MORE, even after his whole head is covered in blood. Flair gets a hold of the bad and slices the SHIT out of Mick's arm. Noooo Mick is doing the Nestea Plunge in 2006. There was a trash can to break his fall, but the only part of him that hit it was his head. The trainer comes out and stops the match. "This isn't a lay down on your ass match, it's an I Quit match. Get your ass back in here, Foley!" Flair drags Mick back into the ring and slices him with the barbed wire until Melina throws in the towel. "She does not quit for him!" So Ric continues the carnage. Mick then does quit right before Ric was about to bludgeon Melina with the bat. That was some god damn violence, and the beat down to Mick was so brutal that fans are now booing Flair on his way out. Mick is now covered in blood, both arms and head sliced up.
TO THE BACK. Vince and Shane get hyped up with Armando Alejandro Estrada.
King Booker vs Batista World Heavyweight Championship
Be WHC and have your match 90 minutes into the show. Now, these guys had some LEGIT HEAT, getting into a backstage fight at a photo shoot. So you'd expect a really heated and stiff match, but instead it's a slow mess and they have zero chemistry at all. Booker busts his scepter on Batista's head, shades of the Macho King! This ends in about 10 minutes when Sharmell jumped Batista when he was about to hit the powerbomb. he hits it after the match anyway, but still, a 10 minute title match that ends in a DQ in the middle of the show. What a reign. All hail!
TO THE BACK. DX speaking with someone in the locker room, but we don't get to see who it is.
D-Generation X vs Shane McMahon/Vince McMahon
Are you ready? No no, I said...fuck. DX was juvenile bullshit in 1997, a decade later they're full on dad jokes version of what they were 9 years earlier and it is so bad. Nonstop COCK jokes. The bird. Vince loves cock. Get it? These fuckin' momos. The McMahons send out the Spirit Squad, who are immediately disposed of. Then they bring out Regal, Finlay, and Mr. Anderson. They're also quickly disposed of. Then they bring out Big Show. Show beats on HBK while HHH is busy with Regal/Finlay/Anderson (why the fuck is ANDERSON part of this group?). HHH gets chokeslammed through an announce table, and the McMahons finally hit the ring to double team HBK. My favorite thing about Vince/Shane tags is that they run through various 80s tag team finishers. If only they did the Power Plex. Decaptiation Elbows and Hart Attacks. It's great. Lmao, Doomsday Device. HHH eventually gets back to the ring and HBK makes the hot tag. As HHH was about to hit Vince with the pedigree, UMAGA comes out and hits the Samoan Spike. He was about to hit HBK with it, but KANE came out to fight with him. HHH kicks out, so Vince decks Mike Chioda. Shane tries to hit HHH with coast to coast but gets superkicked. Vince is then hit with the superkick/pedigree combo to end this fuckery.
John Cena vs Edge WWE Championship
As always, fuck Edge, but salute to Lita's boobies. Edge without Lita would have never made it to the main event for sure. He owes so much to her breasts. Since this isn't a gimmick match, gross. Fuck Edge. the only thing that makes this at all remarkable is the super hot crowd. Otherwise it's a random Raw match from the era. There's a really stupid spot where Lita throws a chair to Edge, who has dominated the match, and Edge is like NO NO NO, as well as King and JR talking about how stupid it was, as a way for Cena to get on the offense. Even though Edge is champion and getting disqualified means he would have left with the title. Lita interferes a bunch, eventually getting hit with an FU while on top of Edge. Then Edge hits Cena in the back of the head with brass knux. "JESUS CHRIST!" Edge wins. Title retained.
Certainly a one match show. DX/McMahon was okay for fuckery, everything outside of Flair/Foley was messy, dull, and short.