WWE Summerslam 2013
The show begins with our host, The Miz, running down the show. I immediately want to die when I hear him say "verse" instead of "versus". Twice. Yet he said "versus" once in between there. He's interrupted by Summer Rae and Fandango. They dance and that's that.
The intro is all about the careers of CM Punk and Daniel Bryan. JoJo sings the national anthem.
Kane vs Bray Wyatt Ring of Fire
This is an inferno match, but was renamed to Ring of Fire because you don't lose by getting set on fire. Which is the only reason anyone would ever want to watch an inferno match. This is also Bray's debut match on the main roster. And let me tell you, this is a terrible debut for him. This match fucking sucks. You have your shitty mood lighting, a boring normal match, and whoever is handling the flames has terrible timing. Then you have shit like Harper trying to throw a kendo stick into the ring, but it getting caught on fire, only for it to immediately go out and him throw it down when it wasn't even on fire, then a fireman extinguish the already extinguished flame. And not only that, Harper had to hold it in place for the flames to shoot up 3 times before it even caught fire for the half a second it was lit. And he also held it upside, in the most awkward angle possible to make sure it would get ignite. This is a terrible start to the show, and a terrible start to Bray's main roster career. Amazing he recovered from this shit. Kane hits 3 chokeslams, and Harper/Roman make it into the ring despite the ring of fire to keep them out. Bray wins with Sister Abigail. Post match sees Kane get his head "squashed" in with the part of the stairs that has a giant fucking gap that means the steps were nowhere even close to his head.
TO THE PANEL. Josh Matthews, Booker T, HBK, and Vicki Guerrero do not look enthused about the dogshit they just saw. They try to say anything positive about the match. The best they could come up with was Vickie saying, "Whatever".
EARLIER TONIGHT. Paul Heyman cut a promo about David and Goliath and the revisionists that tried to hide the fact that Goliath beat the shit out of David after the sling thing. Brock/Punk is now a no DQ match.
Damian Sandow vs Cody Rhodes
Sandow cut a promo on the entire Rhodes family before the match. No one gave a single shit about him. Cody Rhodes recently got rid of his mustache, but you can only find out why on the JBL & Cole show on WWE's YouTube page. No one seems to give a shit about Cody, either. Internet been saying Sandow was so misused and over for years...no one gave a shit about him in 2013, that's for sure. This is supposed to be a super heated feud, yet it is a slow paced, borderline methodical match. Cody hits a muscle buster, then appears to try to suck his own dick from the impact. From his own move. Interesting choice. Cody wins with the Cross Rhodes in a pretty bland match. Fans gave more of a shit about Cody after the match than in his entrance, at least. Damian still has the MITB briefcase, so he's not too upset to have lost.
Alberto Del Rio vs Christian World Heavyweight Championship
ADR looks like he got the absolute shit beaten out of him a day or two before the match. His face is fucked. He also looks like he gave Christian a concussion about 3 minutes into the match with an extremely stiff back elbow. After kicking the shit out of him a few times, ADR throws Christian arm first into the barricade, and spends the next big chunk of the match tearing the arm apart to set up for the arm bar. Some really mean shit from him, and Christian sells it wonderfully. Christian eventually hits the spear, but can't cover due to his shoulder being in too much pain. ADR locks on the cross arm breaker for the win. This is probably ADR's best WWE match. At least top 2-3. Just a very good wrestling match that would have fit in very nicely on a 1992 Clash of the Champions with Bobby Eaton challenging for a title. Renee Young caught up with ADR after the match. He's the one representing all the Latinos out there. The Mexicans need a hero.
EARLIER TODAY. Maria Menounos and Natalya were successful on at Summerslam Axxess.
TO THE MIZ. Miz speaks with Maria. Her match started over a Twitter beef. Fandango and Summer interrupt Miz again, so Miz and Maria dance off.
Natalya vs Brie Bella
Why do the women have to do double duty? These two start slapping the shit out of each other like they're in New Japan. Eva Marie and Nikki pull the apron while Nattie is standing on it, getting her trapped and falling. Fans start chanting for JBL, Cole, and King. I don't know why, this is a pretty solid match. Brie is a great heel in this. Nattie hits a stunner as a regular move. Disgusting. What a betrayal to her family. Nattie catches Brie in an Alabama slam and wins with the sharpshooter. Don't let the crowd sway you with their chants for announcers, tables, and Zack Ryder. This was a very, very solid match.
EARLIER TODAY. Ryback dumped gazpacho on a caterer. "The Big Guy doesn't like cold soup." Bully Ryback was great. Shame it didn't last that long.
Brock Lesnar vs CM Punk No DQ
This had a pretty dope hype video, chronicling the Punk/Heyman relationship, and Brock looking like Godzilla destroying Chicago. Punk with his Wolverine mutton chops has a 90s Wolverine color scheme to match. #bigfightfeel. Lmao, Cole says Punk is always joking around having fun in the back. The most miserable man in wrestling since Taz in his prime. He's just joking around in the back. Brock starts the match by mauling Punk. Just treating Punk like a little kid. Crowd is hot as fuck. Brock is damn near twice as wide as Punk. Punk scores some big shots that knock Brock out of the ring. Then Punk has trouble picking up the steps and Brock straight up runs INTO THE STEPS to knock Punk down. Lol. Shoulder blocked the steps. Brock returns to rag dolling Punk. Just beating the every loving shit out of Punk. It's pretty awesome. Obviously, all of Punk's offense comes from strikes, and even though most of his strikes look pretty terrible, it works. He gets Brock rocked with a flying knee from the top and a pair of head kicks. Things get pretty dicey when they go into a MMA sequence, which is hilarious considering Punk's chosen profession after pro wrestling. No idea why it took him 15 minutes to realize he could use a god damn chair in this match. And use it he does. He hits the GTS, but Paul breaks the pin. After more interference from Paul, Brock wins with a F5 on a chair. It's strange to see the difference in how Brock was presented a year later in comparison. Here, while mostly dominant, he still got wrecked many times and would have lost more than once without Heyman's interference. At the 2014 SS, he was an absolute monster who decimated John Cena, mostly with one move over and over and over. Here, he actually did moves. He probably did more big time strikes and slams than suplexes of any kind. I don't think he hit a single German suplex. Punk was booked about as strong as you could possibly book him without having him win the match. I peg this as Punk's best WWE match, ahead of anything with Cena. Possibly the best of Brock's matches since his return to WWE as well. Neck and neck with the first Cena match in 2012.
Dolph Ziggler/Kaitlyn vs AJ Lee/Big E. Langston
Good luck following that. I can't believe there was a time when people thought AJ was a great wrestler. She's terrible. Kaitlyn is also pretty bad. And Ziggler is in the match, so Big E is on an island here. 97 pound AJ is able to continually control Katlyn with speed, submissions, and...power. The fuck? This is bad. Ziggler pins Big E.
TO THE MIZ. Fandango and Summer return to interrupt Miz. Miz finally punches him this time.
TO THE PANEL. The panel seems to be rooting for Bryan. HBK personally thanks Brock/Punk for their match.
Daniel Bryan vs John Cena WWE Championship Special Guest Referee HHH
Bryan is probably at his hottest momentum wise coming into this. He had bigger reactions after this, but dude was on another level in the run up to this match. #bigfightfeel. Fans are 100% on Bryan's side. Bryan also has about 15 more pounds of muscle here than he did come WM30. This is built on wrestler vs entertainer, so Cena tries to surprise Bryan with wrestling early on. It's also strength vs speed/technique match. Coming into this, Cena has a busted up elbow, but he insists it is fine despite the giant elbow pad on it. Cena really leans into being the much stronger man, but Bryan leans in just as hard into kicking the shit out of Cena's bad arm. Cena lariats the fuck out of Bryan. Then shit breaks down into a full on NJPW strike fest, which Bryan ends up winning. Bryan hits a crazy running knee and...DANIEL BRYAN IS THE WWE CHAMPION! As the pryo and confetti goes off, Randy Orton's music hits. He's about to cash in his MITB briefcase! HHH just pedigreed Daniel Bryan! MY GOD!
Randy Orton vs Daniel Bryan WWE Championship
Randy Orton has cashed in. New champion!
From a quality standpoint, it is hard to not put this in the top two or three Summerslams of all time. Two legit great matches (Punk/Brock and Cena/Bryan) and one very very good match (ADR/Christian). The only true dud on the show was Bray/Kane, which was a stupid gimmick match and kept short. The mixed tag was whatever, but also kept fairly short and was meant as a cool down match anyway. This was the last show we really saw Brock as Brock instead of the Beast. Punk's last big time match. Bryan riding a wave of hotness not seen in over a decade to have to beat John Cena clean in the center of the ring. The Orton cash in was great, because the chase is always going to be where the money is with a guy like Bryan. It's a shame the angle went to shit almost immediately after.