WWF Summerslam 1997
I've seen this show a lot of times. Probably too many to ever enjoy it again.
HHH vs Mankind Steel Cage Match
HHH starts the match by immediately running for the door. Mankind beats the shit out of HHH, as you'd expect in this type of match. Mankind could have easily walked out, but decided against it. Naturally, Chyna gets involved despite the cage. Superduperplex from HHH. HHH also could have won but decided to inflict more punishment on Mick. Mankind's head bounces off the cage too many times. This dude can't walk and has memory problems in 2015. No fucking wonder. Dude never even tried to protect himself. This is the kind of life that leads you to cheating at a chicken wing eating contest. This is a pretty standard cage match besides Foley's bumps. Including Chyna scrambling his brains with the door. Christ. She throws a chair into the ring. HHH tried a pedigree on it, but Mankind reversed it into a slingshot that sent Chyna flying and then hit a DDT on the chair. Mankind climbs out, but then decides he isn't done. He throws his mask off, climbs to the top of the cage, and drops an elbow. Mankind climbs back out as Chyna tries to drag HHH through the door. Mankind wins! Mankind lies on the floor until Dude Love's music starts. His toe starts tapping. Someone probably should have asked themselves why a hippie character would have a Bee Gees knock off for an entrance theme.
TO THE TODD. Pettingzoo brings out the Headbangers, Gorilla Monsoon, and NJ governor Christie Todd Whitman. She gets a very negative reaction. This is just a big jerk off fest because she cut the entertainment tax, which allowed WWF to run a PPV in New Jersey for the first time in 8 years.
EARLIER TODAY. Some of the weekend festivities were shown, including a party on a fake beach.
Brian Pillman vs Goldust
If Pillman loses, he must wear a dress until he wins a match. This is based on Pillman dating Marlena before she was with Goldust, which is true. Pillman's music is TERRIBLE. Christ. Fairly short and uneventful. Pillman just couldn't go due to the ankle injuries. He tried, but it just didn't work. King implied that Dakota Runnels was mentally handicapped. Goldy almost broke his neck doing a sunset flip. Marlena hit Pillman with her loaded purse. Goldust wins. Pillman must wear a dress tomorrow on Raw.
TO THE BACK. LOD cut a very short promo on the Godwinns. Not even a WWWWWWEEEEELLLLL or weird thing from Hawk.
Godwinns vs Legion of Doom
Fuck. Another fairly short and uninteresting match based around trying to break necks. LOD wins with a spike piledriver on Henry.
TO THE TODD. Along with Sunny and Sable, some dipshit kid and Stone Cold with AIDS attempt to win $100,000,000. It's basically McMahon's Millions, complete with not being able to get a hold of people on the list. One didn't answer. One was disconnected. This is brutal. The third try works, but the dude isn't even watching Summerslam. LOL Holy shit. This is amazing. This guy's cable company didn't carry the show. I don't remember this at all. This must not have made it to the tape version in the 90s. I can see why. Fuck. This is TERRIBLE. You'd think with as many times as they did shit like this before McMahon's Millions that they would have known it is ALWAYS terrible. The kid didn't have the right key, but he did get a face full of Sable tits. AIDS Austin didn't pick the right key. The two callers didn't have the key. Key number 3 was the correct key. This was BRUTAL. Christ. Just horrible.
Ken Shamrock vs British Bulldog WWF European Championship
If Bulldog loses, he'll eat dog food. Shamrock starts with a belly to belly. Shamrock must have been made up of 80% HGH. Fucking ridiculous. SO huge. Ken starts spitting up blood. He also gets kicked in the balls. The bollocks, if you will. Bulldog attempts a suplex on the floor, but Shamrock just falls forward. Bulldog slaps some dog food on Ken's face. He snaps and hits Bulldog with the can, which gets him disqualified. Title retained. Shamrock then literally attempts to murder Bulldog by putting him in a rear naked choke and refusing to release it well after the point that Bulldog was out. Patterson, Brisco, and a few refs got belly to bellied. GET OUTTA MY WAY! This causes SHAMROCK SHAMROCK chants to break out. Who would have thought that fans would cheer for a face who is a bad ass and knocks the shit out of people?
TO THE TODD. There is nothing between HBK and Bret. HBK is there to be a fair and balanced official tonight.
Los Boricuas vs Disciples of Apocalypse
Double fuck. I'm not watching this. Boricuas win. The NOD got involved and a big brawl broke out. Crush tried to run people over on his bike, which makes no sense to me. The freshly returned Ahmed Johnson appears to re-injure his knee.
TO THE COLE. Scrawny ass baby Cole tried to get some words with Austin. "You're fixin' to kiss my if you don't get your little ass outta my face."
Owen Hart vs Steve Austin WWF Intercontinental Championship
If Austin loses, he'll kiss Owen's ass. Austin got the Goldberg entrance. Followed him from the locker room right up to Gorilla position and through the curtain. Owen attacks Austin's injured knee while Austin was doing his entrance. LOU THESZ LOU THESZ RIGHT HAND RIGHT HAND. Austin goes to work on Owen's shoulder and bicep. Owen responds by trying to break Austin's hands. How weird. Austin doing a powerbomb. Owen decides he's had enough and tries to leave. The stipulation actually is Austin will kiss Owen's ass if he doesn't win the title. That means Owen can get counted out or disqualified and Austin would have to kiss that Canadian ham. Dope belly to belly from Owen once they got back to the ring. Even before the tombstone, Austin was selling the neck. And then he lays Owen out with a lariatooo. Owen very very nearly wins with a German suplex. "The real story here might be Austin's neck." This is before the tombstone. Then a DDT. Imagine how different Austin's career might have turned out if they had decided to work the knee instead of neck for this match. He might have been the top guy until 2008. Then the tombstone happens and obviously something went wrong. Owen pulls up, Austin isn't moving, everything stops. Owen stalls and Austin ends up winning to the weakest roll up of all time. New champion! I wonder who decided the neck should be the focus of this match. Had it been arm or leg, it's very possible that Austin would have been on top for MUCH longer and that Owen might still be alive, having been a top guy and working with Austin in 1998/1999 instead of going back to the Blue Blazer gimmick. After writhing and slipping around the ring, Austin is able to walk to the back with the help of officials.
Bret Hart vs Undertaker WWF Championship Special Guest Referee: Shawn Michaels
If Bret loses, he will never wrestle in the United States again. If HBK shows favoritism towards Taker, he also will never wrestle in the United States again. Bret gets the Canadian national anthem played before the match. I'd figure that a New Jersey crowd probably wouldn't have much issue with it. It was a mixed reaction. Bret attacks before the bell. Fucking Canadians. Taker did not appreciate the jump start. Taker uses the ring posts and his knees to fuck up Bret's back. Vince gets an update on Austin and you can hear him thinking, "Oh my god I'm going to lose so much money". Bret tries to chop Taker down. Bret Hart is now the Paul Bunyan of the WWF. This match is a lot slower paced that I would have hoped. Taker's style had opened up a LOT since their 1996 matches, but this is just as slow. Paul Bearer waddles to ringside. This pisses Taker off. A lot. It also opens him up for a chop block. Owen and Pillman hang out at ringside as well. Owen doesn't look into it at all. Probably because he just broke his co-worker's neck. Taker randomly decides to beat them up. They didn't do ANYTHING to deserve that. They hadn't even looked like they were going to try to interfere. HBK misses a pin for Taker making sure they were sent to the back. Taker didn't like it one bit. This match makes sense from a psychology stand point, but it isn't very interesting. Bret vs Sid from It's Time was similar, yet more enjoyable. Even though Taker is much better than Sid. And EVERY Bret/Nash match was better than this, even though Taker is much better than Nash. Some dudes just don't mesh as well as you'd think/hope. Bret does a ring post SHARPSHOOTER. But it looks like shit and doesn't make sense anyway. When Taker broke it, Bret fell into HBK on the floor. Bret gets a chair and cracks Taker's head. Taker kicks out. Shawn grabs the chair. He argues with Bret. Bret very clearly says FUCK YOU and spits in Shawn's face. Shawn swings the chair, but Bret ducks and it hit Taker. Bret Hart is the new champion! What a strange reaction the crowd is making. Trash being thrown in the ring at Bret Hart. Taker leaves to go find HBK.
Very uneven show. The opening cage match was enjoyable. Nothing great, but it was nice to see Mick get his Superfly moment even if it likely shaved a couple years off of his career. Everything between it and Austin/Owen is entirely skippable. Austin/Owen itself was a lot of fun up until the tombstone. It's amazing to think how that one move shaped an entire WWE generation. If the the match had focused on a limb, a lot might have been different. Bret/Taker was boring as shit to me. All of their matches were. They just didn't mesh, no matter how sound their matches were from a story point of view.