WWF Summerslam 1994

Randy Savage welcoming everyone to the brand new United Center, a place where WCW would run Nitro 93 times in the same year.  The British Bulldog is sitting in the front row.  Vince McMahon and Jerry Lawler will be handling the announcing duties tonight.  King informs us that HBK and Diesel defeated the Headshrinkers the last night in Indianapolis to win the WWF Tag Team Championships, making Diesel a dual champion.

IRS/Bam Bam Big Yellow vs The Headshrinkers

Face Headshrinkers are weird.  It got really weird for that brief time when Barbarian replaced Samu and they wore boots.  There should be an indie that runs the Headshrinking Powers of Fear or something.  Warlord, Samu, Meng, Fatu, Barbarian, just hitting stupid cunts like the Young Bucks really hard.  Fatu and Bam Bam start the match.  Vince says it is Samu.  It is Fatu.  Superkick from Fatu.  He tries to slam Bam Bam and falls back.  Bam Bam misses a diving headbutt and is hit with a lariatooo.  Double superkick.  IRS gets tagged in and the fans finally react to something.  I always found it weird how Bam Bam was just mid card fodder while he was at his athletic peak, but I guess you can thank the Kliq for that.  Samu misses a cross body, but IRS is sent to the floor and rammed into the steps.  Double chops.  An awkward low bridge sends Fatu to the floor.  Fatu and Bam Bam have a big collision.  Double Skull Crushing Finale to IRS, which had absolutely zero impact.  Superfly splash from Fatu.  Ted distracted the ref and Bam Bam broke the pin.  He also hit Captain Lou.  This pissed Afa off, who jumped in the ring and beat up Bam Bam.  Triple headbutt to Bam Bam.  The first match ends in a DQ, just like all great PPVs should.  The teams brawled to the back as Ted hightailed it out of there.  Vince couldn't understand how the Headshrinkers were disqualified. Breh. Their manager hit the ring and attacked Bam Bam. 


TO THE BACK.  Leslie Nielson is hot on the trail of The Undertaker.  He thought he found the Dead Man, but instead, it was George Kennedy.  They're both on the case!  Literally. 


Bull Nakano vs Alundra Blaze WWF Women's Championship

Luna Vachon brought Bull into to get the title off of Madusa.  I always thought Bull was hot.  I like big thighs. Leg drop me, bb.  Madusa hits a dropkick, but misses the second one.  Hair throws.  Has to be in every American female match ever.  Rana from Madusa.  Spin kick.  Bull stops that shit with a double handed choke slam.  One armed Boston crab.  Not a single leg crab, but she's holding both legs with one arm.  She then does a Sharpshooter/surfboard combo like the bad ass bitch that she is.  Luna gets a cheap shot in.  Madusa does a school girl, but Bull turns it into a cross arm breaker, which gets zero reaction as the concept of holds like that hadn't even been introducted to the US in 1994.  Madusa stupidly attempts a piledriver or powerbomb.  She almost wins with a backslide, but then almost loses to a powerbomb.  Bull misses the guillotine leg drop and Madusa wins with a German suplex.  Title retained. 


TO THE TODD.  Todd Pettingill catches up with HBK and Diesel.

Diesel vs Razor Ramon WWF Intercontinental Championship

Why would you not want to book HBK in a match?  Anyway, Walter Payton was in the corner of Razor.  Diesel's mullet has grown out nicely.  Toothpick!  Razor hits a series of punches, which send Diesel down and then to the floor.  HBK hypes him back up.  Nash goes for that kidney based offense.  Then a short arm lariatooo.  Razor comes back with a few of his own, but it doesn't take long for Diesel to get back in control.   Razor gets out of a sleeper with a back suplex.  Too bad he gets dumped to the floor seconds later.  HBK removes a turnbuckle pad.  HBK and Sweetness get into it.  Earl slides out to break them up, which allows for HBK to hit a jumping lariat that was kind of more of a punch to the face off the steps on Razor.  Razor barely makes it back in the ring before the 10 count.  Earl stands in the way of the exposed turn buckle, but HBK jumped up on the apron, which allowed Diesel to whip Razor into the buckle anyway.  Snake eyes.  Earl Hebner is the worst and most easily distracted ref I've ever seen.  Razor's come back was cut off with a big boot.  Abdominal stretch spot. Razor gets one of his own on, only to get hip tossed.  Diesel goes gut first into the turnbuckle.  1 2 HEGOTIMNOHEDIDN'T!  Super bulldog.  1 2 YESNOHEKICKEDOUT!  Razor gets out of the jackknife and calls for the Razor's Edge.  More HBK distraction allows a flying shoulder block from Diesel.  HBK and Walter have a tug of war with the IC Championship.  HBK hits the ring and accidentally superkicks Diesel!  Razor makes the pin.  New champion!  This match always bored the shit out of me, even as a kid. I don't know why, because it was fine, with a pretty good pace and good timing for comebacks and cut offs. It just bores me. The bigger story is the start of Diesel's face turn.


TO THE MAN.  Randy Savage is in the crowd, congratulating Razor. It's obvious Vince had no idea what to do with Savage in 1993/1994.  I think Savage should have turned heel and feuded with Bret. Or did anything besides be a random hype man at PPVs.

TO THE BACK.  Todd Pettingill (that smug fuckhead) talks with Lex Luger and Tatanka.  The results for the poll are in: 54% of fans think Lex sold out to the Million Dollar Man.  "Sold out" is said at least 300 times.  We then get Tatanka's months of video proof, all the way up to today, with Ted entering Lex's locker room with a duffel bag.

Tatanka vs Lex Luger

Mullets everywhere.  Again.  After some trash talk, they lock up.  Lex's power wins the exchange.  Lex does a terrible small package and Tatanka decides to try to chop a nipple off for it.  This sucks.  The whole show has been pretty boring.  The New Generation was a dark time for Vince.  Ted came out.  He kind of distracted Lex, allowing Tatanka to roll him up for the win.  Lex kicks the back of money away.  Tatanka attacks Lex.  SWERVE!  "It's his heritage.  Don't you remember?  They sold Manhattan for $24!  HAHAHAHAHAHAH!"  Poor Lex.  He went from main eventing and being the (attempted) face of the company to being used as a backdrop for midcarder for life Tatanka's heel turn that would go absolutely no where, all within a year.


TO THE BACK.  Gorilla is on the hotline, waiting for Tatanka.

Jeff Jarrett vs Mabel

The original Rap is Crap angle.  This was even worse since at least the WCW version had a ridiculous music video to accompany the angle.  Abe "Knuckleball" Schwartz walks around in the crowd with an "I'm on strike" sign.  I'd rather watch him walk around the arena than continue watching this shitty match.  Oscar slapped Jeff and the ref didn't care at all.  Jeff won after Mabel missed an ass splash. 


The lights dim and Vince lets us know that the super sleuths are somewhere in the arena, hot on the case of The Undertaker.  They just happened to be a few feet away from the entrance ramp.  A silhouette of Taker is behind them, but it's gone when they turn around.

We get a recap of the Bret/Owen feud, going back to Survivor Series 1993.

Vince and King talk to Stu and Helen Hart.  King heels on them and then talks with the Bulldog.  Jim Neidhart was behind the rest of the family.

TO THE BACK. Todd talks with Bret, who is just recovering from strep throat.  Bret doesn't hate Owen, nor has he ever.  Anvil, on the other hand, fuck that fat fuck.

Bret Hart vs Owen Hart WWF Championship

Steel Cage Match

After a LOT of build up, the match finally starts, with Owen attacking Bret as he entered the cage.  Bret comes back with the taint buster.  Owen just beats Bret down.  DDT from Bret.  He's the first to attempt to escape.  Owen brings him back down and nails an enzuiguri.  Owen tries to go out, only to be caught in a back suplex.  Bulldog from Bret.  They fight over the door, with Owen biting Bret's finger to get him to let go. This actually feels like brothers fighting. Bret is slammed from the top.  Owen nearly gets out, but is pulled back by his hair.  They fight at the top of the cage, with Bret getting knocked off and Owen hitting a missile dropkick.  He gets up and JUMPS up the cage.  Bret catches up with him and they both do all the cheap things you would do to your brother in a fight before both fell back to the ring.  Bret once again goes up.  Owen grabs his leg and pulls his leg from out of his leg, sending Bret knee/balls first into the top rope.  Bret recovers and after more jockeying over the door, he misses an elbow from the second rope.  That mid 90s ring was brutal. Owen is the first to actually go into the cage, about half way through the match.  He pulls Bret back in and does a back superplex.  Piledriver from Owen!  You guys know I'm a sucker for a good piledriver.  They again fight on the top rope, but this time it is Owen whose balls feel the POWAH of rope.  Bret desperately fights to get out of the door and ends up rolling back on Owen, hammering him in the face.  Now Owen's almost out!  Slingshot into the cage.  Bret could have won, but he went to the wrong side of the cage.  Owen Supermans to stop Bret.  Owen again goes face first into the cage, this time right into the support beam.  Bret's knee is giving him a lot of trouble.  Spinning heel kick right in the fucking face. They again brawl at the top of the cage, with Owen taking a big bump, but recovering and unloading some European uppercuts.  They collide head first in the middle of the ring.  Superplex!  With Owen outside of the cage to start it!  Owen locks in the Sharpshooter!  Bret breaks it and locks on one of his own.  They both get on the other side of the cage, but Owen's leg gets trapped.  Bret wins!  Title retained.  Jim Neidhart ambushes Bulldog, which also knocks Diana Hart Smith over the railing.  He and Owen drag Bret back in the ring, pad lock the cage, and continue the beat down.  The fight off all the Hart family members trying to climb the cage.  Bulldog finally makes it in and Owen and Anvil bail. 

Great match. It wasn't a wrestling match, but two brothers fighting and throwing every dirty trick that the could think of if need be. Also did a great job of showing them to be equals, with Bret's win basically coming down to a lucky break that could have gone the other way for Owen just as easily. You'd think this owuld cement Owen as a main event heel for a year or two, but this was pretty much the end of his main event run, as he'd end up back in the upper mid card for the rest of his career.


TO THE BACK.  Pettingill chases down Owen and Anvil.  Owen is sick of that family.

Recap of The Undertaker's last 8 months or so, going from his death at the Royal Rumble, to Ted Dibiase claiming he now had control of The Undertaker.  This includes various eye witnesses claiming to have seen Taker around.

The Undertaker vs The Undertaker

Get this shit out of here.  You know how Undertaker matches before 1996 were basically just chokes for 12 minutes?  Imagine TWO Undertakers, choking each other for 12 minutes.  Fake Taker came out, taking about 7 minutes to get to the ring.  Then Paul came out with druids and a casket.  He got in the ring, opened up the urn, which had a giant light in it.  THEN the real Undertaker came out, which meant his entrance theme was played 3 times in a row.  Fake Taker was way too tan.  This match is so boring.  Especially after the cage match. The 15 minute entrances killed the crowd.  They're so silent that Vince points it out and tries to cover it as they are stunned and in awe of what they are seeing.  Stunned at how fucking boring it is?  The real Undertaker won with 3 tombstones.  This might have been more boring than Lex vs Yoko. 


Vince throws it to Macho, who throws it to Leslie Nielsen and George Kennedy, who have found Undertaker's coffin.  It was empty of course.  George sees a brief case.  It's closed.  THE CASE IS CLOSED!

DQ Count: 1 out of 7 matches.
 Besides Bret vs Owen, the show sucked.  But not in the same way that WCW shows suck.  It's not like the matches are full of botches and terrible booking.  They're just SO BORING.  The cage match was so great because it was really worked like two brothers fighting, doing all the cheap shots and dick moves that brothers do while fighting. Diesel/Razor is probably good under the right circumstances, but has never been able to hold my attention. Everything else can get fucked.