WWF Summerlam 1993
EARLIER TONIGHT. The Lex Express (brought to you by ICOPRO) finally reached its destination: The Palace of Auburn Hills.
I miss the Summerlam music. And Vince growling Summerslam.
Ted DiBiase vs Razor Ramon
This is one of Ted's last wrestling appearances. I believe this was last match in the WWF. He took time off, had one last tour in Japan, and retired from in ring action. Razor is in his hot pink attire and had just recently turned face as a result of the 123 Kid angle. Ted ambushes Razor, but Razor comes right back with the fall away slam and punch in the mouth. Brain believes Razor should have just taken the domestic job Ted offered him. Ted looks to be in pretty rough shape. He's obviously in pain and is quite doughy, even compared to his heyday where he was never in the best aesthetic shape. Ted does a cheap shot to get back on offense and begins choking Razor on the ropes. A back breaker nearly gets the win for Ted. Ted works a sleeper that sure looked like a choke. Razor makes a brief comeback only to be cut off by a knee to the gut. Neck breaker. Suplex. Ted removed the turnbuckle padding, but he was the one to get rammed into it. Razor's Edge for the win.
Call the Summerslam hotline to hear all the official results after Summerslam is over! If you're watching the show on PPV, why would you need to call to hear results? We get to sit in on a conference call between a guy from Kentucky, Ray Rougeau, Undertaker, and Bret.
Todd Pettingill talks to Mama Steiner and Sister Steiner. Papa Steiner was under the weather and couldn't make it. Mama is not interested in what Todd has to say.
The Heavenly Bodies vs The Steiner Brothers WWF Tag Team Championships
Jimmy Del Ray is probably the single most skeeziest wrestler in WWF history. The bodies attack the champs as they were getting their jackets off. Rick is double backdropped and double Flapjack Nortoned. Scott gets back in the ring and does a monkey flip. Overhead belly to belly to Dr. Tom. Tiltawhirl slam to Jimmy. Press slam to Dr. Tom. Scott is throwing these mooks around. Dr. Tom tries to hip toss Rick. It didn't work. Heel conference on the floor. The Bodies finally get back into the match with a trip/bulldog combo. Enziguri from Tom. Camera missed Jimmy doing a canon ball off the apron, which Brain called a moonsault. Float over DDT from Jimmy, the same one Rock and Smackdown games would be known for. More double team offense and Scott is in bad shape. Superkick. Corny got a racquet shot in. Del Ray tries the float over DDT again, but it is reversed into a belly to belly. Tiger bomb from Scott and he makes the hot tag to Rick. Super bulldog to JDR. Prichard breaks the pin. A racquet shot puts Rick down, but Scott hits the Frankensteiner to retain the titles in their home town (suburb).
TO THE BACK. Joe Ballard (?) gets a chat with HBK and Diesel. Look at these mullets. Diesel is just there to keep the chicks off the champ.
Shawn Michaels vs Mr. Perfect WWF Intercontinental Championship
Gorillia and JR were calling the show for the Armed Forces Network. I'd love to hear their play by play, as Heenan sounds way off his game and he and Vince were never as good together as they were with other people. The match starts with both guys trying to out chain wrassle each other, with HBK showing up the vet. Lol at HBK's gut and high waist pants. They do a criss cross into a clothesline spot where neither guy knew who took the move, so they both sold it. They do a series of reversals ending with Perfect baiting HBK into missing an elbow drop. Perfect lays some stiff chops in the corner. More reversals ending with HBK doing the Marty bump for a lariatoo. Perfect counters a top rope cross body with an arm drag. A slingshot sends HBK to the floor. When Perfect goes to the floor, Diesel distracts him and HBK superkicks his face off. You can tell the difference in sound from a leg slap and a boot hitting someone in the face, and that definitely connected hard on the side of Perfect's head. Almost looked like it could have been in the ear. Shawn then starts to work over the well known weak back of Mr. Perfect. A very audible "Oh god damn it" from Perfect rings out. Perfect fights out of a submission and hits a big dropkick. Taint breaker (formerly known as the atomic drop). Hip toss is countered into a backslide spot. HBK flips out of it but right into the Perfect Plex. Diesel pulls Perfect out of the ring. They fight on the floor for a bit until HBK jumps out, only to get punched in the stomach. As he rolled back in the ring, he steamrolled Earl. Diesel sent Perfect into the steps and HBK wins via count out. Perfect attempted to start a fight after the match, but was KO'd by Diesel. Count out on PPV? In a title match? Get that shit out of here. Pettingill confronts HBK after the match. This was one of those matches where it sounds awesome in theory, but the guys are too similar in practice and it turns out out decent, but not what you hoped.
TO THE BACK. Joe is with the 123 Kid. This is Kid's first PPV and he's so nervous. Everyone in the Kliq had a killer mullet.
123 Kid vs IRS
IRS got a jobber entrance on a PPV. Detroit used to be known as Motor City, but now it is known as Tax Cheat City. Kid nearly wins right at the start with a spin kick. I expect an abdominal stretch is in Kid's very near future. Huge Flapjack Norton from IRS. He tries again and is caught with a dropkick. Vince got really indignant about what Brain knows about bicuspids. Kid flips back in the ring and almost wins with a roll up. 3 minutes in and IRS is drenched in sweat. IRS kicks out of a moonsault and La Magistral. The Write Off gets the win for IRS. I can't believe there wasn't an abdominal stretch.
Todd catches up with Bruce and Owen Hart. Owen's mullet is aggressive. Stu couldn't be there due to an injury caused by Jerry Lawler.
Bret Hart vs Doink The Clown
Bret is by far the most over guy so far. Even more than the home suburb Steiners. This was to be Bret vs Jerry Lawler, but Lawler came out on crutches and couldn't wrestle. Despite this, he got dressed in his full ring gear to come out. Todd gets a word with King, who hates the whole Hart family. Lawler heels on Detroit car quality and claims a blue haired lady caused a wreck that injured him. Heel Doink's music is legit creepy. Bruce got a bucket of water thrown in his face. Fuck Bruce. I find it so weird that Hawk is the one to come up with the idea of Doink in the general sense. He saw Matt Borne sitting in the locker room, all frumpy and grumpy. He told Bruce Pritchard that Matt looked just like Krusty The Clown. And Doink was born. Bret dominates Doink for the opening minutes. We got a great shot of Doink's asshole. He gets some offense after sending Bret into the steps. The reason Stu and Helen stayed together is because no one wanted custody of the kids. Doink locks in an STF. Bret gets out, but Doink then applies the Stump Puller. Bret gets his knees up for the Whoopie Cushion, which is probably not the best way to finish that move. Bret slaps on the Sharpshooter, but King jumps in the ring and breaks a metal crutch right around Bret's face. "What a rip off this has been!" Jack Tunney came out and forced King to have his match with Bret. RIGHT NOW! And if he doesn't, King will be banned from the WWF 4LYFE!
Bret Hart vs Jerry LawlerBret attacks in aisle way and beats King back into the ring. Brain says King had a broken clavicle in the ankle area. Lol, Brain actually says "He wants to smash his mullet!" Maybe he said gullet, but I'm sticking with mullet. Bret uses the crutch and isn't disqualified for it. King uses a piece to jab Bret in the throat. Is Calgary like The South of Canada? It seems like the whole area is comprised of rednecks, cowboy boots, and bolo ties. Bret goes balls first into the ring post. Bret gets pissed and drops the straps before knocking the shit out of King. Bret hits a piledriver, being maybe the first WWF face to steal a finisher. King gives up to the Sharpshooter, but Bret won't release the hold, so the decision is reversed. So Bret won by DQ and then lost by DQ in the very next match. Is this WCW?
TO THE HOTLINE. IRS and HBK were on the line at the time.
EARLIER TODAY. Ludvig Borga went around Detroit, shitting all over the dilapidated sections of towns. If he thought Detroit was bad in 1993, he should see it in 2013. Oh wait, he's DEAD.
Marty Jannetty vs Ludvig Borga
Marty turns his back in the big Finn. Big mistake. Very European Uppercut! This was basically a full on squash except for a few superkicks Marty hit near the end of the match. Marty gave up to the torture rack.
Survivor Series promo.
The Undertaker vs Giant Gonzalez Rest In Peace Match
The rules for this match are no count outs or disqualifications. God damn, Giant was a big fuck. And as bad as he is, I think he's more mobile than Khali. After being dominated by Gonzalez, the bell tolls and Paul Bearer makes his way to the ring with a black wreath. He gives Harvey Whippleman a lariatoo and regains possession of the urn. Taker wins with a flying lariatooo in an obviously dog shit match. Giant attacked Harvey after the match for losing possession of the urn.
TO THE BACK. Joe catches up with Yoko, Fuji, and Cornette. Corny claims the Steiners got a biased hometown ref. He then rails on Lex for quite a while. Yoko sweats just standing around. I can't believe they tried to play him off as Japanese. He's OBVIOUSLY not Japanese. I can't believe I fell for it. I was a stupid mark.
The Smoking Gunns/Tatanka vs The Headshrinkers/Bam Bam Big YellowBam Bam and Tatanka start out. Even with the Headshrinkers at their peak, just trust me when I tell you this was boring. The heels did a triple headbutt and my immediate thought was that the finish should clearly be a triple diving headbutt. Right after I thought it, they all went up, but all missed. Cameras then missed BOTH Gunns doing pescados. Tatanka rolled up Samu for the win.
TO THE BACK. Joe Fowler talks with the driver of the Lex Express. The driver picks Lex to win.
Todd talks to some dude named Bruce in a red white and blue toga. That his mom made for him. The guy had to be in his mid to late 20s.
Yokozuna vs Lex Luger WWF Championship
Both the US and Japanese national anthems are sang before the match. Americans are cunts and of course boo the shit out of a respectful singing of the Japanese anthem. It wasn't done for heel heat. It wasn't like the Bolsheviks singing. It wasn't a strong performance, though. Randy Savage was the MC for the main event, accompanied by Arron Neville. They are padding the shit out of this. It's going to be like 15 minutes of fluff before the match even starts. Arron Neville sings the US national anthem. And by sing, I mean that whisper thing he does. That mole has to be cancer.
The match finally starts. So much time wasted trying to build anticipation. Fuji distracts Lex, but Lex is still quick enough to get the jump on Yoko. Lex tries an O'Connor Roll. Lol. What? On Yoko? Yoko misses a leg drop. Lex hits a giant elbow drop. He blocks Fuji throwing some salt, but he couldn't get Yoko up for the body slam. Wow, this match is boring as fuck. Lex does two double ax handles with Yoko not going down. A flying lariatoo does, and then one from behind takes him down as well. They do a double clothesline spot, but this sucks. Salt bucket to the head. Belly to belly. But Lex kicks out! He's squashed again trying a body slam. Then with a leg drop. But Lex kicks out! God damn, this is SO BORING. Lex dodges the Bonzai drop. Lex finally lands the hip lock. That son of a bitch uses his steel plate to knock Yoko out and out of the ring. And he hit Corny and Fuji. Lex wins via count out. Yoko of course retains the title. The IC and WWF Championship matches both ended in count outs on PPV. That's some WCW shit for sure. The Steiners, Savage, and Tatanka all hit the ring to celebrate Lex's win like he just won the title. I'm talking balloons and confetti and everything for a count out win.
DQ Count: 2 out of 10 matches. Plus 2 count outs (both in title matches).
WWF 1993 is fucking weird. This was the first post Hogan PPV. They were kind of in between still trying to run that style, with the really goofy elements of 91/92 still kind of there but somewhat being phased out, while kind of sort of pushing the younger/smaller/faster guys, but still running the main event as a muscled up all American vs foreign monster. Even they way its shot is weird. It's not shot quite like 80s stuff, but not really like 94-96, either. It's just a weird adolescent stage that is awkward and flat.
The show itself wasn't very good, but the tag title and IC matches were pretty decent. That main event has to be in the top 5 most boring main events of all time, though. Jesus. The match itself was 18 minutes. If you include the pre match anthems and talking, plus the post match celebration, it was about 35 minutes.