WWE Summerslam 2017

Neville vs Akira Tozawa WWE Cruiserweight Championship

Tozawa ended the KING's reign in a shocking match on Raw 6 days earlier. Neville invokes his rematch clause in an attempt to regain the throne. DragonGate represent. This is one of those matches that I can't understand why the fuck people complain about 205 Live and the cruiserweights. There's always tons of action and flippy shit on that show, but people act like it's just headlocks. It's like they forget that WCW's cruiserweight division was mostly random guys that the crowd didn't care about doing nothing for 3-4 minutes. Neville being a cunt, Tozawa being really fast and making noises. It's good. Akira goes for the senton, only for Neville to get his knees up last second. Neville then is forced to bring back the Red Arrow to reclaim his throne. New champion.

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New Day vs Usos WWE Smackdown Tag Team Championships

Big E and Xavier is the team for New Day. And you're like, "Why, Kofi is way better than X", and Xavier then starts the match like he just watched the entire G1 in 2 days. Within the first sequence, you know this shit is going to be a real one. X out here ripping off shirts and talking shit. So, there's X doing his FIP stuff, and then amazing PWG spot fest, but with flow and story shit. And it's fucking awesome. Young Bucks could never. Once they go off, they go OFF, and it's dope as hell. Awesome sequences, crazy bumps, rad double team moves. So many last moment break ups. This match is fucking awesome. Usos won after a Superkick Party followed by double splash to Big E. New  champions. All the stars. ******  

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John Cena vs Baron Corbin

It's been a bad week for Corbin. First, he got into a Twitter spat with Dave Meltzer and a fan who he did normal heeling on, but who happened to be a soldier who had a pic of himself with  Vince McMahon, so he quickly apologized. Then he tried to cash in his MITB and lost in record time (6 seconds). He's also changed his entrance theme (although it's pretty good, tbh), and now he's in a match with Cena when Cena looks like he's going to have a fun time making Corbin look like a fool. You haven't seen Cena so excited in a match in years. Full on feud with Johnny Ace level fuckery. He's talking mad shit, too. Once the tomfoolery dies does, they have a pretty decent match, with Corbin in control for most of it and Cena taking some big bumps. Corbin ties AJPW Boss Man spots for the third time only to get blasted with a lariat and pinned with ONE AA. Yikes. This would have been a very good SD main event. They have chemistry, so I'd like to see this feud continue in a manner where Cena isn't in "lol fuck this kid" mode. 

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Natalya vs Naomi WWE Smackdown Women's Championship

Nattie of course comes out to zero reaction. I don't think she's had a reaction from crowds in years at this point. Naomi is decked out in Ultimate Warrior tribute colors. Nattie attacks right after introductions, and Naomi returns with quick fire. These broads doing apron  bumps to the floor, y'all. After a slingshot into the ring post, Nattie controls most of the match, with brief flurries from Naomi. Nattie repeatedly locks on the sharpshooter until Naomi gives up. New champion. The Hart Family's excellence at Summerslam continues. Good match.

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Big Show vs Big Cass

Enzo Amore is above the ring in a shark cage. But before that he talks FOREVER. Show has his hand wrapped up, possibly broken after punching Cass's big head 2 weeks prior. Seconds in, Show tries to punch with the bad hand, screams, and for the rest of the match, does everything with his left arm. Cass goes after the bad hand, and a match everyone expected to be the worst thing ever has a solid story and very good selling from Show. Enzo's constant talking from the cage is so annoying that I hope Show knocks him out after the match. Enzo strips down to his boxers, then oils himself up so he can slip through the cage. The second he lands, Cass big boots him. Lol. Cass boots Show twice and wins with the Empire Elbow. Look, this was solid. Certainly much better than anyone expected. Perfectly fine big man match with a solid story and good selling. 

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TO THE BACK. GMs Kurt Angle and Daniel Bryan have a very awkward exchange bragging about which brand will steal the show.


Randy Orton vs Rusev

Rusev attacks Orton during his entrance. The ref then hems and haws about calling the match off, only for Orton to say he's okay and hit an immediate and brutal RKO OUTTA NOWHERE to win the match in about 5 seconds. RIP RuRu. 

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TO THE BACK. Sasha Banks gets some good luck and a hug from Bayley, who got vociferously booed by the same crowd that had people crying in the stands when she won the NXT Women's Championship 2 years prior.


Sasha Banks vs Alexa Bliss WWE Raw Women's Championship

The story for this is so fucking stupid. Trying to convince the smartest of fans that these two have had a SHOOT backstage feud for 3 years that not a single person had ever heard about until about 2 months before this show. A retconned worked shoot. Get that shit outta my face. This was supposed to be Bayley vs Alexa, but Bayley got hurt, so Sasha got to fill in. They start wangin' right away because THEY REALLY CAN'T STAND EACH OTHER. FOR REAL. BACKSTAGE. OFF CAMERA. IT'S REAL, TRUST ME. Anyway, they are pretty stiff with each other, both getting busted open mouths at some point in the match. Alexa is in control for most of it, with Sasha injuring her shoulder in the later part of the match, much like her BFF, Bayley. This leads to her having to grab on to her wrist band to hold the Bank Statement, something that wasn't noticed or acknowledged by any of the three commentators. New champion. Another pretty good match.

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Finn Balor vs Bray Wyatt

Lmao at the crowd being so hyped for Balor's demon entrance and then just going silent about 2 minutes in. Then he probably gives himself another concussion apparently not knowing how to roll. Just bang your head off the mat, breh, what's the worst that can happen? That's only something you learn the first day of wrestling school. At least Finn has started to do something to set himself apart with the paint. Too bad it's just growling and baring his teeth a lot. Excuse me, his fangs. Which he does not have. They're just normal teeth. A dull match with a dull crowd, and the one cool spot they could have done (Balor double stomping Bray during the spider walk) never happened. Instead, Balor growled at Bray during the spider walk, and Bray was like, "oh". Balor wins with the double stomp. 

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Dean Ambrose/Seth Rollins vs Sheamus/Cesaro WWE Raw Tag Team Championships

Anything that keeps Seth and Dean away from the main events is fine by me, even if they're doing a Shield reunion without the actual most important part of the team. Dean and Roman both come out in Wolfpac colors. Well, Seth is actually wearing Deadpool cosplay gear. In the first 3 minutes, Dean and Seth look better as a team than they've looked as solo guys in 3 years. Dean gets blasted with a Bro Kick on the floor, leaving Seth to be FIP for a large chunk of the match. Fans are busy playing with a beach ball, not paying attention to the match at all. Cesaro jumps into the crowd and rips it up, which gets the biggest reaction of anything in this match. Last year, both Seth and Dean were defending their world titles at Summerslam. This year, they're in a tag match together in the middle of the show and a beach ball is the most over performer. This is pretty whatever until the finishing stretch, which saw Seth hit multiple superkicks, then the King Slayer into the Dirty Deeds. New champions. It was fine, I guess. Dean and Seth are clearly much better as a tag than solo. Not that this wasn't clear since 2014. 

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AJ Styles vs Kevin Owens WWE US Championship

Shane McMahon is the special guest referee. Man, these guys have been involved in 10 matches against each other in 3 months. Shane is sweating bullets just making it to the ring. Shane is right in the way all the time, constantly rubbing his the sweat off of his brow. There's a lot of good action in this, but I'm just tired of seeing them together. Shane takes Earl Hebner level bumps, and both guys are like WTF you can fall off buildings but you can't make it in time to count the fall? Valid point. The striped shirt curse continues. For some reason, Shane is SIGNIFICANTLY sweatier than either of the guys having a high octane action match. If I hadn't have seen these guys go at it so many times recently, this would be a pretty rad match, even with the Shane fuckery. AJ wins with a Styles Clash that he MIGHTILY struggled with on account of KO's, you know, huge gut. Title retained.

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Shinsuke Nakamura vs Jinder Mahal WWE Championship

Man, the pre-match video for this is amazing, makes it look like the biggest international event where both guys are heroes of their respective nations and you should cheer for both. Violin guy returns to Barclays for Nakamura's first WWE Championship match. Man, Jinder's entrance is better than Nakamura's. Shit is LEGIT. The Japanese and Hindi announce teams get to take over the US broadcast for a bit. This does feel like a  true international event. Really not much to this. Nak is having his house show match, Jinder, as great as his story and diet are, is still limited. Shout out to turning a body slam into a triangle, though. As Nak was about to win, the Singh brothers got involved, got smashed, and then Jinder hit an ugly version of the Khallas to steal the win. JINDER REMAINS UNHINDERED! Title retained. Lol at Nakamura jobbing to Jinder Mahal. But bigger lol at anyone thinking he must regret leaving Japan and 5 star matches when he's making much more to work much easier and understands that wrestling isn't real and actively recruiting other Japanese stars.

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Braun Strowman vs Samoa Joe vs Roman Reigns vs Brock Lesnar WWE Universal Championship

HOSS BATTLE. Hmm, Roman is also in red and black. Curious. Biggest of big fight feel. It's been almost 5 hours for this crowd, and they're hotter for this than anything all night. The power of the HOSS. The electricity for Brock/Braun showdowns holy shit. WM main event level shit. And they finally hook up...and Braun chucks Brock across the ring and knocks him over the ropes with EASE. Omg this is awesome. Just big dudes smashing each other. It's perfect. Braun destroying everyone. Forcing Joe to take Ziggler bumps, slamming Brock through TWO announce tables, throwing office chairs, picking up the remaining announce table and dumping it on Brock. BRAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN DA GAWD. Brock Lesnar has been declared obsolete. Lmao at Braun shit talking while Brock is taken out by medical staff. A bit later, he returns to beat everyone's ass. Brock eventually pins Roman with the F5 to retain his title. This was FUCKING AWESOME. Braun vs Brock is going to be FUCKING AWESOME.

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  Two match of the year candidates, a bunch of matches that ranged from solid to pretty good, and one dud (Balor/Wyatt). Certainly a top tier Summerslam. I was down with Braun since DAY ONE ISH, so to see that he's so over being a fucking bad ass monster that fans sang Na Na Na Hey Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye when Brock was stretchered out and then chanted BRAUN BRAUN BRAUN BRAUN. Make him the champion of the universe forever.