WWF Smackdown 8/2/01

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The Rock has returned, and he's returned to the WWF. And now, he returns to HIS show. Tazz is the Alliance representative on commentary for Smackdown from now on. 

Kurt Angle comes to the ring. Kurt gets a very big reaction in the nation's capital. He's a national hero, after all. He won't complain about getting screwed by Austin on Raw, because this is summer and summer is supposed to be freakin' fun. Kurt hits on a lot of topics, from surfing, to beating Steve Austin, to sticking cigars in an intern's pussy. He then leads the crowd in the pledge of allegiance. And then noted Canadian Lance Storm comes to the ring. Of course, he shits on America and D.C. in particular. Lance challenges Kurt to a match tonight. "That sounds good to me, GEEK!" Lance throws the IC belt at Kurt and hits him with a superkick. OUTTA NOWHERE! 

TO THE BACK. Steve Austin and Debra are walking around and come across Shawn Stasiak. "You gotta hell of a physique on you there, kid. You ever thought about getting into the wrestling business?" Lmao. Berried. JK, he's had his eye on him. "Who was that?" 

Hardy Boyz vs Palumbo/O'Haire

A non-title affair. Even after winning the Inaugural Brawl, the Alliance still ain't shit, as the Hardys dominate the WCW tag team champs for the first few minutes, despite the champs being significantly bigger. "If Paul says it, it's the truth." Lmao. There's a weird amount of arm work on Matt in this match. Jeff had O'Haire pinned with the swanton, but Teddy Long was distracted. Chuck hit the superkick, and the WCW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS have to steal a win. 

TO THE BACK.  The Rock has arrived. Elsewhere, Stephanie McMahon and Chris Jericho have a confrontation in the hallway. Jericho makes another reference to Bill Clinton's predilection for cigar stuffing. Then he points out a zit Stephanie has on her chin. Edge and Christian walk by and join in on slutshaming her. Friggin' Canadians. Elsewhere elsewhere, Stacy Keibler offers Stone Cold some of her cookies. Hers are much better than Debra's. And then Debra sees him eating them. "I missed you. You okay?" Lol. 

EARLIER TODAY. DDP had a weird promo in a candle lit shrine to Sara, where he sniffed picked of her and talked about wanting to fuck her. Or something. Shit was unseemly. The segment ends with him about to jerk off to one of her pictures. The fuck is going on here?

Chris Kanyon vs Kane WCW US Championship

Kanyon! The Invasion MVP! Who betta?!?! Here's where you see how big Kanyon is: He's only 2-3 inches shorter than Kane, who is billed at 7 feet. They'd probably be the same size if Kane didn't have lifts in his boots. Sadly, Kanyon is completely squashed, but he was disqualified for grabbing Nick Patrick's shirt, so title retained. Nick Patrick got chokeslammed after the match.

TO THE BACK. The Rock heads to the ring. Elsewhere, Stephanie gives Rhyno/Dudleyz a pep talk about taking out those friggin' Canadians.

The Rock comes to the ring. The Rock didn't come back to the WWF for Vince McMahon. He came back for...the people. "The Rock was born in the WWF and The Rock will never leave the WWF." Lol. This is literally his last full time run, and full time is pretty generous since he only did a handful of house shows. But he also came back for REVENGE on ol' Stone Cold. "Steve Austin, why don't you come out and hug The Rock?" Real men settle their issues with hugs. Instead of Austin, Booker T comes out. Booker basically buries himself, saying that Rock isn't in Austin's league, but he's also not even in Booker's league. Completely put Austin on a different level than himself. "Who in the blue hell are you?" Of course, Rock completely eats Booker up on the mic. Book challenges Rock to a match at Summerslam.  Rock challenges him right now, which brings Shane out to calm things down. Idk, but I can't stop lolling at Booker doing fucking He-Man poses behind Shane. "Shane's a pussy" chants break out. Shane challenges Rock to a street fight on Raw. Rock, of course, manages to turn this all into a gay joke, but he agrees to the match with Shane. Very surprised Rock didn't completely kill Booker for stealing his shirts and finish, but I suppose there are a few weeks before Summerslam.

TO THE BACK. Steve is still trying to get Debra to not be mad about him about the cookies thing. Lance Storm comes in, and Debra accepts Kurt's challenge on Steve's behalf. "Don't ever embarrass me like that." 


Dudley Boyz/Rhyno vs Edge/Christian/Chris Jericho

Frickin' Canadians. Rhyno not included, obviously. Rhyno's legs are so god damn big. He actually looks exactly like the potato bodied, t-rex armed dude you'd expect him to be in his 40s. By the same token, the Dudleys are exactly the same fat fucks you'd expect them to be in their mid 40s. You might not have expected Edge to turn into a weird viking and Christian to actually be in better shape in their 40s. Edge spends most of the match as FIP. Rhyno gores Jericho while he has the Walls on, and D-Von pins Jericho to get the win.

TO THE BACK. Steve Austin is talking about how hungry he is, while twirling one of Debra's cookies. She's so damn selfish to think Steve should eat one of her cookies. 

Debra comes to the ring with her cookies. She's going to give the fans a free taste test. "Most these people are on food stamps anyway..." The fans seem to like Debra's cookies. This brings Stone Cold out, to another new entrance theme. "Are you Betty Crocker? Look at me. Is this the Debra show?" Remember, Austin got arrested smacking her around not too long after this. Probably because of this segment, where she keeps taking his mic and pushing him around for being an asshole. DEBRA HIT STONE COLD WITH THE COOKIE TRAY. Where the fuck is this angle going? Austin eats those cookies trying to get her to come back. He then accepts Kurt Angle's challenge for Summerslam.

TO THE OFFICE. Regal is disgusted with DDP's pervertedness. 

Lance Storm vs Kurt Angle

I'm sure this was a dream match at some point. Since this is a 2001 TV show, I'm pretty positive it will go 7 minutes max and have at least 2 run ins and fuckery finish. And even if, by some miracle, Lance were to win, I'm sure he'd come off worse than he did before the match anyway. Lance actually gets to be pretty even with Kurt, which is FOR SURE the most anyone in his WWE career ever did for him. Imagine Lance vs Taker. Lol 90 second squash with Taker no selling the superkick and winning with the chokeslam because Lance wouldn't even be good enough for the last ride. Kurt was busted open in the opening segment, and he's been busted open again in this. I'm genuinely pretty amazed at how long and even this match is. Kurt, a dude who had been wrestling for 2 years understood that making your opponent look good makes you look better when you beat them more than the rest of the entire WWF roster. Kurt wins with the Angle Slam and ankle lock.  

TO THE OFFICE. Regal is happy to have Angle in the company. Taker and Sara barge in. Taker has Booker in the main event, but it's non-title. Taker isn't happy about this. If Taker can get Booker to put the title on the line, then the title is on the line. 

TO THE BACK. Booker accepts Taker's title challenge. Shane is like wtf breh. Shane said he'd WHAM WHAM WHAM Rock if he was still here, but SWERVE, Rock IS still here.

Undertaker vs Booker T WCW Championship

Mean Mark finally gets his title shot. Y'all know what Taker's last match was before debuting in the WWF? Losing to Jerry Lawler via DQ in a USWA Championship tournament. About a month later, he did a taping at Superstars as Kane The Undertaker. But his last WCW match was jobbing to Lex Luger. His last NJPW match was tagging with Chris Benoit against Scott Hall and Rocco Rock. Wrestling is weird. Fucking LOL at the camera missing all of Booker's pyro to use a shot of Taker standing in the corner. The fuck. Taker even has the production crew working against Alliance guys. Can you believe Taker made the WCW champ look like shit? CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?!?!?! Even with Shane's interference (which should be enough to make Booker look like shit to begin with), Taker still makes Booker look like a joke, despite Booker heading into Summerslam with a match against Rock. And the thing is, this is by far the most Taker has given to any Alliance dude so far and it still makes Booker look worse off than he did before having this match. Shane grabs Sara Taker, which is why we got Shane vs Taker at WM 32. A ref bump and Booker hitting Taker with a chair still can't put him down. Rock shows up and hits the Rock Bottom. Shane hits Rock with a chair. Somehow, Shane became the main player of this match he's not even in. Booker hits Taker with the title. Rock lays the smackdown on Shane. Taker kicks out anyway, and the Alliance hits the ring. Rock and Taker fight them off. Is it really that hard to make the Alliance look like a credible threat for ONE fucking show at a time? 

Man, they try so hard every show to make the Alliance look like trash. It's just so hard to imagine why it took YEARS for any of the Alliance guys to get out from this shadow of suck. Fuck The Undertaker.