The Wolfman (2010)


Starring: 

Plot: Upon his return to his ancestral homeland, an American man is bitten, and subsequently cursed by, a werewolf.


I'm sure not much has changed in 70 years, right? Big shout out for Universal bringing back and updated version of the 40s logo for this.

This starts with a dude in the woods immediately being attacked by a werewolf. Like 90 seconds in. Benico is Larry Talbot, who in this movie is an actor. At the post-show party, his to be sister-in-law arrives to inform him that his brother has gone missing. Talbot is contracted for 30 more performances and can't leave. OR CAN HE? He can and ends up on a train with a weird dude who tells stories about his mother and then tries to give Larry his cane/knife. I bet that will come into play later.

Larry returns to the home of his father. It was implied earlier that he has some daddy issues. Well, as it turns out, brother Ben is dead, so it's a good thing he made it in time for the funeral. Larry looks at Ben's body, which is horribly deformed and torn up. The locals think it must be the damn gypsies. A drunk has the REAL story, talkin' 'bout werewolves and shit. Silver bullets and whatnot. Larry hears enough shit and gets in the face of the locals, but is kicked out of the bar. It appears that Larry's mom was a crazy whore and that he left the family long ago.

 
 

We find out the reason behind all this familial animosity: Mrs. Talbot killed herself. Since then, Mr. Talbot has been distant towards anyone and anything that reminded him of his wife. Including his kids. And his to-be daughter-in-law. He even put Larry in an asylum for a year. That's kind of weird. Can you just...put someone in an asylum? 

Larry finds the gypsy to tell him about his brother. The locals come to raid the gypsy village. And one of them has FUCKING BEAR ON A LEASH. Some beast attacks. Shit gets real. Larry ends up being bitten in the neck by a werewolf. Guess what. HE LIVED. And now he has hallucinations of weird monster things. His brother's lady takes care of him now, nursing him back to health. A detective who worked on the Jack the Ripper case shows up to work on this case. 

 
 

This relationship between Larry and the woman that was banging his brother is super uncomfortable. They're clearly going to bang. That's pretty icky, if you ask me. Luckily, he sends her back to London because his symptoms are getting worse and he doesn't want to kill her. Mr. Talbot leads Larry to his mother's tomb, and then the hidden shrine underneath it. For some reason, Anthony Hopkins suddenly looks like he colored half of his beard and appears to be wearing eye liner. He looks like Zod OUTTA NOWHERE. He knows what's up and it seems that Mr. Talbot is, perhaps, a werewolf. Larry transforms and it's weird CGI body horror stuff that looks bad. All the CGI in this has looked really bad. Like 10 years behind. Big Hairy Larry starts killing folks, as you do when you're a werewolf. It's all pretty silly, though. None of it comes off as scary. It is quite hokey.

 
 

Larry caught the next day and sent back to the asylum, where they torture him and try to make him crazier. So he hallucinates and dreams weird shit for a while. Pops shows up and tells him the story of how he found a young werewolf and was bitten. It was actually Sir John who killed mom while in werewolf mode. Larry then changes while some ashole is showing that he's not a werewolf. I have to say, this movie is dumb as fuck. The acting in this is so shitty. I've seen Benicio act his ass off. I have no clue what he's doing in this movie. It's BAD, though.

 
 

Anyway, he goes on a rampage, gets away, and heads back to London to find his sister-in-law. They make out, even after he explains that HE'S A FUCKING WEREWOLF. Eventually, Larry gets away and goes to confront his father, where he gets his ass kicked by old as fuck Anthony Hopkins. At the same time, Emily Blunt is trying to track him down before the inspector gets to him. To "set him free", which I assume means kill him. This leads to a father and son WEREWOLF BRAWL while the house is on fire. This is fucking dumb. Perhaps it would help if the werewolves didn't look like Beast's older, dumber looking brother. Or if the howls weren't the most hilariously stupid sounding things. Larry kills his pops. Emily and Agent Smith find him at the same time. She ends up killing him, but the inspector is now probably cursed.

 
 


Wow. Garbage. So bad that the head of Universal said this was one of the two worst movies that Universal has ever produced. The other being Babe: Pig In The City. That pretty much says it all, I think.