Oculus (2013)


Starring: 

Plot: A woman tries to exonerate her brother, who was convicted of murder, by proving that the crime was committed by a supernatural phenomenon.


WWE Films would never do me wrong. 


Who are these kids? Who is this spooky woman with weird eyes? Wow this dude just straight up shoots a pre-teen in the face. But I guess it was just a dream he has from time to time. Well, he's fine to be released when he turns 21. Okay. 

OH SHIT THIS MIRROR IS FROM THE LEVESQUE ESTATE? Yo Jimmy, hit me with that Triple HSHIIII. HHH's haunted mirror is up for auction, starting at $10K. It's sold for $16K as crazy dude is released from the mental facility. His sister, who was doing the auction stuff, picks him up. I think she was the girl he shot in the dream. Oh fuck. Somehow this mirror is something they've been looking for for years, because they have a promise to keep...to kill it. Hopefully this flashback to 11 years ago will explain. Well, it didn't. And now it appears that the movie is going to jump back and forth between 11 years ago and today. 

Now we see our first interaction with the creepy mirror. Sister has a dream of her dad choking her in front of it. And she feels the choking in real life. Wait...is that her brother in bed with her? Oh, I guess that was her boyfriend, who she also works with, and got her a new printer at work because...she was printing off crime scene photos on the main printer. Lol. What? She gets the mirror transferred to a fixer or something, so she can steal it. This gives her a chance to talk to the mirror. Saying how hungry it must be and how the crack must hurt. Weird stuff starts happening. "I'll see you at home." She's talking to HHH's ancestral haunted mirror.  Even if it wasn't haunted...she's talking to a mirror.


Back to the flashbacks. Sister is being all bratty about being the only one of her friends without a cell phone. She calls her mom, "Marie", which causes Marie to laugh and say, "fruit of my loins". "WELL, I wish I'd been a pineapple." Sister saw a lady in the mirror and questioned dad on it at dinner time. Jeez. Have some tact, pal. God damn. You're just going to blow up your dad's spot like that? Right at the dinner table? You couldn't asking him about that shit in private? No wonder he was choking her in the flashbacks. 

Sister brings Brother back to their childhood home, where he hasn't been since...something bad happened. Presumably the reason he's been in a mental facility. Seems like a bad idea all around, lady. They move the mirror into the house. She has a bunch of cameras to record the weird shit with the mirror. She's done her research on the mirror, which apparently has been killing folks since the 1700s. Hey, just a thought. Maybe this girl should have been in a mental facility instead of the boy. She refuses to believe their dad was just a dude who went crazy and killed their mom. This vid is for all the haters out there. Fartin' on you haters. Shout out to King Assripper.  But Sister contends that none of the people described and shown were responsible for their actions. It was, in fact, the ghost of Triple H that caused these deaths.

Why is this dude so jacked if he'd been in a mental facility for years? Do most mental facilities have weight rooms? Her plan is to have a weight slam into the mirror every 30 minutes, trying to antagonize it so it will have to protect itself, which she will then record and prove her dad was innocent.

So this just goes back and forth between current day and the flashbacks and it's dumb as shit. The Brother and Sister are now basically reenacting the relationship of Mom and Dad, with the crazy dude saying the girl is crazy and nothing happening for almost an hour. THEN weird shit finally starts happening, as all the plants have died, the cameras are all turned. The video footage shows that they did it themselves, yet neither can remember doing it. PROOF! All these flashbacks don't even make sense. They're supposed to be like...actual memories of the kids, but most of them are things that they aren't even around to have seen. The mirror drove mom crazy. She tried to kill the kids, then tried to kill Dad, who used his zjewzjeets skills to choke her out. Put her to sleep like a crying baby. 


Dad tried to call the police. The mirror intercepted the call. Not only is it haunted, but it is a stealth wireless tower. They continue to both see weird flashbacks and see shit in the house. Sister bites a light bulb instead of an apple, but SWERVE it was an apple the whole time. This mirror is out for BLOOD.  Or is it? 


Flashbacks of seeing Mom with no teeth chained to the wall.  LOL and Dad grounds them for it. Instead of calling the police, Sister calls a doctor. Your mom is chained to a wall with all of her teeth missing. Call the fucking police. She was told that the dad had to call, so she sneaked out and got a neighbor, who was immediately soothed by Dad's sweet talking. Jesus Christ this is dumb. You're telling me she couldn't call a doctor or the police to report HER MOTHER HAVING BEEN CHAINED TO THE WALL AND MISSING ALL OF HER TEETH?

Oh and these flashbacks are actually seen. As in, they view the flashbacks in front of them as tangible events. Even interacting with the flash backs, sometimes switching back and forth from perspectives and time frames. All at once. And over. And over. 


Sister accidentally kills her fiance, who she hallucinated as a monster version of her mom. But then the fiance calls her on the phone, SO WHO IS THIS DEAD GUY? IS THERE REALLY A DEAD GUY AT ALL? LOOK AT HIM THROUGH THE PHONE, LADY. You see, when viewed through the phone, none of this stuff is real. Except this. This is definitely real. She definitely just killed him and now HHH's mirror has entered into a technological era.  Or is the guy really dead? Is the guy there? Who knows. 

So basically, the mirror is making them see like...5 levels of flashbacks all at once. Including of shit they're doing right now. Eventually, Brother wakes up from the nightmare stuff because of the kitchen timers that were set. He's alone in the room. Sister seems stuck as a kid, now entering the mirror with her non-monster mother. Brother hits the switch to drop the anchor into the mirror. SWERVE Sister was in front of hit the whole time! OOPS! Now he's arrested again and he sees his ghost family in the house as he's taken away. Book 'im. 


This movie is dumb as shit. Imagine ANOES if all the scenes were dream scenes, and then they expect you to believe it's real even after the 5th reveal. That's basically the entire movie once they get into the house. It's not scary, it's not cool, it's not even interesting. It's just nonstop "Lol that wasn't real" over and over and over until you stop giving a shit at all. 

Can't wait for the prequel set in the early 1600s, where some wacky British serial killer somehow gets his soul transferred into a mirror via some kind of lighting strike or perhaps magic.