I, Frankenstein (2014)


PLOT: Frankenstein's creature finds himself caught in an all-out, centuries old war between two immortal clans.


I saw Dracula Untold in theaters (for free) and it was dogshit. This looks even worse. Can't wait to get into it.

This starts...at the North Pole? Is Frankenstein actually Santa? It's actually a montage with voice over of how the monster came to be and all that. He's buried Victor and it is just the beginning. What. Demon things show up and a fight scene breaks out. Not even four minutes into the movie, Frankenstein is fighting demons and is saved by a gargoyles who turn into humanoids in clothes and stuff. Oh, and the voice over was by the monster.This gargoyle turned lady gets the "It's alive, it's alive!" line. This is amazing. It's basically the whole plot of the book/original movie in 90 seconds just so get it out of the way to introduce a completely different story and FIGHTS.


"High queen of the gargoyle order." What the fuck am I watching? You see, there is a war going on between demons and gargoyles. Y'all can't see it, though. But it's totally going on. The gargoyle lady wants to call the monster, "Adam". SYMBOLISM! Now they want to arm Frankenstein. He picks clubs. Basically bats, really.  Actually Adam was referenced in the book I think. Maybe. Or maybe a Mary Shelley interview. I don't know. I haven't read Frankenstein since middle school.

Adam then goes off on his own, wandering around for years. Eventually, the demons find him and another fight scene breaks out. Eventually, he gets a smart hair cut and becomes a demon hunter. Walking around in clubs and shit. This is incredible. Dutch angles everywhere, random slow motion. Chase scenes. It's so great.


Now we're in a super high tech lab, which is apparently operated by Dr. Claw. They're trying to reanimate a rat. With Tony Stark hologram screens everywhere. My god. IT'S ALIVE! Dr. Claw reveals himself to be Phillip from Shaun of the Dead. He's all in on this demon shit. I assume he is a demon, based on his weird voice. OH SHIT HE'S NABERIUS, the prince demon dude! 


Frank is kidnapped back to Gargoyle Island, where they apparently now hate him. I based this on them chaining him up while he screams, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO". You see, the story of Frankenstein is well known and that's what Naomi is trying to figure out. Queen Garg gets all up in Frank's shit for letting people get killed and shit. The plan is to steal Frank from the gargoyles. "Bring me Frankenstein's monster!" I guess in this universe, the story of Frankenstein was real one that everyone just knows. Like the boogeyman or something.  I don't know if this means that Mary Shelley's Frankenstein exists here, but as a real book instead of fictional story. 

This, of course, leads to a huge battle scene between the demons and gargoyles. So much hilarious green screen in this. It was all a SWERVE to actually kidnap the queen. "Descend in pain, demon." That's the Frankenstein one liner? Lol. And then the trade off isn't even for Frank, it's for Victor's notebook. ANOTHER fight scene breaks out. Frank just hitting home-runs. I should probably point out that demons immediately explode when hit with stuff.


There must have been another time cut, because Dr. Claw has been able to build this giant facility with probably thousands of bodies all hooked up and waiting to be hit with electricity. Or maybe he's had that for a while and was just waiting to get the notebook. Frank breaks into the lab to take the book back. Which leads to...ANOTHER FIGHT SCENE! SWERVE, Nairobi calls them off. "I seek my own answers" with the same delivery as "I make my own luck". I see you, playboi. Frank dives out the window, though the grating, landing on top of a moving subway train. Now he's just chilling on the train, reading the book. Book reading montage! 


Frankie stalks hot lady scientist and relays the whole story to her. One of the demons find him, leading to ANOTHER FIGHT SCENE, this time in an abandoned factory. With like...parkour evasion techniques. You see, the whole plan here is to make all these bodies with no souls because demons can't inhabit bodies with souls. So they're going to enter the bodies of reanimated corpses instead of just like...being fucking demons that can basically fly and shoot fire and shit. The plan is to take over the world with those reanimated corpses, since you can't kill what is already dead. Although you lose all your sweet demon powers, presumably. Hot scientist lady read Victor's book and thinks she can improve upon his plan. Of course, she goes back to the lab where everyone was waiting for her because this movie is dumb as shit.


One of the gargoyles decides he's going to try to kill Frank, only to end up getting killed with his own weapon like a dip shit. You fuck head. Best of all is that this dude is like...the best gargoyle warrior and he basically killed himself doing dumb shit. And there are just a few gargs left as it is. So he just ended up possibly ruining the centuries of war and all of humanity over a personal vendetta. Fuck you, bootleg Kyle Reese. You ain't shit.


Fucking LOL at Frankenstein springboarding off a car to do a flying Superman punch to a gargoyle. This movie. The gargoyles claim to be hidden, but they fly around the fucking city all the time. How does no one see them? Where are all the people? Oh shit, is this about to turn into the Burly Brawl? Frank is surrounded by demons in suits. And then the gargoyles and demons start fighting. Why are all the demons in suits? The same suit. This was all just a plan of Frank/Adam/Two-Face to lure the gargoyles to the same area as the demons. He's a smart monster, you see.


This all leads to the big showdown with Nabisco and Frank. Somehow during all this, Frankenstein ends up with a soul, I assume because he fell into some electricity. OUTTA NOWHERE. And then everything blows up. Lmao, Frankenstein is now the protector of the world and stands for justice. He turned into Batman.


While it lost some steam around the 50 minute mark, this movie is amazing. It might be the dumbest legit movie I've ever seen. We're not talking about The Room or Troll 2. We're talking about a $65M CGI heavy Universal Pictures movie with the intent of starting a franchise and/or cinematic universe. A reboot of Frankenstein, which covers the whole story in 90 seconds and then introduces a new story based around Frankenstein being stuck in the middle of a war between gargoyles and demons. A Frankenstein who wears hoodies and boot cut jeans. A Frankentsein who clearly colors his hair. A Frankenstein who get into parkour fights. A Frankenstein who springboards off of a car to do a Superman punch to a flying gargoyle. A Frankenstein who spent years teaching himself martial arts. A Frankenstein with a 6 pack.

This is a special kind of dumb and I recommend it to everyone.

Here is Eckhart being full of shit talking about the movie:

And again: