Halloween 5 (1989)


Plot: One year after the events of last year's Halloween, the Shape returns to Haddonfield once again in an attempt to kill his now-mute niece.

The Return of Michael Myers was a hit, so production for an immediate sequel was fast tracked to be out the next year. 4 ended with Michael dead and the Myers curse passing to his niece, young Jamie, who stabbed her foster mother with a pair of scissors after her encounter with Michael. Somewhere between the release of the movie and the writing of the script for this movie, someone decided that it might be a hard sell to have the killer in your horror movie be an orphaned, mentally disturbed 8 year old girl. The decision was made to bring Michael back from the dead. Again. Returning actors Donald Pleasence and Danielle Harris voiced their disappointment with the decision to not use Jamie as the killer. But who gives a shit about what the actors think? Without any involvement from John Carpenter, Debra Hill, or Jamie Lee Curtis, perhaps you should listen to the two stars of the movie, especially since one of them is a veteran actor that is the anchor of these movies. The same Moustapha Akkad who approved the ending of 4 was the one who vetoed the idea to follow up on it.

The movie begins with the last few moments of 4, then cuts to what happened after Michael fell down the mine shaft. He somehow crawled his way to the river, where he floated downstream, ending up at a little shack in the woods. First off. He's wearing a totally different mask than what was worn in 4, made especially more jarring since they showed actual clips of 4 right before this. And it looks even shittier, somehow. Garbage. Secondly, He got shot like 70 times with high powered rifles and shotguns before falling 20-30 feet down a mine shaft, yet he has no wounds, and seems to be walking around pretty fine, all things considered. He tries to kill the old man in the shack, but passes out. One year later, it's again Halloween in Haddonfield. Jamie Lloyd has been placed in a children's clinic after her pretty shitty day one year ago. She's still having nightmares, but now she seems to be unable to speak. Michael wakes up, now with a weird symbol on his wrist. Jamie sees this, and even mimics his actions. Now, think about this. Michael tried to kill this old hermit. He then falls into a coma, and the hermit just...keeps him in his shack the whole time. For a whole year. Do you think he took a peak at Mike's hog? I bet he did. We know that Michael eats, so presumably he shits, and even if he didn't, the hermit probably bathed him a few times over the course of a year. That's probably why Michael killed him. Peter gazing. This sends Jamie into a seizure, but Loomis shows up to stop the doctor from doing a tracheotomy at the last second. The doctor thinks Jamie is dead, even though she's clearly breathing and alive. Even the other staff were like wtf. How is this dude a doctor when he can't even tell if someone is dead or alive? And why perform a trach when she wasn't choking? She was having a seizure, but was definitely breathing. I think this fucking weirdo just wanted to kill a little girl.


Rachel and her friend, Tina, visit Jamie. So does Loomis. Then a brick comes flying through the window OUTTA NOWHERE. It had a note attached: The evil child must die! Very rude. Rachel will be leaving for the weekend and naturally feels guilty about it. The parents are gone, too. It's the one year anniversary of the time their foster daughter was chased by her maniac uncle, then stabbed the mom, so they celebrate by having a nice weekend at the lakes while said foster daughter is stuck alone in a clinic. God, the music sucks in this. Weird buttrock. The fuck? Whose idea was that? Michael shows up at the Carruthers house while Rachel gets a shower scene. Max the dog flips his shit, which causes Jamie to flip her shit. Loomis calls to make sure everything is alright. For some reason, Rachel kept YELLING AT THE PHONE. Like..."Okay, I'm coming" "I SAID I'M COMING". To the ringing phone. Like whoever was on the phone was going to hear and stop ringing. She goes to check on Max, who has gone missing. Cops are called, and these mother fuckers have clown music. What the fuck, Alan? Why are there bumbling comedy cops anyway, but why do they need an overtly goofy theme to accompany them?  Max came back with a squirrel in his mouth. Rachel seems to have no qualms just grabbing it out of his mouth and smiling. Don't mind the dead, half eaten carcass in your dog's mouth. Fuck this movie already. Loomis screams at Jamie to tell him what she knows, driving her to tears. Like, you're an old melted dude who is pretty intense. Maybe don't get right up in her face and growl at her.


Michael ends up killing Rachel by stabbing her in what I think it supposed to be the heart, but looks more like the collar bone to me. And originally, he was supposed to shove the scissors down her throat. Ellie Cornell said no fucking way. Regardless, killing her seemed really unnecessary. She was already being written out of the story. Loomis at least has another dope ass line to the sheriff: "I prayed that he would burn in hell, but in my heart, I know that Hell would not have him." With Rachel out of the picture, Tina is the new lead. And she's fucking awful. One of the most annoying characters in a slasher movie ever. So stupid, so bubbly, so SQUEAKY. Her friend Sami is way better. But wtf this awful music again. It's like something you'd hear in a lowkey bar scene in an 80s action movie. Made by Cannon. Tina's boyfriend is a super obnoxious bad boy with the hot car. Leather jacket. Sunglasses. Moody. And his name is Michael. I'm sure there won't be a scene where Tina talks to Michael, but it's actually the other Michael. Worst of all, they were there to visit Jamie. They actually went to the clinic. Right outside. Then decided to bail without even going in to see her. Shitheads.


Jamie sees Michael outside, then gets chased around the building by him. Turns out it was just the groundskeeper/janitor. OR WAS IT?!?! Lmao, Loomis comes back to straight up scream at and shake Jamie. 70 year old man trying to intimidate the shit out of a 9 year old girl. He basically tells her that Michael is going to kill her and put her in a coffin of a 9 year old girl that went missing today. "Tears won't save you from him." Around the same time, some weirdo dressed in all black arrives via bus, kicking a dog in his introductory shot, so you know he's a bad dude. Loomis heads to the Myers house, assuming Michael will probably be there. Somehow, the house has become a sprawling Gothic mansion with stained glass windows and a fucking rotunda. The man in black is also in the house, and he has the same symbol on his wrist that Michael has. Or IS IT Michael? Who gives a shit.


Michael is now stalking Tina and her friends, even though he has no reason to do so besides that she happened to be around Rachel's house. This whole scene has such terrible ADR. Like everything randomly had a ton of reverb added, despite them being outside in front of a store. Michael kills Michael with a garden claw. After he scratched up the car, which was just rude. He steals the car and mask, too. Somehow, Michael knows what time to pick Tina up for a party. Tina doesn't seem to notice that her boyfriend is now twice as a big and extra moody. This causes Jamie to have another shit fit during a costume contest at the clinic, because she knows Tina is about to get killed. Can't be done fast enough, as far as I'm concerned. Michael lets Tina out to get some smokes. Why hasn't he killed her yet? Literally no reason to keep her alive. He knows where Jamie is already. A whole fleet of police intercept her as she's leaving the store, because somehow Jamie got her location and the police had time to get there in about a minute. Then they cut to a quick shot of Michael in the car, but he's wearing his normal mask instead of the mask he stole from other Michael. Was...was he wearing a mask on top of his mask? Tina still goes to the fucking party anyway, even with Jamie begging her to stay. The man in black is still wandering around. What is he up to? No one knows. Not even the writers, who thought they'd put this random guy in this movie and figure out a reason in the next movie. 


Jamie and her little boyfriend run away from the clinic, heading to the big farm where the party is. Tina, Sami, and her boyfriend play a prank on the cops where Michael Myers was about to kill one of them. The cops don't know what to do, then it's just a big joke, but they have their guns drawn. "Somebody could be dead right now!" "Fortunately, we're lousy cops." *circus sounds*. Fuck this movie. Michael drives there and ends up killing folks. Jamie and her boyfriend seem to walk there. The same Jamie who in the last movie got lost in her own neighborhood and has been in a clinic for a year has now managed to walk all the way across town to a random farm in what has to be less than an hour. The cops got killed, but sadly, we didn't get to see this.    


Michael chases Tina with the car, but then heads after Billy and Jamie. The car IMMEDIATELY explodes upon hitting a tree, which would make this the second time Michael has been in an explosion. And it didn't work. Tina gets stabbed, then Loomis and the police find Jamie. Michael gets away, obviously. Loomis then comes up with a plan to use Jamie as bait in the Myers house to lure Michael in to kill her. To the point of having her upstairs brushing her hair like Judith. It works. It's also daylight now, but only in one scene. Loomis tries to convince Michael that Jamie knows how to stop the rage inside him. "Don't you remember how much better you used to be?" What? Michael killed his sister when he was a little kid, and Loomis didn't meet him until that that point, then spent the next 15 years convinced he was the most evilest evil that every evilly eviled. How the fuck does he remember such a time? The speech almost works. He was just about to give the knife to Loomis, then he GAVE THE KNIFE TO LOOMIS. If you know what I mean. He stabbed him. That's what I meant. Jamie ends up in the attic (why do they do this two movies in a row? Why would the attic be the safest place?)and gets Michael to take his mask of for her. He appears to have very luxurious hair. "You're just like me." There's a close up on a single tear rolling down his face. His face which appears to be absolutely pristine, showing no results of having been SHOT IN THE EYE BALLS and having his face melted. Twice. Fuck this movie.


Loomis had boobytrapped the house, having a giant metal net drop on Michael, then shooting him with some tranquilizers before beating the shit out of him with a board, apparently having a heart attack and dying on top of him. Michael is then ARRESTED. Lmao. Jesus Christ. Just gonna arrest that dude? The man in black shows up and breaks Michael out, but not before massacring the entire police station. Mind you, this is the second time the entire station has been killed in one year.

God this movie fucking sucks.  Other than one line from Loomis and Danielle Harris being a very good child actor, this movie has no redeeming qualities. It's shot and lit terribly. The music is AWFUL, even the Carpenter themes sound like karaoke cover versions. The new music is so out of place in a Halloween movie. You can fuck with the story, but you can't have a Halloween movie and shit the bed with cinematography and music, yet this manages to do both.  Nothing in the plot makes any sense or is ever explained. Why was Jamie in the clinic? Why can't she speak? How does she have a psychic link with Michael? Why does that old hermit keep a giant dude in a coma (who tried to kill him) in his shack for a YEAR? How does he keep Michael alive? What's with the symbol on Michael's wrist that suddenly showed up? Who is the man in black? Why was Michael keeping Tina alive when he had multiple chances to kill her? How does Jamie make it across town and know how to get to the farm where the party is? How fucking stupid are the kids who play a prank on the cops as Michael Myers in Haddonfield on Halloween? Why did Michael cry when Jamie called him uncle if he's super evil and been trying to kill her for two movies? Why is the Myers house suddenly 3 times as big and looks completely different?

You have those fucking comedy cops, none of the effects look good, there is no suspense, everything just fucking sucks.