Freddy vs. Jason (2003)
Plot: Freddy Krueger and Jason Voorhees return to terrorize the teenage population. Except this time, they're out to get each other, too.
Okay so, I'm just assuming most people at the site are children of the 80s or early 90s. That means you likely came up with 100 ideas for Freddy vs Jason at some point. It's been 9 years since New Nightmare. 2 years since Jason X. And 10 years since Jason Goes To Hell teased us all by ending with Freddy's glove pulling Jason's mask to hell. Finally, in 2003, Freddy Vs. Jason happens. And it starts out the most awesome way possible: A red version of the New Line logo with the motif from ANOES, and the classic F13th ki ki ki, ma ma ma.
The movie actually starts with pre-burned Freddy about to kill a young girl, while doing an over view of his entire career of killing, then being killed by the parents of Springwood. This leads to a montage of the best kills of the ANOES series. I'm not sure why this is necessary at all. Like...who going to see this movie doesn't know Freddy and his history? Of note is that in the scene of the Freddy Snake eating Kristen, the clip used for this was the original version. The released version of Dream Warriors had the scene color corrected because FreddySnake was flesh toned and looked too much like a dick. Basically, no one remembers Freddy. And if no one remembers him, no one is afraid of him. And if no one is afraid of him, then he has no powers. So he found someone who would make them remember. OH SHIT IT'S JASON'S MASK! He's going to use Jason to kill people and get them to think it was Freddy so he can come back. Plot established.
TO CRYSTAL LAKE. Oh hi, girl getting naked at the lake. Good luck not getting killed. What do you know, she's dead about 45 seconds later. Jason sticks her to a tree, and she begins to face swap to various kids he's killed, all saying they deserved it. Then Pamela Voorhees shows up and tells him that it is time to wake up. "Mommy has something she wants you to do. I need you to go to Elm Street!" Jason's body reanimates, and Pamela is revealed to actually be Freddy! SWERVE! Wait...where the fuck was his body at? He was just kind of shallowly buried someone in the woods, but the last time we saw him in Jason Goes To Hell, he had been dragged down to hell by Freddy, and even if he wasn't, it wasn't in the middle of the woods. Whatever.
TO ELM STREET. 1428, to be specific. We're introduced to some of our group of kids. Kia, who wonders about getting a nose job. Gibb, the drinking and smoking girl who seems pretty interested in fucking. Lori, the "good girl" of the group. Gibb's boyfriend, bad boy Trey, and his friend, seemingly blank slate Blake. We're also introduced to Lori's first love, Will, via dialog from Kia. Seems that Will and Liro were in love as younger teens, and since then, no one has been good enough for Lori. "You were fucking 14, so get over it!" This scene is actually into the movie sooner than it is for the 3-6. Oh, and we find out that Lori's mom died.
Wouldn't you know, it's storming. Gibb and Trey bone down up stairs as the power went out. After he won't cuddle, Gibb takes a shower, and Jason stabs the every loving shit out of Trey, then folds that shitbird up in the bed. I don't remember which F13th he did that in, but it isn't a new kill. Gibb sees the blood, and then the body. Then they all run out of the house screaming. Conveniently, there was a cop rolling down the street at the same time. "Do you kids need some assistance?" "WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK?!?!?"
As the police go over the crime scene, one deputy points out that it must be Freddy Krueger who killed the kid. The sheriff tells him to shut the fuck up and never say that name, as they've worked too hard to let it all go to shit. How mysterious. At the station, Lori talks to Deputy Stubbs about who the suspect might be, and why she was asked weird questions about her dreams. Then she remembers the name: KONNAN! FUCK KONNAN! I mean. Freddy. Lori dozes off and finds the girl from the opening. Her eyes are cut out, and the girl explains who Freddy is and that he's coming back. The wall transforms and Lori finds herself back on Elm Street. OH SHIT, it's now a graveyard and the jump rope girls are back. OH SHIT it's a goat! OH SHIT it's Freddy! Man, this is less than 20 minutes in, and there have been probably 7 jump scares already.
Blake's dad confronts him about what he was doing at the house in the first place when he was supposed to be watching his sister. Pretty sure that Blake's dad is actually Alex Jones. BLACK HELICOPTERS! I HAVE THE DOCUMENTS! Blake dozes off (drink) and Freddy shows up. And a goat. But don't worry about the goat. Freddy tries use his shadow to kill Blake, but he's not strong enough yet, so he's going to let Jason have more fun. Which he says directly to the camera and seems to actually forcibly edit the film. The opening was normal narration shit, but now he's already breaking the 4th wall. Which I suppose makes sense, since the last time we saw the "real" Freddy was in Freddy's Dead, where he did that multiple times. Blake then wakes up next to his dad on the bench on the porch. As soon as he touches his dad, his dad's head flies off. Lol. Jason kills him, though. Not a laughing matter. RIP.
TO WESTIN HILLS. Oh shit, Westin Hills is back, and so is Hypnocil. Here, we're introduced to Will, and his friend Mark. Will sees a TV report about the death in Lori's house, and he freaks out. Will needs to go back to Springwood check on her. The last time he was there, he saw Lori's dad kill her mom, which seems to be why he's in Westin Hills in the first place. Mark thinks it is crazy that he wants to go back, because he doesn't want the nightmares to come back. Will says something about dream demon bullshit, but we'll get to that later. Later that night, Mark acts a fool so he'll get sedated, but SWERVE, he stole security's keys in the process. Will and Mark escape!
Back at Lori's house, her dad stirs some drugs in her orange juice. It's bizarre how much he looks like Robert Englund. I have no doubts this dude was cast specifically because he looked like Robert. And then, as she dozes, he morphs into Freddy for a second. Fred is all about that morph shit, I guess. Kia, Gibb, and Lori go to school. Even though they also now know that Blake was killed. Here, we're introduced to Linderman, a dorky guy who has a crush on Lori, and who Kia is very rude to. Suddenly, Mark and Will show up at school. Which seems like not the smartest place to show up at. Lori faints. Oh mylanta. Kia dozes while reading an apparently plastic surgery based magazine. In the nurse's office. At a high school. And then Freddy morphs in and cuts her nose off. "Got your nose!" More morphing. That seems to be this version of Freddy's thing, at least until he can get stronger. Mark and Will run away from school, because cops are after them. No shit. They're two escaped mental patients. Then they decided to the library to look up Freddy, but everything related to Freddy is blacked out in the records.
Okay, so here's a pretty big plot hole to me: Everything about Freddy has been redacted. All deaths related to him, even his own birth and death. Yet, Mark knows about him even after being given Hypnocil for (presumably) years. And Will knows about Freddy via Mark. Yet, somehow, they never managed to leak that info to anyone at Westin Hills. How could this be something they've talked about, presumably for years, yet no one in the facility has overheard? And, presumably, multiple people in the facility are in there because of Freddy related issues. Yet Freddy has no power because no one remembers him. Yet, we're shown that two of the main characters remembered him before he came back. But also, ALL OF THE ADULTS know about Freddy. It isn't like Freddy ONLY kills kids. He's been shown to kill or attempt to kill multiple adults during the series, even before he was actually dream Freddy. The MAJORITY of people didn't forget about Freddy. Yet the whole point is is that everyone forgot about him and he no longer has power. I'm calling bullshit on this.
Mark realizes that he totally fucked up by telling everyone about Freddy at school. Fucking MOMO. Wait. WAIT. So Mark just...went home? Because he gives the keys to a van that belonged to his brother to Will, then stays at the house. Which sure seems to imply that he went back home. His parents didn't think it was weird that their institutionalized teenage son was suddenly at home? Well, never mind about that. There's a big rave in the middle of a cornfield. Now, I'm from central Indiana, and I've never known of a rave in a cornfield. And I literally have cornfields around me within 3 minutes in every direction.
Linderman shows up and tries to hit on Lori again, and Kia is again a needlessly raging cunt to him. "You know, Linderman, I always pictured you as a straight up bed wetter." I mean, god damn, that's mean as fuck. He lights into her ass for it. Weirdly, that seems turn Kia on. Will shows up at the party to meet up with Lori. Freddy's name is spreading among the youth of Springwood. Gibb ends up apparently falling asleep or passing out, because she suddenly sees the dead Trey, and then follows him to a boiler room. Shout to to the Psycho rack shot. Oh, we see her passed out. And Billy Idol getting ideas. This scene has shout outs to ANOES 1, 2, 3, and Franklin Delano Roosevelt. Then Gibb's chest explodes and sprays blood all over Freddy. In the real world, Jason had impaled her and her wanna be rapist with a pole or some shit. Needless to say, Freddy was pissed. But what this means is that Jason is at the rave. And what do you think Jason would do at a rave? Get fucking LIT, of course. And by lit, I mean literally lit on fire. And then killing everyone while he's on fire. And his machete is on fire, too. Imagine a world where, not only is Jason coming to kill the shit out of you, but he's also ON FIRE.
Will, Lori, Kia, Linderman, and some stoner that is clearly supposed to be Jason Mewes make it out in Mark's brother's van. Oh, the van? It's got 80s metal airbrushing all over it and is called The Serpent, a reference to Wes Craven's The Serpent And The Snake. Will reveals to Lori that he saw her dad kill his mom, which is what got him institutionalized, because Lori's dad works for Westin Hills And then Lori runs away from home, and Will takes her to Mark. Too bad for them that by the time they get there, Mark has fallen asleep and been treated to a nightmare of his brother's suicide, then burned and sliced to death. So, there's that.
Deputy Stubbs tries to tell the sheriff that he thinks these murders are a copycat of Jason Voorhees. LISTEN, PAL, WE DO THINGS OUR WAY HERE. The sheriff literally threatens to arrest his deputy for looking into the case any further. And somehow, Stubbs manages to find the group of kids in some random house. Granted, the van was kind of showy, but he would have had to have been just riding around looking for it in the middle of the night. He tells the story about Jason. Almost an hour in. Oh, and Stubbs knows all of the names of these kids on a personal level, somehow. Even the ones he didn't meet at the station. Lori nods off and ends up having a nightmare where the whole group wants to sacrifice her because she's a virgin, then she rips Freddy's ear off as she wakes up, which makes her realize she can pull him out into the real world. The plan then becomes to go BACK to Westin Hills to get hypnocil and sedatives, then have Jason follow them back to Crystal Lake, then pull Freddy out so they can fight.
Well, what about all the people in the facility that need Hypnocil to protect themselves from Freddy? You fucking assholes. And wouldn't you know it, Jason makes his way to Westin Hills at the same time. WHAT A COINCIDENCE! Not-Jay takes time out of his busy schedule to get high as fuck, and then a giant Freddy bug shows up with a hooka to get him even higher. And instead of freaking out, he follows this GIANT FUCKING FREDDY BUG. This movie is fucking stupid even for a horror movie. But the bug leads him to the coma ward, where a bunch of Hypnocil is held, and the coma patients convince him to dump it all down the drain. Not only that, the Freddy bug jumps down his throat, which possesses Jay's body in the real world. Jason chases the kids around Westin Hills, because why the fuck not? Stubbs gets killed.
In a small hallway at Westin Hills, we get the first Freddy vs. Jason showdown: And it is Freddy in the form of a Jay parody character sedating Jason. "Let me handle this, bitch!" "...what?" Exactly. Basically at this point in the movie, the thing that is bringing Freddy and Jason into a confrontation is that Freddy is mad that Jason is TOO GOOD at killing. Luckily for the kids, Freddy-Jay sedated the fuck out of Jason, so they can just put him in their van and drive him back to Crystal Lake themselves.
Now, here's something interesting: Jason's sedated nightmare. In the boiler room, with his mom screaming at him. Jason cuts Freddy's arms off, which immediately grow back. Then does the jerk off motion, complete with a goofy sound effect. "Welcome to my nightmare." This leads to an absolute beat down, with Jason getting the living shit kicked out of him. Freddy even plays pinball with Jason's body. Might as well be The Three Stooges. "Aw. Tilt." Shit gets real when Freddy discovers that Jason is afraid of water.
Freddy digs into Jason's dreamscape, which just has bodies everywhere, presumably all of his victims. Dream Jason reverts to being a child at Crystal Lake. Lori sees the camp kids picking on young Jason, then sees two counselors fucking. "Aren't you gonna help the kid? You mean you're not CUMMING?" GET IT?!?! The dude turns into Freddy, who is wearing a Crystal Lake t-shirt...over his sweater. Lol. "It's not my fault this bitch is dead on her feet." This movie. Lori tries to save young Jason, but is freaked out because...look at him. Freddy then tries to kill young Jason in the dream, because that seems to be the only way he could kill Jason for real. And then the van crashes, sedative wears off, and Lori conveniently wakes up right as Freddy gets a hold of her. Except that she didn't wake up. SWERVE. You might notice that Freddy jumping out of the lake looked an awful lot like Rey Mysterio's entrance. SWERVE! It WAS Rey Mysterio for that scene. And Freddy was HEATED. So heated that he turned into a god damn demon Freddy.
Freddy shows Lori how he killed her mom, and then tries to rape her. Luckily, the cabin she's in has caught on fire, and she burns her arm, which brings Freddy into the real world. Finally, Freddy vs. Jason! Get your shitty nu-metal tuned to C. Jason beats the fuck out of him, then just straight throws him across the campground, and the next time we see Freddy, he's about to kill Will and Lori. I guess he recovered pretty well. But then Kia shows up, and he can't resist the swirl. "How sweet. Dark meat." "Tell me something. What kind of faggot runs around in a Christmas sweater?" LMAO. What a line. That's so ridiculous and out of nowhere. Even in 2003 that was a wtf line. And then she makes fun of his dick. Jason killed her, because homophobia is problematic, even to undead zombie killers. Then Freddy and Jason have a kung fu battle.
As tends to happen when two undead serial killers fight, they find themselves on a dock that has been lit on fire, with Jason ripping off Freddy's arm to use it as a weapon, and Freddy using Jason's machete. Jason stabs Freddy's arm THROUGH Freddy, and Lori cuts Freddy's head off. "WELCOME TO MY WORLD, BITCH!"
But don't worry, the movie actually ends with Jason walking out of the lake holding Freddy's head (even though he has no fingers since Freddy cut them off in the fight), only for Freddy to wink at the camera.
Fuck this movie. When the two highlights are the studio logo sequence and a member of Destiny's Child calling Freddy a faggot, you know you fucked up hard. Perhaps there is an issue with having the director be Ronny Yu, who had spent his entire career making kung fu movies in Hong Kong, whose only horror movie experience was with Bride of Chucky, and who hadn't watched any of the ANOES or Friday movies. And once getting the job, made sure not to watch any of them. The movie is written like a terrible comic book crossover and helmed by someone who doesn't understand the characters, the series, or the audience that would be seeing it. It's crazy that it took 10 years to make, and this is the sack of shit it ended up as.