Dracula Has Risen From The Grave (1968)
STARRING: Christopher Lee is the only person in the movie with a picture on IMDB
PLOT: When his castle is exorcised, Dracula plots his revenge against the Monsignor who performed the rites by attempting to make the holy man's young niece his bride.
If I had to guess, I'd assume Dracula has risen from his grave and is back to cause all kinds of spooky havoc.
The movie starts with this happy go lucky mother fucker on his bike. Fuck you, pal. Hope he's the first one to die. The audacity of this fuck to be whistling on his bike on a nice autumn day. Instead of being the first to die, he is the first to find a dead body, a bodacious babe stuck inside of a church bell with puncture marks on her neck.
Hammer movies are so funny now, considering they were supposed to be super bloody and shocking compared to the Universal movies, but are downright quaint in 2015. Does it seem like a great idea to climb a mountain with a cross to the giant spooky castle during a storm? I dunno. It seems highly questionable to me, father. Oh great. Some asshole accidentally cracked open Dracula's ice tomb. And that little bit of blood was all it took to awaken him. HE IS RISEN! And he's hungover as fuck. Those bloodshot eyes. I see you, playboy. You didn't get those from the ice, pal.
I'm sure you know how Dracula works. In that, he doesn't. He's a lazy fuck who uses mind control to get people to do shit for him. Like dig up dead bodies. Along the way, we meet a bar-wench who really wants to get laid. She even seems quite excited at the idea of Dracula grabbing her tits, after he chased her down with a chariot. Seems fishy, but that woman just wants some D. She got the D(racula). He also slaps the shit out of her when she gets mouthy. Basically, she was mad that Dracula wants some other woman to bite. Don't get mouthy with the Prince of Darkness, ladies. He does not suffer mouthy women.
Too bad for Dracula, Maria's boyfriend interrupts them. And Dracula runs away like a bitch. Lol. Dude. Come on. You're DRACULA and you skittered off like you got caught jerking off. And why did he chose to live under the bar? This woman gets mouthy again and gets killed. Then, being the lazy cunt Vlad is, he makes his man servant burn the body. But he is at least man enough to go rape Maria in her room later that night. Do you think Vampires growing fangs when about to bite a lady is a euphemism for boners?
He runs away when the priest shows up, though. Dracula is a bitch. Hard to deny it in this movie. He's afraid of a middle aged priest. And then he gets got while taking a cat nap. He survives that, but is unable to get past falling off a cliff and being impaled on a golden crucifix. Just completely bitch made. Hammer Films are good only for their proclivity for giant English titties. So if you aren't into giant English titties, or have issue with women being objectified by their giant English titties, I'm not sure this is for you.
Somehow, this was the most successful and profitable Hammer Horror movie. Probably because it was shot in 3 sets for the entire movie, made with a cast of complete unknowns besides Christopher Lee. I imagine this movie had the budget of $5.75. Probably shot in a day and a half. It's inoffensive, really. But I think the classic Universal horror movies are much better than the Hammer versions.