Argento's Dracula 3D (2012)


Plot: Asia Argento stars in horror legend Dario Argento's sexy spin on the classic tale about the sharp-toothed count who craves human blood.

Dario Argento, Italy's most well known horror master returns to the genre to remake Dracula. IN 3D. This should be at least visually pretty interesting. It has to be better than Coppola's Dracula, at least. There are (wonderful) tits in within the first five minutes, which I will not gif for ad purposes. Also because you know how to find tits online. There's also some dong. I don't know that I would want to fuck in an old ass barn, rolling in hay, on a stormy night. The woman makes the mistake of taking her crucifix necklace on and is almost immediately attacked owl that turns into a vampire. Not a bat. Not even a raven. An owl.

There seems to be a lot of...interesting...CGI and chroma keying for backgrounds. Which is a nice way of saying terrible looking. It seems to be following the general Dracula story. A well mannered Englishman comes to a small town where weird things are happening. He's tracked by wolves that may or may not vanish. The guy whose dong we saw earlier goes to dig up his lover, checking for the bite marks on her neck. I assume her father attacks him, chopping into his head with an ax. The body of the girl escapes during all of this. The next we see of her, she's drinking blood from a goblet. And god damn what terrible CGI from the cut on, I assume, Dracula's arm. Like some straight up effect downloaded from Youtube. And why is this girl's wig so awful? 

Harker meets Lucy. They don't bang. Lucy's dad is the mayor. And Lucy fails to mention that Harker is going to work for Count Dracula. Kind of a big thing to forget. Anyway, Harker arrives at the castle and HOLY FUCK this CGI spider is sub-SYFY quality. The budget for this movie had to be under $15. Oh wait...this is supposed to be a 3D movie? Looooool. I guess that can be a bit of an excuse for why everything looks so weird. Dracula is all suave and weird and charming and shit. Harker notices the lack of reflection. The tits return as the girl tries to suck Harker's....blood. Dracula won't stand for that shit. I can not explain to you how bad this is. Dracula attacks him...then attacks him again later in the night as a wolf. IT LOOKS SO BAD HOLY SHIT. Like PS2 cut scenes.

Lucy gets a bite and gets sick, etc etc. You probably know the Dracula story. You also get to see her tits as she's given a sponge bath. Oh, and by the way, Lucy is played by Argento's DAUGHTER. Dude is filming a lesbian nude scene with his DAUGHTER. At one point, Dracula kills a room full of dudes. Not even draining their blood or anything. Just killing. Like knocking heads off and stabbing with swords. Very wasteful. 

Van Helsing, played by Rutger Hauer, shows up about 75 minutes into the movie. He's not saving this shit show. He could ham it up more than Anthony Hopkins and it wouldn't matter. He's quickly attacked by now vampiric Lucy, who gets set on fire with the worst fire effects you've seen. I feel like I could make a better movie with a cellphone and Vegas Pro. 

WTF Dracula turns himself into a giant PRAYING MANTIS to kill someone. This fucking movie. Let's just skip to the end. After Hauer shows you how to freebase, Dracula gets shot with a silver bullet and dies.

This movie is horrible. In the bad way. There is nothing enjoyable about it. It's just a terrible, terrible movie. Can't believe the guy behind Suspira was behind this. Everything is AWFUL. Just fucking awful. And Dario Argento made a movie where his daughter shows her tits and gets a sponge bath from another woman. What in the fuck. Just awful.