Fast and Furious 6 (2013)

 

STARRING:

 

PLOT:

Hobbs has Dominic and Brian reassemble their crew to take down a team of mercenaries: Dominic unexpectedly gets convoluted also facing his presumed deceased girlfriend, Letty.

 

 

When we last left things, the gang had just scored their biggest score in Rio, Paul Walker was about to have a baby, and The Rock was going to come find them. This movie starts out with Vin and Paul racing, but it turns out they were actually heading to a hospital to see the baby.

Nice to see that the title sequence covers the entire series, so I'm all caught up despite only seeing Fast 5, which also perfectly caught me up with the entire series.

Rock and Gina Carano are investigating a blowy up scene. Rock only needs 2 minutes. Lol. Premature ejaculation joke. Rock beats the shit out of a fake Vin Diesel. Belly to belly through a table! CZFNW! "You wanna catch wolves, you need wolves. Let's go huntin'."

OH SHIT. Rock found Toretto! My god. The team that did the blowy uppy thing apparently has Vin's presumed dead ex. Or she's involved. Dom agrees to help Rock to find these jerk offs.

Tyreese bangs a bunch of ladies on his plane. Ludacris shows off that he put some work into the gym and hacked an ATM. Han is just hanging out eating street food. GUNS EVERYWHERE. Some John Woo shit here. The calls are made and the team is assembled.

Rock calls the team meeting and briefs them on their job: To stop Dracula Untold from getting the last part of a super weapon that would kill untold millions of people. The team will only do the job if they get their girl back and get full pardons.

Interpol tries a raid on Dracula Untold. Don't they know he's a vampire with super powers? It was all a set up and he blows them all up while escaping in a Formula 1 style car. It's basically the Batmobile. And there are more than one. Rock doesn't even play and jumps from an over pass onto Dracula's car like it ain't no thang.

Dom finally catches up with Letty. She promptly shoots him in the shoulder. Of course, being the man that he is, he pulls the bullet out himself. And it is 100% intact.

The bad team has their meeting. Michelle Rodriguez claims she doesn't remember Groot and then threatens to turn a dude's dick into a pussy. Then the good guys have their meeting and realize the bad team is their dopplgangers.

Rock and Ludacris are at a car show in England. Some white dude thinks they must be kitchen help and not ballers. Elsewhere, Gina and Other Girl work over some dude to get some info while Han and Tyreese have a dick measuring contest. Gina fucks that dude up.

Back at the car show, Rock and Ludacris make that pasty Englishman strip down and give away his clothes and watch. Elsewhere in England, Groot and Walker head to a pawn shop and get some info. Back where Gina/Other Girl are working their magic, a gun fight breaks out with Rodriguez and random mooks.

A chase scene in the London airport(?) them breaks out. Gina and Michelle fight while random Asian bad guy fights cops and then Han/Tyreese. TEEP KICK! Rolling cross arm breaker! Han and Tyreese are shitty fighters. And Michelle is able to get away as well.

Dracula and Michelle have a meeting. Apparently Michelle has amnesia, which is why she shot Groot and didn't realize it was him.

So Brian "sneaks" back into the US by posing as a prisoner, since he would be arrested anyway. But he's got to find out about Michelle. Some dudes in jail tell him about her car wreck and amnesia. "You're lucky this door is between us." *Door opens* *Fuck, I probably shouldn't have said that* 

Groot finds Michelle at some car party and they race. They were pretty even and then meet at some dark place. He tries to remind her who she is. Apparently this was a set up for Dracula to have a face to face with Groot. SWERVE. Both have guys waiting with sniper rifles.

This movie isn't nearly as good as 5. The last component of the whatever machine is at a NATO base in Spain. Turns out Dracula is actually hitting the convoy. SWERVE. Dracula now has a tank. Groot and Michelle can fly now.  This movie. I'm not into it at all.

So they catch Dracula and it all appears to be part of the plan. You see, Dracula sent his goons to get Brian's wife/Groot's sister. Oh. That's right. She's who is taking care of he baby. I thought the skinny girl on the team was her for some reason. They give up Dracula and his men (and the pardons) for the safety of Baby Mama. OH SHIT GINA WAS ON HIS SIDE TO BEGIN WITH. WHAT A SWERVE!

Of course, Dracula gets off the NATO base with a cargo plane OUTTA NOWHERE. Gina gets ran over by a car. Inside of a cargo plane. Some muscled up goon chokeslams Walker on a car. Somehow, Gina was totally fine. You see, Wife is on the plane. And now everyone is fighting all over it. Rock shows up and we got us a TAG TEAM MATCH, PLAYA. DOOMSDAY DEVICE! Holy shit. That was dope. God damn, how long is this fucking run way? Hot shot into propellers!

The movie ends with the seemingly traditional cook out. Everyone is free. Except for the skinny broad that died. Post credits show that The Transporter is coming for the crew!

 

 

This isn't nearly as good as Fast 5. The tone is more dour, the scenery is ugly ass London, the story is more convoluted, Rock isn't nearly as foul mouthed and pissy. 5 was pretty FnP. All this movie really had going for it was the end in the cargo plane, which was pretty dope. Rock and Vin Diesel going LOD on some giant roided up freak? Wonderful. The rest was not.

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